I Won't Quote

I don't know what happened yesterday. Recently everything has been really good. Things are going well and I am feeling at ease, I have my own place, my own home. Christmas time is pretty, I feel free and my relationships are going wel.

And then yesterday happened (PS, when I am writing this, it is Wedensday, 23rd of December).

I felt really uneasy starting from 11 am, I don't know why. I had this weird huge burst of anxiety, my heart was beating really fast and I wanted to have a cry. The whole thing ended with me calling to my sister and crying for half an hour on the phone. I tried to talk it out, make it understandable for myself... but I couldn't. I was so worn out in the end it was difficult to do anything or distract myself. It was just hard.

And then I thought that I used to feel like this all the time. Every day. I didn't want to live, everything was scary and I had a weird panic. I don't understand how I even functioned. Because yesterday was just awful.

I thought that I can't do anything all day and I really just wanted to be alone and do nothing. But at the same time I was scared that it will turn into this circle where I want to be alone all the time again, I will cancel plans and basically just be a vegetable. I didn't want this to happen either. So I told my friend to come over and we watched the fourth Harry Potter movie. And... believe it or not, I did start to feel a little better. By the end of the night I had calmed down, I had some anxiety left, but not as much as during the day.

I don't know what came over me. It was a complete desperation. I tell you, I don't remember the last time I felt so shitty and this was really quite scary. I couldn't even explain it. At the same time I wasn't the only one who had a really bad day, so maybe it was state of the moon or someting.

And I know these kind of days may come. I talked to my psychologist on Friday about it. She said that bad days may come and they will come. But on those moments I need to understand that this will not last and it will help me through them.

I actually wanted to write a post already yesterday, but I didn't. And today I am a lot calmer and I can think clearly. This is good. My psychologist also always tells me that I can think logically and analyze the situation as if I am onlooker. I think I am pretty good at it, yes.

I don't even know if I will publish this post. Maybe. Also I will maybe write a little about Christmas too. Kind of matching with desperation, isn't it. :D 

Honestly I am not as negative as this makes me sound. Today is pretty good day. For example I went to the store during lunch, and I found a bag on my door handle. It was a wrapped present with two Kinder Buenos. And it had a mark on flat number on it. Amazing. I looked at the other doors, but no one had anything? Maybe they had already picked them up, who knows. Anyway, it is highly unlikely that the person who made this gift would read my blog, but in general I wanted to say thank you.

Recently I have gotten a lot of surprises, I don't know what to say. :D No idea how I deserved these things.

After Christmas I really wanted to join a gym again, because one is really close to my home. But oh well, a lockdown in Tallinn again. This sucks. I feel sorry for all the restaurants and cafes that probablt have to close down for real. :( Me and my friend thought that maybe we should use Wolt more to order food... not a bad idea actually. It is still difficult to eat foor that others have made, so this would be a good challenge.

With challenges - they are not over. Yes, my weight is on the way to get to normal range and things are a lot better, but there are still a lot of fears in my every day life. I think snacks I have had have been the most helpful, but for example lunches are still really difficult. But I have been good in general.

In relation to my desperation I also wondered if it is because my hormones are getting back to normal levels? Maybe? I haven't looked it up online, but I should probably do some research.

Anyway, at the moment we are planning on going to my parents' for Christmas. I am max stressed over it and my sister thought that my panic yesterday came from it. Or actually... I don't even know if I am stressed. A little on some level I guess. But at the same time I worry and am stressed because I don't worry? :D It is like it is with guilty feelings - I feel guilty for not feelng guilty. :D Very confusing.

It is so nice to write these things down and read over later. In general when I start a post early, before publishing it I read it over and think that oh wow, did I really feel like this and thought like that. I recommend. Writing things down is quite good.

Anyway yes, I wish you the happiest of Christmas

And...

I overate at Christmas. Depressing. Half of the night I managed to take it easy and feel good, but then I was too full. But I didn't stop eating. I ate and ate as it was my last meal ever. Why couldn't I stay ate the comfortable fullness level?! I don't know. I don't know. Every time I think that now I will do it, then I am faed with food and I cannot. I want more and more. In the end I didn't even count the plates I had... not to mention all the candy and gingerbreads I got down. :(

Tomorrow will be difficult. I already know it. At least I am going home and I can do my own thing and hopefully stuff will get back to normal. Oeh.

I am kind of glad I don't have any plans for the new year's eve. I can take it easy. I wouldn't mind spending it completely alone to be honest. Or I don't know. I just feel I want to be alone at the moment. It always feel like this after overeating. Õõh.

Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.

As I moved to my own flat, I decided to celebrate it with a very few people. And I also wanted to do it in a vegan way, meaning I didn't have anything on the table that would have been not vegan.

Or a story about how I gained three kilograms in 24 hours. Overeating is the key.

A long time before the party I had planned to make pizza, chocolate cake and cookies, sushi and have some crisps, popcorn, fruit and vegetables with hummus.

On pizza I had paprica, mushrooms, corn, tomato paste and vegan cheese. It was really difficult to find the last ingredient. I went to several stores but no one had it. Finally I did find it though, so that was good. :D Before putting it on a pizza I tried it and smelled it and it seemed like the real thing! At first I was planning to make some other kind of savoury pastries and muffins, but I changed my mind and made pizza instead. Vegan pizzas are always good and they are really simple to make.

I made sushi with cucumber, avocado and paprica. I really like avocado sushi rolls! Many times I am meeting with my friends we get a takeaway sushi and everyone have really liked it. So I wanted to make it myself too.

Of course I had prepared some pickled ginger, because no proper sushi should be eaten without it. :D I really don't understand people wgo don't dip their sushi in soy sauce or don't have ginger! I always have the extra ginger after eating sushi as well, because I just love it so much. I am addicted. :D

Vegetables with hummus was also elementary. Usually I would have offered them with some kind of dip, but I didn't find vegan dip and my love for hummus has grown a lot recently.

From crisps I had some kind of Korean BBQ flavoured oat crisps, then I wanted to try some vegan bacon crisps and I also offered some BBQ tortilla crisps as well. I also got some butter popcorn, which actually didn't have butter in it. :D 

Cookies recipe I found from instagram and they came out really amazing. The chocolate cake I had tried on my coworkers and they liked it. It was good that I tried to make the same thing before - it was a bit dry and I cooked it a little less this time.

From fruits I had grapes, melon, clementines and apples. Nice and easy. I thought for a while if I should make a fruit salad or just lay them on the plate and decided on the last one. :D Anyone can mix them together.

I was surprised at how many savoury snacks I had. I would have liked some more vegan cheese, but I couldn't find the Sheese company ones, with caramellised onion.

Anyway, I do think I had enough things.

I was a bit stressed because on the next day my sister's friend had a birthday party and I was also invited. And we had sushi. It is difficult for me to have a big meal several days in a row. So this was a challenge. But I managed and I think that all in all I did well.

Now I am feeling a bit aweful, but I am trying to manage. Soon it is Christmas and eating continues. Today morning I really wanted to skip the breakfast and now have anything for lunch either, because my weight had gone up by so much and I had had too much food. But at the same time I did feel a bit hungry so I had porridge. I will see how I am feeling during the day, but I will try and have a proper meal. I have understood that I am more likely to overeat when I restrict beforehand. If I eat properly all the time, maybe it won't happen? Anyway, I thought that is is new week and new beginnings and I will try to be mindful and better.

Also I don't know what to think about this overeating. I am not eating unhealthy stuff, it is just the amount of food I am having. And I just don't get rid of the food in my system really fast. Anyway, I don't know. I will try and balance stuff out more.

It is difficult to talk about this topic, if I am completely honest. I had my psychologist appointment on Friday and I told her stuff, but she didn't really offer anything back. I mean, she is not a professional in this area, but I noticed she wrote down quite a bit when I talked about it. So I can only guess she was a bit worried by what I said. It also causes some panic for myself. I need to repeat though, that even though the weight has gone up, I don't feel as guilty as I used to. Like, it is just that kind of time. December always has a lot of food and things will normalize soon.

