Life with braces sucks. A lot. I had my dentis appointment last week and they put something behind my first two teeth and now I also need to wear some elastic things - they will help my teeth to touch correctly on the sides. And this is soooo awful. Also I need to physically hold my jaw differently to bite properly. My jaw is under pressure and eating is entirely impossible - my teeth on the sides just don't touch. Also I have broken several elastics within the first day already. I hope I will get used to it, because I need to wear them at least until 11th of August. So all summer it will be really difficult. At first my dentist said that this step will come at the end of summer, but they did it now.
Also this cost a lot, 110 euros. :( Anyway, yeah, it is very uncomfortable. And difficult as well, especially because eating is a struggle anyway. For example after my appointment, for dinner I had sweet potato that was really soft. And I kid you now, I ate it for a full hour! Depressing. I just need to have something softer/more liquid, but who wants to do that anyway? Soft foods and smoothies and stuff is not filling for me. To be satisfied, I need to chew something. So yeah, I don't know. Maybe I will take the elastics out for mealtimes and try it like this. Maybe it is better like that. My dentist said that everyone needs to go through this but it is not helping. It is soooo so super uncomfy. And I thought it was difficult until now! At least after this period, it should get easier. I cannot wait. At the moment I think I have had braces for about 4 months...? Maybe a bit more. So quite a bit from 1,5 years she predicted (and I really hope I don't have to wear them for longer).
What I also wanted to talk about is midsummer day. In Estonia we usually celebrate it with family or friends and have a BBQ, but I spent this year alone. I felt a bit guilty for not going to my parents' place with my sister, but all in all... I really needed this time alone. I made a proper meal and also had a lot of sweet stuff. :D I was good. Even though it was difficult.
Also this was my first completely vegan midsummer day. I used Bon Soya BBQ sausages, which are in my opinion really similar to just normal sausages. And for stuffing the mushrooms, I used vegan Violife cheese slices. It tasted amazing. Also I had some peanut butter ice cream and strawberries and finished of the night with around a kilo of watermelon. :D So I had a lot of food and more.
I am thinking that maybe there is a small part of me that was afriad of going to Viljandi due to the amount of food I would have had. In Tallinn I also had a bit too much food, but I think it was less than I would have had at home. I feel a bit weird - I can't trust myself. I want to say that yes, I wanted to be alone (and I did!), but maybe there was a small part of me that thought that. Anyway, it is what it is, I can't change it now.
My sister is still at my parents' place so I have been spending more time alone. I have done well. We also have a deal with her - I am sending pictures of all of my meals and snacks. This makes me responsible and helps to avoid relapse.
For some days now my weight has been steadily going up, so whatever I am doing is working. I also saw my psychologist last week and I could tell her a lot of stuff. I still can't say it was therapy, more like a consultation with a psychologist, but I have a feeling it was helpful. I used up an entire hour and told her about everything. About braces, work, eating and so on. Today I am also going to see my psychiatrist, even though I have no idea what I am supposed to tell him. I feel like it is unnecessary, but at the same time I find I should see him every month. To see how I am doing. But I still saw the psychologist just a few days ago and I don't know if they are exchanging what I talked about or... should I just tell him the same things?
I told my psychologist a lot of the stuff I have written down here on my blog. She especially liked my rant about commitment versus motivation. I also told her about my small challenges. And we also talked a lot about my Tartu experience and how it was there. I also told her that if I ever am going to relapse, I will voluntarily go to the hospital.
As my alphabet challenge is coming to an end, I need to come up with something new. Oh, me and my friend are going to do five tibetan yoga challenge. We are starting on the first of July. I am not really sure what it is about, but there is more information regarding it here. And we are planning to stick with it for 100 days. And if we miss a day, we need to start again from the beginning. Let's see, which one of us finishes first. :D
Anyway, if anyone has any recommendations of things to try (it can be challenges or anything else really), just let me know. My door is always open. Write it in the comments, tell me on instagram or twitter, whatever you find comfortable. For example someone recommended me a milk under last post and I am going to try it! This kind of small things are really important to me.
Regarding milk - tomorrow there is an event to try Estonian made plant milks which I am going to attend, as my friend asked me to go. Seems like something really cool!
Things that I didn't think were difficult, were much tougher than the things I thought will be. There was a huge difference between this week and last week.
S was for salmon. I got something in mango-chilli marinade and with this I had cottage cheese salad and some green beans. The portion was huge. And salmon... I know it is healthy. But at the same time "there is a lot of fat in salmon, salmon is a very fatty fish and so on" was still stuck in my head when I ate it. At the same time it has been my safe food - but only when my mum makes it. It was different when I made it. But it tasted super good and I already thought that I shall try it again. Use different marinades. Or add dill and butter on it like my mum often does... so I hope I will be able to repeat this challenge. At first I thought I will try making the salmon in my multicooker, but in the end I decided on the oven and I think it was a good call. With multicooker, there are more steaming programs and such, but I wanted to bake it. But who knows, I might try this out as well at some point. Because I need to repeat the challenges.
