Started my Monday very bravely with peanut butter bar and some chocolate. A really small one, but it was in my drawer, waiting to be eaten. So I added it to my first snack. It is difficult to have several things as a snack. 

It was a very peanutty day, as my second snack was Snickers. Which is also a Very Scary Thing. Because Snickers has so many calories and others can have it but not me. So I had it myself. It was also in my drawer for the longest time, it was about time to eat it. But it brought a lot of guilt. For some time I thought I should miss my lunch, but I didn't. Now I have to just deal with these feelings, I hope it goes well.. but at the moment I am not feeling too great. But I discovered that I kind of got over Snickers. Yes, it was good, but I didn't stop at the store to stare at the Snickers bar, thinking I want it. It was much sweeter than I remembered but I kind of got rid of the craving. It became so simple and normal. I thought this would never happen.

Within the next days I want to try and have a pastry. It is difficult with those. I can have normal bread-ryebread-stuff, especially when it is self-made or baked. But having a pastry from the store it is just "nooo no no don't have it". So this is what I should do.

So on Tuesday I went to the store and got a poppy seed roll from Rimi. It was so difficult. I remember that when I was at the hospital, I had to write down my meals for when I am not there anymore. Just like, to make a plan. And then on some point I said that I would take a pastry from the store as a snack and then one of the nurses said that no, this is not enough. Then I mentioned it would be from a store called Rimi to what another nurse said "okay, then this is fine, Rimi stuff has a lot of calories". From this time, this block in my head has been there. Weird, how such a small thing has been stuck in my head for over a year now.

I am convinced I imagined it was really buttery. But it made eating it very difficult. Of course I decided to look up the calories as well and this was sick. There is no reason to feel bad about it, I know. But it was good. Before having it, I heated it up in the microwave and it was really nice and warm and fresh tasting. But with this, I didn't have this emotion of I am now done with pastries, I still crave them. And keep thinking I want to try some more. But at the Rimi there weren't any other I would have liked to try. There are a lot more in another store, but I am bothered because they don't have calories anywhere. If I knew, I would knew and I would feel more secure. I need to know. This is the control factor of the illness.

Anyway, in addition to this I had my regular snack as well, which was really overcoming this fear. And in addition I had even more candy that I brought to work myself. I later regretted it, but I did it and didn't gain hundred kilos the next morning, which I thought would definitely happen.

Wednesday challenge was Belvita cookies. I have a story with them. Last time I had them, I was in Romania and they had a huge selection (my favourites are not in Estonia :(), but from then I have thought about wanting them. In general cookies seem to be my recent obsession.

On the next day, my weight had gone up 700 grams and it kind of threw me off. Not for long though, I mean I still had proper breakfast and I didn't skip snacks or lunch, but it was still quite difficult to handle. I know it isn't logical that I gained this amount in 24 hours and that it sticks, but I still keep thinking about how is it that much etc. If it went up little by little, it would be easier. But I don't know, I guess it had to go like this. We shall see. I kind of also want the weight to STAY up, until I get used to it. I don't want it to go down either. Weird. Difficulties with understanding myself. :D

For my Thursday snack I had a whole 400 grams of yoghurt. I picked peanut-bread one. I remember when I was still living with my parents and having this was so easy. Then someone came up with this "yoghurts have so much extra sugar in them and it is not healthy". I mean, it is true, but... However, when I went to the store, I reallty wanted exactly this. So I decided to pick it up and have the whole thing at once. Also I remember I have bought some yoghurt and always been really precise like "I can only have exactly half of it" and this is really stressful. And then I have felt guilty if I have had a little more than a half. Constant battle with myself.

Anyway, having this went well. I ate it too fast. Sometimes I feel like my stomach is a completely balck bit and I will never be full. Also with the yoghurt, now I feel like I want to have all the flavours and all at once. I should probably give in and do exactly this. Then it will become another normal snack. I want to get there.

And for Friday aka today I have nuts and chocolate bar. Because nuts are still really scary. And then I thought that I should challenge exactly this. I think it is okay. Besides, after work I am going to see some flats with my sister and I need this energy. I don't know what time we will be back at home.

Relating to this challenge, I am planning to go forward with it. Pick things for snacks that I have been too scared of having. Because yes, it is scary, but it is also really nice. It is good to allow yourself have stuff you have been too scaref of having for such a long time. I keep looking aroung in the stores and thinking that "I will try this and that and that" and it feels really good.

I am kind of annoyed with having three meals and three snacks though. Like, I live for these moments. I don't know if I am ever able to have just three meals and be done. I don't know any healthy person who has so many snacks and this scares me. It is like, right now it is recovery time and I can do this, but in the future I have to start restricting again. It is such a weird and bothering thing. I don't know, I just feel scared of the future.

I have thought about setting some short-term goals again, because it is cool to do them and it really helps me. If I don't write a challenge down and only think about it, my actions and thoughts don't really match up. Writing things down and sharing them kind of makes me be more accountable. Like this week has been with the Very Scary Snacks. If I hadn't set this thing up, I would have broken down and not done it. This would have meant that my eating disorder won. This kept me right.

So the goals for the next week are:

1. Have snacks that are literally between 200-300 calories (and not maximum 200 as I have done previously).
2. Adding chai spice to my porridge. I have been wanting to do this for a while but I have been too scared.
3. Be more flexible with meal times and not stick to the clock. I really want to listen to myself and have food when I am actually hungry, not to think that okay, it is 11 am now, I can now have a sanck.

I think three is enough. I will start with them today (like with number one goal). And then let's go from there. Today me and my sister are planning to have a beer maybe and some blue cheese (this used to be really ewwww for me, but now I love it :D) and just not think. Watch something, not making the meal to be the best thing about the night.

In addition to this all I wrote down all the food items I have been having this week. And if I put in today's plan, then I have 51! Yay, managed it. :D This is such a cool thing to do, it is really diverse food I have been having, eh?

How my cleaning challenge is going? Not too great. I haven't really stuck to it, I have to confess. I have made SOME progress and thrown away a lot of stuff, but I really haven't been following the list at all. :D I will try to keep up with it and do more on the weekend though. Yesterday I did pack up some books and stuff. At first I thought I will send stuff to my parents', but why would they have to keep things, if they are mine? But in general a lot of my decluttering goes like "okay, I am cleaning this area" and then I put all the stuff to another cupboard and think that "yep, this is for another day" :D :D. I think I am realllly clever.

Anyway yeah, I am really glad today is Friday. Ideally, I would like to go to some furniture stores on the weekend and see some sofas in real life. I have a long list of things I want to get. :D I should start actually buying the stuff at some point, because only 29 days to go!

To finish this post, I wish you all a good morning and I hope you will find something positive in today. For me, it was nice to see a driver rise their hand after I waved and thanked them to let me cross the road. Also it was really foggy and spooky outside, it looked cool - like in a horror movie. My cat was adorable today, really wanted some attention and cuddles. My weight hadn't gone down, maybe I can do this life insurance thing soon (they don't let to do it if you are too much underweight). My porridge was really great. And coffee at work is really good. And I have plans for the weekend, it has been a while. Ah, and there was a boy in the tram who had made himself into a lego man and another one with horns and all white clothing. Halloween is upon us, though it is not much celebrated in Estonia. And... so many great things and it is only 8:17?!