I haven't really talked about body checking, but this is really common thing in eating disorder recovery. Anyway, lately there have been so many changes in my body and I keep noticing it. I have several mirrors in my bedroom and whenever I change clothes, I can see that I have gotten bigger. At the same time I know I still need to gain like 8 kilos, to be of normal weight, and I shouldn't worry at all. But it is easier said than done.

Anyway, I think I feel some relief after writing this down here. It has been really tough to write this post - I have so many things going around in my head. I feel like some people who are reading this don't really understand how awful this situation is. But oh well. I don't know how to express myself better. Anyway, I feel really anxious all the time recently and this recovery thing gets bigger and scaried by day. I get these weird anxiety shakes again. It means my body turns really cold and then really hot and it feels awful. I feel so uncomfortable and I feel sick and my head starts to spin a lot. At some point I got rid of it, but it was when my weight was super low. I didn't have any emotions then, including anxiety. Now things are starting to come back and I feel super restless and awful.

Sometimes I think that I wish I could cry a little, maybe I would feel better then. But there just aren't any tears. Last weekend I had some sort of a breakdown and I did cry. It was not nice, but I felt somehow really human then. At the moment I just feel really... dry. :D Like a twisted towel or something, I don't really know what is dry haha :D

I did think that maybe I should blog about what I eat in a week and mark down emotions as well. Maybe I would get a better control like this? I don't know, maybe I will write stuff down just for myself. Maybe I can guide myself better like this. At the moment I have had a proper breakfast and I feel really full again, it is uncomfortable. But I guess it is because I still haven't digested all of the sushi I had. ARGH, this topic and worry just really upsets me. I wish I could see my psychologist again, but in Tartu, because they know more about eating disorders and it would be nice to hear what they tell me.

I don't know. I just don't know. It is difficult. Both mentally and physically.

It is cool that I asked my mum if I can make mushroom Wellington to take to my Grandma's for Christmas. I found a really nice recipe on this one Estonian site. And she said that of course. It seems really tasty and I am really excited. It didn't seem that complicated and does look very tasty. But I will leave thyme out, because I just really hate it. :D

I will warn you that now on 25th I am not going to post. Because holidays and all that. I will later of course cover everything I missed and will tell you how I felt and am feeling. But yeah. I will have a complete day off. :D Even though I really like blogging and it is easy to do... maybe there will be a post. :D But don't worry, if there isn't going to be one.

I am glad that people actually came to my small celebration. It was nice. At first I was quite stressed, worrying over if people had enough things to talk about and maybe it will be boring and uncomfortable. But it was really nice. I will try and focus on this aspect.

I will have another small gathering in the beginning of next year, because I didn't want to have too many people over at once. I think I would like to play some table games and just chat. I feel like I could use that kind of an evening during these dark times. Also, my friends have a lot of cool games.

In connection with this, do you have any games you recommend? My favourite is probably Dixit, but I also like the kind of games that help you get to know people better. At the same time I absolutely hate card games and I usually just watch them when others are playing. :D I do like strategy games, vut it usually takes a long time to understand those.

Finally, here is a picture of mister Motu, who was really a baby on the next day from meeting the friends, even though he got a lot of attention from everyone. Anyway, he has been really sweet and I wonder if he knows I am having hard time? Whenever I sit down on the sofa he comes to me and rubs his cheek against mine, as if to say "hey Signe, don't worry, you have me. Whatever comes, comes". My sweet little baby.

It was so weird to go to my sister's place yesterday, becayse there was no Motu. :D Now it would be cool if you could clone a cat - he is worth it. My sister also said it was difficult for her to leave my place. And it was difficult for me yesterday.

But there are some exciting things coming for her as well, as she has finally found a flat and is probably going to move in the beginning of January. And what is the best - her flat is 15 minute walk away from mine! So it won't be trouble visiting each other.

Anyway, if this is my last post before next Monday and after Christmas you won't hear about me, happy holidays! I hope that despite everything the holidays will be nice and sweet and awesome and I hope you can still spend some time with friends and relatives. I am planning to go home to my parents and visit Grandma, but I am being careful and watching my health. Me and my family are trying to do everyting as normally as we can.

Happy Christmas!

I have been wanting to do this for suchhhh a long time. :D I don't know if this is the best idea though, because I already miss porridge. But anyway, I decided that for a week (or actually five days) I will change up my breakfasts.

Instead of porridge I have made different sandwiches in order to try to discover what I also would like and to try new things. I guess a part of this is driven by an eating disorder as well, porridge is so called safe food for me. So I wanted to try something new!

At first I wanted to try more things, like pancakes, waffles, omelette etc, but it soon became a toast challenge.

Monday

Today I finally had this classic, aka toast with peanut butter, banana and pumpkin pie spice. I of course had coffee with oatmilk on the side. Anyway, it tasted... good. For some reason I thought that it won't fill me up enough, but hey, it did! When I had my morning snack, I wasn't even hungry. I still had a snack though, because I know I need to have them, but still. :D

I think if I were to have it again, I would cut thinner slices of the banana and add more peanut butter. And more spices. But it was good for a first try plus looked really tasty. Also I am used to having sweet breakfasts, so it suited well.

All in all I would say that I would totally have it again, but not for breakfast. Maybe for a snack or why not for lunch. Should I rate it? Well... 7.5/10.

Tuesday

Today I actually planned to have beans on toast, but the can broke and I couldn't open it as I didn't have the can opener. :D So instead I had to have hummus on toast with cherry tomatoes, which was not bad either.

It again came as a surprise how full I was after having it. It was also first time in I don't know how many months when I had savoury breakfast. But it wasn't bad by now means, it was really nice. And also with coffee, nothing bad to say about it.

I was not a big fan of this hummus though, it was with herbs. It is really particular and only sold in two stores. But I wasn't bothered and just went with it. The price was also better than other hummus, so I am not complaining in that sense. For this breakfast I would give 7/10. Nothing too special, I mean I have had this kind of thing for lunch before.

Wednesday

Today I finally got to have my beans on toast, which was... really good! I didn't expect to like it as much. :D I also added vegan butter on my toast and it really added something to it.

It was nice and filling and hearty. I kind of burned my tongue a little, because I was hungry and couldn't wait for the beans to cool down. :D But in all honesty I would say I liked it even more than peanut butter and banana on toast, which came as a surprise, because I love sweet stuff. 8/10 for sure and I am thinking that I wouldn't mind having it again.

It is half mandatory to work from home starting next week, so I think I will have it as a lunch on some days. Because at the moment I am still sure I will go back to my morning porridge. :D I am planning to have so much porridge you have no idea. :D

Also I think I will try new stuff in porridge as well. Like I have a bag of steel cut oats that I haven't yet tried and I really want to have semolina porrige finally.

Two more days and I have some good ideas. For tomorrow I can say it is going to be something sweet, but on Friday it will be savoury. But well, balance is important.

Thursday

Today I had the biggest challenge of this week and made French toast. And it was so good. I have made it once before, but then it was a complete fail, though this time it was amazing!

I made it vegan, so I added oatmilk, sugar, pumpkin pie spice (it is a spice mix with cinnamon and stuff) and oatbran. I soaked the bread and threw it on a pan.

They fried up so well and they were still hot when I started to eat them. I added banana and frozen blueberries on top (put blueberries into the microwave for a moment to melt them). And it was... just fantastic. Honestly, I even thought that I could have it instead of porridge. :D Surprising, but this is how it was. When I will make them again, I will definitely add some peanut butter and something on top. Or jam and butter, same sauce... Anyway, I am really excited over it. :D I think I will also make some during my lunches now. Or have some as a snack. I have a chance thanks to working from home now.

Last time I made that, I had it with an egg, and I guess that was the part I didn't like. Most of the vegan recipes had chia seeds or linen seeds in it, but I found one that used flour. Instead of flour I improvised and added oatbran, which was a really good idea. It was so nice!

For sure this is 9.5/10. Or even 10/10, because it was just that good omg.

It is difficult to deal with my weight gain. On the weekend I will be having a small housewarming party and I am bit anxious over it, especially as I had gained 900 grams overnight again.