Next was T as in tofu and U as in udon noodles. This was the most difficult. It didn't matter that I had had udon in Japan, it was still tough. But the food came out sooo well. I added moodles, miso paste, some Korean chilli paste, mushrooms and tofu. Oh, and I also added some nori (seaweed). I was really surprised at how good exactly it was! And my sister, who doesn't like miso, also approved of it. Also I got a bigger pack of udon so I can make it again... maybe based on Korean chilli paste, to have a spicy broth. Or I can try something completely different. Anyway, why this was difficult, was because of the noodles. I really felt as if it was too much. And then I got the thoughts about why do I add tofu AS WELL, I could skip it. Use more mushrooms and other vegetables. But no, I didn't do that. Because actually I really like tofu. I like the texture and it really flavours well. What I also wanted to say is that... it looked good. :D It wasn't just any noodle soup, it was like a proper restaurant dish. :D I have never gotten more feedback on instagram for my story. :D
So this was all in all a good challenge. It made me try new recipes and also let other people know of new stuff I am cooking.
I am a bit afraid of my new, eating out, challenge. In regards with that - do anyone want to go and have a meal with me? I am too poor to buy you food, but I will be a good company. :D
Now for the last week there are three more letters - V, W and Z. These will be more difficult, because most of the things recently have been main meals and I have had this food with my sister. These all now, okay, except for Z, are snacks thay my sister won't be having. So yeah, this is a bit more diffiult. But at the same time, challengeeee!
I have been listening to some Estonian podcasts, but with this, if there are any podcasts you recomment, please let me know. Or any specific episodes of some podcasts. I am really open to listening to anything.
There was a time I thought recording a podcast would be something cool to do. Just to talk, as I am doing here. Or read the posts out loud. For people who are too lazy to read and would prefer listening. But I am not a guru or an influencer so I won't be doing that. :D
As per usual, I also wanted to touch upon last week's goal, which was trying a product I have been to scared of trying. And for that I came up with several things. For example some vegan patties. I am happy to say that I tried some. It didn't matter that it had "too much" calories! I am really proud. And they also tasted amazing. They weren't the scariest ones I could have picked, but it was still a start.
In addition I thought that on one day I would have a different snack which would be... a pastry. I have been wanting poppy seed pastry from the time I was at the hospital and my relative had it, but I was too scared. And I still haven't tried it until now. On one day I was walking around in a store and I saw some poppy seed breads. It was sad that I couldn't find out it's CALORIES. Which brings me to this - it is good! I would like to estimate how many calories it had, to know if it is okay to have as a snack, but I shouldn't do it, so this is a double challenge. Today, when I am writing this post, it is still Monday and as soon as I try it, I will let you know if this is as amazing as I am hoping. We shall see.
I also thought about some new goals/challenges for the week. I still want to continue with having four snacks, as this I feel is the most necessary thing. And it is good to know that I CAN have more food than just three meals and three snacks. It kind of limited me until now.
Next week I will try:
pick something at the store without checking it's calories. And eat it and not checking them. It should help me pick something I WANT to have. I hope I will manage. :D We shall see. You will soon know how I did.
eat breakfast cereal with regular/higher calorie milk. I have this weird habit that I can only have them with almond milk, which as less calories than most other milks. Yeah, muesli with almond milk is good, but I don't want to have almond milk just because it has less calories. I want to not even pay attention to which milk I am using. I want to pick my milk for the taste, not calories!
eat or drink something outside. I mean having something while out and about. Like having a pastry and eating it on my wat home. Or maybe I will finally go and have bubble tea. Or having coffee with someone and eating a pastry with it. I don't know if I am ready for it, but if I don't do it now, I feel like I won't ever do it. And this sucks.
try and sell or give away my clothes that are too small. Because what does it give me? As I have mentioned, I want to buy clothes for my body, not have a body for my clothes!
I also wondered what else to talk about. On some days I have more food during meals and more snacks. And I have discovered that actually on those days I am hungrier. Like, the more I eat the HUNGRIER I am? I don't understand this. But anyway...
Regarding hunger. This is normal. Especially when you are recovering. Because well... imagine a situation where you are with your friend and you are holding your breath while they are not. Then, when you finally breathe, you start gasping for air. They won't do that.
What can we see here? Your friend eats normally. You restrict and avoid things. When you finally let yourself eat, you will eat a LOT. You need more food as you have been restricting for so long. It is like with air - you need more air if you have been holding your breath.
I hope you can understand what I want to say here. Because to me it sounds really logical. A person next to you - they don't have an eating disorder, they don't feel as hungry and they can live normally. They don't need to gain weight. It also shows how MUCH you really need to eat to gain weight. Anyway, I feel like this way of thinking is helping me a lot.
I wanted to talk about this aspect of my life where my mind seems to be really slow and sluggish. I keep repeating things and at the same time I keep forgetting stuff. At first I didn't even notice it, but my best friend told this to me and now I have learned it is true and also quite serious. Someone can tell me about something in great detail and before they are finished, I may already have forgotten the beginning. I need to put in constant effort to remember stuff. It is difficult to notice things and my thoughts are really "jumpy". Sometimes I don't even notice that I am thinking of something not connected to the topic at hand and then suddenly I realise I am in the meeding and need to pay attention. And it is all connected to an eating disorder.
