Weekend was difficult, as my sister's friend came to visit us and we ordered about 70 pieces of sushi. :D For lunch and dinner both. And then we had La Muu ice cream (Estonian ice cream company, their vegan brownie one is the best! I want to go to their cafe to try some other flavours... anyone up for an ice cream date?) and some strawberries and melon and other kinds of snacks. It was fun, we played Monopoly and iKnow. But yeah, on Monday I felt guilty and it was a difficult day.

Despite this, I was really good on Monday. I dodn't skip any lunches or meals and I did the challenge, aka picked MUESLI to have. Muesli is scary, because it is calorie dense and I always want to have a lot of it.



I had one chocolate one, which was really good. I used to have quite a lot of cereal, but I haven't done it recently, hence why it has become a fear again. As I have said several times - you need to repeat the challenges to get over something.


N was the letter for noodles. I got these ramen ones for me and my sister and also my friend came to visit me in the evening - we all had noodles. :D And these were so good. Nice and spicy and just a true... comfort food. And I got this thought that huh, I could have them another time. And the portion was exactly perfect. At first I thought it was too much, then I thought it was too little, but in the end it was just enough. And it was nice to have food with other people!



I also made a deal with my friend that next time we meet up, we are going to have Hesburger (kind of like McDonalds). They now have a veggie burger, which I have been wanting to try but have been too scared. :D I also promised to have fries with it, so... another challenge! But yeah, we were talking about how we used to live together and how we used to have McDonalds really often and didn't cook at home almost at all. But at the same time we all worked at the restaurant part time and we ate a lot there and also took food home from there.



O was finally Oreo cookies. I was terrified of them. I don't know why - maybe because a lot of people talk about them a lot of the time. And about how unhealthy they are. It is weird though because we have similar cookies in Estonia, by a brand Domino, which are pretty much the same... :D Actually Domino has some new flavour - peach and raspberry one, which I have't tried but would like to. They were supposed to be really good. But I haven't found them in the store.

Anyway, Oreo cookies were just okay. Not the best thing in the world. For example Milka's Oreo chocolate I liked a lot more. :D But at the same time - if I hadn't tried them, I wouldn't know if I liked them.

Having those was difficult, because my eating disorder voice in my head was like "have two" and then I tried to argue with it, saying that there are four in the packet and they are small so I should have them all. And it was difficult. But I did it. I had 4 Oreo cookies. And I am still alive!



I don't know, what, but something in me is changed. Monday was really tough and my thoughts were full of what I had during the weekend. But on Tuesday... I don't know. My morning started with weighing myself as usual, and the weight had gone up.

I still had my normal porridge for breakfast and I enjoyed it a lot. I also used the milk frother I have to make sort of a latte, which is usually scary for me - it has more milk than normal cup of coffee would have.

I got to work and I thought that I should skip my first snack - I wanted to have my Oreo cookies and knew it had more calories than my regular snack. And then I was like "whatever" and had my snack anyway.

Lunch arrived and I had my own home baked bread with a LOT of butter (and I mean, a LOT) and cheese. And I had three pieces. Calmly. I enjoyed the taste of every single bite. And I thought that yes, I will have the same tomorrow. I really enjoyed the falvour of butter, even though my mind kept going "tooooo muchhhhh". But I enjoyed it regardless.

At the same time I started to think that maybe I should have less Oreos. I have already had "too much anyway". But I didn't do it.

I also knew that we were going to have noodles as dinner, which I have been really scared of. And a proper portion as well, as they were not the random cheap ones, but ones from Korea, which I have tried once before and really liked.

I had them peacefully. I didn't even care.

Then it was the evening and I was thinking of not having the last snack of the day. It was supposed to be the new salted caramel and glazed almonds Magnum ice cream. I had checked the nutrition label at the store and thought that oh no, again so many calories. But you know, what? I just had it. Calmly. Maybe I did feel a bit bad, but I just let myself feel shit and after some time these feelings passed.

I was also thinking that in 20 days I have my psychiatrist appointment and he will weigh me. Maybe this gave ma sign, some momentary peace. I need to gain some weight by then, after it I can see if I need to restrict again or not (of course I am not going to, but I let myself think like this to calm ma eating disorder voice). Anyway today, Tuesday, has been weird. Like there had been some swich in my mind. I feel really... stable. Which is really weird and I can't really explain it... but it is what it is. And I really hope tomorrow will go like this as well, it would be awesome!

-

Now it is already the next day and I am not gonna lie - I am not feeling as calm today. But at the same time... I don't feel bad either. I thought I will have more feelings of guilt later, as per usual, but I don't know. I just shrugged and am living my day as normally as I can, I am not even thinking about yesterday much.

I have also been really good today. What was also weird is that today before lunch I got this thought that "I think I have had too little food". Which is the first time something like this has happened. And then when I had my snack, I had muesli again. AND THEN. To my own surprise, I had a bowl of cereal as well. Like, what? Me? I don't know her. :D

-

Thursday was really difficult. There were a lot of guilt emotions. But... at work we had a meeting and my co-worker brought some chocolate eggs. I had them.

Then I had my own snack (kohuke, curd cream dessert thingy). Then I had lunch. Theb my other co-worker brought cookies. Which I also had. Then I had another kohuke. After work I went out with some friends and we just sat and talked for a while. And then I went home and had proper big dinner. And then we tried Magnum's new ruby chocolate ice cream. I did think about the day and about feeling heavy and awful and I felt sorry for myself... but, I let myself feel shit and now it is already Friday morning and I am feeling a lot better.

I had porridge for breakfast. With mango and coconut. And it was good. It doesn't matter that mango has more calories than strawberries? Why would I care?

My last week's challenge was to have meals or snacks at different times than normally. And I have done so. Have had lunch on a different time or had snack right after the meal and so on. And I would like to write more about it, but... I don't even remember. So sticking to a strict routine is just bullshit. Ah, now I do remember. For example the day of the noodles, my friend came to my place and we had dinner a lot earleir than I am used to. And like... whatever.

I usually get this fear that what if I will feel hungry later, before going to bed. And then I was like, well, I will then just have more food? Why would I stress about it? :D

In general I wanted to say, don't get me wrong. This is not like "I am healed now". 99% of the time it is really difficult and I am feeling really shitty and there is a lot of guilt, but at least... I am doing something. I have finally started. Feel shit but do it anyway motto is real. I have tried doing it before, but it has not been successful. It is a lot easier to think that I will start tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. But the tomorrow never comes.

Next week's letters are P, Q and R. I added Q to the list, because quinoa is a good thing to challenge and I am scared of it. And also we have already planned to have pizza with my sister on Tuesday.

I guess I still should set a goal for the next week...

During the next week, I will have something additional to my snacks and mealst every single day. It could be a candy that someone offers at work; additional snack that I am giving myself, cookie, cake, or syrup in a coffee even. Something. And you know what? The new week starts today. So the first thing that I will do when I get to work, is having cookies my co-worker brought. :)