I Won't Quote

Or okay, not really zero, because this is quite impossible. Then I would have had to stay in bed all day, not to mention I couldn't go to bathroom. But I walked... very little. How much? Well, I don't know, because I removed my watch, put it in the drawer and decided to spend the day doing nothing.

On Saturday I went to the beach with some friends and then later we all came to my place and on the next day I was just soooo tired. I got out of bed at like half past 12 and I was thinking about going to the gym. But then I wondered why. Why do I make myself go, if I really don't have to. Why do I keep making myself walk around for hours and hours? And I gave myself a permission to rest. I accepted the thought of doing nothing all day. Not go out at all. To rest.

And as soon as I gave this permission to myself, I felt so good. So free. So normal. I didn't check the time. Usually my weekend is like that: at least by 11 I am out of the house, taking a little walk. Then I go back home to have lunch and after lunch at one point I go to the gym. But I didn't want to force myself, I didn't want to think that I HAVE to move, have to do something, have to be active. And it was soo freeing.

Of course laying in bed I looked at other's Instagram stories and saw one for example that said "if you walk home from a party and night and have 17 000 steps by 7 am". It was, well, triggering. Instantly I got this competitive feeling and I felt like I should walk a bit as well, why am I so lazy, a vegetable doing nothing. :D And then my next thought was that why do I even compare myself to them. What does it give to me? Nothing but stress.

I had a lot of fun last night. I felt like a human, not like an eating disorder or depression or anxiety or suicidal. I felt just... normal. I was interested in people, talking, being, music etc. I didn't think about not doing anything. I had a very easy day activity vise yesterday, even though at first I did plan going to the gym. But I skipped it. Because it doesn't matter. If you don't go to the gym for a week. Two. Three. Just... don't go at all if you don't feel like it, it is fine. :D There are a lot of people who don't do any activity. There are so many more aspects to life.

At the moment I have already had breakfast, proper lunch, drank several cups of coffee with vanilla soya milk and honestly I still feel very normal. In the morning I had a loot of anxiety. Honestly I felt like I was going to die. I even did some breathing exercises my psychologist taught me and all that. I don't know if it helped. Maybe a little, I got out of my head, focused on this one thing and it releaved some panic. But it didn't go away completely and at the moment I feel a bit disgusting, but I am not giving up.

In the evening my sister is coming over, I will try to make some Chinese and I will make naan bread myself. I hope it comes out fine, I have hope. :D I need to go by the store and get some veggies for it. My first thought was that I should go to the one Maxima store that is further away so I could get some steps in. But then I was like no, Signe, we are having a rest day. And if I already walk a few thousand, I can't stop.

I am annoyed at the constant step measuring. From my home to shopping center: 7500-8000 steps. From work to home: 12 000 steps. From my place to my sister's place: 3000 steps. From work to the shopping center: 4000 steps. It is pointless. :D But somewhy I just remember these things.

I liked that when I told my best friend I am doing this challenge, she just said "FINALLY". :D Because yes, this is a problem. And this feeling that you CAN rest is so freeing. Yes, I did think that maybe I shouldn't eat that much today, because I am not moving a long etc. But like, food is good, you gotta eat and even just being uses up some energy. I wouldn't have had any strength to write this post if I didn't eat. :D I wouldn't have been happy to go downsairs when my friend brought me some honey (good Estonian honey, if anyone is interested). I would have been too tired to talk to her. But it was so fun. Just to see another person for a few minutes and chat a little. It really made me feel more positive.

Anyway yes, this is my Sunday. A proper rest day. I could get used to this. :D Yes, I like walking, running, hiking, working out, being active and all that, but it doesn't mean I want it to be my obsession. I want to do those things when I feel like it. For example yesterday I went for a walk and during the middle of it I wrote to my sister saying that I don't want to walk anymore. I just couldn't. It was a waste of time.

I should of course study for uni entrance exam, but... well,I have a REST day. Sundays are meant to be for resting. :D I am starting to understand this, I hope I can incorporate more days like this into my life.

But yeah, in general... when people share how much they walk and how many steps they have taken, it is really heavy and awful in my mind. I am trying to get rid of it so much, but it always still affects me negatively. This is why I almost never write down how much I walk etc, I just don't want people to compare themselves to me and feel bad or think that they need to beat me. This is a very bad road to walk on.

I will now go to the closest of stores and then continue laying in bed, because... RESTING.

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And now I have been to the store, taken a shower and cleaned a little at home. I am feeling million times better. I sat outside in the sun a little and I just was, not thinking about the steps and not counting the steps in my mind, which is a thing I sometimes do. I just chilled and was present, was with myself. I have gotten rid of the anxiety, maybe a little is still left, but not much. Soon my sister is coming over and... I don't know, I feel human. :D I am not worried about not walking and these kind of moments are really important to me.

I thought that maybe I could record some of the book and I guess I will do it a little later. I will try to mark down later or tomorrow how I am doing in general. :D

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So, okay, in the evening I also didn't give uo and I didn't go for a walk, even though I wanted to. Instead I started making food, when my sister came. I planned making tempura coated veggies with chilli-garlic-honey sauce and naan bread. My tempura coating was a bit of a failure, because I had some premade mix, and I made it too liquidy. But it tasted fine still.

I used carrots, cauliflower and broccoli, cut it all into small chuncks and put them into the tempura batter and then to the air fryer. Also added some salt. I made it in batches, to make them crispy, and then put everything in at once to make them hot. It came out really well. Then I had some sriracha-galric sauce which I added honey to, mixed everything up and it was done.

