I Won't Quote

Every morning we have to come up with three positive things from the previous day. I thought I would mark down a few things that have made staying here easier or things that have left me with positive emotion in general.

+ My relative came to visit me. I haven't seen her for years, but when we were talking, it felt as if no time had passed. The fact that she cares is really adorable. I also had a crying fit, simply because everyone are so nice to me.

+ My mum came to visit me and I was allowed to go to the store with her.

+ I called my mum when I was feeling extra shitty, and she was just a voice of logic. I felt stupid about crying, but it is good when someone close to you can just repead things you know and have forgotten due to stressing over the situation.

+ A friend sent me a pile of books, snacks, face masks and stuff. Honestly, I have no idea how I deserved those people. I started reading "Orange is the New Black" (I have watched the seies) and I was thinking about writing a review on it. I am stressed about having to take all these books back to her... but if I need to stay at the hospital until Christmas, then I have time to read them all. Also, while reading that, I keep thinking as if I myself am in prison.

+ My sister is so supportive it makes me want to scream. She always says the right stuff to calm my nerves and she is another voice of reason in this deep dark mess.

+ In art therapy I made some interesting things. Unfortunately art therapy is not every day, but it is nice when we get to do something. I really want to continue making art - either in therapy or just fillinf my scrapbook, which I have done on couple of occasions already.

+ Group therapy is fun. It is always so quiet here, but actually it is really nice to have people talk about what is good, what is easy, what is difficult. It makes us all more relatable. Talking to others and nurses I finally feel as if I am in a right place. This relief is so big I barely can handle it. I still haven't let go of the control, but I am trying my best. I have noticed that I have applied some rules to myself even in here, but I am trying to make them lesser. When I write about some of my worse days, I will surely mention them.

+ A lot of people have told me that they are willing to come an visit. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I will never get tired of thanking you.

+ I finally came to a realisation, during some cry-times, that I would help with all I've got if someone around me was in the same position. So I feel a bit better accepting help. With this positive thing I have to constantly remind it to myself.

The next post will be about the new weight; I am also seeing my psychologist and maybe also my doctor. I will already warn you that it won't be pretty, I am dreading tomorrow and dreading all the bad thoughts.

In Tallinn we had art therapy classes, where we could make all kinds of works. In Tartu we have different kind of therapy, which is still quite similar, but there is also an option to do more, like knitting and crocheting, solve puzzles etc.

I gathered my focus and decided to do some art. I don't think my ideas are too original... or I dunno. They are really simple pictures, but I decided to show what I have made. A bit easier topic for a change.



Cacti. It was really calming to make this. Since the day I went to old town to draw/paint with my friend, I have been wanting to paint with akvarels. Yesterday I finally got to do it and I am pleased. Unfortunately there was not akvarel paper, so I needed to work fast so the paper would not become completely soaked.



I used a puzzle box as a canvas, but it fits with the theme of this work. I was thinking about the future trip to Japan in February. Just something made with a pen, nothing special.



My emotions are currently still offline, but I am noticing them switching on on some occasions. For example I have cried a lot. :D And it is good, because I don't feel so numb anymore.



I hope that these tears will grow into something good and beautiful. I have gotten so many nice comments from people doing well in or after their recovery, so I am finally starting to become more hopeful. Maybe I will get rid of anorexia for good. There is hope.



The brain needs to grow, thoughts need to change, hope must sprout.

I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't post about hospital so much. Maybe I shouldn't talk about my recovery. Maybe it is too much and it makes people feel bad. Maybe I will be more general or... protect some more serious posts with passwpord? If you have any thoughts regarding it, please let me know.

Did some scrapbooking at the hospital and others really liked it.

Wednesday

Breakfast 8:30 - millet porridge, cup of coffee, cup of milk, bread with egg and butter, white bread with cheese and tomato, an apple. (I felt so full and I had no apetite at all.)

Snack 11:00 - half of Geisha chocolate, cup of tea. (It is weird when you are just forced to eat chocolate. Made some tea on the side, it was good. And it was nice to tip chocolate into it.)

Lunch 13:00 - rice with vegetables, cup of kefir, tomato and cucumber salad, one slice of bread, one slice of toast, strawberry-berry compor. (I was too full again, I also had to drink some water as I was unable to get the bread down. Rice was really good.)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla ice cream, 3 chocolate candies. (I had to eat the candies really fast, because others were already finished, which did not let me enjoy my snack and it was in my mind for a long time. I felt like wasting calories. Ice cream was good though, but it is weird to eat so many sweet things in a day...)

Dinner 17:00 - vegetable and cabbage soup, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and cheese, banana. (I did not feel hungry at all. For real, all we do here is eat. I want the first weigh in to be over already so I know how much I gained and can freely freak out.)

