I Won't Quote

My psychologist told me that I should make a schedule for my day, using about 30 minute long blocks. Due to some days being really slow and boring. Anyway, I thought I will make a post about this to show what my "regular" or "normal" day at the mental hospital looked like.

I picked just a random Thursday (which list I actually made and wrote down to my bullet journal). Also it is the day where I did not get ECT , as this is done under general anaesthesia and you are not supposed to eat or drink anything beforehand and for us, it was usuallt between 9 and 11.


Example of my activities.

07:00 - 08:00 waking up, brushing my teeth and getting dressed, washing my face and making my bed
08:00 - 08:30 breakfast and medicine
09:00 - 09:15 smoking break, or for me, walking around in the yard
09:20 - 10:00 filling my bullet journal and reading "Self-compassion", a book my psychiatrist lent me
10:00 - 10:30 coffee (I had to have decaf) time and youtube or just social media time
10:30 - 11:00 colourin book
11:00 - 11:30 just internet time, looking for jobs (I have to say there were lot of times where I just didn't do anything and even played Candy Crush)
11:30 - 12:00 listening to the music
12:00 - 12:30 lunch
12:30 - 13:15 reading "The Nightmare" by Lars Kepler (criminal book)
13:15 - 13:30 walk-break
13:30 - 14:00 reading "Anorexia Workbook", borrowed by my psychologist
14:00 - 14:30 looking for some fun ideas on pinterest
14:30 - 16:00 art therapy
16:00 - 16:30 drawing something by myself, working on bullet journal
16:30 - 17:00 dinner
17:00 - 18:30 sister visits, we go for a little walk outside and store
18:30 - 19:00 shower
19:00 - 19:45 drinking tea, talking to others, fill my tea-journa
19:45 - 20:00 snack time (it is a bit sad that I have added "at least try to communicate others here)
20:00 - 20:30 daily recap for myself
20:30 - 21:00 getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth
21:00 medication time and going to sleep after that

As you are able to see here... it was rather difficult to come up with stuff sometimes. Still I did feel very safe and good there. Everything was just flowing in it's own rhythm, no sudden changes or unplanned events.

Thursday was also the day where doctors visited their patients with their personal nurses. It was time to get feedback from them, it was time to complain to them.

On other days we had a little more to do, for example we did something similar to guided meditation (relaxing exercises with breathing technics) and listening to the music together. Sometimes there were also small concerts or such (I never attended those). But yeah, you can see they did try to make some events for us.

Why last 3 weeks were especially difficult for me, was because they cut my right to go out during breaks or even with other people, because I was not gaining enough weight.

• What have you lost to anorexia/bulimia that most saddens you? - I haven't tried new foods, new restaurants; I haven't taken "all" from hanging out with friends, because ED thoughts are so strong and make me worry. I have missed out on my own life, missed making memories.
• Do you think it is fair that anorexic/bulimic lifestyles make people so lonely, friendless and isolated? - If course it is not fair, but yes, I agree it makes people lonely, friendless and isolated. I can barely handle my own company, not to mention having people deal with me - this worries me daily.
• In what ways has anorexia/bulimia affected your relationship with yourself by telling yourself that you are not worthy? - The thing is that I feel like I am on control when I lose weight. I feel like "ha, see that? I am so strong, I did that, I dropped some more weight". And failing in doing so I feel bad and not worthy. This is seriously fucked up?!
• Who in your life have you lost because anorexic/bulimic rules demand so much of your time? Do you think this is fair? - I wouldn't say I have permanently lost someone. Well, maybe one of my best friends, but her goodbye to me dealt with other stuff as well, for example me being too depressed. Also, according to her, we "grew apart" so she didn't put it on my ED, though considering the last time we saw each other, it may have played a part.
• If anorexia/bulimia is your “friend” then why does it talk so badly about you? - It is not a friend, it is... as weird as it sounds, kind of like a hobby?
• Would a good friend do this to you? - I feel like.... okay, this is going to sound super weird, but like she is taking care of me, saying "but if you lose some weight or donõt eat, later you can have all the cake, ALL the candy, so that is worth it, right?" The thing is, this "later" never comes.
• How is it that anorexia/bulimia tricks people with promises of safety while it silently takes them away from everyone who loves and supports them? - It is literally the aspect of control. You think you are in control and having control is powerful feeling. Actually it is the other way around - you are being controlled.
• At which time of the day are you most anorexic/bulimic free? - In the evening. You restrict all day (even though in my case I do eat three times a day) or do not eat that much, so in the evening you are finally "allowed" food.
• How were you able to find this freedom? - By restricting throughout the day. Or working out, or even just walking. Having super low calorie meals.
• When you string together your victorious moments away from anorexia/bulimia, what effect does it have on the anorexia/bulimia? - It gets stronger. Leaving hospital has made my ED so much more worse, as I did gain a little weight. I feel bad, as if ED is a parent and I am a kid that did something wrong.
• What rules of anorexia/bulimia did you eventually have to break in order get your life back? - Eat more. Eat proper meals. Not freak out about eating out. Enjoying life. Saying yes when someone offers you something.

