As I moved to my own flat, I decided to celebrate it with a very few people. And I also wanted to do it in a vegan way, meaning I didn't have anything on the table that would have been not vegan.

Or a story about how I gained three kilograms in 24 hours. Overeating is the key.

A long time before the party I had planned to make pizza, chocolate cake and cookies, sushi and have some crisps, popcorn, fruit and vegetables with hummus.

On pizza I had paprica, mushrooms, corn, tomato paste and vegan cheese. It was really difficult to find the last ingredient. I went to several stores but no one had it. Finally I did find it though, so that was good. :D Before putting it on a pizza I tried it and smelled it and it seemed like the real thing! At first I was planning to make some other kind of savoury pastries and muffins, but I changed my mind and made pizza instead. Vegan pizzas are always good and they are really simple to make.

I made sushi with cucumber, avocado and paprica. I really like avocado sushi rolls! Many times I am meeting with my friends we get a takeaway sushi and everyone have really liked it. So I wanted to make it myself too.

Of course I had prepared some pickled ginger, because no proper sushi should be eaten without it. :D I really don't understand people wgo don't dip their sushi in soy sauce or don't have ginger! I always have the extra ginger after eating sushi as well, because I just love it so much. I am addicted. :D

Vegetables with hummus was also elementary. Usually I would have offered them with some kind of dip, but I didn't find vegan dip and my love for hummus has grown a lot recently.

From crisps I had some kind of Korean BBQ flavoured oat crisps, then I wanted to try some vegan bacon crisps and I also offered some BBQ tortilla crisps as well. I also got some butter popcorn, which actually didn't have butter in it. :D 

Cookies recipe I found from instagram and they came out really amazing. The chocolate cake I had tried on my coworkers and they liked it. It was good that I tried to make the same thing before - it was a bit dry and I cooked it a little less this time.

From fruits I had grapes, melon, clementines and apples. Nice and easy. I thought for a while if I should make a fruit salad or just lay them on the plate and decided on the last one. :D Anyone can mix them together.

I was surprised at how many savoury snacks I had. I would have liked some more vegan cheese, but I couldn't find the Sheese company ones, with caramellised onion.

Anyway, I do think I had enough things.

I was a bit stressed because on the next day my sister's friend had a birthday party and I was also invited. And we had sushi. It is difficult for me to have a big meal several days in a row. So this was a challenge. But I managed and I think that all in all I did well.

Now I am feeling a bit aweful, but I am trying to manage. Soon it is Christmas and eating continues. Today morning I really wanted to skip the breakfast and now have anything for lunch either, because my weight had gone up by so much and I had had too much food. But at the same time I did feel a bit hungry so I had porridge. I will see how I am feeling during the day, but I will try and have a proper meal. I have understood that I am more likely to overeat when I restrict beforehand. If I eat properly all the time, maybe it won't happen? Anyway, I thought that is is new week and new beginnings and I will try to be mindful and better.

Also I don't know what to think about this overeating. I am not eating unhealthy stuff, it is just the amount of food I am having. And I just don't get rid of the food in my system really fast. Anyway, I don't know. I will try and balance stuff out more.

It is difficult to talk about this topic, if I am completely honest. I had my psychologist appointment on Friday and I told her stuff, but she didn't really offer anything back. I mean, she is not a professional in this area, but I noticed she wrote down quite a bit when I talked about it. So I can only guess she was a bit worried by what I said. It also causes some panic for myself. I need to repeat though, that even though the weight has gone up, I don't feel as guilty as I used to. Like, it is just that kind of time. December always has a lot of food and things will normalize soon.

I haven't really talked about body checking, but this is really common thing in eating disorder recovery. Anyway, lately there have been so many changes in my body and I keep noticing it. I have several mirrors in my bedroom and whenever I change clothes, I can see that I have gotten bigger. At the same time I know I still need to gain like 8 kilos, to be of normal weight, and I shouldn't worry at all. But it is easier said than done.