At the same time I also made some naan bread. I tried to find this recipe online, but I couldn't. Anyway, I used 150 g of flour, 150 g of yoghurt, teaspoon of baking powder, tablespoon of water, teaspoon of salt and a little sprinkling of sugar. I mixed it all up, kneaded it for a bit and rolled it out. It was SUPER sticky, but I managed!

Fried it a few minutes on the pan in oil from both sides and then topped it with herb-butter and garlix mix. It looks green due to the herbs in butter.

Anyway this dinner was AMAZING. Me and my sister watched three episodes on Brooklyn 99 and enjoyed the evening. Then I went to bed. It was a really nice rest day and this has been one of my favourite challenges, haha. :D

Again I don't have any idea what to write about, but I thought I will jot down something about my last few days. Like for example on Saturday my parents and grandma came over, because the latter really wanted to see our own homes.

At first I had MAX stress over them coming, because I am just tired. I have a vacation and I just want to be and not talk to anyone and I keep worrying ahead. But it was actually kind of nice. Luckily they didn't stay for too long either, because it takes a wile to drive back to Viljandi and I could enjoy my evening, which consisted of me going to the store. :D At least I could walk a bit.

At first we met up at my sister's place, I started cooking in the morning of course. Actually I woke up at 6 am already, even without an alarm and then at half past eight I went to the gym. :D I knew that there weren't going to be many people and I thought I can try out all the machines. I did, at the moment my arms and back are a bit sore, but it feels nice. I am so proud of myself that I finally started using the weights and stuff, it was really fun. And made me feel really good.

And then around 8:30 I left the gym and went home to cook. At sister's place, I prepared some chacutterie boards for snacking and I also made dinner, because we were supposed to come and have it at my place.

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Everyone wew like WOW, when they saw what I had prepared and all the things were eaten (mostly thanks to me). :D It was nice to chat and just sit around. I have a lot of moments where I am really stressed in advance and when the even happens, everything is different and normal. Of course I overate a little, but I knew that would happen as well.

Only picture I took during the eating. Soy mince with tomato sauce and all the other good things.

Then at one point I came home and prepared the salad, before others came over. We looked through my flat and I got such nice cups from my grandma! She said that as I drink a lot of tea, she thought about giving me mugs. :D And I also got some money, as I really need to get a new oven. I have already picked out the one I want. :) I really am looking forward to being able to properly bake, my gas oven just burns the food. At the moment I can use my air fryer when I need to make something, so I am not in that much hurry, but still, I would like to get a proper oven as well. Especially because I am planning to live in this flat for a long time. And I can't wait to bake bread again too, not to mention make cakes sometimes. For work or when someone is coming over.

On Sunday I wanted to go to the gym at 8 in the morning and I had my alarm set, but I just left it at that. I had one cocktail too much last night and I was so tired and felt awful, so I just stayed in bed for 4 more hours, doing nothing.

And I thought that... these days after overeating are actually nice. Because I finally don't feel hungry when I wake up and I could not have any food for the whole day. Of course I had breakfast, lunch and dinner still, because I knew I had to eat, but I wasn't constantly thinking about food for a change. It usually is on my mind constantly and it is really annoying. I don't even know if I like food, I just like the process of eating. It is part of my day. I usually always watch something and just eat. I don't know, will I ever get rid of this addiction? Don't normal people want to snack ALL the fucking time?

I talked to a friend about having a food addiction. There are people who like food and then there are us - to quote - freaks. This is so true. :D At the moment I have found myself some other things to do and people to hang out with, so my focus has changed a bit. But I still think about wanting to be at home for 90% of the time when I am with someone. This is not okay. I feel really bad about it, but I can't... help it.

And now, coming back to food - I just went to the store and discovered a new sugar free lemonade. It tastes like the old classic, I had to get it. :D It was really good (I also got some vegan ice cream).

I haven't really done anything with my vacation, I have met a few friends and that's about it. I really enjoyed Friday, because I had zero things I needed to do, so I was my own boss. I didn't feel the pressure of being somewhere or doing something. I don't like watching the clock and thinking oh now I have to go somewhere or whatever. I always keep thinking about "oh I need to get going in two hours". And then one etc. I feel like it ruins my whole day.

I am weird like this - every time when I have to meet someone, I tell people they should warn me 3-5 working days in advance, so I could mentally prepare myself. But when the time comes, I still don't want to do anything. Also I prefer doing things in the mornings, I feel like I am getting rid of the responsibility and I can plan rest of the day myself.

And all in all, I would actually like if people were like "let's do something right now". Then I don't have to feel this "I have to get going soon" emotion, which is really tiring for me. I don't know, I just can't find the middle path, I don't know what to do. I used to think I wanted to be more spontaneous, but then at the next moment I am against it again. Maybe it could be a good new challenge? Where I don't plan anything and just go with the flow. But at the same time I can't tell my friends that hey, I am having this challenge today, please ask me out or something. That would be planning. :D Õõõh. My life is not interesting as well so there aren't many things happening.

At the moment when I am writing this post, it is Sunday evening and I am going to the cinema soon. I want to go, but at the same time I am thinking of I want to stay hoooome. Like, I don't know. :D And it is also true that when I am making plans, I am excited, but I don't want to go through with them. Annoying as fuck.