Something that really helped me was drawing and art. It became a huge part of my days, even though I am not super good at it and these pictures are made rushed and without much thought. It helped me to pass the time.

I got a set of small papers from art therapist, pencil, eraser and pencil sharpner. I myself had colourful pens and I decided to use the red - I created red period in my own art.

Meaning (almost) on every picture there is something red: the ones withput have a different story to them. So okay, let me tell you about these pictures.

I would like to get some feedback as well, but it seems that no one is interested in commenting and to be honest I am not surprised. It is a weird topic and even getting anyone to read it, surprises me.



This is my favourite picture, because this shows exactly how I felt at the hospital in the beginning. A big shadow, some presence. It was my eating disorder, not depression I think. The thing is that my body is so malnourished and does not have enough strength to function and ged rid of depression. My body's BMI is too low. I weighted 43 kg when I got to the hospital (I am 170 cm tall), so the BMI was 14,84. Anorexics are considered people from 17,5, which would mean I have to have body mass of 50 kg. Only then psychotherapy would help me. That is also why they didn't start with ECT right away. I needed to live a little better. Yep, they even considered sending me to intensive care unit.



Here I think I wanted to show how a number has completely taken over my life. Because even right now I do not want to change. It is like measuring tape around my head and I can't get rid o it. Or... I don't want to get rid of it? I have, by now, lived like this for years and I don't have any strength to get rid of it. To fight with myself.

Oh yeah it would be so nice to eat like a whole 100g chocolate per day. Be happy for every extra bite. Drink nutri-drinks. I think I could do it. Not care. But I am scared. I am scared of the change, because I only know myself as I am right now. This post does not make any sense any more, but I am just writing down whatever comes to my mind now.



The story behind this picture is eather pretty. It shows how I want to help others. I wanted to help others whe whole time I was at the hospital. I wanted to make others feel better. I felt stronger when someone else was sadder. I was a shoulder to cry on. I was watering pot, when someone needed strength to bloom.



This shows accidentally what I was (am?). At the hospital I was often given an extra apple or banana, thus the picture was born after lunch one day.

In Norwegian, the apple’s core is called “epleskrott”. “Skrott” also translates “carcass”, but Norwegians usually uses the term for a body that is still alive but very tired from exceeding strains and hardships that should be utterly destroying the human body and mind and soul - one friendly soul wrote this to me on Twitter as a response.



I wanted to make something colourful for a change, but at the same time to express that I was lost. Still am though.



Sleep helped me feel better. Finally, for the first time in a year I managed to rest fully. Sleep was my cure. My rest.



My mum said that my eating disorder is like a demon on my shoulder. I translated it into picture like this. She was happy over it. Me too, to be honest.



I felt as if I was the most wasteful person. I wasted space, overall. The second day at the hospital... I kept crying. I felt like everyone else had it worse, they suffered more, they were in worse situation and I thought I did not belong there.