On Tuesday I went to have donuts with a friend. In addition to my regular meals and snacks. I was shocked how strongly it affected me. My hands were shaking so hard, but luckily we just chatted for a while and my thoughts were not on food. There is this one donut shop in the shopping center we went to. Took Lotos biscuite ones. I don't think it was something amazing (I would like to try other flavours :D), but it was still pretty good. They also have bubble tea, which I still haven't tried but would like to. Maybe we will get around to it!

But I mean, this is normal. I don't have to pre-plan all of my meals and snacks, I can just go along with things. So I think this donut meeting was a success.

But yeah, I am bothered by my weight. I have to admit that I have tried restricting, but I cannnot do it anymore. Like, I see things. For example someone brought some candy to woek, and I just had several, because I have been wanting to try those candies. :D Weird.

I have big plans for Saturday. I will make everything 100% vegan, which is really cool in my opinion! I will take some pictures and maybe post about it as well, like what to offer to guests on a party. I am really quite excited. It has been a dream of mine for a long time to have people over and make some food for them! :D I have already started buying some things, because I can't carry everything home at once and it feels like I am spending less like this, haha. Obviously not, but I do everything to make me feel better, right. :D

Weird, I got this idea of keepin up with having different breakfasts. I would like to try just cereal or make pancakes. Or tofu scaramble would be good as well. I should get some black salt for it to make it more eggy. And then add it to toast? Mmm, sounds super good! What else there is in breakfast foods...

For example bagel. I am sad that out foodstores don't have bagels, I would really like a few. And these crumpets things. I guess I could make them myself, I could try. Also I would like to have just croissant for breakfast or some other kind of pastry and why not these thick waffles. I should get a waffle maker. Oh, it is actually less than 10 euros, I could get it easily. :D

Now finally 4 days after starting this challenge have started to see how big the breakfast world is. What kind of other breakfasts there is? Mmm... I can remember English breakfast, potato hashbrowns... then there is alos shakshuka, which is really nice. Also I still haven't tried pb and jelly on toast... Aahhh, there are so many things I want. :D Honestly, sometimes I go to sleep early in order to get up and eat. Even though it has been happening less now, because I eat enough and I don't feel hungry and I don't have to think that oh I will go to bed fast, then I can eat again.

Friday

Today my avocado was finally ripe enough to eat. So I made avocado toast.

I used to not be a fan of avocados, and I am not obsessed with it right now either. At one point I thought it was because I was afraid of it, but I don't know. Today showed me that I am not scared.

And avocado toast was good! I added salt and pepper, because without it it is just too bland. :D But anyway, really nice and creamy breakfast. I think I would rate it as 7/10. Would have again. Could be good for lunch.

And it was a bonus that it was perfectly ripe. And perfect on the inside, no dark pieces or anything. :D I managed to wait until it was perfect.

Anyway yes, this was this week's challenge. I wonder if I should go back to my porridge from tomorrow, or keep going with other breakfasts. :D I bought myself a pack of cereal and why not make pancakes in the end... I don't know if I dare to say it, but I seem to be... over porridge?

It has really showed me that the porridge was just... safe food. And maybe I didn't have it every morning because I love it, but because it was something I dared to have. :D

I think I will make porridge tomorrow and see how I feel. But it is just good to know that I can have something other and make decisions based on my cravings. :)

All in all this was one of the most interesting challenges and I am really glad I tackled it. :D

At the end of 2019 I set myself 150 small challenges and I thought that now is the time to look them over and see what I have done or haven't done.

Anyway, here they are:

1. Get my weight up to 50 kilos. - I haven't reached it yet, but I am super close. It is difficult to deal with it, but day by day it is becoming easier. Like today I thought that my weight has gone up so much again. Because there was some serious overeating at the work event - really, I was in literal pain from eating so much...
2. Have cake when out with a friend or family. - This I have done. I immediately thought about when me and my sister and mum went to Saaremaa and Hiiumaa and we had chocolate cake on the ferry back home.
3. Get myself a flat. - I didn't really think this will happen, but by now, I have been in my own flat for a little over a week. Yay!
4. I read at least 25 books. - I honestly haven't counted how many books I have read this year. But I am afraid it is less than that (but I still have a few more weeks, right... :D)
5. Go abroad for work. - If I don't count the training days, I haven't done it.
6. Post on blog every Monday and Friday. - In general I did it. A few days I did skip because I was on a holiday.
7. Buy myself some jewelry. - I wanted to, but I didn't find the RIGHT one.
8. Do the meditation challenge. - I kind of did it, but it wasn't too successful.
9. Go to at least one place in Estonia where I haven't been before. - Yes, I went to Hiiumaa island!
10. Run a marathon. - Nope, my health didn't allow me to. But next year I am definitely going to do it.
11. Use less plastic. - I have done this as much as possible. For example I am really good with using reusable produce and shopping bags.
12. Study Norwegian. - Nope, no motivation.
13. Go to at least 3 concerts. - Haahaaa, as if! (Corona!)
14. Write several articles about music. - I did write something! And also went to Tallinn Music Week!
15. Try baking my own bread. - Yes, and I was very successful! :D
16. Meet my foreign friends. - Again - corona.
17. Travel to at least three countries. - If I only knew what would happen in 2020... :D But well, I did go to Japan! And this equals with at least three countries.
18. Try 100 different teas. - Yes, I definitely did that!
19. Try baking something new (in addition to my kringel and cake I always make). - Yup, for example I made another cake and sweet potato brownies.
20. Go to spa. - Just went there two days ago. :D
21. Start doing bouldering again. - I have gone twice this year! Better than nothing.
22. Visit my parents more. - This I didn't do, mostly because of corona again. Don't want to accidentally spread it. But I will go home for Christmas.
23. Worry less. - I think I might have done that.
24. Be more spontaneous. - I actually feel like I have been. :D
25. Go to an outdoor adventure park. - Yep, went there on Muhu island with my mum and sister.
26. Save money. - Haahaa (I bought a flat, so no :D).
27. Celebrate vegan Tuesdays meaning eating vegan on every Tuesday. - This I haven't done, but I will start with my vegan challenge from the next year. And I haven't bought any animal products since moving.
28. Write something in addition to having a blog. - This I haven't done at all.
29. Read more poetry. - This also.
30. Go to cinema more. - I guess? I don't remember how often I went last year so I cannot really compare.
31. Go to theater more. - Related to corona, I haven't had a chance to go as much as I would have liked, but I have seen some plays!
32. Make more art. - I dunno, I guess not?
33. Watch more movies. - Yep. Especially recently. I also have a TV now so this helps too!
34. Spend less time in social media. - I think I have actually used it more.
35. Drink less soft drinks. - Omg, as if.
36. Write a business plan. - Nope. :d I have an idea, but I haven't done anything to realize it.
37. Eat more fear foods (like pasta, quinoa). - Yes, this I have done a lot during my challenges.
38. Properly fill my bullet journal. - I don't know... it is not as pretty as it could be, but mostly it has filled it's purpose and I have been able to write everything I need down.
39. Go eat out more. - Yes, I have done this. And I would like to do it more. I wish there was no corona risk.
40. Read more popular scientific papers. - I think I have done this, I have National Geographic subscription now.
41. Read more papers and magazines, - Yep, look at the previous point.
42. Find new companies to work with. - I haven't really been doing it, but I have connections with Globus Estonia and this is cool!
43. Try out a new sport. - I started going to yoga classes.
44. Donate extra clothes. - Yes, finally! There were so many things that were just taking up space in my cupboards. I put them all together and gave away. Even though some of them had specific memories connected to them. It felt really good!
45. Buy new clothes. - I haven't done that much. But this is good, saving some money and I know that my body is changing.
46. Donate to food bank. - When they have these bigger events I have done it. I unfortunately don't remember to do it all the time.
47. Walk the dogs in shelter. - Yes!! I have gone with my friend several times, even though we were only able to walk a dog once, because on other times there were too many people and too few dogs who needed to be walked. But this is actually positive.
48. Talk to more with my relatives and getting together with them. - I haven't been able to meet them, but I am trying to talk to them more.
49. Listen to at least one new artist every week. - I really haven't been keeping up with this, but Tallinn Music Week helped me to discover several new ones. So I don't count this goal as a failed one.
50. Learn at least one poem by heart. - Nope, but Christmas is still coming and I should learn something. :D In Estonia we have to recite a poem, sing, dance etc to get our presents from the Santa.
51. Try not to move as much. - Yes! Oh boy how buying my own flat has helped with this. I am going home after work, not going to walk around as I used to do due to anorexia. And really, I don't even check my activity tracker to see how many steps I have taken. :D On some days it is really just a few. But this is fairly new progress I have been making.
52. Do yoga. - Yep, I love it!
53. Watch a Disney movie. - There is still some time... :D
54. Take a picture every day. - I did have a challenge with it. Maybe I should do another post of pictures in my week.
55. Try new porridges. - I have done those. I have made millet and rice porridge, but still haven't gotten around to make semolina one. But I should, I really crave it.
56. Try savoury porridge. - I don't think so? I don't remember when I tried it, was it this year? Anyway, I hated it, so I don't want to do that again. :D But at the same time my friend has porridge with nutritional yeast and is really happy with it. :D
57. Make more smoothies. - Haven't done this, but I have had a few this year.
58. Use more oil when cooking. - Nope. But I don't avoid it completely. Like it is fine when someone else makes food and uses it. I don't feel like oh no it is too much or "why are they using oil".
59. Let others cook for me. - I think I haven't really done it, but a little still. And I have been going out for meals a lot more and this goes here as well.
60. Take candies, sweets, cookies etc if I am being offered. - Yes! I have only skipped it if it is something that has meat in it.
61. Avoid counting calories. - Sometimes I start and then I just cannot be bothered. Or I do count them and there is too much and stresses me out and then I am like, it doesn't matter, I better not count then. This is huge progress! In things, I generally do check the calories but it is mostly to make sure I am eating enough.
62. Clean up 15 minutes every day. - I really haven't done it, but I have tried to keep clean and do at least something every day. I have habit tracker page in my bullet journal and it has a thing that says "cleaning", and whenever I complete it, I get to mark it with an X.
63. Go for a hike. - Me and my friend have been talking about going, but life is really busy. I don't know if we will manage to do it this year though, because it is rather cold outside already.
64. Meet new people and get new aquaintances. - Yes, definitely have done that.
65. Try new craft beers. - Yes, and also not craft beers. Like yesterday I tried this almond flavoured dark beer. It was okay. Nothing amazing, but still pretty good.
66. Watch some Estonian movies. - Haven't done this I think?
67. Listen to more Estonian music. - Well, during Tallinn Music Week I did listen to a lot of new artists and it was pretty cool. I had a phase in summer where I did listen more Estonian stuff.
68. Get some more ear piercings. - This is in my to do list and I hope to do it this year.
69. Use less "I'm too lazy". - Sometimes I get all motivated when I conciously remind myself not to use this. :D But yeah, it is easy to say.
70. Be awake for longer (really, going to bed at 9 is a bit tooooo early). - Now that I have my own flat I stay awaye way longer. :D Or sometimes I visit people and get home really late. This is good.
71. Learn to understand and express my emotions better. - Well first of all I need to wait to get my emotions back, though I am on my way. Last meeting with my doctor went really well and I talked about the meds. He said he is hoping to get the dosage down by march and maybe get me off meds by next summer. There is hope.
72. Try and create my own recipe.- I have tried with some. For example my sweet potato brownies were my own creation.
73. Get braces. - Yes!
74. Borrow more books from the library. - I haven't been to the library in a really long time, I need to change this.
75. If necessary, I will go to the hospital again. - I am glad to say that this hasn't had to happen.
76. Talk more when around people. - I don't really know how to evaluate this. There hasn't been many meetings.
77. Write down three positive things each day. - Not really each day, but I have tried doing it. Or if I don't write things down, I still think of at least three good things every morning.
78. Have more liquid calories and get over the fear of them. - I can be proud that I have done this.
79. Try new food things (for example in Japan!). - Yes! For example I tried natto in Japan. :d I really would like to try seitan now, but I don't know where I can get it.
80. Send more letters and postcards. - I don't think I have done this. Some, but not many. I am not sending Christmas cards either this year, because sending them actually costs quite a bit. And if I started sending them, I would like to send it to more people.
81. Give more compliments. - I have tried doing this and it makes me feel good.
82. Make decisions faster and be more sure of myself. - Yep, definitely have gotten better in it. And saying what I want.
83. Go to stores less (even food stores). - A little, yes. On some period I used to walk around in stores a lot. Now I have done it less. Because of the corona it also doesn't seem right. 
84. Be more supportive of my friends and family. - Yes, I think so. I have enough energy to offer help now.
85. Find a good psychologist for myself. - I still go to the same psychologist, but I have grown to appreciate her.
86. Buy myself a TV (our current one hasn't worked for years already). Yep, I have been the owner of a TV for a week and a half now and this is so nice!
87. Drink less coffee. - I think I have more coffee... :D
88. Visit someone abroad. - We went to see a friend in Japan!
89. Try and make a travel video. - I didn't do this because I didn't film anything.
90. Play more board games. - I have played quite a bit, when my sister has had a friend over. But I would like to have some more board game nights.
91. Intvite friends and family over. - I still haven't had a chance to do that, because I just moved.
92. Join a gym. - Yes, I go to yoga and all. Though at the moment I am not paying for next month, because it is Christmas and I don't want to waste money and I can't go during Christmas.
93. Read all the Harry Potter books again. - At the moment I am reading the second book.
94. Watch all the Harry Potter movies again. - We watched the first one on Sunday.
95. Grow herbs at home. - At the moment I haven't done it, but it is in my to do list. I just need to think of a way to save the plants from Motu.
96. Learn to rest. - I still haven't mastered it, but I am definitely better at it.
97. Subscribe to a magazine. - Yes, I wrote about my National Geographic subscription.
98. Borrow and ride a bike. - Unfortunately I haven't done this, maybe next summer?
99. Have a dinner party for my family. - This I also haven't been able to do, because I just moved. This is definitely something I want to have though.
100. Have something other than porridge in the morning. - Hehehehe, this is this week's challenge. I will post about it on Friday!
101. Go to swim in the sea. - Didn't do that even once. :(
102. Connect with people who I haven't talked to for ages. - I have been trying to do it, and generally people have been really happy about it. This is nice.
103. Trying to be more honest towards myself and others. - Yes, definitely.
104. Go mushroom picking, - Meh, didn't get to that.
105. Start investing/saving. - I joined a program in bank which always rounds off how much I spend in the store and transfers the cents left to another account to save like this. It is pretty cool.
106. Write a diary in addition to my blog. - Haven't done this, but sometimes I feel like I should. When I want to write my emotions down more precicely. But at the same time I am quite open in my blog anyway.
107. Print out more photos and put them into a notebook. - Haven't done that. I should get some Japan pics printed out though.
108. Do some training, - Haven't joined a training (like baking etc) that I wanted to do, but there have been some training days at work so I can check this off.
109. Delete unneccessary pictures from my computer. - Well, so-so.
110. Delete unneccessary pictures and videos from my phone. - Same.
111. Practice writing (for example for my bullet journal). - Nope. Haven't felt like doing it.
112. Make my bed every morning. - Yes! I can't imagine leaving it messy when I get up. It really bothers me. :D
113. Watch more documentaries. - I have seen a few, yes!
114. Listen to more podcasts. - This I have definitely been doing.
115. Write down my dreams. - I haven't really written them down, but I have been retelling them to people.
116. Try and write poetry. - I did have a period where I tried, but not much.
117. Smile more. - I don't know, I guess not? It is not the nicest thing to do with braces. :D When I get rid of them finally, I will do it a lot though. :D
118. Make more food to take to work with me. - Yes, I have done this a lot.
119. Have less added sugar. - Mmmmm... I don't know. A little I think? But I drink so much Coca Cola Zero.
120. Drink more water. - Sometimes.
121. Learn to do pushups. - Now because I have this push up challenge I have done them more.
122. Surprise people more. - I have done this. :D It really makes me feel good!
123. Learn new English words. - Nope. I haven't really read English books either to learn something new.
124. Worry less. - Yes. My weight has started to go up, but I worry way less about it? Weird connection. And other things also cause less stress somehow.
125. Play with my cat more. - If only he was up for it.
126. Do more challenges. - Yes, I have done so many!
127. Take a hold of new opportunities. - I think so.
128. Connect my work and hobbies. - Nope, haven't been successful. Ideally I would connect them.
129. Try new things in order to find something interesting to do. - I don't know, I have been revisiting my old loves, like bouldering, running etc.
130. Break my routine. - Mhmh, especially lately. Almost every day I meet someone, do something or go somwhere.
131. Get more use out of my free time. - I don't know. I have rested more, which is quite a big thing for me.
132. Make my own recipe book. - Well, I do have a notebook where I write recipes down and this is pretty cute.
133. Call more instead of sending messages. - Sometimes.
134. Make more thoughtful presents. - I have tried doing it and I think I have been quite successful.
135. Watch more series (for example continue with Doctor Who...). - Yes. I watched Living With Yourself with a friend, also Queen's Gambit and I am watching Brooklyn 99 with my sister etc.
136. Read more blogs. - I have found some new ones and done that.
137. Do something cool with my hair. - When I went to Japan, my hair was blue. Now I should cut them or something.
138. Learn to do better make up. - Nope. But I haven't had any motivation or reason to do this either.
139. Get rid of my meds. - Not yet, but hopefully within next year I will!
140. Host a giveaway. - Haven't done it, though it would be cool.
141. Play a computer game. - I played Age of Empries a lot for some time. :D
142. Read someone's life book. - Haven't done it, but I haven't found an interesting one.
143. Learn new stuff at work. - Definitely.
144. Do something nice for a stranger. - I don't know, maybe? I have been trying to be mindful and notice small things and help people.
145. Set myself some goals (I can get some inspiration from this list). - Yes, I have set a lot of small goals and fulfilled them.
146. Practice being grateful. - Definitely.
147. Tell people more how much they mean to me. - Yep. Have done this in real life and also on the phone.
148. Think more about the future. - This is kind of depressing, but in general yes.
149. Won't make any more of these kind of crazy lists. - Yes, not going to do that this year. :D
150. Fulfill at least some of the goals here. - Yes!