For tomorrow I have a plan, for Tuesday as well (I am getting rid of my braces!), for Wednesday as well, for Thursday and Friday and Saturday as well... It is actually tiring. :D I think that I need to cancel something, because I feel like I need my own time as well. :D But I am always afraid that if I say I can't go somewhere, the person or people don't ask me to come the next time. Because they think I will cancel again. Psychologist keeps telling me that it is fine, but I think it is still a problem, because I want to cancel things EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then I just suffer, to make other happy. And I understand I need to force myself sometimes, because otherways I couldn't get anything done. But likeeeeeee. Do I need to move into the mountains, take a sheep and two chickens and then hike all day? It actually does sound like a dream. :D

This is why I kind of liked corona time and lockdown, because I didn't have any responsibilities. I could just say "I don't dare at the moment" and everyone accepted it, haha. But I know this kind of thing sucks. I just, yeah, feel really depressed recently. Even though I know all the things that are coming up are actually nice. In theory. Often it is also the opposite - I don't want to do something, then I still follow up on it and instead of having fun I just suffer. I would like to be someone who likes hanging out with others, walk around and do things, I want not to stress over everything. I can't wait to see my psychologist, because I have a feeling I need to talk about this with her. Like what do I need to do?

I feel like crying writing this. Like honestly. I feel so uncomfortable and disgusting and heavy, I just want to go to bed and not think about anything. Maybe it is depression that is telling this. My dad also surprised me yet again: you have a depression because you don't get enough vitamin D. Not like I take it every day. And spend so much time in the sun. Or eat foods with vitamin D, right...

Anyway yes, I don't know. I am trying and trying to write my thoughts down here, but it is not too successful. Only things that offer me something are going to the gym, walking around and eating, but like, I can't keep living like this. :D Even though I would do only these things. And sometimes blog.

I kind of think I would like to do some free work for smeone. Share something in my blog. Try out some products. Write music reviews. But at the same time I can see these posts are not doing that well. Food related posts are doing the best. :D But if I write about music, I get so few clicks and I would like to share more what you would like to see.

I should take on another long challenge like I did with the tea. For example cheeses. I could write about 100 different cheese. Or... sodas, energy drinks. Or something like that. Porridge. Are there 100 different types of porridge? Maybe I should try it. :D At the moment I have three different porridges at home, so if you would like to read about porridge, let me know. Even though it would really take a long time, because it takes a while to get through a bag. Even if I have it every morning. Or maybe I could write about cereal? My latest obsession...

I would like to be a cat. Motu is sleeping here next to me and he doesn't have any worries. Good dry food, he is getting canned food two times a day, he has water and sometimes gets cat milk as well... he is happy to play with tapestry, if he wants to work out, he just runs around a little, climbs on the wall, he has a soft cat bed, there are a lot of blankets everywhere... amazing, isn't it? Why can't I be a cat?

Or a dog! I am afraid of dogs, but just think how nice they have it. They can go for walks for hours, people take pictures of them, passer bys say that they look super cute and there is no laziness or such. Anyway, I will talk about this to my doctor when I next see her.

Went to see Cruella at the cinem, it was quite good. I haven't been to the cinema in over two years. It was nice for a change. Now I am going to the cinema again. I will see if I add anything here later or not. Or tomorrow morning. It depends on how tired I am, because I would like to sleep now already...

And like, I don't know. I don't want to tell how I felt at the cinema yesterdy. Because it sucked. Movie was good, but I suck. I just cannot. I want to vanish, because then I wouldn't have to cancel plans or just be. At the moment I feel like I want to throw my router out from the window, break my phone and just be alone until the end of my vacation.

Before I talk about today's topic, I wanted to say that I tried a poke bowl with vegan salmon, made out of carrots and... it was a huge disappointment. It was far from "salmon", the sauce wasn't my favourite and despite taking a big bowl, I didn't really get full...

My sister and her friend ordered pizza (and were super happy about it) and the whole night I regretted not having pizza as well. :D At least me and my friend made a plan to have a pizza night to get this fix of pizza that I need.

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Other than that it was fun, we also tried LaMuu salted caramel ice cream and talked. This food aspect got to me really bad, because I felt like I wasted calories?! I don't know. I have a feeling that I have food addiction, I always have to snack on something, or I can't feel at peace. Today my weight... oh boy, my eyesight got all black when I checked. I will write more about it towards the end of the post...

But about vegan cheese.

I just got a huge box of vegan cheese and I thought about sharing three recipes I tried with it. :D

I won't write about them in the order I made them, because firstly I wanted to tell you about my favourite! Some time ago I bought myself a waffl maker and I have tried it a few times, but not recently. So I finally decided to make savoury waffles.

To make these, I mixed 1 dl of flour, about 3/4 dl of vegan oatmilk, a spoonful of chia seeds, half a spoon of baking powder, some sundried tomatoes and vegan cheese. I flavoured it with salt, pepper, basil and parsley.

I let it stand a little and during this time I fried some asian vegetables with some mushrooms, added salt, paprica and garlic. Then I let it sit on the frying pan while I made the waffles. Usually it comes to 4 waffles, but this time it was six, haha, but I am not complaining, as it was... AMAZING. I think it was better than sweet waffles!!!!

I topped it with sriracha-garlic sauce and vegan mayo. And honestly, I haven't had something so good in a long time. It was just perfect, I can't even explain. :D I really recommend trying making savoury waffles! I can imagine them being good with chickpea flour as well, but I still haven't bought any.

