With the letter A I had avocado. I thought about having it with toast, but instead it was sushi with avocado that I had. Me and my sister were celebrating my bithday and we had a takeaway. This combined several difficult things for me - food that I didn't cook myself, avocado, and it also had a lot of cream cheese, which is scary as well.



The second letter was B with a banana. And it was surprisingly difficult to eat. As I know it has quite a lot of calories. But at the same time having just a banana was also good. I really used to like green bananas, but at the moment I really like it when they are super ripe and brown. These are also the best in the porridge.



For C I had cereal with milk. I mixed Cini Minis and Cookie Crisps and had a proper bowl. With cereal, I could eat it for forever, I would never get full on them. So I usually have them as a snack not as a main meal. Because I need something more filling as a main. But at the same time, if you like cereal as a breakfast, go for it!



Something else I wanted to talk about, is comparisons. I compare everything to my sister, because we live together. How much we eat. Id we have snacks. If I have something, I have to make sure she also has something. Which is absurd, as she doesn't need to gain weight. She doesn't need to follow meal times on point. She can have food and snacks when she wants to. When her body wants to. I asked her, how she is able to do it so easily. How doesn't these things take up a lot of her brain power. How can she have a snack and not think about having "too much" later. And she didn't know how to answer. She just said that she doesn't get these kind of thoughts that are torturing me. Also I have been worried about my eating affecting her as well, but until now it hasn't luckily happened. I would never forgive myself if I fucked up her. I don't want this disorder for anyone.

Also I have noticed that when we have something together (for example some chips, which are a must have for our movie nights), I always make sure to follow her when she takes a chip. Like I can't have too many, I will have one exactly when she does. This control and comparison is constant. This drives me mad. Also comparing foods, portion sizes... even when I go out to eat and have something completely different than my companion. I still compare. Estimate calories.

Also I compare myself to other people with eating disorders, which sucks. I want to be like them. Gain weight like them. Get better like them. But then it appears what is healthy for me isn't necessarily for others. And the other way around. People are really different, you can't just compare everyone. For example running for someone may be good and healthy, but for me, it isn't so right now. If my friend goes running after work, it doesn't mean that I have to do the same. People don't dress the same for example. Why would I compare?

Also this comparison somewhy also stems from social media for sure. But people upload just a moment of their life. You don't know what is behind one thing or another. When I was at the hospital we talked about comparison for a bit and discussed unfollowing people who make you feel bad. And then you can follow them again, when you get to a better place.

Healthy is different for everyone.

For example some people don't have breakfast. It doesn't mean that I also shouldn't have it. It means nothing. For me it is necessary. We have different paths, we have different lives, we have different needs. And what really sucks is that I can write it down and think about it, but I still can't stop comparisons. This is almost like a reflex. One that I need to get over.

It is like... let's say you are going sledding. It is easy to pick a path that has already been followed. And when you change your thoughts, it means to take a new path. And it is difficult at first. Sled wants to go back to the previous path. But once you have done the other one for a few times, it gets easier. And it will, that I am sure of, as I have done this with some things. And finally it snows again and the old path is no more.

I don't know if any of it even makes sense, but anyway. I wanted to write down three goals for myself for the nect week:

1. I am not comparing my eating with my sister's, especially having snacks.
2. I am not comparing my portion sizes with others and I serve food up on equal amounts to me and my sister, even though my eating disorder always says to have a little less.
3. I unfollow accounts on instagram/social media, if they make me compare myself to them.

Next week I shall see how I have been doing and if it has helped me. I feel really motivated currently, but we shall see. :D Can't lose hope.

Today at this very moment I am writing this post is 13th of May and it is my birthday. I want to take it as a new beginning. Another restart. Last one similar was my Japan trip, but now I know I am not doing enough and I need to do it. I don't want to start my 27th year on earth in such a bad place.

For example me and my sister had this takeaway sushi and even though I knew having this and a drink was going to be "too much" I still had all my snacks. And this is a small victory.

On the weekend we are going home to my parents' place and I know this will be a challenge. I have been feeling really stressed, but what can I do. It just needs to be done. I want to take one day at the time - if I can't do this, then one moment at the time. One hour at the time. Use the attitude that once it's in it's in. No need to think about it. I want to enjoy my birthdays in the future. I want to live life. I want to eat to live, not live to eat!

But I know it will be hard.