I decided to be super brave and took a day to have all three of the snacks.

With letter D, it was dark chocolate. I had one that I already had at home - blackcurrant yoghurt filled one and... it wasn't good. Which usually makes me upset and gives me a feeling that I have wasted calories. But at the same time this chocolate I have had for a while and maybe the taste wasn't as good because of it. I think I liked it more when I first tried it anyway. But all in all, I wanted to say that if I hadn't tried it, I wouldn't know if I liked it or not.



With E, it was eggs. I made omelette for me and my sister and I usually have 2 eggs per person. This time I had 3. I also didn't hold myself back with sundried tomatoes and cheese (even thought ma eating disorder wanted to. I constantly got these thoughts of "add less sundried tomatoes. Add less cheese" and so on).

Omelette for lunch was really good actually, and I also had some fresh stuff on the side. This is what I am going to miss when going back to the office - can't have fresh lunches. At the same time I wondered if it would be acceptable to make overnight oats as my lunches, because I am a fan of porridge... :D



With F, it was French toast. Toast that has been dipped into milk-egg-sugar-cinnamon mixture and then fried up. I wish I had fried them a bit longer, as they weren't too toasty, but I was so eager to have them. But it wasn't too good...



Anyway, having this was really really difficult for me and made me really upset. I at least think it was the reason I had 45 minute cry session after eating it (oh this glamourous sickness, right?). I served it with rasberries and it was okay, but... not what I hoped for. Again had this wasteful feeling that didn't go away all day.

Anyway, this post is a bit too negative. But these challenges are hard and I knew they were going to be when I set up this one. This was kind of the idea, right. :D

I am having even more negative emotions about the next week. Especially due to this extra fat ice cream and hot chocolate. I think I can handle gummies. At least my sister agreed to have ice cream with me, so this is good. I am alone with the hot chocolate, though.

Last week I also set myself three goals, which I wanted to fulfil this week. First one of them were comparing the portion sizes. I still haven't been able to let it go, because it is so... coded into my brain. But I think the second goal about serving food has actually gone well. Definitely better than before. I really tried to serve same portions sizes and didn't give in to the feeling of having a little less. If anything, I had a little MORE. And I am kind of proud.

My third goal was unfollowing triggering accounts in social media. This I didn't do. As I don't follow people who give me negative emotions or make me think about diet culture. I have followed some users, but have discovered them being triggering and then unfollowed them immediately. So yeah, I kind of followed through with this goal. I want to set some goals for the next week as well. Three would be perfect, but we shall see.

So during the next week I:

1. Don't compare mine and my sister's food portion sizes or in general what we are having. Same as last week. I can't compare. She is she and I am me.

2. I will fight the urge to not have snacks and pick lesser calorie food options. Even now I am getting these thoughts that "oh, when you go back to the office, you can only have some fresh salads for lunch". No. I can't do this. I know I am afriad of weight gain, but I NEED it. Jesus fucking hell Signe, please understand this. There is a little over a month to go until my psychiatrist appointment, but I need to start making some progress, if I don't want to go back to the clinic. I need to remind myself more often.

3. I will put myself into at least one unexpected situation. Let is be food out of the ordinary or something additional to my normal snacks and meals. I want to try at least, as this is really difficult for me right now. For example right now, the moment I am writing this post, I am having a nice hangout with my friends, but unexpected food that will be there is causing me a lot of stress. So I am already tackling this goal, kind of. I just hope I can manage, even though I am feeling quite shitty and am unable to focus.


I wanted to write avout regret.

During these moments my decisions have been affected my eating disorder and I did the best I could. But now, several months later, I am getting the emotions of regret. I regret I didn't try bubble tea when I was in Japan. That I didn't have coffee with syrum. That I didn't try as sweet coffee drink from the venging machine. That I didn't have the donut my friend got us. I regret these moments so much and I would give a lot to go back to these situations and change my behaviour. But at the same time during these moments I was fine and I did kind of follow them - I took sakura latte at Starbucks, I had sweets, I tried different drinks. So this regret is not huge, but I still think I could have done some things differently.

I regret that I didn't have birthday kringel at work. That I didn't take a piece of chocolate someone offered me. That I didn't decide to have cake at work, when everyone else did. That I didn't add enough milk to my coffee to make it tastier. I regret so many small and basic things that are just not worth it. Maybe I should set another goal for myself:

4. Think about if I regretted it later, if I didn't do something. And do it then. Usually I regret eating something later, not not eating. But if I set this kind of goal, if I wondered if I regretted not having something later...? I don't know. Everything I have just written down souns so weird and confusing, but I don't know how to express myself better currently.

Anyway, new week and bew beginnings. (I think I will start considering new week already from Saturday... adn then we shall see how I am doing. :))