I Won't Quote

My mini goals was to be more flexible with picking dinners, eat a dessert after lunch and not check calories on items when I am having a snack.

Monday

It was really difficult, as my weight had gone up and these moments hurt me a lot. I felt really bloated and uncomfortable.

I already thought that I won't be having dessert after all, because my snacks have become bigger anyway, but I still did it. We have a new coworker and he brought everyone cake pops. It was my first time trying one. I thought that this is a new thing and I really want to try it. I don't want to be the person who always opts out.

And for lunch snack I had creme brule flavourited cottage cheese. I KNOW it has more calories than my regular snacks, but I managed to get over myself and not look the calories up. To be exact. In the morning I also had Eat Natural bar, but on that I checked the calories as well - I just couldn't not to. But yeah, at least with one snack (and also with dessert) I managed.

Tomorrow is my coworker's birthday and he said that during the morning meeting he will bring us some food. Getting this information made me really anxious already, but I try and take it as it comes. I'll just have this as a dessert. Good thing. I am not going to skip it like past me would!

Tuesday

So today was my coworker's birthday and he brought us savoury carrot pie and apple-raisin pie. I had several pieces of them both! Savoury and sweet. In addition to this I had a proper lunch and then also ate a full tub of curd cream, flavoured with cinnamon and cranberries. And I didn't check the calories on it! It was difficult, but I had gotten used to this idea. I don't know about tomorrow, but I am trying to keep this dessert habit up.

Wednesday

Today was really difficult. I had my morning snack and then I already thought about what to have as a dessert. And then my coworker brought kringels, because it is going to be his last day tomorrow. And then I thought about having something smaller as a dessert and a piece of sweet pastry later, as a snack, but I did the opposite and had the pastry as a dessert. :D How many times can I say dessert in this post?! Anyway, I didn't know it's calories as well. It was with orange cream and it was really good!

Anyway yeah, this was a lot more difficult than on the previous day, because it was a huge surprise. Also I had bigger meal as a lunch than I usually do, so in my head, my eating disorder voice banged pots and pans together and yelled that I shouldn't do it. I don't know, I thought that when I have done something for 2 days already, it becomes easier (like with the bigger snacks. At first it felt it was "too much" but some days later it was normal already), but it hasn't happened so far. Today is the third day only though. I will try and keep it up tomorrow and on Friday, because well, I made a promise to myself.

Yesterday I also had my psychologist appointment and according to weigh in at the hospital I have only gained 100 grams in a month. So this is quite little and they want to see more progress. I don't know, my scale at home shows different things. :D Anyway, yeah. My psychologist wasn't too happy, but at the same time she didn't have much bad things to say, as I brought out a lot of positives and stuff I am really excited about and I also talked about how I can see myself being in the better place than I was at the beginning of the year. I think I mentioned I read over my old posts and I couldn't believe how negative and annoying I was? Anyway yes, with this Signe, the difference is real.

Oeh, I don't know what came over me, but I had some chocolate pudding and then I took a piece of cheese kringel, that my coworker also brought. My stomach was really full and I felt nauseous, but I don't know if I just imagined it? This disgusting feeling of it being a binge and a fear that maybe I will become a bulimic. Disgusting!

Thursday

By today morning I had calmed down a little, but I still had some extreme guilt. Especially considering that last night I didn't miss my fruits or dinner. And this morning I made fear food porridge, meaning I added chai spice with a lot of calories into my porridge. It was good, but really difficult, I keep thinking if it was a right decision. In general I have a lot of thoughts about was it the right thing. And that maybe I should have picked something else.

I hope I will do well with my dessert and lunch. There are some pastries left from yesterday, and I already decided having them again. So today I am at least ready for them... but I don't know, I just feel really weird since yesterday.

Anyhow, I managed to get over my fear and in addition to snacks I had some more of the sweet kringel. It was really good, I kind of want more. But at the same time I know I will have proper dinner and I am full. So here I have this dilemma of "am I hungry" or do I just crave it. Of course I would like to honor my cravings, but at the same time I also know I would feel physically really uncomfortable, if I did. I can't stop the thoughts. Annoying. So yeah, in general having a dessert today was easier, but I think it was thanks to being prepared. Not knowing what is to come, I wouldn't have been able to do it...

Friday

Today I am determined to eat the dessert after lunch, even though my weight had gone up by 900 grams. I just don't understannnnd. I should probably calculate the weekly average, but I don't want to do that so I am just stressed instead. But I am trying to get over it. Feel shit, but do it anyway. Today I have a plan and I feel quite okay - I have made the decision in my head.

What else... I have been doing quite well with not checking the calories. In many cases, it has been impossible to calculate them. And today I got some yoghurt dessert with toffee and caramel and... I don't remember how many calories it has! :D Like, for the first time I am forgetting this thing! :D Seems like fighting with myself for a week has proven to be useful. I just need to not check the calories when I am about to have it. But maybe I can do this!

And today is finally Friday. This week has been ESPECIALLY tiring. I haven't had a day where I have just gone home after work and done nothing. I kind of need a day like this. But at the same time I really like doing things and being social - I have seen so many friends. My November goal also was to do more things with people, in order to discover what I like and kind of get the focus to shift from food and depression. I have been doing well.

Also I FINALLY decided I will do the secret challenge thingy next week. I will start on Monday and write about it on Friday. :D At the moment I don't have any more short-term goals... I guess I will just keep it up with having desserts and not checking the calories. I won't set any more new goals at the moment.

I get to move to my own flat in 8 days... somehow it feels longer than a month. :D It is getting closer, but it still seems sooo far. I ordered a bunch of things that are starting to arrive soon. Can't wait. :D On the weekend I hope I can pop by some furniture store and check out some more sofas. I need to make a decision, because my parents are coming soon and this is the only chance to get the furniture. But I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I went to the stores with them. So weird - my OWN home and I can pick stuff that I like. Seems so unreal. :D That this is it now. It is not temporary. It is final. Or at least at the moment I am thinking that it will last for quite some time. Aah, how exciting!