There may be serious effects on your brain because you are eating too little. When I was in treatment, I got several MRI scans made for my brain (and I luckily don't have any issues). I mean brain atrophy. Brain atrophy means the shrinking of gray mass in your brain. And this is scary. It seems to be the scariest consequence I have ever learned about.
I can say that my brain seems to function really slowly. Things that are not connected to eating or food are forgotten really easily. It makes not sense but it is so.
Still, I want to say that this condition can be reversed. Several studies have shown that it is so. But the time on when it is reversed has not been made sure as of yet. But at the same time within few weeks to several months, if one is gaining weight, there can be improvement seen in brain size.
Anyway, this is so fucking scary. And even though my brain is complerely healthy, just knowing the FACT of what could happen, has been in my mind. It is unfortunate there aren't many articles about this situation in regards with an eating disorder in Estonian. I want to add that symptoms of brain atrophy are for example dementia, seizures and difficulties in understanding a language or speaking. If this is not something to motivate you getting better, I don't know what is.
Anyway, I have noticed on my side that it is easier to pay attention to things, when I have just eaten something or I am full from my meal. It also helps to snack on something sweet, so now when someone is offering sweets during a meeting, I will always have some. Yeah, it may happen that I will feel guilty and it doesn't let me concentrate, but I still understand things better.
Within last weeks I have been really good and have followed my three meals and four snacks regimen. And I think this is seriouslt helping. I don't know if I really remember things better or I just pay more attention to remembering, but it has become a lot easier. Sometimes I can even concentrate on something for a longer period of time. I can also discuss more difficult things, not connected to eating. And this is really positive.
Also another negative thing that is not connected to a brain, but is connected to an eating disorder - I find it difficult to find topics to talk about with people. It has become a bit easier recently, as I can talk about more than just food, but there is still a lot of food thoughts in my mind. But at the same time something happened the other day, which I thought never will - someone sent me some recipes and I ABSOLUTELY didn't care. I have spent a lot of my time googling recipes and just checking stores' home pages. But at this moment... I didn't care. I was thinking about something completely different. And at that moment I was actually kind of irritated that someone spammed me with food messages. :D Later I of course checked them out and they were really interesting, but at that moment... I could put my finger on the fact that I didn't care about food and this was so nice. It showed me that I can focus on something else as well! These kind of small things are really interesting to analyze later. I feel hopeful.
It is difficult to let go of my weight number. It was bigger than yesterday today morning and even though I am COMMITED to gaining weight and it needs to go up, I still got a lot of negative emotions. Even though on the weekend I went to some stores and tried on some clothes and I noticed once again how ugly and skinny I am. But this freaking number... it is just stuck in my head. And it annoys me greatly.
I also wanted to write something brighter - I tried to make this dalgona coffee from tiktok! I aslo thought I will write down how I made it.
Recipe:
Firstly I took some ice cubes and filled a glass with them, pouring some Nemoloko matcha oatmilk on them. Then on another bowl I mixed up a tablespoon of instant coffee, two tablespoons of hot water and one teaspoon of sugar. I got a milk frother from a friend and used this to make it all frothy. And then I poured it over molk. I mixed it up a little and drank it - and it tasted so good! I really recommend. Also, if you don't want to make dalgona coffee, I highly recommend matcha oatmilk for just iced coffee. I am obsessed with it. Also if you don't like matcha, you can just make this coffee with regular milk. But I tried it with that this time. It also looked great.
This week will be more difficult than usual weeks, because it is midsummer day. My sister is going to my parents' place, but I decided not to go this year. Also it would be annoying to go all the way to the other side of Estonia on one day and then come back the next. So I thought I will save myself from the stress and spend the midsummer alone or with someone if someone is up to doing something. :) It is just a regular day after all.
It is just a bit difficult to be out of the routine. But at the same time it is good. I feel like there is so much pressure on me that these few days off are well deserved. Also right after the midsummer day I have dentist appointment as well as psychologist appointment.
I also completed my alphabet challenge next letters this weekend, but I will write about this on Friday as is the rule.
What else... a few people have contacted me about reading my blog and I just wanted to say - thank you. Thank you for taking these few moments out of your day to see what I have to say. Thank you for leaving me a comment or contacting me on Instagram or Facebook. I am really sorry if you are suffering from the same thing... but maybe I can show you that things may get better. I have never believed in myself as much as I do right now. I have finally understood things. And also - if you think I can help you somehow, just let me know. This is my goal. To share information and help.
New week and new challenge. Today, the time I start to write this post, it is Tuesday and it is P day, meaning pizza. As I mentioned, we are ordering from a place called Mega Hea Pizza (Mega Good Pizza).
I have been really stressing over it. Starting from having my sister check out the menu a week ago to figure out what exactly we want, until planning ahead at what time and how we are going to go and order it. I am also thinking that I should skip snacks, because pizza is a lot. But no, not going to do that. Time is passing and I need to make progress. Since I got this weird calm feeling, I have been really good! I mean, things have been hard. I have a lot of guilt. But... I guess I have become better at handling it and I am feeling happy about it. I am proud. Sometimes.
