My mum drove me to the hospital in Tartu. To mental ward. Before that we went to a store where I got myself connecting the dots book, sudoku and crosswords and some chocolates.

I arrived at the hospital and at first had to talk to some doctor and then to a nurse. I had to tell my whole life story in one go. From the beginning of my eating disorder to describing how my usual day looks like food-wise. And I had to talk about my childhood. And the second time I told my life story was when I met my psychiatrist here.

Then it was 11 am and it was snack time. Snack has to be something sweet. I had to eat 50 grams (hald of a bar) of chocolate. I picked Mesikäpp, which is new and I have been wanting to try it. Dark chocolate with crunchy caramel pieces. I felt really guilty because on the weekend we celebrated my mum's bday and I ate too much.

At 1 o'clock it is lunch time so we shall see how it goes. I managed to get myself on vegetarian (or rather pescetarian) meal plan, even though they tried to convince me to at least eat chicken, to what I started to cry and said that I will eat or do anything, but I won't eat chicken. I haven't had any meat for about 4 years now.

I am in the same room with 2 other girls. It is really quiet here. We heard some yelling from another department, but other than that it is soooo quiet. People don't really talk to each other even in my department. There is 7 of us altogether.

What else... I am not allowed to go out during my first week here, even though I would love that. I would like to go to the store to try different chocolates and foods. To buy ice cream. I want to try different ice creams.

It is a bit triggering that everyone are so thin. Thinner than I am. And it somehow makes my eating disorder angry, it almost shows me that "I am not good enough in anorexia".

My brain is so fucked up. I feel strange. I feel as if I am watching my life from the side. It is weird to think that I will be here at least 3 weeks. Probably even longer, but I am more than ready to get myself discharged in three weeks.

Three weeks is fairly long time, habits usually stuck in 3 weeks. Maybe by then my situation has somehow settled down and maybe by then I can do it on my own, maybe I would be ready to continue this at home.

I am thinking of writing down everything I have to eat here. Maybe it would be interesting.

Snack at 11 am: half of chocolate

Lunch at 13:00: savoury porridge, strawberry yoghurt, apple and orange juice.

Snack at 15:00: vanilla curd cream

Dinner at 17:00: cabbage soup, one slice of bread, an apple.

Snack at 19:30: banana yoghurt with nuts and dried fruit.

Today has been long. And I don't really have anything to do, I am quite bored. Can't go outside. There are visiting times but I don't really have anyone in this town. At least I managed to talk to my mum and she promised to come over on Saturday and if necessary, go to the stores for me. At least that's something. I will be more than done with the snacks they offer here I think. I just... want to pick things on my own! And I didn't know to do this before coming here.

Also, every time after a meal, we have resting regimen, meaning we have to lay in bed for an hour. And toilet doors are locked during that time. And also every time after a meal there is meeting where everyone have to tell how they felt during the meal and how they are feeling currently. It was interesting and helpful, but a bit weird. At least other people have the same problems, so there is a lot of understanding.

Is there anything you would be interested I talked about? Please leave me some feedback.