My good friend sent me some coffee from UK (read: a lot of coffee) and they are all flavoured. It is Beanies Coffee and I really recommend trying them out. :D Me and my friend already agreed that once I run out, we will make an order and share the shipping cost. I would like to resell it in Estonia, it is SO GOOD and more people need to know about it.

I got to know about these coffees thanks to one youtuber who shared it on her videos and on instagram. She said tje Jaffa Cake one was especially good. And I really wanted to try this and maybe one more. But I got SEVEN different ones.

I will start trying them and see, which ones are the best.

Jaffa Cake

This is really nice, smooth and a bit chocolatey/fruity. It doesn't have the distinct instant coffee clavour at all! I could have it withot milk, though I usually do add it. I don't use sugar, and this doesn't need it at all. Milk makes it extra smooth (my favourite is still Alpro for professionals almond milk) and it kind of reminds me of dessert. :D I made some oatmeal with cocoa and this combo was really good. 8.5/10!

Christmas Pudding

As I have never had Christmas Pudding, I have no idea what it is supposed to be like. I read that it has prunes in it, and I think this is what I am tasting indeed. 6.5/10, it is not my favourite, but it is not disgusting at all. :D It is interesting. A bit Christmassy, even though strange. Kind of... sour-ish.

Hot Cross Bun

About this I also didn't know what to expect. Google told me that it is usually eaten during Easter. I dunno, be it what it is, I liked it. :D Not as good as Jaffa Cake one, but still decent. I think I would give it 8/10. Recommend to try it, if you ever have a chance. :D

Birthday Cake

It smelled like cookies, or maybe a little like cake. I don't know if it is affecting me that I am having several flavours in a day, but this was kind of similar to the previous one. I still think the Hot Cross Bun one was better though, so this gets 7/10. I also don't know what birthday cake is supposed to taste like, it seems like an American thing. :D Anyway, yeah, pretty good. I will ignore the fact that this is my fourth cup today...

Toffee Apple

Oh my god, this is amazing! I thought from the name that it will be good and it really was. At the same time I thought this will be my ultimate favourite, but something else won. But this is 8,5/10 for sure! :D Also I think that I could only taste toffee when I read the name, but you actually do get some apple. Really really good.

Turkish Delight

This was a disappointment! :D I liked it the least. Also, I love Turkish delight in general. But for this, I would only give 5/10. :D I think I will drink it in the end, who would waste this kind of stuff. But yeah... if you would like to try it, then in 2 weeks I have my own home and you can come and have coffee with me!

Toasted marshmallow

This won! 9,5/10. :D In general, I am not a fan of marshmallows, but this was soooo goood. This and Jaffa Cake I like the most. But I am already thinking I want to try all the different flavours already XD. Actually the last three I wrote down here I tried on the same day and maybe this is kind of affecting my raitings. Especially about Turkish Delight. Because I have had sooo much coffee already.

Anyway yeah, I should order some more. :D I am so glad I have full jars of them, not just one tiny sleeve, like I had gingerbread one in. :D All the different coffees that they have are here. Which ones would you like to try?

My own general challenge about having bigger snacks has gone really well. I have really stuck to it. On some occasions I have thought that ah, I wasn't at the office (I went to see the dentist) or we had a meeting and now I can skip this, but I have stopped myself and have had all the food and snacks. Big accomplishment. On the weekend, we didn't go to our parents' place in the end, because corona and travelling and all that. Also some of my sister's coworkers have corona and we wanted to be safe. If everything is okay, we are planning to go next weekend instead.

I am trying not to stress and take everything as it comes. I don't like this sudden change in plans, but I can't help it. Maybe it is good that it went like this. I had to program myself a little and just keep living. Also in general my routine recently is really different, but... I am not as stressed about it as I expected. For example on Tuesday I planned to go to the gym, but my friend asked if I wanted to watch some series (we started Living with Yourself) and to my own surprise, I didn't make a huge deal out of it and agreed.

Currently they haven't closed gyms in Estonia yet, as there are not cases that stem from gyms. I will try to keep going to the gym. Yoga is somehow really close to me nowdays, some days I only go through with the idea of "I can go to yoga later" in my mind.

I am still waiting to get my flat... a little less than two weeks to go. It feels so unreal that sometimes I forget I have a flat. :D I have already set up at time for technician to come and connect me to the internet, so I can move pretty soon after getting the keys. :D Internet is vital in today's world...

I want to get a TV by that time too, but I guess it will be more towards the end of the week (the technician is coming on Monday). I feel like once I have a TV, I will make up for all these years I didn't have it. :D

Me and my friend finished Living with Yourself, by the way (I am writing this post over several days) and it was really good, I highly recommend it. Now we need to find another series to watch. :d Me and my sister are still watching Brooklyn 99, after that I want to see Community again and then also Modern Family. I also started watching Lucifer, but I am only three episodes in currently. I don't know why, but I don't feel like watching stuff alone.

On the weekend I went to Commune Cafe for the second time and tried their English breakfast, it had beyond meat sausage. And it was amaziiing. It was difficult to eat out, especially because my weight has gone up by A LOT, but I did it! And of course I had all my snacks and other meals too.

Also, for the longest of time I avoided those Eat Natural bars, but I finally tried them and they are suuuuppper good!

But now it is Monday and I can start doing my new small challenges. It is kind of fun, I have been looking forward to ir, but I am also a bit scared. I thought that maybe it is too difficult to go to the store every day, so I am writing down several options to my bullet journal. I usually have a list about 10 different things and I can check them when I don't have any ideas. It is quite convenient. I also write down snack ideas a lot, even though recently it is just fruit. Sometimes I have as much fruit as there are calories in all the foods combined I have had on the day. But what can I do, I just crave it!

