I thought that I would mention what I ordered from iHerb last time. I have ordered from there a few times, and been really happy. Most people seem to order food supplements, vitamins and so on, but I have only gotten food related things. :D

As I am now brave enough to add stuff to my porridge, then firstly I picked this peanut butter and cocoa powder. I tried it the next day and it was really good. I even tried a bit dry with my sister and we really liked it. Like, liked it a lot. My preferred method of having this product is in porridge, but I can imagine that it would also be good when added to yoghurt or something. Or milk. :D It would be peanut buttery hot chocolate and it sounds perfect.

Next I also got regular peanut butter powder. I also have this in my porridge or when I make a sauce out of this, soy sauce and garlic. This is genius combination and I can't wait to make a bowl with it, as I mentioned in my previous post. I also wanted to add that the taste is quite mild, so I add more than the recommended serving size.

Thirdly, and for the last thing this time, I ordered almond butter powder. This didn't have as many good reviews than the other things, but I wanted to try it out. Today morning I made porridge with marzipan flavour drops and this powder and I think it was genius. You also should use a lot more than recommended, because this is even milder tasting.

Once earlier I also got vanilla peanut butter powder, which I highly recommend. Again, really good when added to porridge. :D Anyway. I hope that at one point I will get to adding real peanut butter, but this is enough for now. I mean, even adding this is sometimes really difficult. But I am on my way to getting better! And I promise I will get to real cruncy peanut butter soon.

The other thing that I am too scared of adding, but really want to, is shredded coconut. I didn't have a problem with those for a long time, until I accidentally saw the calories it has. Within a day this was out of my diet. But now I got some frozen mango cubes and what would be a better tropical combo than mango, porridge and coconut?! I also have coconut flavour drops, but it is not it! Everyone who love coconut will probably agree.

Yesterday I went to the store and did get some coconut flakes. So next week I shall try and add them. I think I will manage, even though it will probably be difficult. Sometimes I get the thought that damn, it is nothing, this is just food, just a minor add-in, but the next moment I am like NOPE.

There are a lot more things in iHerb that I would like to try. For example there are many teas, coffees and seasonings that sound really interesting. I also got some pumpkin spice from there once, until I mixed my own later. It was convenient to order it, but making it yourself is much cheaper. I should bring out autumn spices for my porridges. :D Also I want to take pictures of my breakfasts to show how amazing they can be. :D Although they are not really picture-worthy sometimes. Also one thing I have been wanting to try but haven't yet, is rice porridge with matcha. My friend sent me some matcha and I also have some matcha latte sticks and I have used it in the porridge and I really liked it.

Anyways... everything is not positive. So I will write about my panic now.

We have this 2 day work thing, now this week. And until now it was okay, though I was a little stressed. I mean, I can't control what I am eating or drinking and so on. And then the panic came. It was completely random when my hands and LEGS started to shake and I couldn't breathe normally suddenly.

I was in the store at this time and it did not make the situation any more bearable. Yeah, I completely broke down. And I THINK it was all connected to food. The situation ended with me calling my sister and crying, unable to think or do anything. I don't understand what triggered this panic though - everything was okay and then suddenly this panic attack.

I haven't felt panic in a long time. Or emotions in general. Last time I saw my doctor it was actually nice to cry, but after it or before it I hadn't even really cried. I didn't feel sadness, anxiety, panic or anything. I just felt... numb. I mean, I felt guilty about eating sometimes, but it wasn't this physical thing, reaction. It was a mental fight inside my head. So this panic today came as a huge surprise.

But there was something nice that happened as well. I was at my friend's place and we were just sitting, watching TikToks, because sometimes we send them to each other, but there are some we hadn't shared. And I laughed!

Maybe it sounds weird to you, but for me... I laughed! I mean, I do laugh at jokes and make a good face, but there isn't this physical reaction of wanting to laugh. It is just this "polite laughter", when everyone around me laugh. But at that point I really felt that I WANTED to laugh. I needed to. Because the thing was generally funny. This kind of like tickles me. :D I know it sounds strange and you probably don't understand, but this was shocking to me. I thought about it all day and felt nice and warm inside. :D

I want to really tell my eating disorder that it has been paused again. I want to not worry over the work trip. Or not to worry about eating there, at least. I want to be in the moment, take in what I want, drink what I feel like and not think about the calories or how much others eat.

But there has been a bit of a relapse going on. I have so much more GUILT, it is really difficult to deal with it. I haven't felt this "I don't care" for a while and everything... has become so complicated. I feel like I am back at the beginning. I haven't skipped meals or snacks, but they have become smaller, snacks have been halved and so on. Now for a few days I have been really good again and back at the food and snack game, but the mental fight is harder amd I am unable to catch my breath. Even when thinking about something else, the next moment I am back to square one with the guilt and I feel really hysterical.

It is difficult like this. I knew that these low points were coming, it can't all be smooth sailing. The healing doesn't happen overnight. It is not like you wake up in the morning ang you are well. I just didn't expect this... being so sudden.

Now it is Monday morning and I am feeling a bit calmer. At least I don't have this physical panic any more. I rememeber last year during summer I felt this panic so much, it was like 3-4 days of panic attack in a row. At least I am not in that position right now anymore.

But yes. I wanted to share that everything is now good and sometimes I am not motivated and I have a lot of negative thoughts. I think this outing will be fine and I am not really worried anymore, I only hate this guilt I know that is coming after it. This after-guilt is a lot stronger and more annoying. But I don't know, I guess I just need to think that I will get back to my of rhythm and everything will go well. I will try to focus on something else and see what happens.

Have you ever ordered from iHerb? Is there anything interesting that caught your eye?