New week and new challenge. Today, the time I start to write this post, it is Tuesday and it is P day, meaning pizza. As I mentioned, we are ordering from a place called Mega Hea Pizza (Mega Good Pizza).

I have been really stressing over it. Starting from having my sister check out the menu a week ago to figure out what exactly we want, until planning ahead at what time and how we are going to go and order it. I am also thinking that I should skip snacks, because pizza is a lot. But no, not going to do that. Time is passing and I need to make progress. Since I got this weird calm feeling, I have been really good! I mean, things have been hard. I have a lot of guilt. But... I guess I have become better at handling it and I am feeling happy about it. I am proud. Sometimes.

Soon I have my doctors' appointments and I really hope to get some help from my psychologist. Until now our meetings have been really pointless, because EVERY TIME she just says tat I can't help you when you weigh so little. Which I really understand. Thinking and mental things take a lot of energy, but... I need to get better at handling the guilt and food thoughts and I have hoped that she can at least help with that. Somehow normalize these things. But this hasn't happened until now. Anyway, I still hope that our meeting will be successful.

Anyway, how was the pizza? Amazing! We picked vegan Russian pizza and it exceeded expectations. I really like that this pizza place has a lot of vegan options (Russian pizza had mustard sauce, cheese, salted mushrooms, garlic, onion and pickles!). We already decided with my sister that at the beginning of next month we will have another pizza from there - and she can pick something with meat as we are going to have two different ones. I think I will get a vegan Greek one, but everything seems so good that I am not sure. :D I guess I need to have more pizza to try everything!

I guess partly because of the diet culture, I felt better to have it on a rye bread crust. But at the same time it fit with the ingredients well. But next time I will have it on a normal base.

Also the place is super cute. It is really close to our flat so it is easy to go and pick pizza up. The worker was so lovely as well. We waited a little and played some table games while at it. My friend also suggested trying their vegan pancakes and I think I really should do it at one point. I also thought that when this alphabet challenge is over, I will maybe try and eat out once a week. Or have a takeaway. There are so many places I want to visit!

Next letter was Q as in quinoa. I fried up mushrooms with garlic and added frozen veggies. Then I boiled some quinoa, mixed it all together and added some fresh tomato and cucumber. In the end I topped it with a lot of feta cheese.

Quinoa itself wasn't scary (I had three coloured quinoa), the feta cheese aspect was a lot more difficult. Because well, I had a pack of 200 grams and I didn't want to leave anything in the fridge. So I used it all. Cheese in general is difficult for me, on the pizza there was also a lot of it. And it got me going like "oh no, this is too much" yet again. But well, I had it and it was really good. My sister really likes quinoa, couscous, bulgur, rice and stuff, so she was really excited. She already said that she wants to have EXACT same thing again in the near future. And I think we could have it again. Also, about cheese... to quote my best friend - cheese makes everything better and this is true.

I finally also had these Reese's peanut butter cups. I have always thought that I didn't like them. The only time I had tried them was when they were melty and tasted... like nothing. But at the same time I have had Ben and Jerry's ice cream with them and this was good. But anyway, I kept them in the fridge this time and... they were good. A lot sweeter than I remembered, but I really liked them. Also I had all three of them. Peanut butter and chocolate is a combo. I can imagine it going well with breakfast porridge... maybe I should get some more?!


Last week my goal/challenge was to have an extra snack in addition to my three snacks. And honestly - it has been difficult. BUT I have done so well! For example on one day I had a glass of wine (I am not promoting alcohol, but it was Friday and I was tired and I just wanted to enjoy the evening with my sister), which I would have never done before. If I wanted to do that in the past, I would have had to skip another snack. Which I didn't do!

On another occasion I took some cookies my co-worker brought. And they were so good. I had some guilt emotions later, but at this moment of having cookies... I felt free. Also, the next day she brought some marmelade-chocolate candies and I also had some of those! SEVERAL!

Then on the weekend I had two bowls of cereal instead of one. Or just had bigger snacks. I have also played around with meal times, meaning I haven't had food at set times. The dinner is still the most difficult, as I don't want to have it too early. Even if I am hungry already right after work.

I also repeated avocado challenge, which meant I had an avocado toast. It was soooo good. I guess I will be getting them more often. :D I mentioned to my friend that I had bread with butter and cheese and she said I should add some avocado. So this is where I got the idea from.

I should have a new goal for next week. A challenge. I really want to continue with the current one - having an extra snack - because it seems to help the most. This has been the most difficult one of the challenges, but it has been the most useful one.

Okay, let's make next week more difficult?

My goal shall be to have something that I have been wanting for a while, but haven't dared to have. For example some vegan products from Marta Bakery company. I used to have a lot of their patties, but they have so many new things now. And they all seem so good. But checking the nutrition labels, I have always become scared. I want to challenge myself and have something. Or just pick something else - a chocolate, a cake or a pastry that I have denied to myself. I guess it would be a good challenge.

What I also wanted to talk about is motivation versus commitment. Because I find that motivation in getting better is not enough. I can be motivated to get better, or think that okay, the possibility to start doing sports again is a good motivation. Or the fact that I can go and eat out with my friends. Or feeling free when travelling.

Lockdown showed me that these reasons are not always good enough. Because of the corona meeting people was out of the question, in restaurants you could only go to following 2+2 rule and all travelling is cancelled. So... when the motivations disappear - what is that is left? This kind of motivation is not enough.

This is when I have to turn to commitment. You don't only have to be motivated to get better. You have to be commited to it. You have to do things that are difficult every single day. You need to focus on it. You have to give your all. Maybe you need to write down some points regarding commitment that you can repeat to yourself?

For example:

I commit to having three meals and four snacks in a day.
I commit to gaining weight.
I commit to getting better.

Motivation is really easy to come across. But at the same time it is easy to lose it. For example something may be motivating one day but not so much on the other. For example one of my motivations could be to be better at my job. I feel like yeah, I need to have more food to think better. But at the same time there may be some other days where the tasks in hand are easier, and I think that huh, I don't really need to eat much more. This is why I need something extra. I don't know if it sounds logical or not, but for me it does.

I think I started to commit to recovery without actually noticing it. From the moment of this weird peace I have made decisions in order to get better. Every day. Again, again and again. I can't let myself go even for a moment, I need to be fully commited. There are also some simple small things that have helped me forward. For example telling my friend that see, I had another cookie or some additional chocolate. Or telling my acquaintance that I had pizza today. These small things help to commit. And honestly - don't be afraid to use these things. If there is someone who is willing to listen, who knows about your issues - they don't have anything against listening. I, for one, feel a bit more at ease when I do that.

Sometimes I think that I would like to do an interview with someone and ask how they are feeling. I mean people who are in the same position as I am. Do they think similarly to me? Do they understand the things in the same way? Do same kind of things help them forward? So, I just wanted to ask - if you have or have had an eating disorder, would you be willing to answer to some of my questions? You can leave ma a comment or just send me a mail. I just would be really interested to ask you some things? Especially on this topic. What are your motivations? What used to be your motivations? Do you think commitment is more important than motivation? I have soooo many questions. :D I would be really excited to write a proper article about this topic...

Anyway, this week's challenges went well, even though I thought it will be the most difficult week. But... fear has big eyes as we say in Estonian. But everything went well instead.