When I finally move, I can be a bit more flexible and try more different things. My sister doesn't want ice cream when it is cold outside, but I would love some. And I don't like having different stuff from her. xD When I live alone, I won't have this comparison moment I hate. And I think I will be fine.

I ordered/bought some things for the flat and should get them soon. I also feel like purchasing dishes and cutley and a kettle and all this stuff. Other people tell me to wait until I move. :D I guess both kind of make sense - I have to carry the stuff to the new place. But I want to be READY and have the things READY for when I have the keys. I just cannot wait any more. :D I think you understand.

With having desserts, I have a little block in my mind. Just even when thinking about it. It is because my weight has really gone up now. But we shall see, maybe I can manage. I set it as a goal and I should follow through.

Tomorrow I have my psychologist appointment, where I will be weighed too. At least she can be happy, even though I find it really difficult to accept. If a few days passed now, I would feel better, but at the moment I feel like "oh god I am too afraid to have ANYTHING". And I try to be over this feeling.

On some occasions I don't even think about it. Like yesterday I went bouldering again after 2 YEARS and I discovered I am so weak. I guess eating more and gaining weight would be really beneficial to me. Today my hands are so sore, I had forgotten this feeling. :D Actually a really nice person left me a comment and said I could do push up challenge, and... today is Monday and a good day to start it. Even though I don't know how my sore muscles let me do it today. :D But I think I will try. I think I will start with ten and then add one every single day. I used to be able to do push ups EASY. With these kind of challenges though, I can see my progress and I love it. Exactly like it was with the stretching challenge. But yeah, I shall see how long I will do it. I wish to keep doing it for forever, but I think at one point I have to stop adding them. :D Like, I don't think I can do 100 per day?! :D

I also thought about starting my secret challenge, a week ling one, but I decided to not to do it right now. Some things changed. But at one point I will tackle it, it is a promise. :D

At least I have my own baked bread to eat now. I made some to take to my parents', but as we ended up now going, I can have it myself. It came out really good and I added a TON of sunflower seeds.

Ohoh, I have really been writing for a long time this time. :D Anyway yes, I kind of feel like a loooot of things have happened and I need to cover it all.

But this week's clannges are: not checking the calories, having desserts and being more spontaneous about deciding on meals. We shall see how it goes. This spontaneous thing is really difficult, as I don't want to go to the store every day due to corona and all that. But at least I went out to eat! This was also one other kind of fear to overcome - somewhy eating dinner out is fine, but not lunch. I don't even know why. I think it goes way back to the deeps of my eating disorder where I skipped lunches usually. So lunches are the most challenging for me.

Anyway, do you have any challenges for this week? Even if it is just maybe "have more water"?

Also, today morning I made this Toffee Apple coffee and had gingerbread flavoured porridge. I want Christmas and snow and light and warmth!

One of the most difficult things for me is making decisions regarding food. Starting from the snacks and ending with the main meals. Not to mention eating out. It is especially difficult if something changes that I have planned ahead. But at the same time when I have made a decision, I finally feel at ease and I can like breathe freely. And get rid of the anxciety. Sometimes it is like this however - I make a decision and I am not happy with it, meaning it is in my mind constantly and it makes me really annoyed. And then at one point I realise that... it doesn't matter and I can change my mind. This knowledge is freeing. But these thoughts are in general very irritating.

Wear your masks guys.

Here I can tell about the story of today. I got this curd cream dessert that I planned to have as a snack. And then it started really bothering me, because I wanted something else instead. And then I was just constantly worried about what will I go today. Finally I decided that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that I bought it, it can stay in the fridge for some time and I CAN pick something else, my hands are free, I am not married to this decision. And then I could finally calm down. But at the same time I still got an odd thought about "maybe I should have stuck to my plan". I don't think anyone else plans and regulates meals or snacks like me. Probably no one even thinks about snacking.

So I have been thinking if all kinds of food plans are useful at all or are they instead too restrictive? I think I can understand both sides here. At the beginning it is necessary to have a plan, structure to follow. But when is it the right time to let go of it? And be intuitive. I don't know, if I am intuitive enough. :D Also with intuitive eating it is like... if I can pick between salad and a burger, which should I go for? I mean, I am hungry, I need energy and nutrition and I should pick a salad, but what if I crave a burger? One thing is being intuitive and eating when you are hungry, but how is it with cravings? Do you understand what I am saying?

Here I also think that if I think about food so much, then something is probably wrong - I probably haven't eaten enough? But at the same time I don't feel hungry, my stomach is full. I just keep thinking about the snack time and I am really stressed. As if I don't have anything better to do. But I have been following my hunger a little more. Even if it is not snack time, I have had one. I have given this permission to myself and I have been following it. In general, it is really importand to "allow yourself". When you have made this DECISION, life gets a lot easier.

It is the same with having main meals. Like, I can't imagine not knowing what I have for dinner tomorrow. I need to have a plan, even though I know I am going to the shops and I can change my mind and if I want to, I can have a takeaway instead.

Maybe I should challenge myself with not planning. Going to store every day and deciding on the spot what I feel like? And try not to worry about it in advance?

I have a feeling that it is time to set myself three goals once again and try to follow them during the week. I guess I am not starting them right away, as on the weekend I am going to my parents' place and things are a bit hectic, but I can do these next week.

1. I will decide about the meal on the day when I go to the store. And maybe I do challenge myself even harder and eat our or order in.

2. Have a dessert after lunch. I am setting this goal here because lately, my weight has been the same and I need to push it. I guess the weekend will help too, but it would be good idea to have this rule set. Besides at the hospital we always had a dessert after lunch and I haven't done this at home. Also, who wouldn't want something sweet after a mail meal? I would.

