I wanted to talk about this aspect of my life where my mind seems to be really slow and sluggish. I keep repeating things and at the same time I keep forgetting stuff. At first I didn't even notice it, but my best friend told this to me and now I have learned it is true and also quite serious. Someone can tell me about something in great detail and before they are finished, I may already have forgotten the beginning. I need to put in constant effort to remember stuff. It is difficult to notice things and my thoughts are really "jumpy". Sometimes I don't even notice that I am thinking of something not connected to the topic at hand and then suddenly I realise I am in the meeding and need to pay attention. And it is all connected to an eating disorder.

There may be serious effects on your brain because you are eating too little. When I was in treatment, I got several MRI scans made for my brain (and I luckily don't have any issues). I mean brain atrophy. Brain atrophy means the shrinking of gray mass in your brain. And this is scary. It seems to be the scariest consequence I have ever learned about.

I can say that my brain seems to function really slowly. Things that are not connected to eating or food are forgotten really easily. It makes not sense but it is so.

Still, I want to say that this condition can be reversed. Several studies have shown that it is so. But the time on when it is reversed has not been made sure as of yet. But at the same time within few weeks to several months, if one is gaining weight, there can be improvement seen in brain size.

Anyway, this is so fucking scary. And even though my brain is complerely healthy, just knowing the FACT of what could happen, has been in my mind. It is unfortunate there aren't many articles about this situation in regards with an eating disorder in Estonian. I want to add that symptoms of brain atrophy are for example dementia, seizures and difficulties in understanding a language or speaking. If this is not something to motivate you getting better, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I have noticed on my side that it is easier to pay attention to things, when I have just eaten something or I am full from my meal. It also helps to snack on something sweet, so now when someone is offering sweets during a meeting, I will always have some. Yeah, it may happen that I will feel guilty and it doesn't let me concentrate, but I still understand things better.

Within last weeks I have been really good and have followed my three meals and four snacks regimen. And I think this is seriouslt helping. I don't know if I really remember things better or I just pay more attention to remembering, but it has become a lot easier. Sometimes I can even concentrate on something for a longer period of time. I can also discuss more difficult things, not connected to eating. And this is really positive.

Also another negative thing that is not connected to a brain, but is connected to an eating disorder - I find it difficult to find topics to talk about with people. It has become a bit easier recently, as I can talk about more than just food, but there is still a lot of food thoughts in my mind. But at the same time something happened the other day, which I thought never will - someone sent me some recipes and I ABSOLUTELY didn't care. I have spent a lot of my time googling recipes and just checking stores' home pages. But at this moment... I didn't care. I was thinking about something completely different. And at that moment I was actually kind of irritated that someone spammed me with food messages. :D Later I of course checked them out and they were really interesting, but at that moment... I could put my finger on the fact that I didn't care about food and this was so nice. It showed me that I can focus on something else as well! These kind of small things are really interesting to analyze later. I feel hopeful.

It is difficult to let go of my weight number. It was bigger than yesterday today morning and even though I am COMMITED to gaining weight and it needs to go up, I still got a lot of negative emotions. Even though on the weekend I went to some stores and tried on some clothes and I noticed once again how ugly and skinny I am. But this freaking number... it is just stuck in my head. And it annoys me greatly.


I also wanted to write something brighter - I tried to make this dalgona coffee from tiktok! I aslo thought I will write down how I made it.

Recipe:


Firstly I took some ice cubes and filled  a glass with them, pouring some Nemoloko matcha oatmilk on them. Then on another bowl I mixed up a tablespoon of instant coffee, two tablespoons of hot water and one teaspoon of sugar. I got a milk frother from a friend and used this to make it all frothy. And then I poured it over molk. I mixed it up a little and drank it - and it tasted so good! I really recommend. Also, if you don't want to make dalgona coffee, I highly recommend matcha oatmilk for just iced coffee. I am obsessed with it. Also if you don't like matcha, you can just make this coffee with regular milk. But I tried it with that this time.

It also looked great.

This week will be more difficult than usual weeks, because it is midsummer day. My sister is going to my parents' place, but I decided not to go this year. Also it would be annoying to go all the way to the other side of Estonia on one day and then come back the next. So I thought I will save myself from the stress and spend the midsummer alone or with someone if someone is up to doing something. :) It is just a regular day after all.

It is just a bit difficult to be out of the routine. But at the same time it is good. I feel like there is so much pressure on me that these few days off are well deserved. Also right after the midsummer day I have dentist appointment as well as psychologist appointment.

I also completed my alphabet challenge next letters this weekend, but I will write about this on Friday as is the rule.

What else... a few people have contacted me about reading my blog and I just wanted to say - thank you. Thank you for taking these few moments out of your day to see what I have to say. Thank you for leaving me a comment or contacting me on Instagram or Facebook. I am really sorry if you are suffering from the same thing... but maybe I can show you that things may get better. I have never believed in myself as much as I do right now. I have finally understood things. And also - if you think I can help you somehow, just let me know. This is my goal. To share information and help.