Snack 19:30 - rhubarb-strawberry yoghurt, handful of dried fruits and nuts. (Finally, today is done. It came with a crying fit after dinner, a lot of guilt and loneliness. I don't want to be here. Everything is too much and I just want out. Everything is too suddenly. It is only the third day, but it is killing me.)

Thursday

Thursday morning I was weighed again and my new number was 37.5 kg, which means that only in 3 days, I have gained 1.3 kg. This is definitely too much. There is so many thoughts and panic in my head. Even the doctor mentioned that few kgs in a week is too much and now this already within 3 days? I got to talk to my doctor and tried to ask how much of a weight gain would be normal. But I did not get an answer. They told me that if something is wrong, they will change it, but currently they will let it go as it has been. What's more, I was told that they will probably keep me here until Christmas. Which is such a long time. I don't know how my workplace will take it etc...

They won't do the brain scan again as it was done in Tallinn already when I was at the hospital there and in 6 months the results don't reallty change, so that is good. My bloodwork was okay, some vitamins were a bit lower than recommended so they prescribed that.

Breakfast 8:30 - oatmeal with apricot jam, butter and egg on toast, butter and cheese with cucumber on bread, glass of tomato juice which I managed to change into apple-orange juice, cup of coffee with milk. (It was very difficult to eat this, as I was feeling really bad due to the weight gain. Stomach was too full again. I managed to cry during a meeting where we talk about our emotions. I also have a slight headache and I didn't sleep too good. Maybe I will ask for a painkiller, maybe it will numb the pain in my thoughts as well. I don't know, I don't know what to do and I canõt get these bad feelings out.)

Snack 11:00 - Tupla chocolate, cup of tea. (To be fair, I love chocolate. Especially Tupla. And I love eating it. But at the moment I am so... angry at myself and at my weight that I don't want it and it makes the whole process really uncomfortavle. Especially because there is a small break and then it is lunch time already, which is always the most food.)

Lunch 13:00 - potatoes with vegetables, one slice of bread, one slice of toast, cup of kefir, cocoa and orange. (I don't understand it, people do not normally have two huge slices of bread with every single meal. But we have to do this here. It is dry and it sucks. For example I want a pastry for my next snack, but if I am already eating that much bread... I cannot. Stomach is so full again and I am feeling awfully anxious. I have waves of anxiety going over me, it means I will get really hot suddenly and then really cold and it keeps switching and spreading all over my body.)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla curd cream. (I am feeling so full that it was difficult to swallow. I just had a longer chat with my doctor prior to this, so I made it into the kitchen a little late and did not manage to make myself a cup of tea ant more. Even though I would have liked one. And now there is 2 hours and already dinner.)

Dinner 17:00 - huge, I mean really huge, portion of pasta with vegetables, tomato and cucumber salad, bread with cheese and butter, toast with cheese and butter, an apple. (Others had soup, which I would have liked, but whatever. Today there were two proper meals. A bit scary, as I was not hungry and haven't felt hungry in here ever.)

Snack 19:30 - vanilla ice cream, 3 chocolate candies. (Okay, this was horrible. Wrong choice. I wanted ice cream, but it was too little, so I had to take some candies as well. I took 2 different ones. And then again I had to have them really fast so I didn't enjoy it at all. And ice cream wasn't as good as I hoped, too. In general there were so many guilty feelings from today. Especially from the candies. I feel bad for my decisions. I feel really stupid. From the weigh-in in the morning, too. I want it to be Monday already, so I would know how much I have gained and I hope it is a bit less than 1.3 kgs. I know I need to gain weight, but I don't want it to come so rapidly...)

I am not on vegetarian (or pescetarian) diet. And this is my view from my window.

Breakfast at 8:30: rice porridge, glass of milk, coffee, bread with butter, cheese and cucumber, white bread with an egg. Too much food. I am not used to this, my heart is beating super fast. It is so tough. And I keep looking at others and thinking I will blow up like a balloon. Today they weighed me and this was lower than ever before. I am 170 cm and my weight was 36,2 kg, which makes my body mass index into 12,53. Normal is around 20, and under 15 it is considered life threatening. I cannot believe that I have made it here and that the things are so bad. Last time I weighed myself at home, I was around 39 kg.

During this week they will do MRT for my brain and check my bone density, today they took blood tests in addition to weighing me.

My friend gave me a good idea to write about my daily schedule.

At 8:30 is wake up time and breakfast and then there is meeting where everyone have to tell 3 positive things about yesterday, then you have to tell how you slept, how did you feel during the meal and how are you feeling in general. Then after breakfast there is resting regimen, meaning you have to lay in bed for about an hour, toilets are also locked. There is a moment when everyone's blood pressure is taken, too.

They do blood tests two times a week and also weigh you two times per week. They will let you know your weight, unless you ask them not do. I want to know, because this will hopefully prove that I am not going to gain 10 kg randomly in a few days. :D

At 11 there is snack time which can be something you have bought yourself, but there are some options given by the hospital as well. Today for example at 11:00 I had a whole bar of Tupla chocolate.