3. I will TRY, emphasis on the word try, pick a snack without checking it's calories. Until now I have always done this in order to be between 200 and 300 calories, but I want to try not worrying about it. Actually I have another challenge I really want to do, which kind of connects to this goal. I will see and maybe complete this next week. I can start on Monday and then make a post about it next Monday. It would definitely be an interesting post to read and write. :D

I think that three goals are enough. Seems good to me! I also want to challenge having someone else cook for me. I mean homecooked meal. At the same time this is difficult to do, as my sister doesn't cook. But well, at my parents' place it will be done, as my mum makes food. It has come to this somehow, whenever we go home, we are like guests. :D I am not complaining about it. I am a bit stressed though, but I am trying to thing logically and face the situations as they come. Lately I have been feeling a little less guilty in general, which is nice. I never thought it would happen, to be honest.

What else... like yesterday I randomly got the urge to eat a slice of cheese and instead of thinking no, I can't have it, I ate a slice of cheese. :D And I was happy.

Actually, about moving away, I am a bit excited to take my first proper steps towards veganism for real. I want to... try vegan cheeses, to be honest. :D I rememeber going to my friend's place and having some as a snack, and it was realllly good. By a company called Sheese and it was with caramellised onion? But anyway, it was really good. Also the vegan cheese they use on pizza at Mega Hea Pizza was pretty decent. A bit strange at the beginning, but I got used to it quite fast. In general I am really excited to try a lot of different foods.

I will definitely make a post in the end of the month, telling about different vegan snacks I have been trying this month. At the moment there aren't too many of them yet, but for some I have plans already and I have bought a few items. Maybe I will also add "accidentally vegan" products, because there are a lot of those. Anyway, in connection with that, I am open to suggestions, please share the good stuff with me.

Actually I am looking forward to my three challenges this week. :D So yeah, exciting. Just need to handle the weekend. :)

Adding this on Friday morning here, because I need to get this out of my head: I had a slight binge episode last night. I am just feeling really guilty now, especially because I know I am going to my parents' and there we are eating a lot more than usual. I understand that this food I had yesterday sits in my stomach still, but it was a mindfuck to see 800 gram rise. Not a good combo...

I still had proper breakfast (oatmeal with strawberries, banana and gingerbread seasoning, yum!) and I am planning to have proper snacks and meals throughout the day, but just... ARGHHHH.

Oh boy, a lot has happened. USA presidential elections, corona is wild in Estonia, countries are going on a lockdown and so on. Can't really keep an eye on the stuff, so many happenings. Kind of scary not knowing what next days bring. But live and see I guess. At the moment it doesn't feel too unreal, like in spring, when I kept thinking I live in some kind of dystopian book.

How have you been keeping up? I know some people sat awake all night to see the election... I wouldn't do it myself, but I guess it would have been interesting with a group of friends. I kept my eye on Twitter, though Trump's sayings were really frustrating haha. :D

But anyway, what has happened to me? I am still waiting for my flat access, 19 days to go! I have seen some sofas, but I would like to see some more, as I haven't found "the one" yet. I just want to have all the things by when my parents are coming to help me move, because how am I supposed to get the sofa to fifth floor by myself (though some stores offer to help with that?). But yeah, a lot to do and get etc... and I need to change my address for my National Geographic order... which brings me to today's challenge:

I have never been big in reading magazines. My mum has one subscription and I have brushed through those when I have been at home, but I am not the one to read gossip magazines in general. I am not interested at all. The one my mum has though, has a lot of recipes and good stories, so this is different. Not about famous people.

But now for the last three months I have been subscribed to Estonian National Geographic. And I need to admit that I haven't really read them. So I thought it is about time to start doing this and maybe learn something new.

Monday

I was waiting for my bread to bake and I thought that okay, it is time to start reading. This month's articles were about coronavirus, and there are a lot of essays about environment, social life etc. Really interesting. I read mostly about what different countries have done to stop the spread.

I really like how NG is written. You can get a lot of knowledge without having to be a specialist. Articles are simple and interesting. Honestly, this hald an hour I had to wait for the bread went by really fast. It was a good change from reading a book too, you don't need to focus as much. You can just read one article at the time and that's that. So good.

In October's magazine there was a really interesting read about trafficking of children. It was really scary, but really opened my eyes. I think that if I finish with the November one, I will turn back to the previous ones and read them as well.

I remember that for the first time I read National Geographic in my high school English class. We had to pick an article and talk about it to other students. And already then I thought it was really interesting. So now when the publisher called me and asked if I wanted to get a subscription, I said yes. I also got a really interesting book for free, that is otherwise really expensive. :)

Every year I have come across the ad where they offer free magazines for two months if your birthday is in May. I have had one about science and another one of history, but National Geographic takes the cake, it is the most interesting.

Tuesday

Today I had so much to do that I didn't read anything at all. I finally went to the cinema to see Tenet and I really recommend it. :D Very confusing film, but it has a lot of scenes filmed in Tallinn and it is so unreal to see. And hearing Estonian! Anyway, all of Estonian people should go and see it at least once. :D I went to see it without knowing much, I just had heard that it was surreal and I had seen the trailer. Anyway yes, it was interesting.

I got home around 10 pm and I just wanted to go to bed right away (I ended up waiting for sleep until like 3 am, ugh), so I didn't have time to read. But I promised myself that I will read double on Wedensday. I am trying to think that this is not a failure, it is just a stumble. I don't want to quit this challenge simply because I fucked up one day. It is like this with everything. Even with an eating disorder - if you fuck up one day you just have to start again. It doesn't mean the challenge is pointless, not at all. You just start again or refocus and keep going.