Anyway yes, niceeeeee. I am just really excited, as you can tell. :D I just finished eating and had to blog about it right away. They were also super easy to make! And it proves that you don't need to use animal products, like, at all. I even sent my mum a picture of them and she is not a fan of waffles, but she said they do look good and she would like to try them. :D She is coming to Tallinn next weekend, so maybe I will make them to her and my sister... we shall see what our plans are. I also thought about making some for my birthday? Even though I don't know, the waffles get soggy quite fast. I need to think about it more. If you have good vegan pary food ideas, let me know. Last time I made pizza, but I would like to make something different this time around. I have some ideas, but there could always be more.

Next I made oven baked pasta, which used mushrooms, bell pepper, onion and pasta. I poured some oatcream over it, to make it nice and creamy. And of course added salt and pepper plus some garlic powder, because it makes the dish. I made it all in a pot and when it was ready, I poured it into oven proof mould and shredded some cheese on top. Then let it do it's thing in the oven for 15 minutes. It didn't seem enough though, so when I served it, I added some more cheese on top. :D

Really simple, but really tasty! I used vegan Emmental cheese and it was really good. I would definitely get it again. We also tried it plain and my sister said that it tastes like normal cheese, so it was a success.

And I finally could try my oven baked pasta, but... if I am honest, I like normal pasta more. XD Like this baking in the oven didn't really add anything to it. Mayvbe it would be better with tomato based sauce? Anyway, it was nice and me and my sister watched some Brooklyn 99 after a long time, and had some cake. All in all it was a really nice evening.

Thirdly and lastly I wanted to make some mac and cheese, but it was kind of different. :D But I LOVED it.

I put some pasta and cauliflower in a pot and let it boil, seasoning it with salt. Then I poured the water out, added about 150 grams of vegan cheese, salt, pepper, garlic powder and paprica powder. Cauliflower was really soft and mushy and made a sauce with the cheese and it tasted so good.

With it, I had about 500 grams of cherry tomatoes, and perfect meal was ready. Really fast as well! :D And every time I have pasta I rediscover how much I like it. Can't wait to repeat this recipe, haha. :D Even though I would still like to try this American mac and cheese food, but I was pleased with my concoction as well.

Anyway yes, cheese is good and I highly recommend VegePlus vegan cheese. It is really tasty and honestly seems like the real thing. :D I still have one chilli one and one regular one left and I will definitely be making the waffles again.

I am sorry this post hasn't been as interesting, but I wanted to share some simpler things and I really wanted to write about this vegan cheese, as I got it as a gift from the company. :D

Next week will be really challenging, it is difficult to deal with the weight gain and I have some intense guilt, so it is kind of sucky with my ED currently. I know that there are a lot of events coming that have food and drinks, then mum comes, then there is Mother's day when we should got to Viljandi and then my birthday and so on. I want to get back into my old rhtym.

It is kind of nice, because every month I write a goal to my bullet journal to be more social, but eating disorder and weight gain really upset me.

Like, I don't have a thigh gap anymore. My feet rub together. It is really strange. Jeans are too tight. Argh, it is difficult to deal with this. And I am just at the lower end of healthy weight?! And I need to gain more to get my period back and get my hormones functioning normally?! How in the world?!

Also I eat a lot and a lot and I am still so tired all the time. My friend suggested taking bloot tests to see if I have too little of something in my blood, I will think more about it. I have seen my doctor once two years ago, so I don't really know how to contact her, haha... :D But yeah, I need to do something, because I am so low on energy.

For the next five days I am trying to do another challenge, but I don't know if it should be called that. It kind of does motivate me though, so this is good and I will write about it soon. And then I have another food related thing planned, so I am motivated about blogging at least. :D Sometimes getting my emotions out here really helps.

I got myself new headphones so I could listen to audiobooks. I started Harry Potter: A History of Magic and gosh, I have so many emotions. :D I am not fond of Rowling, but this world still means a lot to me.

I am also thinking about joining Scribd page to get more audiobooks, but I don't know... do you know any free sites for audiobooks? There is a page in Estonian library for it, but the selection is quite tiny there and I want more options. Let me know if you have any recommendations. :D Anyway, I think I will walk home today after work, so I could listen some. Though it is snowing a little and the weather is quite cold, so I am not sure.

This weekend passed super fast and usually they tend to drag. Maybe it is because I have such a hard time at work currently, I am really confused and tired and then life was like hehhehehe let's make this weekend past fast so she would have to go back to work asap.

Thanks, life.

Me and my sister went out for dinner and we picked a cafe, which was 100% vegan and what I have been wanting to visit for forever, as I have heard so many good things about it.

Atmosphere

Commune Cafe atmosphere and interior are amazing. It was really nice, a bit hipster, but not too much. Kind of minimalistic. I really liked that they have a lot of plants and a lot of room, tables are not too close together. I really liked they used a lot of wood and even dishes matched with the environment.

At the cafe it wasn't too cold or too warm, even though the door was open and we could hear some cars. It did not bother us, though, we barely noticed it and in general the place was really comfy. The location is good as well, and it was nice to see that even on Monday evening the place was quite full. At the same time there weren't too many people so we still managed to get a table. I really don't like to book a table in advance, because I am never sure if I make it in time. Maybe something comes up. I really like to just walk in and get a seat.

Service

Service... was not too good. I honestly felt like an annoying fly and seemed to ruin the waitress' mood. :D We still got our food quite fast and it looked absolutely delicious. Also the cakes they had on offer looked fantastic. I think that maybe the waitress just had a bad day. I have worked in a restaurant myself and I know how it can be. Anyway, I can't tell more about the service.

