Did some scrapbooking at the hospital and others really liked it.

Wednesday

Breakfast 8:30 - millet porridge, cup of coffee, cup of milk, bread with egg and butter, white bread with cheese and tomato, an apple. (I felt so full and I had no apetite at all.)

Snack 11:00 - half of Geisha chocolate, cup of tea. (It is weird when you are just forced to eat chocolate. Made some tea on the side, it was good. And it was nice to tip chocolate into it.)

Lunch 13:00 - rice with vegetables, cup of kefir, tomato and cucumber salad, one slice of bread, one slice of toast, strawberry-berry compor. (I was too full again, I also had to drink some water as I was unable to get the bread down. Rice was really good.)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla ice cream, 3 chocolate candies. (I had to eat the candies really fast, because others were already finished, which did not let me enjoy my snack and it was in my mind for a long time. I felt like wasting calories. Ice cream was good though, but it is weird to eat so many sweet things in a day...)

Dinner 17:00 - vegetable and cabbage soup, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and cheese, banana. (I did not feel hungry at all. For real, all we do here is eat. I want the first weigh in to be over already so I know how much I gained and can freely freak out.)

Snack 19:30 - rhubarb-strawberry yoghurt, handful of dried fruits and nuts. (Finally, today is done. It came with a crying fit after dinner, a lot of guilt and loneliness. I don't want to be here. Everything is too much and I just want out. Everything is too suddenly. It is only the third day, but it is killing me.)

Thursday

Thursday morning I was weighed again and my new number was 37.5 kg, which means that only in 3 days, I have gained 1.3 kg. This is definitely too much. There is so many thoughts and panic in my head. Even the doctor mentioned that few kgs in a week is too much and now this already within 3 days? I got to talk to my doctor and tried to ask how much of a weight gain would be normal. But I did not get an answer. They told me that if something is wrong, they will change it, but currently they will let it go as it has been. What's more, I was told that they will probably keep me here until Christmas. Which is such a long time. I don't know how my workplace will take it etc...

They won't do the brain scan again as it was done in Tallinn already when I was at the hospital there and in 6 months the results don't reallty change, so that is good. My bloodwork was okay, some vitamins were a bit lower than recommended so they prescribed that.

Breakfast 8:30 - oatmeal with apricot jam, butter and egg on toast, butter and cheese with cucumber on bread, glass of tomato juice which I managed to change into apple-orange juice, cup of coffee with milk. (It was very difficult to eat this, as I was feeling really bad due to the weight gain. Stomach was too full again. I managed to cry during a meeting where we talk about our emotions. I also have a slight headache and I didn't sleep too good. Maybe I will ask for a painkiller, maybe it will numb the pain in my thoughts as well. I don't know, I don't know what to do and I canõt get these bad feelings out.)

Snack 11:00 - Tupla chocolate, cup of tea. (To be fair, I love chocolate. Especially Tupla. And I love eating it. But at the moment I am so... angry at myself and at my weight that I don't want it and it makes the whole process really uncomfortavle. Especially because there is a small break and then it is lunch time already, which is always the most food.)

Lunch 13:00 - potatoes with vegetables, one slice of bread, one slice of toast, cup of kefir, cocoa and orange. (I don't understand it, people do not normally have two huge slices of bread with every single meal. But we have to do this here. It is dry and it sucks. For example I want a pastry for my next snack, but if I am already eating that much bread... I cannot. Stomach is so full again and I am feeling awfully anxious. I have waves of anxiety going over me, it means I will get really hot suddenly and then really cold and it keeps switching and spreading all over my body.)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla curd cream. (I am feeling so full that it was difficult to swallow. I just had a longer chat with my doctor prior to this, so I made it into the kitchen a little late and did not manage to make myself a cup of tea ant more. Even though I would have liked one. And now there is 2 hours and already dinner.)

Dinner 17:00 - huge, I mean really huge, portion of pasta with vegetables, tomato and cucumber salad, bread with cheese and butter, toast with cheese and butter, an apple. (Others had soup, which I would have liked, but whatever. Today there were two proper meals. A bit scary, as I was not hungry and haven't felt hungry in here ever.)

Snack 19:30 - vanilla ice cream, 3 chocolate candies. (Okay, this was horrible. Wrong choice. I wanted ice cream, but it was too little, so I had to take some candies as well. I took 2 different ones. And then again I had to have them really fast so I didn't enjoy it at all. And ice cream wasn't as good as I hoped, too. In general there were so many guilty feelings from today. Especially from the candies. I feel bad for my decisions. I feel really stupid. From the weigh-in in the morning, too. I want it to be Monday already, so I would know how much I have gained and I hope it is a bit less than 1.3 kgs. I know I need to gain weight, but I don't want it to come so rapidly...)