Wednesday

Instead of pushing all the reading until later in the evening, I continued during my lunch break. At the moment I am reading an essay that talks about young people, around 18-25. About how their hopes and dreams an everything have kind of broken due to corona. A lot of people have just finished schools and it is difficult for them to find a job and start living their own life. Many countries are in a lockdown. Workfield is in crisis, there are a lot of debts and stuff going on.

I got really emotional reading this article and even almsot started to cry. :D But it was nice to read during my break, instead of trying to do work stuff which I usually do while eating.

Thursday

I again kept reading during my lunch break. This article was about economy and it's connection to coronavirus. How this has been really tough to environment and how there are some bad things coming money-wise. Crazy. It is so difficult for so many people, I felt really helpless reading it. But at the same time the article itself was really interesting. I wonder if these kind of essays help to deal with the situation that is about to come? I hope something can be done to ease the situation.

Friday

I again read during my lunch break. Article that I picked this time was really cool. There were mainly photographs by a Belgian artist. It showed the corona story, starting from old people's home to how they use even children's hospital rooms to treat this illness. The pictures were really raw and emotional.

I remember there was an exhibition in Tallinn about world's best press photos a few years ago where me and some of my friends went. It was powerful and interesting. I imagine in a few years these photos end up there as well.

I still ove reading NG, it goes so fast. Like, if I tried to read a book during my lunch break, it would take a lot more time to get into the mood. So yeah, a good challenge. It is kind of sad and tough, but interesting. You can understand better how situation is in different countries.

Today Estonia had a loooot of corona cases (241) and it kind of really threw me off. It is scary. I am not scared about getting sick, but rather making others sick if I happen to have it without symptoms. I really hope it won't happen.

At the moment we don't have to work from home, but they have said several times that it is not prohibited and if we want to, we can work gtom home. My sister has tough time too, there have been some cases at her school.

Saturday and Sunday

I kept reading. Last article that I completed was about how scientists are trying to find the cure and vaccination and how diffiult this whole thing is. Besides usually finding the cures or vaccines it has taken ages. Now they are trying to do it extremely fast.

And the instances where they have said there are possible positive outcomes have not reached far, because there is too little know about the virus. A lot of research has done on small group of people and it is not giving the scientists enough information.

I don't know if this post is about getting back into reading, or about corona. :D A bit of both. But yes, I got into the habit of reading again. I repeat - it is really nice to read something you don't have to focus on too much. And I am sure I am going to read the next numbers properly as well. Currently I haven't seen any boring articles at all. There are some that are "meh", but once I have gotten into them, they are interesting and well written.

For this week I have a food challenge, but I don't know how it will go. It may be a bit too difficult. :D We shall see.

I want  to do some other weekyl challenge, but I don't knowwww. At the moment I don't have any ideas. Or well, I have ideas, but I need to live alone for them. For example I really want to try completely vegan challenge at least for a week, but I can't do it with my sister. Because she doesn't agree with 100% vegan good and I really like cooking for us both. :D It is also easier, as there are usually no leftovers.

I should look up and start writing down some recipes I could do when I live alone. Like... one serving meals. At the same time my new place has a proper fridge and freezer, meaning I can freeze some of the leftovers, if I don't want to have the same thing the next day. Our current fridge is only big enough for one ice cream. :D

Anyway, let's see how it goes.

This week will be a challenge anyway, because it is my dad's birthday on Saturday and we are going to visit our parents with my sister. My dad said that he doesn't let us in if we bring a gift, but we are planning to make him a cookie cake. :D This is his favourite thing in the whole world. At one point it felt like he preferred Napoleon cake, but when we gave him a chance to pick what he likes the most, he voted for cookie cake.

What is the secret of our cookie cake? Cookies, curd cream, jam and it HAS to be topped with mandarines and chocolate. Mmmm, I want some already.

What I have already discovered is that I think I have become a biiiittt more flexible. Like on one evening I had more snacks than my sister. And then I don't follow the meal times so strictly any more. This is baby steps, but I see my progress.

So I guess this post had it all. A challenge and some food talk. I wonder what I am surprising you (and myself) on Friday.

I have a serious problem about hoarding things. Well, not the general stuff. No books, notebooks, just trash or clothes etc. I keep collecting food items.

For example I get really stressed when I don't have food items for the next day in my fridge. Even though I will probably go to store on the particular day, I still feel like I need to be stocked up. And then I buy the struff for several nights, but still go to a store "just in case" on those days and think if I need something else. But at the same time, I can NOT go, still thinking that I should though.

It is the same with all the snacks; I have a drawer FULL of them and every time I go to store, I keep thinking that I want something new and then I just pile up things :S. It really upsets me - why can't I just have the things I already own? Why do I need to buy something ELSE? This is just... I feel like I need to do it and I cannot resist.

I have tried to empty out the drawer, but now I have another 100 things there again. And then I don't even feel like having them, I want something else entirely - like some pastry, muesly, cereal or something like this.

In reality, collecting things is really common with people who have an eating disorder. It is connected to your brain which is constantly thinking that there is not enough food and it needs to be stocked up. So a lot of people with anorexia like to walk around in food stores, to be near food at least.

At least I have moved on from just looking at the items in stores. I actually buy them now and sometimes even have them. :D It used to be that I went to the food store, picked up something, looked at it's ingredients and nutrition info and then put it back and walked away. So there is some progress at least. :D Ugh, writing this down I can see how fucked up it is. And I never related this to an eating disorder in the past.

Hoarding has a lot to do with people who also have an OCD, and it is really common with people suffering from and ED. So to think about it like this, it makes perfect sense. But it is not that EVERY person with an eating disorder collects things. It is just one symptom and may not be relevant to you.

This being prepared thing is also annoying, because I am not flexible at all. For example I cannot decided that oh, today I want to get a takeaway - I have things to make food with so I need to use them. So I cannot be spontaneous. There is a really good article about it here.

