I Won't Quote

For example today at home I got super intense panic attack. It was the same feeling I got right when I woke up from anesthesia, except that I just woke up from normal sleep. Just for a moment I did not understand anything, colours were supert intense and nothing made suddenly sense. Thoughts did not move as they were supposed to, I did not understand my emotions, I didn't know if there was any basis for my thoughts and I just did not know what to do to feel normal again.

I have decided to have all these posts available to read without password. Because for example for me, it would have been really beneficial to read someone's experience regarding the treatment.

Today there was 4th session. It is annoying that people are asked to go and get the treatment in living queue - it is impossible to predict what time it takes place. Usually I have been the first one from our department, but this time there was another girl in front of me. It helped me to finally realise how fast it all is done. Under 10 minutes for sure and in 20 you have already woken up.

Last time one girl freaked out and had a panic attack, because side efect of ECT is temporary memory loss / amnesia and she did not remember she was even at the hospital. It was scary. At least there are not cases where memories have not come back eventually.

Today I felt how medicine was injected into my hand and it was really scary to feel my hand and rest of the body to get all numb. Currently I don't remember waking up, but next moment I was in the waiting room, battling panick attack myself. I have been here for such a long time already, and I don't know how long I still have left. It seems that I am really sick person.

The worst part is that I feel guilty for missing work, more than anything. And right now my eating disorder is not the biggest issue, I feel like everything in me is drowning in depression.

I feel a bit better now, even though it took me a while to calm down and I managed to cause a commotion. I have to mention that people in this hospital are really amazing though and I have felt very secure and safe here.

We got back to our building and had breakfast, despite also getting lunch in an hour. My eating disorder is screaming and yelling from the top of it's lungs. I am writing about anorexia as well, it is up in my Estonian blog already.

Anyway, it seems that I will probably get two more times of ECT next week and then I can think about going home. Weirdly, writing the blog has helped me to make peace with being here. Well, except the panic attach I managed to have.

This weekend I can be home on both days from 10 to 19, to see how this will go. I hope everything will be smooth and okay. I feel that I am ready to go home, I would gladly even come to get the treatment from home, I'd have ni problem paying for taxi.

I could fill the papers and discharge myselg, but nurses say that I have come so far already and they seriously care and want to make me eel better before that. I guess this is better than coming back later.

Anyway, I am sure I am one of the most difficult clients here...

Today they left cannula into my hand. My veins on the back of my hands are too small so the location of cannula is really bothering me, in addition to everything bothering me anyway.

From our department, there are 3 people (including me) getting ECT currently. I was again taken as first one to get the treatment. This time I didn't feel any discomfort while getting injections into my hand, but at the same time I was much more sure that I will not fall asleep. Which I luckily did, of course. And I can remember how vision got blurry and twisted.

When I woke up, my head or teeth didn't hurt, the only part hurting was my cannula, but it passed soon as well. I only have a little headache which I will ask medicine as soon as I finish this post.

The weirdest abot ECT is when they attach those small plates onto me.

Last time my memory was okay, but this time, as soon as I got back to our division building, I just stopped in the middle of the stairs, as I could not remember where or which number my room was. It came back to me soon enough, but it was weird empty feeling for a second there.

Someone asked if amnesia is scary, but no. It is surprising. I was sincerely surprised that I could not remember such a simple thing, even though I have been here for a while. I also called my mum and had to several times ask, which day it was. Also, as before ECT you are not allowed to eat, I struggled to find the kitchen. Finally had my breakfast at 11 and lunch already at 12.

I haven't really written about my eating disorder; would anyone like to hear more about that as well...? Maybe it would be useful or me though, as I tend to make more sense of stuff after telling it to someone or simply writing it all down. Also this may be helpful for someone else too.

My head feels sort of... empty? And light. But at the same time I feel like a baby and would like to cry a lot.

Next session soon and I will write again then, Right now I am full and feeling guilty because of it.