Then there is some more free time, but on some days there is group therapy, for example today at 14:15.

Lunch at 13:00: borch soup (beetroot soup), huge slice of bread, huge slice of white bread; dried fruit compot with raisins and whipped cream.

The most annoying thing is that all the portions are huge and I feel physically uncomfortable full. At the same time I have to say that the meeting and discussing our feelings really helps to get over this irrational feeling of fear I have. For example the nurses remind you that this food is normal, other people at the hospital eat the exact same thing, it just FEELS too much for me.

Anyway, at group therapy we did some drawing exercise today; the topic was you yourself and things you are thankful for. I discovered it was really difficult, as I just felt really numb.

Snack at 15:00: cinnamon roll and tea.

The cinnamon roll was disappointing and automatically I got the idea that I have "wasted" my calories. I could have had something better, if I have to eat anyway. Argh, I am really annoyed by my own brain.

After snack time there is again resting regimen. People who are allowed to can participate in physiotherapy. I am not alowed to move, so I was just sitting around until dinner.

I have been watching Stranger Things on Netflix and done sudokus at the same time. That is something. At the same time I cannot focus on one thing for too long and I am awfully bored. (I am bored right now so I am translating this post from my Estonian blog.)

Dinner at 17:00: vegetable stew with rice, big slice of bread with butter and cheese, big slice of whire bread with butter and cheese, a glass of milk.

Again I felt so disgustingly full, which is a little better now. It still bothers me though.

Snack at 19:30: vanilla pudding with handful of nuts.

I feel like I am posting too often but oh well. Still up for writing about stuff you would like to hear. Or let me know if this is too much or too boring. Thanks.

My mum drove me to the hospital in Tartu. To mental ward. Before that we went to a store where I got myself connecting the dots book, sudoku and crosswords and some chocolates.

I arrived at the hospital and at first had to talk to some doctor and then to a nurse. I had to tell my whole life story in one go. From the beginning of my eating disorder to describing how my usual day looks like food-wise. And I had to talk about my childhood. And the second time I told my life story was when I met my psychiatrist here.

Then it was 11 am and it was snack time. Snack has to be something sweet. I had to eat 50 grams (hald of a bar) of chocolate. I picked Mesikäpp, which is new and I have been wanting to try it. Dark chocolate with crunchy caramel pieces. I felt really guilty because on the weekend we celebrated my mum's bday and I ate too much.

At 1 o'clock it is lunch time so we shall see how it goes. I managed to get myself on vegetarian (or rather pescetarian) meal plan, even though they tried to convince me to at least eat chicken, to what I started to cry and said that I will eat or do anything, but I won't eat chicken. I haven't had any meat for about 4 years now.

I am in the same room with 2 other girls. It is really quiet here. We heard some yelling from another department, but other than that it is soooo quiet. People don't really talk to each other even in my department. There is 7 of us altogether.

What else... I am not allowed to go out during my first week here, even though I would love that. I would like to go to the store to try different chocolates and foods. To buy ice cream. I want to try different ice creams.

It is a bit triggering that everyone are so thin. Thinner than I am. And it somehow makes my eating disorder angry, it almost shows me that "I am not good enough in anorexia".

My brain is so fucked up. I feel strange. I feel as if I am watching my life from the side. It is weird to think that I will be here at least 3 weeks. Probably even longer, but I am more than ready to get myself discharged in three weeks.

Three weeks is fairly long time, habits usually stuck in 3 weeks. Maybe by then my situation has somehow settled down and maybe by then I can do it on my own, maybe I would be ready to continue this at home.

I am thinking of writing down everything I have to eat here. Maybe it would be interesting.

Snack at 11 am: half of chocolate

Lunch at 13:00: savoury porridge, strawberry yoghurt, apple and orange juice.

Snack at 15:00: vanilla curd cream

Dinner at 17:00: cabbage soup, one slice of bread, an apple.

Snack at 19:30: banana yoghurt with nuts and dried fruit.

Today has been long. And I don't really have anything to do, I am quite bored. Can't go outside. There are visiting times but I don't really have anyone in this town. At least I managed to talk to my mum and she promised to come over on Saturday and if necessary, go to the stores for me. At least that's something. I will be more than done with the snacks they offer here I think. I just... want to pick things on my own! And I didn't know to do this before coming here.

Also, every time after a meal, we have resting regimen, meaning we have to lay in bed for an hour. And toilet doors are locked during that time. And also every time after a meal there is meeting where everyone have to tell how they felt during the meal and how they are feeling currently. It was interesting and helpful, but a bit weird. At least other people have the same problems, so there is a lot of understanding.

Is there anything you would be interested I talked about? Please leave me some feedback.