The owner of the cafe contacted me, though, and I told her about our visit. It was really sweet and I really appreciate it. :) And as I said, I am not holding it against them and I am sure I will visit the place again in the near future.

Food

Me and my sister both got Buddga bowl, which had roasted sesame seed covered smoked tofu, quinoa, peanut butter-lime sauce, edamame beans, avocado, broccoli, sugar snap beas, salad, and roasted cashews.

And it was really good! REALLY good. Everything fit together so well! At first I thought that there was too much sauce and I will probably leave some, but it was amazing and if anything, there was too little of it. And I hadn't had smoked tofu before and it was super delicious!

There were some more things in the menu that I would like to try. For example English breakfast that has beyond meat sausage and I have been wanting to try this for ages. Ramen also seemed so good. So at least two more visits. :D

In general going out to eat caused me a lot of stress, because on the weekend we already went to eat in Little India and I in general had had a lot of food. My last post here was really motivating and so on, but on the same evening the situation got really hard. I had a lot of food guilt and it was difficult to handle my thoughts. It is still difficult right now - I have so much guilt and my motivation is completely gone. I want to go back to where I was...

It calmed me a bit that my sister had the same food as I did. Of course it would have been good to try different  things, as we could have tasted each other's. But this was good as well. In addition to this, we had some vegan ice creams at home and when my sister suggested it, she told me that she could see how it made me upset. Because it was hard, very hard. But in general this was good time and I really like going out for food. We thought that we could visit a new place like this every month. To break me free from the routine and challenge me. But at the same time I want to go back to the same place, as there were many things I would still like to try... But there are a lot of other places I want to visit as well. She wanted to pick a place herself next time, though. :D I don't really have anything against it - giving away control even more.

Also, we thought that we can make something similar at home. I guess it wouldn't be as good, but it was a good insporation. We usually make these kind of bowl dishes with salsa or soy sauce and mayo (for some weird reason this is such a good combo!), but why not use peanutbutter? We really like it with savoury food, for example I have made a sauce of it for spring rolls and my sister still sometimes talks about it. :D

Haven't made any bowl dishes recently, but for some time it was our favourite meal. Just to mix things together in a bowl. Our most favourite one was susho bowl, where all the ingredients are just mixed together. Who has the patience to roll it, am I right? :D

Now I have been making a lot of zucchini dishes, and there will be a lot more soon, because we still have two small ones and one giant one left.

Firstly I made zucchini and tomato bake with onion, which came out amazing. In the recipe it also says you can top it with cheese, which I did. But I would say that it didn't make it much better, so the vegan version is good as well. (Just slice some tomatoes, onion and zucchini, put them in the baking dish, brush some oil on top and add pepper and salt and other flavourings. Bake for 25 minutes in 200 degrees.) With it, I made some fresh tomato-sour cream salad and yum, it was really good!

I added a lot of parsley as well, that is why it looks so green. :D But yeah, we really liked it! 

The next evening we had a really weird combo of food, as I made grilled cheese and oven baked zucchini. I marinated the zucchini in soy sauce, apple cider vinegar, olive oil, garlic and pepper mix for around an hour. Then I roasted it in 225 degrees for about 20-25 minutes. And ready it was. We really liked it once again! And I would say that the more garlic it has, the better. :D

And lastly I made this zucchini stew, and I was lazy and just added onion, garlic and tomato sauce with peppers and mushrooms. It was so good. I used my trusty multi cooker which I have not used in a while. And for the first time I set my own program, meaning I put it on 200 degrees and let it cook for 35 minutes.

Multi cooker is a nice thing. :D On the side I had some more salad, because we have a lot of tomatoes we need to use up. :D

Anyway, there are many more things I want to try. For example oven omelette with zucchini, zucchini curry, and of course pasta and so on. Well, I'll get around to it. It seems that the zucchinis stay fresh for quite some time, so there is time. And also I want to make zucchini burgers someone mentioned in my blog comments... :)

If I only could get over my weird guilt. I just don't understand, it is so overwhelming. For example yesterday I had a lot of guilt over gooseberries. Like, for real. I hope that this is not a start of a relapse, because I am fighting so hard. But the fact I felt better for some time made me feel so nice so now it is extra difficult. I thought that the high was going to last a bit longer.

I am a little stressed about my work trip. I mean, I will not have any control over food and drinks and so on. I keep thinking that I want this to be over already... I want routine. It is weird. Sometimes I think that I want to do many things and go to many places, but at the same time I want my calm routine. I like when I get to go home after work and having not to do anything. I am all the time so fucking tired. Maybe it is because of it. I really look forward to "my time" when I get home and get to sit online or read a book or something. Even on Friday or Saturday evenings, I just want to go home instead of going out. I just don't have anough strength/or even want to do anything. Sometimes I am embarrassed to say this. I don't want to offend anyone. But... it is what it is. I can't help it. And then there is my mum. She is always like "go somewhere, do something". And then when she asks that "weren't you supposed to go there" and I say that yeah, I thought about it, but didn't want to, she replies with "ohhh no", "you should have" and so on. :D And it causes some axtra guilt. As if I didn't have enough of it. :D

I mean I get it that it is nice to go to places and do things, but I don't want to do it all the time. Especially right now. I have a lot I need to deal with, I need to fight this disorder and I just use all of my energy on it. And if I went somewhere or met up with someone, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the moment, because my mind has a lot of other stuff to deal with. And then I feel that I would rather be at home and fight my fights, instead of making others feel miserable. I don't know, it makes a lot of sence in my head. I understand that I can't do this for forever and I should meet people, but I DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH. I don't know how some people do something every single day. I mean, I can do it, if I force myself. But on some occasions I just want to be by myself. :D

I don't know where all this came from, but I just really wanted to get these thoughts out.