I have to say that all the people I cried for, meant very much to me at the end. I am glad we are already planning some meetups. Finally we can share our hardships between us, because we know what we have gone through.



Oh how I wish I could just put my brain into washing machine, wash out the stupid ideas and keep living. Oh how I wish.

Anyway, here are some pictures from after the red period:



These gentleman with cat-hair and dog-hair found their way to my doctor's wall, as she said she collects stuff like this when she was visiting me in my room and spotted the picture on the window.

After this it was easy to give one more thing away:



This travelled home with one of the guardians who always looked through my pictures when she was checking the rooms. She always gave me reviews, honest reviews. As an exchange, she brought me a small statue of an angel that is now taking care of me. :)

I will write about works I made in art therapy as well as some other pictures that were reviewed by the mentioned guardian. If anyone is interested.

It is actually easier and nicer to write stuff down between the pictures. Even when my writing and picture do not have any connection. Somehow they are mine and show my feelings better than words. Somehow they are enqually important as stuff that I write down. And they remind me of people, situations, feelings.

Anyway, talk to you soon. Maybe I will post more pictures, maybe not. Maybe I will write about my eating disorder behaviours and triggers. Maybe I don't.

For example today at home I got super intense panic attack. It was the same feeling I got right when I woke up from anesthesia, except that I just woke up from normal sleep. Just for a moment I did not understand anything, colours were supert intense and nothing made suddenly sense. Thoughts did not move as they were supposed to, I did not understand my emotions, I didn't know if there was any basis for my thoughts and I just did not know what to do to feel normal again.

Well  I do not remember making this picture at all, but this was indeed made by me and art therapy teacher packed it to take with me at home. I am sure that at one point I will actually make a post about all the art pieces I created at the hostpital. The art therapy classes were highlights of the days and made me not go totally mad.

I have been at home for less than 24 hours when writing this. I don't understand my feelings, emotions. Because... it is so difficult. Very difficult. I was away for two months and one week; next week will also stil be "away", because I need to see several doctors and run some errands. Need to see my psychiatrist. Have him weigh me.

My weight.... currently the agreement is that my sister will weigh me on Mondays and in case I lose weight, I need to add some amount of calories (like nutridrink/smoothie/peanuts etc). If third and fourth week are still going downhill, she has the right to contact my doctor who will assign me a place in Tartu, at eating disorder facility. We would like to avoid this, thank you very much.

I was saved from it by my last weight in at the hospital. They let me go home, I am still unsure it is right place for me here currently but we will see. I feel very empty inside and I feel like I am not ready to take all this control. At the hospital it felt safer and more comfortable. Everything was at one place, I had to just follow the daily plan; I got to ask for sedatives if I got too upset and so on. Even though they did prescribe it for me to take at home as well, in addition to something that aids with sleep and another thing that is just general "mood-booster".

I guess on Thursday when I see the doctor, it will become clear if I will get more ECT treatment done. Some patients do it like this - go every month to get their brains electricuted.

It did seem to help me. I mean, I have more emotions; I don't feel as empty as I used to. And I also feel a bit lighter in my head. I have had thoughts about actually wanting to do something and maybe life is worth more than just existing from one food time to other. Also, I even am ok with communicating with others. This is new. Maybe I will get to know more new people soon, who knows?

With our group at the hospital we want to meet up soon. We shall see when and if it will work out. Would be nice - we have all gone through the ame thing and we can complain to each other well, and maybe even find happy things to cheer on together.

We will see how things will go. What's next. I wish I could say that I have seen the bottom of this depression and eating disorder and will now climb through everything, but the truth is that it is not exaclty like that. Not at all. I am much less confident than I would like to. And I do not want progress with my eating disorder. I mean, I think I want to get better, but this "want" is not strong enough. Not as strong as it should.

I don't want to gain weight, even when it is for my health. I don't want to walk less. I don't want to not work out. I don't want to. So many contradicting emotions in my head.

What I want is to thank you. You who still handle me, take care of me, and let me rant to you.