Soon I have my doctors' appointments and I really hope to get some help from my psychologist. Until now our meetings have been really pointless, because EVERY TIME she just says tat I can't help you when you weigh so little. Which I really understand. Thinking and mental things take a lot of energy, but... I need to get better at handling the guilt and food thoughts and I have hoped that she can at least help with that. Somehow normalize these things. But this hasn't happened until now. Anyway, I still hope that our meeting will be successful. Anyway, how was the pizza? Amazing! We picked vegan Russian pizza and it exceeded expectations. I really like that this pizza place has a lot of vegan options (Russian pizza had mustard sauce, cheese, salted mushrooms, garlic, onion and pickles!). We already decided with my sister that at the beginning of next month we will have another pizza from there - and she can pick something with meat as we are going to have two different ones. I think I will get a vegan Greek one, but everything seems so good that I am not sure. :D I guess I need to have more pizza to try everything!
I guess partly because of the diet culture, I felt better to have it on a rye bread crust. But at the same time it fit with the ingredients well. But next time I will have it on a normal base.
Also the place is super cute. It is really close to our flat so it is easy to go and pick pizza up. The worker was so lovely as well. We waited a little and played some table games while at it. My friend also suggested trying their vegan pancakes and I think I really should do it at one point. I also thought that when this alphabet challenge is over, I will maybe try and eat out once a week. Or have a takeaway. There are so many places I want to visit!
Next letter was Q as in quinoa. I fried up mushrooms with garlic and added frozen veggies. Then I boiled some quinoa, mixed it all together and added some fresh tomato and cucumber. In the end I topped it with a lot of feta cheese. Quinoa itself wasn't scary (I had three coloured quinoa), the feta cheese aspect was a lot more difficult. Because well, I had a pack of 200 grams and I didn't want to leave anything in the fridge. So I used it all. Cheese in general is difficult for me, on the pizza there was also a lot of it. And it got me going like "oh no, this is too much" yet again. But well, I had it and it was really good. My sister really likes quinoa, couscous, bulgur, rice and stuff, so she was really excited. She already said that she wants to have EXACT same thing again in the near future. And I think we could have it again. Also, about cheese... to quote my best friend - cheese makes everything better and this is true. I finally also had these Reese's peanut butter cups. I have always thought that I didn't like them. The only time I had tried them was when they were melty and tasted... like nothing. But at the same time I have had Ben and Jerry's ice cream with them and this was good. But anyway, I kept them in the fridge this time and... they were good. A lot sweeter than I remembered, but I really liked them. Also I had all three of them. Peanut butter and chocolate is a combo. I can imagine it going well with breakfast porridge... maybe I should get some more?!
Last week my goal/challenge was to have an extra snack in addition to my three snacks. And honestly - it has been difficult. BUT I have done so well! For example on one day I had a glass of wine (I am not promoting alcohol, but it was Friday and I was tired and I just wanted to enjoy the evening with my sister), which I would have never done before. If I wanted to do that in the past, I would have had to skip another snack. Which I didn't do!
On another occasion I took some cookies my co-worker brought. And they were so good. I had some guilt emotions later, but at this moment of having cookies... I felt free. Also, the next day she brought some marmelade-chocolate candies and I also had some of those! SEVERAL!
Then on the weekend I had two bowls of cereal instead of one. Or just had bigger snacks. I have also played around with meal times, meaning I haven't had food at set times. The dinner is still the most difficult, as I don't want to have it too early. Even if I am hungry already right after work.
I also repeated avocado challenge, which meant I had an avocado toast. It was soooo good. I guess I will be getting them more often. :D I mentioned to my friend that I had bread with butter and cheese and she said I should add some avocado. So this is where I got the idea from.
I should have a new goal for next week. A challenge. I really want to continue with the current one - having an extra snack - because it seems to help the most. This has been the most difficult one of the challenges, but it has been the most useful one.
Okay, let's make next week more difficult?
My goal shall be to have something that I have been wanting for a while, but haven't dared to have. For example some vegan products from Marta Bakery company. I used to have a lot of their patties, but they have so many new things now. And they all seem so good. But checking the nutrition labels, I have always become scared. I want to challenge myself and have something. Or just pick something else - a chocolate, a cake or a pastry that I have denied to myself. I guess it would be a good challenge.
What I also wanted to talk about is motivation versus commitment. Because I find that motivation in getting better is not enough. I can be motivated to get better, or think that okay, the possibility to start doing sports again is a good motivation. Or the fact that I can go and eat out with my friends. Or feeling free when travelling.
Lockdown showed me that these reasons are not always good enough. Because of the corona meeting people was out of the question, in restaurants you could only go to following 2+2 rule and all travelling is cancelled. So... when the motivations disappear - what is that is left? This kind of motivation is not enough.
This is when I have to turn to commitment. You don't only have to be motivated to get better. You have to be commited to it. You have to do things that are difficult every single day. You need to focus on it. You have to give your all. Maybe you need to write down some points regarding commitment that you can repeat to yourself?