But what should I set as new year's goals? I think that maybe I will write down three bigger points to get some inspiration from?

1. Get well. It means gaining weight, it means getting rid of my eating disorder and meds. I feel so motivated at  the moment. I hope next year I can look back at this and write YES, I have done it. This would be so cool!

2. Maintain good relationships.Friendships, relationships with my family etc. Relationships have become much more important to me recenrly. I like hanging out with people and be off of my routine. I thought for a long time that I want to be alone, have my own rhythm, my own routine, do my own thing, be my own boss. But actually relationships are so-so important.

3. Be more successful at work. I like my job. At the moment I will continue working here, so I have hope. I want to be good at what I do, get to know things better and continue studying next year. So there are some small goals in this big one.

About my weekend I wanted to mention that my dad came to down and helped me to pick out some furniture. He also helped to assemble it. And also I got my cat with me now. He is really stressed though and spent the whole day under the bed. Now in the morning when I went to work he finally started eating. I feel so much better now.

He scrached me a lot when I captured him and he also ripped my winter jacket, but I can't even be angry at him. I feel so bad.

Anyway yes, this was today's post. Nothing new or interesting, but I thought I'd mention I started a new challenge and it is really exciting. Post about this coming on Friday. :D

What are your goals for next year and what did you do in 2020?

I wanted to say that my eating disorder story was published in two online magazines in Estonian. If you want the link, check my Estonian blog.

Also I got a parcel from Globus Estonia! They sent me different canned goods, mostly beans. This is so nice! Now I have something to make fast when I don't have time. :D It was also packaged adorably, it was really awesome to get a parcel like this.

But in general I wanted to write about Christmas and an eating disorder. In the past it has been really difficult, because I always overeat. Christmas, then New Years... also work Christmas party. I KNOW I will overeat and get so many guilty feelings. It is difficult to deal with this. I always think before an event that I will take things calmly and have only as much as I feel comfortable having. But in reality it is not that simple. This is why I am kind of worried I might turn anorexia into bulimia. I feel like I need to everything and as much as possible, because what if I don't have it again. And then I eat and eat and eat until I am physically sick and get a stomach ache. Nothing helps. And in these situations I still keep thinking about food. Where is this logic? I don't know.

At the moment I am terrified of the work event - it will last 2 days. And after this it is almost Christmas. And next weekend I will have a couple of friends over for housewarming party. (While I am writing this post it is only Wednesday, work event is on Thursday and Friday, but I might mention it later.)

I can't say anything else except that I will try and eat normally. TRY. At the moment I am eating well, I am not skipping meals at least and I am trying not to compensate ahead. But this is difficult as well. I am trying to do the same thing I did in summer - tell myself that my ED is paused for now. Until the next year. Then we will reevaluate the situation. Like new year new me. Sometimes it works, but I still struggle a lot. I feel like I need to try all the foods, or I will regret it later etc.

In general things have kind of looked up recently, but also there are really bad occasions. Like... I generally feel a lot better. I have more energy, I am willing to do things and go places and stuff. But at the same time I am afraid that soon I don't need to gain weight anymore and I can't eat as much. Which makes no sense. My weight doesn't determine if I can eat or not. And even when my weight goes up to normal, I can still have chocolate, crisps, fruits, food - everything! And drinks.

Recently I have challenged liquid calories a lot. My friend brought me some Swedish Christmas drink, which is a bit like Coca Cola? But, well, with calories. But it tastes so good, I have had a little every night.

It is weird to be in my own flat. :D I often do the thing where I just sit comfortably in the livingroom, then get up and just walk through all the rooms and LOOK AROUND. :D Weird. I don't know when I will get over it. At the moment I still haven't gotten used to everything, but it is kind of awesome to discover my own home! I am looking forward to getting final pieces of furniture, it will be extra nice then. Hopefully during the weekend it will be done (it is done now, I am just late in translating this post).

Also I still haven't unpacked everything, I am too lazy. Actually I just need to sort out some bathroom stuff and put away some summer clothes, but I have this block at the moment. Instead I drag the suitcase with clothes from one corner of the room to the other corner of the room. :D

I occasionally watch TV. It usually doesn't have amazing shows, even though I have milion channels. It usually just plays in the background, but it is so nice to have a TV still.

I think I have told you when I had a long period of not wanting to go home after work. I just went to walk around in the stores and so on, I never went straight home. Now it is different. :D During the lunch already I start thinking about going home finally! And in general... I don't know, I just said I like doing stuff and meeting people, but at the same time I kind of want to have a few evenings at my own flat alone. Is it selfish? I don't know, I can't really put it into words. Maybe I should and tell someone that hey, I want my alone time, but I feel like I will get stuck at doing nothing?! Because usually I am either go-go-go or just exist without doing anything really.

I feel like I seriously struggle with self dicipline. I need to force myself to do things, and I am not always successful. And when I don't do anything and spend some time alone, I feel guilty. Even when people tell me that it is fine and they understand. Still!

I feel like I wrote avout Christmas presents just yesterday, but it was a year ago. And now it is Christmas again. This year I am making only few gifts for people, and surprisingly I have everything I need already. In the end it fel like the presents just came to me - I was walking around and saw things and thought that oh, this is for that person and that is for this person. Anyway, this is good. I am thinking about wrapping them up soon as well, then everything is done.

I am also wondering what I can have at the Christmas dinner at my Grandma's place. I bet the table is covered in meat and blood sausages... In Viljandi they don't have a store that would have vegan versions of blood sausages I think. I need to check. Last year I made them myself and they tasted really good, other people also tried them. But I don't know how this year will go. I want to take it easy and not deal with cooking to be honest. I guess I could do without as well, I'd have more salad (like my Grandma makes potato salad without the sausage now!), but I don't want others' comments. I am glad I haven't told my family and relatives about my full on vegan challenge yet... they would never stop ranting.