Anyway, I think I feel some relief after writing this down here. It has been really tough to write this post - I have so many things going around in my head. I feel like some people who are reading this don't really understand how awful this situation is. But oh well. I don't know how to express myself better. Anyway, I feel really anxious all the time recently and this recovery thing gets bigger and scaried by day. I get these weird anxiety shakes again. It means my body turns really cold and then really hot and it feels awful. I feel so uncomfortable and I feel sick and my head starts to spin a lot. At some point I got rid of it, but it was when my weight was super low. I didn't have any emotions then, including anxiety. Now things are starting to come back and I feel super restless and awful.

Sometimes I think that I wish I could cry a little, maybe I would feel better then. But there just aren't any tears. Last weekend I had some sort of a breakdown and I did cry. It was not nice, but I felt somehow really human then. At the moment I just feel really... dry. :D Like a twisted towel or something, I don't really know what is dry haha :D

I did think that maybe I should blog about what I eat in a week and mark down emotions as well. Maybe I would get a better control like this? I don't know, maybe I will write stuff down just for myself. Maybe I can guide myself better like this. At the moment I have had a proper breakfast and I feel really full again, it is uncomfortable. But I guess it is because I still haven't digested all of the sushi I had. ARGH, this topic and worry just really upsets me. I wish I could see my psychologist again, but in Tartu, because they know more about eating disorders and it would be nice to hear what they tell me.

I don't know. I just don't know. It is difficult. Both mentally and physically.

It is cool that I asked my mum if I can make mushroom Wellington to take to my Grandma's for Christmas. I found a really nice recipe on this one Estonian site. And she said that of course. It seems really tasty and I am really excited. It didn't seem that complicated and does look very tasty. But I will leave thyme out, because I just really hate it. :D

I will warn you that now on 25th I am not going to post. Because holidays and all that. I will later of course cover everything I missed and will tell you how I felt and am feeling. But yeah. I will have a complete day off. :D Even though I really like blogging and it is easy to do... maybe there will be a post. :D But don't worry, if there isn't going to be one.

I am glad that people actually came to my small celebration. It was nice. At first I was quite stressed, worrying over if people had enough things to talk about and maybe it will be boring and uncomfortable. But it was really nice. I will try and focus on this aspect.

I will have another small gathering in the beginning of next year, because I didn't want to have too many people over at once. I think I would like to play some table games and just chat. I feel like I could use that kind of an evening during these dark times. Also, my friends have a lot of cool games.

In connection with this, do you have any games you recommend? My favourite is probably Dixit, but I also like the kind of games that help you get to know people better. At the same time I absolutely hate card games and I usually just watch them when others are playing. :D I do like strategy games, vut it usually takes a long time to understand those.

Finally, here is a picture of mister Motu, who was really a baby on the next day from meeting the friends, even though he got a lot of attention from everyone. Anyway, he has been really sweet and I wonder if he knows I am having hard time? Whenever I sit down on the sofa he comes to me and rubs his cheek against mine, as if to say "hey Signe, don't worry, you have me. Whatever comes, comes". My sweet little baby.

It was so weird to go to my sister's place yesterday, becayse there was no Motu. :D Now it would be cool if you could clone a cat - he is worth it. My sister also said it was difficult for her to leave my place. And it was difficult for me yesterday.

But there are some exciting things coming for her as well, as she has finally found a flat and is probably going to move in the beginning of January. And what is the best - her flat is 15 minute walk away from mine! So it won't be trouble visiting each other.

Anyway, if this is my last post before next Monday and after Christmas you won't hear about me, happy holidays! I hope that despite everything the holidays will be nice and sweet and awesome and I hope you can still spend some time with friends and relatives. I am planning to go home to my parents and visit Grandma, but I am being careful and watching my health. Me and my family are trying to do everyting as normally as we can.

Happy Christmas!