For example:
I commit to having three meals and four snacks in a day.
I commit to gaining weight.
I commit to getting better.
Motivation is really easy to come across. But at the same time it is easy to lose it. For example something may be motivating one day but not so much on the other. For example one of my motivations could be to be better at my job. I feel like yeah, I need to have more food to think better. But at the same time there may be some other days where the tasks in hand are easier, and I think that huh, I don't really need to eat much more. This is why I need something extra. I don't know if it sounds logical or not, but for me it does.
I think I started to commit to recovery without actually noticing it. From the moment of this weird peace I have made decisions in order to get better. Every day. Again, again and again. I can't let myself go even for a moment, I need to be fully commited. There are also some simple small things that have helped me forward. For example telling my friend that see, I had another cookie or some additional chocolate. Or telling my acquaintance that I had pizza today. These small things help to commit. And honestly - don't be afraid to use these things. If there is someone who is willing to listen, who knows about your issues - they don't have anything against listening. I, for one, feel a bit more at ease when I do that.
Sometimes I think that I would like to do an interview with someone and ask how they are feeling. I mean people who are in the same position as I am. Do they think similarly to me? Do they understand the things in the same way? Do same kind of things help them forward? So, I just wanted to ask - if you have or have had an eating disorder, would you be willing to answer to some of my questions? You can leave ma a comment or just send me a mail. I just would be really interested to ask you some things? Especially on this topic. What are your motivations? What used to be your motivations? Do you think commitment is more important than motivation? I have soooo many questions. :D I would be really excited to write a proper article about this topic...
Anyway, this week's challenges went well, even though I thought it will be the most difficult week. But... fear has big eyes as we say in Estonian. But everything went well instead.
I thought about what to write for a long time and one of my friends suggested some topics. She said I could write about fashion fears or wants. And I thought that was a pretty good suggestion. I also had another idea - brain or cerebral atrophy - but this topic needs to have some reading and exploring done. Anyway, if you would be interested, I could write another post about it.
But about clothes... oeh. One aspect why the recovery is hard, is definitely because your body is changing. And my body needs to change a lot. And letting go of your size is very difficult. I have several pieces of clothing that I really love and that fit me RIGHT NOW. So I kind of cling on to them, and think that I want to wear them more and for that I cannot gain weight. But this is so stupid. Clothes are temporary, they don't give any value to your life. I should think that oh yeah, I can go shopping instead. :D Actually I have gotten some things that are too big at the moment, I need to "grow into them". Because they are pretty and I would like to wear them already.
Also, I don't feel like I am too thin, but I do notice it on the photos or when I am looking into the mirror. For example when I wear a T-shirt, I can see how abnormally thin my arms are. But at the same time I am kind of scared of them turning chubby. :D This is so silly, I never look at other people's arms and think that, oh, they are too big. They are normal. And I want to be normal as well. I want to wear sleeveless things, but the connection between my arm and shoulder is so ugly. I have also thought about wearing tight dresses, which I have never done, because I was concerned about my stomach and so on, but nowdays trying them on makes me go like "okay, I am way too skinny for it". I have always thought that this or that sticks out, but now... bones stick out. And it is not pretty. There is a weird story with one of my pair of jeans. When I got them, they fit me really well. They were skinny jeans and looked pretty on me. Now they are loose and there is a lot of room left. But at the same time when I gained some weight at the hospital and wore them, they were tight again and it was... very difficult to deal with. I was so USED to them being too big. And in my head it translated to I am too big now. Even though in reality they looked much better on me.
The fact that I haven't bought many clothes for my current self is good - I have saved quite a bit of money. :D And a lot of the stuff that fit me currently, I have donated. Even when I was thinking that but they fit me well... it is not worth it. I want to pick clothes that fit me, not make myself to fit the clothes. I don't want to get something too tight and think that I need to lose weight to fit into it. I need to do the opposite - grow into them.
In Japan we did quite a bit of shopping, but these things would also fit a bit bigger me, so I wouldn't feel bad... but yeah. At the moment I am weathing loose fitting stuff that hide my body a lot. At some points I have tried some other clothes, for example a short sleeved shirt at work, but my arms are too boney. And this bothers me a lot.
Regarding clothes, I am really bothered by all kinds of diet articles, where they suggest you get a size smaller dress or something and this should motivate you to lose weight. I think that this shouldn't be used as a motivation. Like... ugh. These things make me really upset. I want to shake people (inclusing myself) and tell them not to read shit like this. There is nothing else in the magazines than losing weight. This is like the highest goal or something!
There was an article about my story in one magazine and I am really glad I decided to talk to them about myself. There is too little discussion about eating disorders in Estonian media.
How did I end up here when talking about clothes, I don't even know... :D
I also thought that I will take more pictures of myself. Just to have this reality check, to see from the far how I really look. To make myself realise I would be much better if I wasn't just skin and bones.
Anyway, yeah. This week's goal/challenge is difficult, but I have stuck to it. On Friday there will be a longer post about it. Today's already fourth day as I started on Friday and I already know it is going to be tough. All days are tough. But as long as I manage, everything is okay.
