I have been staring at the blank screen for hours. And I have been thinking. Thinking about what to write, where to begin, what to do. Because I think I am afraid of writing this post. It is difficult.



On the weekend we celebrated my birthday. It brought a lot of overwating. I have never felt as bad physically from food. And now, a few days after, it is still difficult to deal with it. Also there are some meetings that involve food coming.

But okay. I didn't want to stop on this topic. Even though I could. I could explain my emotions and describe how difficult it is and how much I am hurting.

Before my birthday celebration I had to face the truth that my weight has gone down again. And I can't help but to feel happy about it. Or like, maybe not, but it makes my mood better. It makes me feel good. There is nothing else in the world except for numbers that are addictive.

And I don't know what to do. Should I keep trying, change the situation around and start gaining weight (I am sure that my alphabet challenge will help) or... contact the hospital again. My weight is not back to pre-hospital or after hospital level, but I can still see a trend of it going down. And I don't really want to admit that. I could have written here that everything is going well and things are amazing. I was so close to doinf that. But the things arent that great... and I don't know. It is just hard. Every day is still a fight and I can't fight with my head anymore. That's why I am thinking that maybe it would be better to go back to the hospital... maybe I shoul go. Maybe I can't do this on my own.

But this maybe is bothering me. I want to show myself that I can do it, that I have goals that I have set for myself. Anyway, I am really confused and am trying to make any sense of this whole situation.

I just had 1,5 week holiday from work, but now back to the office it is. This causes a lot of additional stress. I have gotten used to being at home. It is difficult to go back to your regular rhythm. But after the hospital it would be even MORE difficult. I don't want to force my coworkers handling my stuff for months again.

Thus I am giving myself just one more opportunity. But this is the last one. And as the goal date I am setting 26.06, as this is my next doctor's appointment. I think this would be acceptable. If I am still at the same spot mentally and physically then, there is no second chance and I am going back to the hospital. I promise.

About my birthday - something good also happened. For example my relative gave me a book and socks with cats! From a friend I got a book with joining points, and it is astrology themed, which is super cool. And from my family I got a multicooker! I have been wanting this for forever. Also about this - if someone has any good recipes, please let me know. I really want to test it out already. It is super weird that you can actually make bread and yoghurt with it as well! I will definitely update you.

From today I am making this new 3 letter challenge, so I hope to post about it soon, but we shall see. I hope that I have time, despite all the social events I have to attend this week. :D Anyway there will be a new post soon.

At least I have a goal now.