New week started off with a new challenge.

I started on Monday and picked juice with the letter J. It was an orange juice, which I used to really really love and what I would have every time I had breakfast. Especially when I was working in a restaurant. But now, this had become a fear.

When I was at the hospital and my mum came to visit me, I had Boost juices sometimes, and they were scary as well. But since then I haven't had any juice. So yeah, I was quite afraid. Besides it made me feel like I was overly full, which was uncomfortable. Also no, I didn't have it all in one go, I took some sips here and there.

But it tasted amazing. My sister already said that now I can try other juices as well and to be honest - why not? I used to challenge myself to smoothies and drinks at one point, but I haven't done it now for a while. Actually I think juice makes a great snack. This gives your brain some sugar and it really helped with my energy level at work. Anyway, I totally approve of this... and I shall keep challenging the liquid calories.

For the next day it was K for KitKat chocolate which was with salted caramel. And it was really good. At these kind of moments I keep thinking about why I am not having more chocolate. Chocolate isn't essentially evil. Anyway I enjoyed it with a cup of tea and it made my day a lot better. I also got another one of the same KitKats waiting for me now.

On the same evening I also challenged L meaning lasagna. I got a frozen one from the store, because firstly, it is difficult to have food I have not cooked myself and I really didn't feel like cooking at all this day. I just had it with cucumber and tomato and fresh basil salad (I am growing some on top of my fridge and I am really proud of it!).

Lasagna was pretty decent, but having one that is self made would definitely have been better. Who knows, maybe on my second round of alphabet challenge I will make it myself. Also this really seemed to help me. I got this thought that "hmm, if I have another one of these I don't want to cook something, I could actually have it." It was the easiest challenge this far I think.

I am slowly trying to get ready for the next week and a week after that as well. I am scared of the letter N and noodles, I don't know why, but it seems sooooo scary. :D So stupid. There is also fear about udon, even though I know I will like it (I at least liked it in Japan). And as I have already said a thousand time - egg noodles in wok are completely fine. How should I trick myself? Make ramen with egg noodles? Or will they become scary then? :D I don't know.

Anyway, how have I been doing regarding my goals?

The first challenge was to accept something when I am offered. This was made greatly, as we had a work out day with a buffee.

My second challenge was to have something out of the norm. Here I can take an experience where I left my snack at home and had to pick something at the store at random. This was actually easier than I was thinking, but still. The second thing here I can say was the weekend, because me and my sister ordered sushi again. We did a puzzle and ate and had snacks. And when we had had all the snacks, we suddenly wanted ice cream. We picked one called green smoothie and it was with kiwi and lemon, which was really good.

And the next day started with me feeling utterly bad about it. Why did I have this extra ice cream? I had so much food already, I had "too much". How in the world will I make myself realise that there is no such thing as "too much" in recovery?

The third challenge was to eat out or eat something I have not prepared. This was also well tackles, starting with ordering sushi, having lasagna and having all the food at the work event. The buffee there was just as bad as I was afraid. I ate too much, it was definitely a binge. I don't understand why I can't stop myself.

Anyway yeah, this week was pretty difficult. Not just because of the letter challenge, but mostly due to this work event. Of course I am writing this post on the next day as well, so my emotions are fresh and I haven't had time to calm down.

I should set some goals for the next week as well, but honestly... I don't know. I feel that maybe I am trying to take too big steps here. And I haven't challenged the ones I have written down enough. Maybe I need to calm down a little?

Maybe I will set one goal instead, because three is too much. Today is a weird day. When I wrote the same post last week, I felt really happy and motivated, but today I am a bit... flat. I just want to sleep and not do anything until next week. I want these binge eating feelings to pass. I want the negativity in my head to pass too. I wish yesterday just wasn't like this. I just... yeah. Complicated stuff.

But anyway, for the next week, I will eat at the time that is not my regular mealtime. I want to break this rhythm.