Weekend was difficult, as my sister's friend came to visit us and we ordered about 70 pieces of sushi. :D For lunch and dinner both. And then we had La Muu ice cream (Estonian ice cream company, their vegan brownie one is the best! I want to go to their cafe to try some other flavours... anyone up for an ice cream date?) and some strawberries and melon and other kinds of snacks. It was fun, we played Monopoly and iKnow. But yeah, on Monday I felt guilty and it was a difficult day.
Despite this, I was really good on Monday. I dodn't skip any lunches or meals and I did the challenge, aka picked MUESLI to have. Muesli is scary, because it is calorie dense and I always want to have a lot of it.
I had one chocolate one, which was really good. I used to have quite a lot of cereal, but I haven't done it recently, hence why it has become a fear again. As I have said several times - you need to repeat the challenges to get over something.
N was the letter for noodles. I got these ramen ones for me and my sister and also my friend came to visit me in the evening - we all had noodles. :D And these were so good. Nice and spicy and just a true... comfort food. And I got this thought that huh, I could have them another time. And the portion was exactly perfect. At first I thought it was too much, then I thought it was too little, but in the end it was just enough. And it was nice to have food with other people!
I also made a deal with my friend that next time we meet up, we are going to have Hesburger (kind of like McDonalds). They now have a veggie burger, which I have been wanting to try but have been too scared. :D I also promised to have fries with it, so... another challenge! But yeah, we were talking about how we used to live together and how we used to have McDonalds really often and didn't cook at home almost at all. But at the same time we all worked at the restaurant part time and we ate a lot there and also took food home from there.
O was finally Oreo cookies. I was terrified of them. I don't know why - maybe because a lot of people talk about them a lot of the time. And about how unhealthy they are. It is weird though because we have similar cookies in Estonia, by a brand Domino, which are pretty much the same... :D Actually Domino has some new flavour - peach and raspberry one, which I have't tried but would like to. They were supposed to be really good. But I haven't found them in the store.
Anyway, Oreo cookies were just okay. Not the best thing in the world. For example Milka's Oreo chocolate I liked a lot more. :D But at the same time - if I hadn't tried them, I wouldn't know if I liked them.
Having those was difficult, because my eating disorder voice in my head was like "have two" and then I tried to argue with it, saying that there are four in the packet and they are small so I should have them all. And it was difficult. But I did it. I had 4 Oreo cookies. And I am still alive!
I don't know, what, but something in me is changed. Monday was really tough and my thoughts were full of what I had during the weekend. But on Tuesday... I don't know. My morning started with weighing myself as usual, and the weight had gone up.
I still had my normal porridge for breakfast and I enjoyed it a lot. I also used the milk frother I have to make sort of a latte, which is usually scary for me - it has more milk than normal cup of coffee would have.
I got to work and I thought that I should skip my first snack - I wanted to have my Oreo cookies and knew it had more calories than my regular snack. And then I was like "whatever" and had my snack anyway.
Lunch arrived and I had my own home baked bread with a LOT of butter (and I mean, a LOT) and cheese. And I had three pieces. Calmly. I enjoyed the taste of every single bite. And I thought that yes, I will have the same tomorrow. I really enjoyed the falvour of butter, even though my mind kept going "tooooo muchhhhh". But I enjoyed it regardless.
At the same time I started to think that maybe I should have less Oreos. I have already had "too much anyway". But I didn't do it.
I also knew that we were going to have noodles as dinner, which I have been really scared of. And a proper portion as well, as they were not the random cheap ones, but ones from Korea, which I have tried once before and really liked.
I had them peacefully. I didn't even care.
Then it was the evening and I was thinking of not having the last snack of the day. It was supposed to be the new salted caramel and glazed almonds Magnum ice cream. I had checked the nutrition label at the store and thought that oh no, again so many calories. But you know, what? I just had it. Calmly. Maybe I did feel a bit bad, but I just let myself feel shit and after some time these feelings passed.
I was also thinking that in 20 days I have my psychiatrist appointment and he will weigh me. Maybe this gave ma sign, some momentary peace. I need to gain some weight by then, after it I can see if I need to restrict again or not (of course I am not going to, but I let myself think like this to calm ma eating disorder voice). Anyway today, Tuesday, has been weird. Like there had been some swich in my mind. I feel really... stable. Which is really weird and I can't really explain it... but it is what it is. And I really hope tomorrow will go like this as well, it would be awesome!
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Now it is already the next day and I am not gonna lie - I am not feeling as calm today. But at the same time... I don't feel bad either. I thought I will have more feelings of guilt later, as per usual, but I don't know. I just shrugged and am living my day as normally as I can, I am not even thinking about yesterday much.
I have also been really good today. What was also weird is that today before lunch I got this thought that "I think I have had too little food". Which is the first time something like this has happened. And then when I had my snack, I had muesli again. AND THEN. To my own surprise, I had a bowl of cereal as well. Like, what? Me? I don't know her. :D
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Thursday was really difficult. There were a lot of guilt emotions. But... at work we had a meeting and my co-worker brought some chocolate eggs. I had them.