Weekend was... a challenge. I'll get to that.

Weekend... made no sense. I really didn't expect anything like this. Like seriously: we found a turtle from our garden. (It also made the news!)

This was a moment where you were thinking if you are dreaming or not. I was at home and about to put apple cake/pie in the oven and I was supposed to go outside to pick some apples. The next moment my mum bangs on the kitchen window and waves her hand. I am like, okay, what is going on and look outside. She points at the apple tree. And there I can see... maybe a hedgehog? But it is big? The next moment I realise it is a TURTLE. We grabbed our phones (me, my sister and dad) and ran outside.

A big turtle just ate an apple. Like really got into it. At first we thought that we shouldn't go too near, because it may be scared of us. But the little guy ran to my dad (who used to have a turtle when he was small!). The turtle was quite fast, but in sunny and warm days thet are really active. Anyway, we picked it up (actually just moved it a little, so it wouldn't escape) and asked neighbours and people living nearby if they have lost their pet. No one knew where it came from.

I googled what to do in this kind of situation and there was an article saying that you should contact your local shelter. It was Saturday of course and they only acted in rare cases. But they did call me back after I left a message, saying that "you have a surprise guest, can we come and pick it up". :D They picked it up quite fast. I really hope that thanks to my Facebook post and article on the news it will get home soon. :D

The challenge was making apple pie. As I mentione in my last post, I decided to make curd cream and apple pie.

I should have used a bigger pan, because it was too small for this. :D At first it didn't seem like it was, but well. It tasted amazing, though. The recipes from this one site never fail. I am also going to make another dish from their page tomorrow, so I will probably post about that too.

Anyway, I had two pieces with ice cream on the first day (I paused my eating disorder again).

Even my dad, who doesn't really like cakes, had several pieces. So everyone really liked it. I sent the recipe to my mum as well, because she really loved it. Anyway, I have come to realise that baking is awesome. We brought a lot of apples from Viljandi and I already thought that if we can't eat them all, I will bake again. I am not a fan of Estonia's traditional apple pie, because I have had it so much, but there are loads of cool recipes online.

Anyway yes, this was quite hard. I have gained 1,2 kgs during this weekend. I know that it won't all stick with me, but still... it is difficult. But at the same time I weighed myself today morning and discovered this and my reaction was... okay then. OKAY THEN? WHO AM I? I don't recognize myself!

When parents brought us to Tallinn, we went to have some food at Little India. I picked vegetable thali and it was amazing. Hadn't been to Little India in a while, so it was super nice. But still, I don't know. How is it possible that I didn't care about my weight in the morning? What is going on? I made porridge and added cherries and cocoa and I didn't even feel like I needed to restrict at all, which was new. This makes no sense. Yesterday evening I did think that tomorrow I will do this and that and skip a meal and make a lighter breakfast and so on, but then the time comes, I weigh myself and I just don't care? Like, what the heck. :D I don't understand. Is this how normal people feel? Is this how normal people act?!

What can I say. This is funny.

I explained to my friend the other day that I am done. I am done with this illness. I have had these kind of moments before as well, but it hit me extra hard on this day. I am so done. I felt so motivated and told her a lot about my thoughts and I thought I will write down some things here as well.

I have been talking about my eating disorder forever and forever and I am finally too tired of it. I don't want to keep repeating how difficult it is and how many guilty feelings I have and how hard it is to eat and getting out of my routine and soooooo on. Yes, it is very difficult. I know I am at the very beginning of this journey, because well, I am. I haven't been able to break through myself. Maybe it would have been different if I stayed at the hospital for longer. Maybe I would have gotten better sooner. Maybe I would be a success story already and tell all the positive things. Maybe.

My weight has gone up compared to yesterday, and now a few hundred grams, but a whole half oa kilo. And this number scared me at first and I got these thoughts of needing to restrict again and so on. And then I was like, why. I should be happy that this has happened. I am so done with worrying over this number. I am so done. What does this number actually show? Like, I don't know. And now it is another day and the number has been the same, meaning I have really gained weight. Okay, it is bothering me, but I can't be without weighing myself either. But at least now I feel like I can handle the bigger number. I have also discovered recently that my brain is functioning better, my thoughts are not all over the place and I can focus better. At work people have told me that I seem to be more alive and happer and some of my cases have gotten positive feedback from the boss. This overweights the number on the scale. I feel more energetic.

At the same time sometimes, like yesterday, I am so tired. Somehow it seems that the more I eat, the more tired I am. I don't know if it makes sense. Maybe it is that my body is finally working on healing itself and for that it needs rest. I have heard about this from other ill people. That before things get better, there is a period of being tired and you just need to push through. I guess it may be true.

The same friend I talked to, gave me a good read here and there are some things that made me think. It is a story about someone dealing with an eating disorder and it has been devided into chapters by questions. It is a good read, if you want to know more about eating disorders.

Anyway, what works for me is that if I eat properly one day, then it is easier to do the same on the next. If I eat less, then I immediately have this "but yesterday I ate less, meaning I should eat even less today". Weird, but it has been coded into my brain so heavily.