With other things I don't feel the need to hoard at least. Sorting out stuff for my future flat, I have been thinking that I am so done with having the things and I wish I could just throw everything away. :D To start fresh! At the moment I have managed to throw many things away, I have kept some REALLY nostalgic stuff though. Like postcards and letters I have gotten - I could never throw them away. People have taken some time in their day and written to me, boughed a postcard and this is sooo sweet and soo important to me.

My sister on the other hand is really opposite. She doesn't care about food items, but collects other kind of stuff. :D I think I used to be more like her. I bought a lot of things, my favourite were books from second hand stores, magazins, clothes, sometimes even make up (even though I do my makeup like maybe once a month :D) and so on. I never had only one thing I collected. I remember in elementary school though I used to collect stickers, but they didn't at least take up much room. :D Put them all into a book and then exchange the good stickers with others. God, this is so nostalgic to think about. :D

But yeah, this hoearding thing is a big topic for me. But I wanted to write this down, maybe it is a wake up for me and if I make the promise to eat all the stuff here, I am more likely to actually do it. I think I will post more on Instagram stories and maybe have some polls, because I can never decide what to have. :D

I also wanted to brush upon the fact that my medication subscription was over and for 5 days I didn't have my meds. I felt really good for the first 3 days, even though I was suddenly really emotional. For no reason I had tears in my eyes or I started giggling at random stuff.

Then came insomnia. I have had some insomnia episodes (I slept MAX 2-3 hours per night) and being in the same kind of situation again was awful. On the next few days I felt as if I was seriously hangover. My hands were shaking, I couldn't focus, my head was spinning, I felt nauseous and my heart was beating a lot... at one point I told my coworker that I feel so shitty I think I need to go home. 

But then I got my meds, I picked them up during my lunch and believe it or not, but 1.5-2 hours after taking them I felt like human again. All the side efects just went away. And I finally felt like living again. Of course I am a bit sad to lose the emotions again, but yeah... I think maybe I will discuss with my doctor if the dose can be slowly lowered? At the moment I am taking a substential amount. And some of the emotions were really... nice.

Anyway, do you collect something? Preparing to the end of the world as I seem to do?

In October I decided to challenge myself with doing something I don't want to or feel like doing every single day. Because enough of the apologies! It was time to deal with my life and do what needs to be done. Besides I hoped, and am still hoping, that this habit will stuck and I will complete stuff I need to do. A lot of the times it is about starting the task. I just don't feel like starting doing something, if it makes sense. :D When you start, though, the task becomes a lot easier.

A lot of the things were connected to buying a flat and I won't go too much into detail about it. Because like, privacy and all that. But anyway, on half of the days I had to call and talk to either my bank or the sales agent etc. I wrote stuff down more precisely for myself, and it was really nice to read things over and see how much I have done. :D At the same time some other things were super small and I don't even know if they are worth mentioning. But I just didn't feeeel like doing them at first. Let's go though my month now...

1. October - contacted the bank regarding yhe loan. I did it at the bus stop while I went to see the fourth flat. :D The one I decided to get was the fifth one I saw.
2. October - called to a sales agent regarding one place and agreed to go and see it on Sunday. It is actually the fifth flat alreadt - one I really liked was bought before I made an offer, but I guess it needed to go like this. I am still keeping my eye on one more, but the kitchen is really small there, so I don't know... but anyway, regarding the one I am going to see, I have high hopes. :D It doesn't have a bath (that was in my list), but I really like the flat and could probably deal with not having a bath.
3. October - I cleaned at home, which was really boring. But I had been putting it off for a while. Because I was just too lazy. :D Anywya, this is really elementary, but I still wanted to write something down for today.
4. October - went to see the flat. And honestly, I think I found the one. I fell in love and keep thinking about it. (Hint: yes, this will be my flat!!!)
5. October - wrote to the sales agent and contacted with the bank. It sounds so unreal! Some last minute things to do and maybe I will have my own home soon!
6. October - went to the dentist. The wire in my braces came off and I couldn't put it back myself. I thought that it would be okay and I can wait until my appointment, but it also broke off so I needed to go and see the dentist after all.
7. October - wrote to the sales agent and said YES!
8. October - still dealt with the flat stuff and was incredibly stressed over it.
9. October - still some talks with the sales agent.
10. October - dealt with the flat stuff. Do you have any idea how much time and effort this takes?!
11. October - STILL dealt with flat stuff.
12. October - paid for another month of gym membership. At one point I thought that maybe I shouldn't because I didn't have any motivation to attend yoga classes, but I know I feel so good after it, so I did it.
13. October - paid the bills. :D I am always one who doesn't want to do it at the start of the month, often it happens mid-month or sometimes even at the end.
14. October - finally finished some annoying work stuff. I had been postponing doing it for like half a year, but now it is finally done. It is really difficult to motivate myself even if the things actually take so little time and effort.
15. October - talked to the bank, agreen on signing the contract and got notary time set. Sent all of this info to sales agent. I cannot believe that I will soon have a home!
16. October - went to yoga class in the morning even though I didn't feel like it. But after it I felt amazing. Also my sister had a friend over and they wanted some cake, so I went to the store to buy them some. :D I like going for walks and I really didn't have anything better to do anyway. :D
17. October - went to a friend's place who saved me and gave me a new bread starter. Mine got mouldy. :( Anyway yes, I was thinking that I don't want to go, because it was awful and rainy, but I still went. And then on the evening me and my sister went to see another flat for her.
18. October - dealt with my health and wrote to my doctor, also saw my psychologist.
19. October - walked to the sales agent about moving and finished two really annoying things at work. It feels so good!
20. October - talked to the sales agent some more and finished another thing at work.
21. October - dealt with flat stuff.
22. October - tried to finish some things at work and was successful.
23. October - my parents came to Tallinn and we went to see several flats for my sister. Unfortunately we didn't find anything we truly liked.
24. October - went to see my flat with my sister and talked to the owner about furniture, then I went to buy some stuff from the stores (also stocked up on coffee and stuff like this).
25. October - finished with the flat stuff.
26. October - didn't feel like going to the gym, especially because we had a late meeting at work, but did it anyway and felt really good after it.
27. October - maybe a random thing, but I cleaned and did some decluttering + finally made some pumpkin-mushroom stew that I had been wanting to make for a while.
28. October - again thought I didn't want to go to the yoga class, but did it anyway. :D It was my favourite class with my fav trainer, so all in all it was a really good day.
29. October - went to see another two flats with my sister and her friend. I really didn't feel like tagging along, but I had promised. Actually seeing all the flats is kind of fun. We also found one we liked. Anyway yeah, some food for thought.
30. October - went to morning yoga class, even though I was exxxtra tired. But again, it was nice. A bit difficult as well, because of the new plan.