Then I had my own snack (kohuke, curd cream dessert thingy). Then I had lunch. Theb my other co-worker brought cookies. Which I also had. Then I had another kohuke. After work I went out with some friends and we just sat and talked for a while. And then I went home and had proper big dinner. And then we tried Magnum's new ruby chocolate ice cream. I did think about the day and about feeling heavy and awful and I felt sorry for myself... but, I let myself feel shit and now it is already Friday morning and I am feeling a lot better.
I had porridge for breakfast. With mango and coconut. And it was good. It doesn't matter that mango has more calories than strawberries? Why would I care?
My last week's challenge was to have meals or snacks at different times than normally. And I have done so. Have had lunch on a different time or had snack right after the meal and so on. And I would like to write more about it, but... I don't even remember. So sticking to a strict routine is just bullshit. Ah, now I do remember. For example the day of the noodles, my friend came to my place and we had dinner a lot earleir than I am used to. And like... whatever.
I usually get this fear that what if I will feel hungry later, before going to bed. And then I was like, well, I will then just have more food? Why would I stress about it? :D
In general I wanted to say, don't get me wrong. This is not like "I am healed now". 99% of the time it is really difficult and I am feeling really shitty and there is a lot of guilt, but at least... I am doing something. I have finally started. Feel shit but do it anyway motto is real. I have tried doing it before, but it has not been successful. It is a lot easier to think that I will start tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. But the tomorrow never comes.
Next week's letters are P, Q and R. I added Q to the list, because quinoa is a good thing to challenge and I am scared of it. And also we have already planned to have pizza with my sister on Tuesday.
I guess I still should set a goal for the next week...
During the next week, I will have something additional to my snacks and mealst every single day. It could be a candy that someone offers at work; additional snack that I am giving myself, cookie, cake, or syrup in a coffee even. Something. And you know what? The new week starts today. So the first thing that I will do when I get to work, is having cookies my co-worker brought. :)
This was the most common thing we were told at the hospital. In connection with when some people wanted to keep talking to others after being discharged. And I completely understand. Especially as eating disorders are a sickness that focuses around comparing a lot and I have talked about this earlier. It makes a lot of sense. If someone who you spent time at the clinic is realpsing and losing weight again, it is possible that you don't want to be "left behind" and you want to be the sickes, the thinnest and so on. But is it always like this? Is it always negative?
Just enjoying some sea. It was raining and super windy, but soooo nice.I think that talking to other sufferers is also motivating. Especially if you can share good moments. And moments of relapse - you just have to think logically. You need to explain yourself that you are different people with different lives. You are on different paths and need to do different things for yourselves.
When I was at the hospital in Tallinn, there was a girl who also suffered from an eating disroder. We became really good friends and I can say I love her. And what is the best, most precious thing - she understands me. When we plan to meet up, she never suggests going out for a meal. She knows it is difficult for me. She asks if I am up to have some coffee. Or just meet up. She knows how to not put pressure on me. She knows what to say and how it is okay. I don't want my friends to tiptoe around me, never. And I am not expecting them to. But sometimes you need to talk to someone who just understands. And my friend does. And as we have both gone through or going through the same thing, we have the right to joke about it. :D There is a lot of dark humor.
What is also important about talking to other sick people, is that... it is always easy to give advice. You can always say do this or do that and eat more and do more of this and challenge yourself more. BUT you need to think if you would do it yourself. Or is this something you would only tell others to do? If you wouldn't do it yourself, you shouldn't give advice. At least this is what I think. If you look at someone's plate with a meal and think that instead of salad or veggies there should be 1-2 potatoes more, just stop and think - would you add 1-2 potatoes or would you have the same kind of meal? If you wouldn't do it yoursel, you shouldn't tell the other person to do it. Or you can both do it! This is somehow motivating yourself as well and helps you to push forward.
But yeah, I think that sharing good moments with other is nothing to worry about. And even if the other person is all that "you can do it", which may be annoying sometimes, it kins of... annoys me less, than when a completely healthy person tells me that? :D I mean, the other sick person just understands you better. Maybe my explanations make no sense to you, but in my head they are logical.
At the same time I do understand that there is the danger of being to comparative and bringing the other person down to relapse. If someone tells you all the time that "I work out this much" or "I haven't had any food today yet or I just had this and that", then you are just like... okay. If she does that all the time, I should do the same. And then you start acting the same and share the same things with them and it becomes a challenge.
Here I want to highlight LOGICAL THINKING. I know it is easy to let yourself go on the path of relapse, but you can't avoid other sick people all your life.
It is like... people tell you not to read the calories on the packaging of food items. Yeah, it is a good advice at one point during your journey, but you can't avoid it all your life. For example if you are allergic to something or you have intolerances, you sometimes need to check the lavels. And you usually notice macronutrient breakdowns and calories. It is difficult to just ignore them. And besides, ignoring it makes you scared of the calories, which does not help you forward.