What else... I have thought that maybe I would like to learn nutrition. Be useful, help others. But what kind of food coach would I be if I looked like this? Who would trust me? I need to look normal for people to have anu faith in me.

I want to be inspiring, couraging, successful. I want to show that getting better is possible and it can be done on your own and that things will get better as a result. I want... to share my success story. I have discussed this with many of my friends - there is no point in blogging, if nothing changes.

So yes, I hope my weight won't drop back down. And it didn't, at least not for now! This gain was bigger than I expected, but it is better to go through it right now, instead of dropping a few hundred grams and then feel better and then feel shitty again after another gain. If there is wight gain to happen, it should happen right away. I am tired of just being, stressing out, feeling guilty and soooo on. So I still had big breakfast, I picked some chocolates to take with me to work and I just think: whatever. I will live on. And if I really don't like myself as a bigger person or when I get really angry at myself or, I don't know, I get fat, I can lose some weight again. :D I have shown that I can do this. But at the same time I think losing weight would be really difficult, because I really like my snacks and meals. :D I couldn't give up rice crackers, chocolates, yoghurts, kohuke again... So I think I will keep this up. This is a good habit.

Now I am going to my parents' place for the weekend and I try to pause my eating disorder once more. I told it that well, until the end of the month I don't want to deal with you. And if you want toe be more present, then at least not until 27th when I have the next doctor's appointment. I am kind of excited to show them my progress! Finally they will believe that I can handle it and that I am taking steps towards recovery.

Made some bread to take with me. It kind of exploded a little. I used more liquid dough this time and it seems that the result is a lot better. If I taste it, I can say more, but it seems softer and fluffier.

I also decided I will bake a cake at my parents'. I picked one curd cream-apple cake. My mum said that apples are starting to be ripe and this seems like a great idea. Also, I want to bake more. Me and sister don't eat that much baked goods, but I want to try and make a lot of different things! I can bake for work at least. :D I don't think there is a person who wouldn't like some cake.

Got a lot of vegetables from my sister's friend - tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchinis, bell peppers. These zucchinis are HUGE, but I am already excited to cook with them. I looked up so many cool recipes to try. Next week I want to make zucchini-mushrooms stew, salad, zucchini burgers, zucchini-tomato bake, grilled and baked zucchini... :D I have a lot of ideas. So at one point I will post some recipes I think, it I wrote this down for future blog post ideas.

How is it going with walking? Very well. Sometimes I get these thoughts that I should walk more, especially when I don't have anything to do, but I have been stopping myself. I have used more public transport and tried not to feel guilty over it. And honestly, if you start moving less, it becomes easier. Like the first time I walked 10 000 steps instead of 20 000 I felt really shitty, but it has become easier now. And so on. And now for some days I have walked less than 10k. And I am so done with stressing over it.

Walking is nice, I really like to listen to a podcast and then walk somewhere, but I can do this when I, for example, design my bullet journal or something. I don't know, I am not really into listening to music these days (unless I drink some wine at home :D). I also did apply to be press at Tallinn Music Week though, I was a press a few years ago and it was really cool experience!

I also thought about shopping a lot and what I have discovered. I have this... general panic that I will run out of things. Even if I have a lot of something, for example mayo or ketchup or fresh veggies, I still think that I need to buy more, stock up... this is so weird. But at the same time it makes sense as my brain is in survival mode, it gets only little food and it keeps thinking that I need to make sure there is enough of everything. And then I buy like a kilo of tomatoes and they just sit in my fridge. :D Of course it is nice to have enough things, but it sometimes annoys me. For example when I plan foods for an entire week, because if I don't I am really stressed. And the next days, even when I have evetything, I STILL go to the store and stock up on something. That is why I have a lot of stock and snacks - chocolates, waffers, peanuts, chips and so on. I just buy everything, even though I don't use the tings fast. I want to break free from it.

I really like going to food stores in general. It is nice and it is cool to discover new things and enjoy food and I love that I like cooking, but yes. I think it is a bit too obsessive.

Anyway, I will definitely make a post about zucchini foods. And there are some other topics I want to write about. I have some ideas, I just need to fulfil them.

On Monday me and my sister will go to this 100% vegan cafe, which I have been wanting to visit for a while now. Exciting. The only thing is that I can't decide on what I want to have, there are so many options but at the same time they seem so calorific. :D 

Anyway, yes. This is a completely pointless, emotional post.

I haven't really been able to fully test it out, actually I have only used it once, for a recipe I came up with myself. But it worked well so I decided to blog about it.

I have the multicooker from a company named Brock Electronics, which is nice, but... in Russian. My parents helped to translate the menu when they drove us home though, so it is not bothering me much. :D My multicooker has 36! different regimes and I think I won't be using some of them, but well, the more the merrier.



Anyway, right after getting it, I really wanted to try it out. I decided to make a potato casserole - I have made it in the oven and it didn't matter that I left it there for a loong time, potatoes were still a bit on the raw side. So I thought it is a good recipe to test out the multicooker.

There was a similar recipe in the book that came with it, so I took this as my base, but added many different ingredients depending on what I wanted.

I made it with three huge potatoes, two eggs, some milk, one gigantic carrot, a lot of onion, some mushrooms and some cheese. I also added some mayo. I mixed it all together and put it into the multicooker. For the program I picked plov, as the menu suggested it. It took 55 minutes.