Did all of these things (actually one of the days is missing but I am not able to find which one argh). Anyway, going over this list really made me feel good. :D At the same time I keep thinking that do normal people just do stuff like this all the time and don't complain?! :D

Anyway yes, it was a nice thing to write all these things down. I can see how productive I have been now and it kind of does make me want to keep up with this. :D I think that in the future I won't write stuff down like this anymore, but I think I am more inclined to do stuff I don't like. For example I take a task and complete it, instead of postponig it for days. So that is progress. And this is where I wanted to get to.

I also thought I would go over the small goals I set for myself on Friday and see how I have been doing.

Firstly it was having bigger snacks, which was a roaring success. :D I have bought myself several tub of yoghurt and I think that I will soon not crave for them anymore. I still do now though. Anyway, in general life is a lto easier. I have finally given myself a permission to eat and this takes off the worry. Like, I am letting myself to have whatever I want however much I want and this takes away the stress aspect somehow. Just giving myself this permission was the difficult part.

The second small thing was to add chai spice to my morning porridge. And it was actually a very difficult day, because I had gained a lot, but I made some rice porridge (with strawberries and banana) and it was such a good combo with chai spice. :D Exactly as good as I imagined. Here again the decision making was the tough part. But on the last night I thought that I am GOING to do it and then I did. So done! :D

And lastly I wanted to be more flexible with my meal times and this was also a success. For example on one day I had a snack at 4 instead of three, and also had dinner and lunch later as well. And I didn't stress about it at all. I just went with it and thought that okay, I am not hungry yet, I will have food a bit later. It was really nice not to stick to certain times.

I wanted to tell everyone who stuggle with disordered eating and have found their way here... that it is difficult. I have really hard time. Sometimes silly things make me cry. I share successes here, like last week, having Snickers and all that and that I enjoyed it. But still, it is really difficult. I am not doing recovery perfectly. Still every day is a struggle and I have so many thoughts and feelings.

But I want to challenge You. One day. Just take one day and have whatever you want. Don't think about your next meal. You want a piece of chocolate after your breakfast? Have it. Think that "tomorrow I will start again with my rules", but give yourself today off. And then tomorrow you can see how you are feeling. I promise you, nothing bad will happen. And tomorrow, the tomorrow when you think about following your rules, it is not as difficult not to. And you can break those rules again. And again, you can think that well, day after tomorrow I am starting again. Just trick yourself.

And if you are unable to do it one day, then start again. Every day, every morning, every hour and every minute is a new beginning. I promise.

I have discovered that when I am not hungry, I can focus so much better. Like focus on talking to people. I went to a looooong walk with a new friend yesterday and honestly, I didn't even think about any of my meals, or what I was planning to have for dinner. I just listened, answered, talked, looked around and lived. And this is much more important than 10 kilos, 20 kilos, or I don't know, 30 kilos. Because what is this weight telling you? Well, in general only how hard gravity is pulling you towards the ground...

Okay, this post is ending on a weird note, but I don't know. I am feeling motivated.

PS! I will continue with my Very Scary Snacks Challenge.

Okei, selle postituse lõpp läks küll lappesse, aga ma ei tea. Olen hetkel motiveeritud või miskit.

Started my Monday very bravely with peanut butter bar and some chocolate. A really small one, but it was in my drawer, waiting to be eaten. So I added it to my first snack. It is difficult to have several things as a snack. 

It was a very peanutty day, as my second snack was Snickers. Which is also a Very Scary Thing. Because Snickers has so many calories and others can have it but not me. So I had it myself. It was also in my drawer for the longest time, it was about time to eat it. But it brought a lot of guilt. For some time I thought I should miss my lunch, but I didn't. Now I have to just deal with these feelings, I hope it goes well.. but at the moment I am not feeling too great. But I discovered that I kind of got over Snickers. Yes, it was good, but I didn't stop at the store to stare at the Snickers bar, thinking I want it. It was much sweeter than I remembered but I kind of got rid of the craving. It became so simple and normal. I thought this would never happen.

Within the next days I want to try and have a pastry. It is difficult with those. I can have normal bread-ryebread-stuff, especially when it is self-made or baked. But having a pastry from the store it is just "nooo no no don't have it". So this is what I should do.

So on Tuesday I went to the store and got a poppy seed roll from Rimi. It was so difficult. I remember that when I was at the hospital, I had to write down my meals for when I am not there anymore. Just like, to make a plan. And then on some point I said that I would take a pastry from the store as a snack and then one of the nurses said that no, this is not enough. Then I mentioned it would be from a store called Rimi to what another nurse said "okay, then this is fine, Rimi stuff has a lot of calories". From this time, this block in my head has been there. Weird, how such a small thing has been stuck in my head for over a year now.