I think with this as well I will do what I can. Depending on the situation. If I face starving or insulting someone, I can make an exception. But in general I want to make more vegan-friendly choices and move towards showing everyone that veganism is possible and it is not restrictive. Anyway, yeah.

With the New Year's Eve I don't know what I will do. In the past I have been at home and maybe went out to see a friend or two for a couple of hours during midnight, but this year I haven't discussed it with anyone. But it will come and sooner than I think it is possible. Everything happens so fast recently. You will just blink and it is already 2021.

I wonder if I should write down some goals for 2021? I could try. Even though I know, how I will be able to fulfill them.

I just looked up that last year in December I made a list of 150 things I wanted to do. I think my next post will be about if I did them or not. :)

I have been thinking what I would like my first evening in my OWN FLAT to be. It has been in my mind for years and I have hoped that this time comes. And it did. It is now.

Actually right now (on Sunday evening) it is not my first evening here, but kind of is. Yesterday my parents were in Tallinn and just left around 9pm, because we had so much to do. But now, coming back to today.

I would like to have pizza. The proper takeaway one. And have some sparkling wine. Talk to someone, sit on the floor on the carpet and just be, listen to the music (for example right now Christmas songs are playing) and endoy the peace that comes with YOUR OWN HOME.

And this is what my roday is like. I am waiting for a mate and I have sparkling wine in the fridge. I have ordered two vegan pizzas and... I am smiling. I just discovered this. :D I have been super stressed out about  the pizza all day and I even wrote to my friend, asking if we are really going to order it (they said that if it is too difficult, we don't have to) but... as we can see, we are doing it. :D And I am smiling and looking at my small Christmas tree and at my big TV and I am thinking I am going to lit a candle soon.

Basically yesterday and moving day was SUPER difficult. My parents were supposed to come by 9 am and we had to take stuff downstares by this time already (moving from fifth floor to fifth floor is NOT FUN BTW). And then we had half of the bags and boxes downstairs, when my mum wrote that something is broken in the car. And that we cancel the moving. They were literally 30 kms away from Tallinn. My heart dropped and I felt like crying. We started to carry all the stuff back upstairs. And I thought that okay, I will take some things and still go to the new place, because I didn't want to waste the whole day. I looked at the bus times and got my things together and was about to go when my mum wrote, saying the car was fixed and they are coming. We just had to take the stuff downstairs AGAIN. I couldn't believe it!!!

With this, I would also like to say a big thank you to my friends who IMMEDIATELY contacted me and offered help. I cried a little and sent you some hearts. I felt a lot better.

Anyway, we still had to carry all the stuff. And it really felt like it will never be done. There were so many bags and boxes and I just have too much stuff! My home cleaning challenge was a big fat fail. :D In the end I just threw everything into bags and boxes. Honestly, moving is not as pretty and glamorous as movies make it out to seem! It's a trick!

We finally managed to get most of the things downstairs when my parents arrived. My dad started to load up the car and me, sister and mum carried rest of the things down as well. It took a loooong time.

Then we rested for a bit, made some coffee and headed to my new flat! I was really anxious, thinking that maybe my parents' don't like my new place, but they were really happy with my decision. It felt so good! As soon as we managed to get stuff upstairs (now it is Monday and my muscles are so sore. :D) we moved on and went to some furniture stores, because I had a goal to get a sofa. But it seemed to be impossible.

We went to several places, in one I already picked stuff out, but then something happened and we didn't get the things. Then we went to have some lunch and I had wrap with vegan kebab and it was AMAZING, honestly! Then after this we went to IKEA for a moment and then headed to Rug. And there I found the love of my life!

We picked a sofa out and at first it seemed that the corner is on the wrong side, but it could be changed! We had to drive to pick it up from the warehouse and they were already closed but someone was still there and waited for us, yay! :D It felt soooo good. Also got a TV and vacuum cleaner. Then we went back to my place, my parents started to carry the sofa upstairs and me and my sister went to buy food and other things.

We finally had some dinner, my parents set the sofa up and I did some unpacking. And then finally I spent my evening in the flat alone and just enjoyed being there, silence... I turned the TV on thought and it felt not so lonely. It was so nice.

And then it was Sunday. During the day I went to some stores with my best friend, got some things for the flat and stuff. Then I went home, went to see another flat with my sister and we are finally back to my pizza night challenge.

It was nice. Fantastic. Exactly how I imagined it to be. :D I got my pizza, I got my prosecco, I got my company. The TV was playing, we sort of watched it. Just enjoyed being. Went to see all the rooms several times. :D It was just so nice, sitting and talking. And then my friend was like, hey, can we see all the rooms one more time. It felt so nice. Like, someone is just as excited for me as I am?!

Anyway yes. Now on Monday morning while writing this I am thinking that all the calories were worth the perfect evening. And I don't know, I think I explained here how this flat seemed too good for me? Well, I am just genuinelt happy now!

I still need the new TV stand, I want a shelf and table. My dad is probably coming on Friday and then we can organize these things. :)

Also I will start with the new challenge. From the first of January I am trying to become full vegan, but starting from my move, I have decided not to buy any animal products at all. But if I go out or someone offers me something, I will still have milk and eggs. I will just generally try not to have them though. :D We shall see how it goes. Like yesterday it was 100% vegan day and I didn't feel like missing out at all, it was really cool.

So these are the recent stories from my. I am so excited. My weight had gone up, but I almost forgot it right away to be honest. :D

But anyway, time to have some fresh pastries and coffee at work!

I decided to start and write down all the vegan products I have tried this month. I hope the amount will grow over time.

YOSA vanilla-oat dessert

I thought I will pick vanilla flavoured one, even though it had some fruid ones as well. Someone actually recommended me these and they seemed good. But... I don't know. It tasted kind of sour and I didn't taste any vanilla. Texture was also weird, kind of weirdly stretchy? Reminded me of porridge, but wasn't as good. :D I ate it, but I wouldn't get it again. Even though I would kind of like to try the other flavours still. I would give it... 6/10. :D I can never give less points...

Alpro mango-soya yoghurt

I really liked this. It reminded me of normal yoghurt, it had mango pieces in it and I couldn't taste soya at all. I think soya in general is quite neutral and you can use it in many things. If someone had given this to me and not mention it was vegan, I wouldn't have known to be honest. I really liked that it had mango pieces in it. 7,5/10. Average, but good. I am not a big yoghurt fan, I pefer curd cream stuff, but this was really good.

Hummus dill flavoured crisps

I have tried hummus crisps before, but not with this flavour. And I really liked them! Probably one of my favourite kind of crisps now. :D It was nice and salty, I somehow had had enough of sweet suff and I wanted to try this. The package was big enough - not too much, but the perfect amount of crisps. The only minus is the price, but you can treat yourself sometimes. I would give it 8/10. I thought I liked tomato and basil ones the best, but I think these are actually even better.

Pasta sauce with soya mince

I made some sweet potato boats and I thought about having them with beans in tomato or chilli sauce, but I had been looking at this in the store for several times already, thinking I want to try it. It was really good and fit well with sweet potatoes. But I think I will use it as pasta sauce indeed in the future. Not the best soya mince I have had, but I will definitely add it to my menu. 6,5/10. I don't know, something was missing, but it was still good. Anyway, these are my points for it.

Tere oatmilk

I actually got this from the store only because it was on sale. But then I thought that it is good that I get to try it and support Estonian company. I am glad they have come out with milk alternative, it was a huge positive surprise! It has a light nutty taste and it is kind of sweet, I really love it. I have been buying it constantly and it is a part of my everyday. Perfect with coffee. I should try and froth it, but I have learned that plant milks don't really froth, unless they are barista ones. Anyway, for this I am definitely giving 9/10.

I have big plans for next month, because I am about to move. :D And then at some point I get to start the vegan challenge. I think I will have a much longer post with vegan products then. But with this, I am looking forward to receiving recommendations.