It was really weird. To think that there is this pot sitting on your counter top and cooking for you. :D Seemed unreal. At one point the whole on top of the cooker released some steam, so that was the first indicator that it actually worked. It smelled amazing and me and my sister were really eager to try it.

And we could, after 55 minutes! (Also, after it stops cooking, it still keeps the food warm so that is extra nice.) The taste was really good. Also, if I made it again, I wouldn't even add eggs, it was not necessary at all. So you could also make it completely vegan by using plant based milk, vegan cheese and vegan mayo. The potatoes were perfect! Nothing was overcooked, it was just well made. So considering this experience, I totally recommend. :D



Huge portions. :D

Anyway, I really want to make steamed gyoza (dumplings) with spicy veggies and salmon, maybe I will also finally make some curry or a stew (my sister actually asked for it and I thought I was the only fan of stews...). Anyway. When I try something new and come up with new recipes, I will surely let you know.

I looked at it and discovered it also has a program for making pudding, though I haven't found a recipe online for it. Should google some more. Most of the multicooker recipes I have found are also with meat... I guess you can change them up a little and so on.

All in all it seems like a good product if you want to try something interesting and want to make food easy.

It got hot already forever ago and surprisingly the heatwave is still going strong. Today I also went to a free yoga class at the beach - this was really neat, the first ever yoga lesson I actually liked, but I managed to get super sunburnt. (Also, I promise there is the post about 7 day yoga challenge coming too!)

Anyway, on one of those hottest days I decided to try and eat only raw foods. It was too warm to even have much of an appetite, so it seemed simple.

Yeah. Simple. Maybe. I am a complete newbie when it comes to raw food, so I decided to do this challenge for 24 hours and I was not super strict, as I could have been. Also, I was conflicted - should I still be allowed coffee? Luckily, most of my friends decided that yes, it is ok. :D I mean, me and coffee - we cannot be separated!

Estonian version of the challenge is available here.

Morning - I still wanted to get my porridge. I mean, I have never been a huge smoothie person. Yes, I did have smoothie bowls during my no spend week challenge, but it was more like a dessert. To start off the day with a smoothie... I dunno. Breakfast is generally my favourite meal of the day and I hate it when I can't enjoy it. :D Smoothie for me is like a drink - I usually have it quite fast and after this, I feel hungry again in like ten minutes. I have no idea how much I should drink it. I mean, it is filling, but for a MOMENT only.

I decided to go for overnight oats instead. I did not have the quick cooking ones, of course. So a night before I mixed some almond milk, oats and added shredded coconut as well as cinnamon, raisins and nuts + seeds.

Obviously it escaped me that when I am cooking oats on the stove, some of the liquid evaporates, so the overnight oats came out a bit... watery. :D But it was not bad - the taste was there! I didn't add any other flavourings (like peanut butter powder or chai spice or cocoa), because I was not sure of the rawness. However, I am still not convinced I managed to be all raw. But hey, I did do my best! Apologies, if you feel offended - please don't and teach me instead. I didn't have much time to make research and plan beforehand as well, because it was just intended to be simple and fun, spontaneous challenge.

Anyway, I added some strawberries to my overnight oats and drank my coffee happily with almond milk. If nothing else, at least it was 100% vegan day. :)


I didn't feel hungrier than usually, even if I was walking around at the Maritime Days festival near the sea.

Snacks - Still, I wanted to snack for a bit. Mainly also so I could get more water in - I am really bad at drinking enough. For snacks, then, I had apples, pears and tons of watermelon. And I didn't really need much else...


          








Lunch - This was easy, as I tend to have this kind of stuff at home anyway, and during days like this I (and my sister) often have something similar. Or just as a side. This time I made a bigger size of course.

          





The proper lunch, as pictured at the beginning, was actually Romaine lettuce, salsa sauce, marinated onions, cucumber, tomato, bell paper and salad topping seeds mix thingy. I would say the seeds really add a nice texture. Also I did have another cup of coffee, because... how could I not? And if (almost) everyone agreed I'm allowed to...

Dinner - I wanted to try something I haven't made before, so I actually went to the store, hoping I will get sudden inspiration. :D I mean, I guess it was semi-successful.


I picked up a huge zucchini - which I do not recommend, because it was almost impossible to make these zucchini noodles with my spiralizer, but I managed - and an avocado, as they seem to finally be in season and the price is okay. Generally I am not an avocado-person (no idea why, these are so good!), so I was very excited at myself for picking a good one.

So I made this pretty decent salad/raw pasta. Zucchini and added homemade guacamole (my version had tons of garlic, tomato, whole avocado, salt, pepper and lemon juice). As a drink I had some carbonated water. I used to be super obsessed with Coca Cola, but I am trying to limit this and move to water. Currently my favourite is Aura's cowberry (oh, didn't know that word) one.


          











Dessert - I guess I could have been more... innovative or something, as this is my regular dessert/after meal snack anyway. :D It had black cherries, babycarrots, cherry tomatoes, an apple and a pear.



In my opinion, the hot day was quite successfully survived. I didn't have sister with me on that day, but now that she has been home, we have made the zucchini-avocado thing for like... 5-6 times already. And she also loves it.

What did I learn?
That I actually am an avocado person.

Would I do it again?
For sure. If I pulled myself together and made some proper research and planning, I would really like to try it at least for 3 days. Just to get a feeling of how it would be.

During that day and the next morning I was great. I was feeling quite frest, to be honest.

Anyway, share some ideas and... would you try it?