I am convinced I imagined it was really buttery. But it made eating it very difficult. Of course I decided to look up the calories as well and this was sick. There is no reason to feel bad about it, I know. But it was good. Before having it, I heated it up in the microwave and it was really nice and warm and fresh tasting. But with this, I didn't have this emotion of I am now done with pastries, I still crave them. And keep thinking I want to try some more. But at the Rimi there weren't any other I would have liked to try. There are a lot more in another store, but I am bothered because they don't have calories anywhere. If I knew, I would knew and I would feel more secure. I need to know. This is the control factor of the illness.

Anyway, in addition to this I had my regular snack as well, which was really overcoming this fear. And in addition I had even more candy that I brought to work myself. I later regretted it, but I did it and didn't gain hundred kilos the next morning, which I thought would definitely happen.

Wednesday challenge was Belvita cookies. I have a story with them. Last time I had them, I was in Romania and they had a huge selection (my favourites are not in Estonia :(), but from then I have thought about wanting them. In general cookies seem to be my recent obsession.

On the next day, my weight had gone up 700 grams and it kind of threw me off. Not for long though, I mean I still had proper breakfast and I didn't skip snacks or lunch, but it was still quite difficult to handle. I know it isn't logical that I gained this amount in 24 hours and that it sticks, but I still keep thinking about how is it that much etc. If it went up little by little, it would be easier. But I don't know, I guess it had to go like this. We shall see. I kind of also want the weight to STAY up, until I get used to it. I don't want it to go down either. Weird. Difficulties with understanding myself. :D

For my Thursday snack I had a whole 400 grams of yoghurt. I picked peanut-bread one. I remember when I was still living with my parents and having this was so easy. Then someone came up with this "yoghurts have so much extra sugar in them and it is not healthy". I mean, it is true, but... However, when I went to the store, I reallty wanted exactly this. So I decided to pick it up and have the whole thing at once. Also I remember I have bought some yoghurt and always been really precise like "I can only have exactly half of it" and this is really stressful. And then I have felt guilty if I have had a little more than a half. Constant battle with myself.

Anyway, having this went well. I ate it too fast. Sometimes I feel like my stomach is a completely balck bit and I will never be full. Also with the yoghurt, now I feel like I want to have all the flavours and all at once. I should probably give in and do exactly this. Then it will become another normal snack. I want to get there.

And for Friday aka today I have nuts and chocolate bar. Because nuts are still really scary. And then I thought that I should challenge exactly this. I think it is okay. Besides, after work I am going to see some flats with my sister and I need this energy. I don't know what time we will be back at home.

Relating to this challenge, I am planning to go forward with it. Pick things for snacks that I have been too scared of having. Because yes, it is scary, but it is also really nice. It is good to allow yourself have stuff you have been too scaref of having for such a long time. I keep looking aroung in the stores and thinking that "I will try this and that and that" and it feels really good.

I am kind of annoyed with having three meals and three snacks though. Like, I live for these moments. I don't know if I am ever able to have just three meals and be done. I don't know any healthy person who has so many snacks and this scares me. It is like, right now it is recovery time and I can do this, but in the future I have to start restricting again. It is such a weird and bothering thing. I don't know, I just feel scared of the future.

I have thought about setting some short-term goals again, because it is cool to do them and it really helps me. If I don't write a challenge down and only think about it, my actions and thoughts don't really match up. Writing things down and sharing them kind of makes me be more accountable. Like this week has been with the Very Scary Snacks. If I hadn't set this thing up, I would have broken down and not done it. This would have meant that my eating disorder won. This kept me right.

So the goals for the next week are:

1. Have snacks that are literally between 200-300 calories (and not maximum 200 as I have done previously).
2. Adding chai spice to my porridge. I have been wanting to do this for a while but I have been too scared.
3. Be more flexible with meal times and not stick to the clock. I really want to listen to myself and have food when I am actually hungry, not to think that okay, it is 11 am now, I can now have a sanck.

I think three is enough. I will start with them today (like with number one goal). And then let's go from there. Today me and my sister are planning to have a beer maybe and some blue cheese (this used to be really ewwww for me, but now I love it :D) and just not think. Watch something, not making the meal to be the best thing about the night.

In addition to this all I wrote down all the food items I have been having this week. And if I put in today's plan, then I have 51! Yay, managed it. :D This is such a cool thing to do, it is really diverse food I have been having, eh?

How my cleaning challenge is going? Not too great. I haven't really stuck to it, I have to confess. I have made SOME progress and thrown away a lot of stuff, but I really haven't been following the list at all. :D I will try to keep up with it and do more on the weekend though. Yesterday I did pack up some books and stuff. At first I thought I will send stuff to my parents', but why would they have to keep things, if they are mine? But in general a lot of my decluttering goes like "okay, I am cleaning this area" and then I put all the stuff to another cupboard and think that "yep, this is for another day" :D :D. I think I am realllly clever.

Anyway yeah, I am really glad today is Friday. Ideally, I would like to go to some furniture stores on the weekend and see some sofas in real life. I have a long list of things I want to get. :D I should start actually buying the stuff at some point, because only 29 days to go!

To finish this post, I wish you all a good morning and I hope you will find something positive in today. For me, it was nice to see a driver rise their hand after I waved and thanked them to let me cross the road. Also it was really foggy and spooky outside, it looked cool - like in a horror movie. My cat was adorable today, really wanted some attention and cuddles. My weight hadn't gone down, maybe I can do this life insurance thing soon (they don't let to do it if you are too much underweight). My porridge was really great. And coffee at work is really good. And I have plans for the weekend, it has been a while. Ah, and there was a boy in the tram who had made himself into a lego man and another one with horns and all white clothing. Halloween is upon us, though it is not much celebrated in Estonia. And... so many great things and it is only 8:17?!