At the moment I feel like I have tried all possible yoghurt and dessert things, but I haven't found the best yet. Even though this mango yoghurt was really nice. But still. I really need some vegan product that is like curd cream, I love those! But we shall see, maybe I will find something interesting. 

Õõõõõh, I also wanted to rant about one Estonian blogger who wrote about dry fasting and how she did it. And why it made me feel upset. Like, I am too lazy to bring out the negatives and read research, but I just wanted to... yeah. I wanted to mention it annoyed me a lot. In general I don't read her blog, but I came across this post. Anyway, for me, as for someone who is suffering with and ED, this was bad. I really felt for her before, because she has had a past with disordered eating herself, but now this.

Like.... she is bringing out a lot of research and articles about why this is good and should be followed and how she is planning to dry fast every month from now on. I can't help but to be easily affected from diet culture and articles. And of course I thought that I should try it, she is bringing out all the good things. I felt like I need to follow her lead, do the same. And I don't know how detrimental this is to even younger followers of her or other people who suffer from and ED or disordered eating. Things like this... she should be more wary. 

I would like to write down my feelings regarding it better, but my emotions are a mess. It is difficult to put it in words. Also I don't feel like writing a reply post to her. In general I just wanted to mention how bad it is (for me). And now I am constantly thinking about it and it is bothering me a lot. I don't know. What do you say about it?

Another time I had lunch outside this weekend and this time we went to a restaurant called ÜLO. I have been wanting to go there for ages. Now in past few weeks this is third time eating out. It was a bit stressful, not gonna lie, but it was less so than past times. This is becoming normal and nothing to be scared of it seems.

Atmosphere

The restaurant itself is really nice. Quiet. There were a few other tables vesides us, but not too many. At the same time you couldn't hear what other people were talking about, so that is a plus. I don't really like places that are echo-y and it is difficult to talk.

Interior was nice and pretty. It really fit into the area it is located at. It was more important to eat and chat with my companion, so I can't really talk too much about the atmosphere. :D

Service

Again - really nice. It was fast and considering. Menus were brought to the table right away and the girl came and took our order soon eough.

Near us a lady dropped her wine glass and it was dealt with really fast and without any hassle. So this is a huge plus. :D The food came fast again. For example when we went to Commune Cafe, it had a lot of customers and we had to wait for quite a long time to be honest. But they warned us, so it was fine. :D Anyway, I really liked ÜLO.

Food

For the food we picked mushroom tacos and also sweet potato fries with kimchi.

Taco was amazing. Really good mix of tastes. Well, it wasn't too pretty to eat, but it is like that with tacos. :D Anyway, the tortilla was soft, so it made it a bit easier. Would have been even more messy with a hard shell.

And kimchi fries were okay. It also had some mayo on top and it was really good. The kimchi itself was more like sauerkraut, it didn't seem to have the right seasoning. Quite similar to the ones they have at Burger Box (where we also thought about going, but we planned for ÜLO this time).

To conclude, I was really happy with the food and I want to go back for sure.

I also wanted to write about not going to the gym for a whole week. I really didn't plan it, and I would have loved to go, but there were so many other things I had to do. I am regretting it a bit, but not because oh now I couldn't burn calories, but because I have paid for the whole month and it is makes no sense to not go. :D

Monday was fine, because it was the beginning of the week and I didn't have time. Instead I went home, made nice meal for me and my sister and enjoyed the evening as good as I could. First day in like a week and a half where I didn't do anything with anyone and didn't have any plans. It was nice. :D Sometimes I need this MY-time a little. And I needed to rest. Resting is something I am not really good at and I need to practice it more.

On Tuesday I went to a friend's place and we talked and watched some TV. It was a nice calm evening. Ah, we also had some mulled wine, because I made this small "pick me up" gift for them, because their situation has been a bit difficult recently.

On Wednesday I went to another friend's place and it was soooo nice. At work I had a tough day and it really helped me. Also her kid is waiting for "aunty Singe" all the time, so I couldn't not go. :D I also went to Kristiine shopping center for a bit to get some gifts, because it is Christmas soon! It is already December, that is crazy!

On Thursday I went to a friend's place again and we watched ELF. I had never seen it! And it was quite good. Not my favourite, but a nice watch still. :D I do understand now why people like it and why it seems that every human being on the planet earth has seen it.

And on Friday I went to visit a friend again. :D Actually I had a plan to go to the gym, but because of the circumstances, I had home office and also saw my doctor. And as I had a plan to visit someone, I was too tired to go to the gym on that day. Also, when I went to the doctor's, I got to do some walking anyway.

Anyway, to sum up - I didn't gain a ton of weight. It didn't matter that I didn't work out at all. I understood that in fact I don't have to do it. By the end of the week my thought about needing to go to the gym had disappeared. And on Saturday, when I went to the yoga class, it was just to feel good mentally. And I wanted to go, there were no eating disorder driven reasons.

Now it is Monday and I am feeling okay. My weight went a bit up again, but it was because me and my sister had a whole 500 gram pack of pistachio nuts and they were salty. And we also had some mulled wine. All this salt and water and stuff probably just added up, it won't exit your system as fast as you may think. I have FINALLY realised this. :D

And I am not really bothered by it. Things are going as they need to go and sometimes you just need to enjoy life. Also, it was our last evening together like this for I don't know how long, because yesterday I got the keys to my own flat!

I went to look over the flat and get the keys on Sunday and it was sooooo weird. I sat on the bed and just looked at the livingroom and I don't understand that this is now mine. For a week I am still staying with my sister, because I don't want to carry everything home by hand, but today I am going there, as some technician guy is coming to set up the internet. I also thought I will wash the floors, so it would be done. The flat is clean, so that is good. I don't need to do much else.

Now I need some furniture. On Saturday I went to IKEA and Masku with a friend, but I still didn't find a sofa I like D:. I don't know what to do. I NEED it. For the flat I in general need quite a bit of stuff. Sofa, table, some kind of shelf, new cupboard for the bathroom, TV... and there are a lot of things probably still.

I am so happy people have offered help and said that they are coming to carry my stuff if necessary. Someone even offered to help me out with a car, if the things fit. We shall see how this goes. Anyway, I am excited. I thought about adding some pictures here, but I will do that once I have settled in. Also, I want to show how cool lights I have and omg omg omg I am sooo excited.

So... FINALLY!

Even though we had a lot of pastires at work last week, I still thought I want to do a pastry challenge. It is the one I have been mentioning a lot but still haven't started up until now. I finally thought it is time to do it now.

Monday

Today was super difficult. Firstly, I only have Rimi store near me and I have talked about this. Like for example I checked their homepage for the calories of this pecan nut - maple sirup pastry I got. And my heart skipped a beat and I feel sick. In general I am really full from previous days and feeling really weird.

The pastry itself was very good. It was a bit oily, but I am not sure if it actually was or I only imagined that it was. I hope I imagined it. Anyway, this has a lot of fears in one - maple sirup, pastry, nuts. Name a more iconic combo, I will wait?

anyway yes, this was really difficult. Really-really-really difficult. Probably one of the hardest challenges I have ever done. :D But at the same time I feel like I don't really want pastries as much as I thought I did. Last week we ate so many at work and I don't crave for them anymore. But at the same time maybe this challenge is good to assure myself. Of course here the "more calories" comes into play as well. I will try and get over it, but damn, it is tough. Especially currently. If my body felt normal and I didn't feel as uncomfortable, it would be a lot easier. Oh well. Four more days!

Also I still want to continue with having desserts and... I don't know, everything at the moment feels too much. :S I don't know what else to say.

Tuesday

I thought for a long time about what to have today. And then I decided that I don't want a pastry. Like, at all. So of course I can say I failed the challenge. But at the same time... I just don't want them. For real, last week helped me get over it. When I went to stores in the past, I ALWAYS stopped at the pastry section and thought that I want this or that. But now yesterday I went to the store with the goal to get pastries, but I just FORGOT. This is the sign I don't crave them anymore.