Anyway yeah, altogether I want to say that you should be friends with whoever you want. Of course you should pick people who you really have a connection and who you know won't make you relapse. Or if you discover that you may be about to relapse, you need to have a plan of action to get out of there. It can be talking to someone (friends, family, relatives, clinic stuff or doctors) or just... I don't know, writing things down. I usually am comforted by the action of just writing this blog. It helps me to see the bigger picture.
I haven't asked anything in a while and no one has made any comments, but... what do you think about all this? Do you think that you shouldn't talk to other sick people, or do you think it can be helpful? Despite thinking that talking to others is not bad, I sometimes still doubt my thoughts.
Today I am also starting the next challenge (besides, weekend was really difficult for me... again) with the letters M, N and O. It is surprising how fast this alphabet challenge has been going. And what I have discovered is that... I can have all the ice creams! Calories in them don't bother me at all. Even if there are more calories than my usual snack, I don't care and can eat them easily! I am sure that after this challenge is over, I will go over the alphabet and see how I have progressed. And what I need to try more or again.
I also came up with something for the letter Q - quinoa. I just made some quinoa filled zucchini and I was really surprised I never thought of it. :D So, definitely will try this again. (Also, my zucchini boats were amazing. I filled them with quinoa, garlic and mushrooms, had some cottage cheese salad on the side and also a big blob of hummus. I don't know, why, but having just quinoa on the side seems scary, while having it IN the zucchini, it was alright. Another weird food fear... :D)
I started on Monday and picked juice with the letter J. It was an orange juice, which I used to really really love and what I would have every time I had breakfast. Especially when I was working in a restaurant. But now, this had become a fear. When I was at the hospital and my mum came to visit me, I had Boost juices sometimes, and they were scary as well. But since then I haven't had any juice. So yeah, I was quite afraid. Besides it made me feel like I was overly full, which was uncomfortable. Also no, I didn't have it all in one go, I took some sips here and there.
But it tasted amazing. My sister already said that now I can try other juices as well and to be honest - why not? I used to challenge myself to smoothies and drinks at one point, but I haven't done it now for a while. Actually I think juice makes a great snack. This gives your brain some sugar and it really helped with my energy level at work. Anyway, I totally approve of this... and I shall keep challenging the liquid calories.
For the next day it was K for KitKat chocolate which was with salted caramel. And it was really good. At these kind of moments I keep thinking about why I am not having more chocolate. Chocolate isn't essentially evil. Anyway I enjoyed it with a cup of tea and it made my day a lot better. I also got another one of the same KitKats waiting for me now.
On the same evening I also challenged L meaning lasagna. I got a frozen one from the store, because firstly, it is difficult to have food I have not cooked myself and I really didn't feel like cooking at all this day. I just had it with cucumber and tomato and fresh basil salad (I am growing some on top of my fridge and I am really proud of it!).
Lasagna was pretty decent, but having one that is self made would definitely have been better. Who knows, maybe on my second round of alphabet challenge I will make it myself. Also this really seemed to help me. I got this thought that "hmm, if I have another one of these I don't want to cook something, I could actually have it." It was the easiest challenge this far I think. I am slowly trying to get ready for the next week and a week after that as well. I am scared of the letter N and noodles, I don't know why, but it seems sooooo scary. :D So stupid. There is also fear about udon, even though I know I will like it (I at least liked it in Japan). And as I have already said a thousand time - egg noodles in wok are completely fine. How should I trick myself? Make ramen with egg noodles? Or will they become scary then? :D I don't know.
Anyway, how have I been doing regarding my goals?
The first challenge was to accept something when I am offered. This was made greatly, as we had a work out day with a buffee.
My second challenge was to have something out of the norm. Here I can take an experience where I left my snack at home and had to pick something at the store at random. This was actually easier than I was thinking, but still. The second thing here I can say was the weekend, because me and my sister ordered sushi again. We did a puzzle and ate and had snacks. And when we had had all the snacks, we suddenly wanted ice cream. We picked one called green smoothie and it was with kiwi and lemon, which was really good.
And the next day started with me feeling utterly bad about it. Why did I have this extra ice cream? I had so much food already, I had "too much". How in the world will I make myself realise that there is no such thing as "too much" in recovery?
The third challenge was to eat out or eat something I have not prepared. This was also well tackles, starting with ordering sushi, having lasagna and having all the food at the work event. The buffee there was just as bad as I was afraid. I ate too much, it was definitely a binge. I don't understand why I can't stop myself. Anyway yeah, this week was pretty difficult. Not just because of the letter challenge, but mostly due to this work event. Of course I am writing this post on the next day as well, so my emotions are fresh and I haven't had time to calm down.
I should set some goals for the next week as well, but honestly... I don't know. I feel that maybe I am trying to take too big steps here. And I haven't challenged the ones I have written down enough. Maybe I need to calm down a little?
Maybe I will set one goal instead, because three is too much. Today is a weird day. When I wrote the same post last week, I felt really happy and motivated, but today I am a bit... flat. I just want to sleep and not do anything until next week. I want these binge eating feelings to pass. I want the negativity in my head to pass too. I wish yesterday just wasn't like this. I just... yeah. Complicated stuff.
But anyway, for the next week, I will eat at the time that is not my regular mealtime. I want to break this rhythm.