I still thought I should do some kind of a challenge every day, in order not to fall back to my previous ways. So, I bought some bread. Or like, this sandwich that had a lot of mayo, cheese and grilled veggies in it. This has a story. I have been to this store so many times and I always pick it up, check the calories and then put it back on the shelf. Today morning I decided that it is enough and I will finally have it. A small win, but I really needed this. It was difficult, yes. My weight is still up, it hasn't gone back down as I hoped. I guess it is good, but I can't help but to feel too full. I just want to feel better. Like I physically feel so freaking uncomfortable and I don't know what to do to feel better. I don't remember feeling as awful in Tartu at the hospital. :D Anyway, I hope I am feeling better tomorrow, it is about time. :S

Wednesday

With eating this sandwich yesterday I made a discovery. I have previously written that I will never be able to go back to having just three regular meals and not have any snacks. Because I thought I will always feel hungry, right? But yesterday I had this sandwich and... then it was snack time and I didn't even feel like having it? I just... wasn't hungry? And then I got this thought about if regular people feel like this all the time? That it is okay not to have a snack? Is this how it is supposed to be? That a snack is necessary only when you wan't something and it is not to curb your hunger? Amazing!

So today I did a tough thing and picked pasta salad for lunch. It is so weird that every day I think that now I will start restricting, but the time has never come. :D This is kind of freeing. I can't really explain it. I am also getting used to the feeling of not being hungry all the time. I like feeling comfortable instead. I don't feel like I crave this feeling of hunger anymore. I told my friend and sister about it and they really laughed at me. :D I was also very surprised. This was a positive discovery.

It is still difficult not to check calories and there have been occasions they have affected my decisions. But with some things I know that they have more calories than my regular snack, but I still have had them without checking the exact amount. This actually works. And I think this has become a liiiitttle bit easier. Small changes, but after a while looking back I can see how fa I have become. 

Tomorrow we have some catered food at work. We got invitations to a meeting and my boss said not to have lunch on the day. I dunno what it will be, but I will follow the rules. I hope I am ready for this kind of thing.

With being spontaneous - it was huge for me to have a meal at Cafe St. Maria on Sunday. And today going to work I had this idea of what I wanted. But there were none left at the store. So I needed to decide on the spot. And like... I actually managed? I didn't put the pasta salad back several times and I didn't overthink it.

I still don't feel like having pastries. I looked at what they had, but... nothing felt good enough, so I didn't take anything. And I know this is not because of fear, I just don't WANT pastries and it is fine!

Thursday

Yesterday's pasta salad kept my energy up so I almost forgot my snack. But I still had a sanck and I fel good after it. Anyway, yes, every day I learn something new about myself.

But today... kind of failed. We had this really awesome catered food, a lot of snacks, a huge chocolate cake. And I had everything and several plates worth of. And after it I felt really shitty. But on those moments I get this "now or never" feeling and I just eat so much, as if there is no tomorrow. I don't know how else to explain it. It is just a weird situation and I feel realllyyy sooo awful now. And I am thinking that I had enough food for whole day now and I shouldn't have anything at night, not to mention snack. And this causes a lot of negative feelings and I just... feel so shitty. Like literally. There are so many bad thoughts in my head. I don't know what I can't just face these situations more easily.It has been like this always, why haven't I learned something?! Argh.

Tomorrow I am working from home, because someone is coming by to look over the pipes. And I am going to see my doctor as well. Should be an interesting day. At least it is Friday and on Sunday I am getting my flat keys. I am trying to focus on that instead. But I am still feeling awful. I am disappointed, angry with myself and in general feeling blergh. I want to go to yoga as well, but due to corona rules they only allow 9 people in one class and I missed registering. I want to run. I want to do something. I just... I don't know, today is not a good day. I want to go to sleep already and I want it to be tomorrow already so I could start fresh and do everything "right"...

Friday

Yesterday the whole day I felt extremely guilty, but at the same time I had things to do and this somehow helped. Today morning my weight had gone up again, but I knew it would so it didn't come as a huge shock. I can manage it.

My obsession is currently porridge with gingerbread seasoning. :D Like for real, I have had the EXACT same combo for two weeks at least and I still crave it. Sometimes I am thinking that uh, maybe I should have something else, but then I am like, if I crave for something, why shouldn't I have it? I guess there will be time when I want something else as well. Besides, soon I am moving and I can do my breakfast challenge.

Anyway, this pastry challenge was a fail. Or was it?

I could start this post in hundred different wats and complain about thousand different things. I could write about how weekend was really difficult for me and how I am feeling tortured and can't get over things. I could write about how I am doing and what I am thinking about. But weirdly enough for the first time I feel like I want to keep this to myself and I don't want to share it. I don't want to explain how my Saturday night went badly and how awful I am still feeling and how much guilt I have.

Today morning my weight was so big. I haven't seen this number in at least 5 years. This also showed weight gain of two kilos, which I know makes no sense, but made me really upset. But I still started (yes, I already started) this week's challenge. So on Friday I can tell you how it went.

But today I wanted to write about this cafe? Restaurant? called St. Maria, which used to have a different name.

I went there on Sunday with a friend to have lunch (it is still difficult to have lunch out) and it was a good experience. It was raining and we were walking, but this was on the way. And at first we only wanted to have coffee (which would have been okay), but we also decided to have some food.

Atmosphere

It was a quite small place, but it had ebough room. There were several people there at this time, a few bigger tables and then some others. I really liked how the room was used and they had those high tables on the sides of the rooms - perfect for two people.

The interior was dark and pretty. Dishes were mostly black (also, I finally picked up my parcels and got my black dishes!) and looked very stylish. Also the place was quite cozy, there were candles on the tables and it had some fairy lights. Anyway, really nice, adorable and quiet. You could look outside into the rain. Perfect place.

Also the waitress was really sweet, she asked if we had been there earlier and gettin no as an answer, she explained us the menu, brought out what is popular and so on.

Service

As I mentioned, the girl who was working, was really sweet and it seemed like she actually wanted to be there. It is always a plus - I am not in the mood to have food if a waitress or waiter acts as if I am just a troll wasting their time.

But yeah, she gave us good advice and explained everything. In addition to food I also had a coffee with coconut milk and it was really good and was delivered fast. Also, it was really nice that we didn't have to wait too long with ordering - everything was really perfect. :D

Food

I picked Padthai, which I had seen recommended in Estonian vegan group on Facebook soooooo many times. Even when the restaurant had another name, I already wanted to try it. Now finally I did.

I have never had it before, except for on time when I made it at home. It was a bit upsetting that it had peanuts there, but the taste combo was good and they fit perfectly.

My friend had green curry ramen and I tried it and it was really good as well. Nice and spicy. At first we both wanted kimchi ramen, but they had ran out of it. But well, it means we need to go back next time. :D I managed to go to Commune Cafe for the second time, maybe I can go there as well.

Also there are still sooooo many places I want to visit. Like Vegan V! This is highly recommended and I would like to support them, it is first of like... really popular and known vegan places in Tallinn. But I want to visit so many other places as well, it is really difficult to decide. :D

Anyway yeah, this having lunch thing went pretty well. I managed. Later I felt a bit awful, but the thought that I had food with someone else helped. It was normalllll and it is okayyyyy. I managed and that is enough.

Today is one of the most difficult days in general. And it is not helping that it is Monday. I don't like Mondays. Or Tuesdays. Or like in general I don't like the working week. My day is a bit better thanks to writing this post, it is my-time.

Last week I was really busy. There were so many things to do and there were no days when I went home after work. Today shoulf be one of those days and I actually feel really relieved finally. I feel like I was at the end of my nerves. It was especially bad on Saturday - I felt soooo worn out.

But yeah, I am trying to do my challenge this week and let's see, maybe I can manage and continue with the desserts. Even though I feel like I don't want to do anything and please just leave me alone. I just want to complain and cry, but at the same time I don't as well. Weird.

But... next week during the same time I have my own flat! And soon I can show everything I have bought! Yesterday I went and picked up the parcels. Soooo exciting. I showed everything to my sister already. :D Anyway yes, starting from 29th of November at 4 you can congratulate me. :D