Oh boy.

Things that I didn't think were difficult, were much tougher than the things I thought will be. There was a huge difference between this week and last week.

S was for salmon. I got something in mango-chilli marinade and with this I had cottage cheese salad and some green beans. The portion was huge. And salmon... I know it is healthy. But at the same time "there is a lot of fat in salmon, salmon is a very fatty fish and so on" was still stuck in my head when I ate it. At the same time it has been my safe food - but only when my mum makes it. It was different when I made it. But it tasted super good and I already thought that I shall try it again. Use different marinades. Or add dill and butter on it like my mum often does... so I hope I will be able to repeat this challenge.

At first I thought I will try making the salmon in my multicooker, but in the end I decided on the oven and I think it was a good call. With multicooker, there are more steaming programs and such, but I wanted to bake it. But who knows, I might try this out as well at some point. Because I need to repeat the challenges.

Next was T as in tofu and U as in udon noodles. This was the most difficult. It didn't matter that I had had udon in Japan, it was still tough. But the food came out sooo well. I added moodles, miso paste, some Korean chilli paste, mushrooms and tofu. Oh, and I also added some nori (seaweed). I was really surprised at how good exactly it was! And my sister, who doesn't like miso, also approved of it. Also I got a bigger pack of udon so I can make it again... maybe based on Korean chilli paste, to have a spicy broth. Or I can try something completely different.

Anyway, why this was difficult, was because of the noodles. I really felt as if it was too much. And then I got the thoughts about why do I add tofu AS WELL, I could skip it. Use more mushrooms and other vegetables. But no, I didn't do that. Because actually I really like tofu. I like the texture and it really flavours well. What I also wanted to say is that... it looked good. :D It wasn't just any noodle soup, it was like a proper restaurant dish. :D I have never gotten more feedback on instagram for my story. :D

So this was all in all a good challenge. It made me try new recipes and also let other people know of new stuff I am cooking.

I am a bit afraid of my new, eating out, challenge. In regards with that - do anyone want to go and have a meal with me? I am too poor to buy you food, but I will be a good company. :D

Now for the last week there are three more letters - V, W and Z. These will be more difficult, because most of the things recently have been main meals and I have had this food with my sister. These all now, okay, except for Z, are snacks thay my sister won't be having. So yeah, this is a bit more diffiult. But at the same time, challengeeee!

I have been listening to some Estonian podcasts, but with this, if there are any podcasts you recomment, please let me know. Or any specific episodes of some podcasts. I am really open to listening to anything.

There was a time I thought recording a podcast would be something cool to do. Just to talk, as I am doing here. Or read the posts out loud. For people who are too lazy to read and would prefer listening. But I am not a guru or an influencer so I won't be doing that. :D

As per usual, I also wanted to touch upon last week's goal, which was trying a product I have been to scared of trying. And for that I came up with several things. For example some vegan patties. I am happy to say that I tried some. It didn't matter that it had "too much" calories! I am really proud. And they also tasted amazing. They weren't the scariest ones I could have picked, but it was still a start.

In addition I thought that on one day I would have a different snack which would be... a pastry. I have been wanting poppy seed pastry from the time I was at the hospital and my relative had it, but I was too scared. And I still haven't tried it until now. On one day I was walking around in a store and I saw some poppy seed breads. It was sad that I couldn't find out it's CALORIES. Which brings me to this - it is good! I would like to estimate how many calories it had, to know if it is okay to have as a snack, but I shouldn't do it, so this is a double challenge. Today, when I am writing this post, it is still Monday and as soon as I try it, I will let you know if this is as amazing as I am hoping. We shall see.

I also thought about some new goals/challenges for the week. I still want to continue with having four snacks, as this I feel is the most necessary thing. And it is good to know that I CAN have more food than just three meals and three snacks. It kind of limited me until now.

Next week I will try:

• pick something at the store without checking it's calories. And eat it and not checking them. It should help me pick something I WANT to have. I hope I will manage. :D We shall see. You will soon know how I did.
• eat breakfast cereal with regular/higher calorie milk. I have this weird habit that I can only have them with almond milk, which as less calories than most other milks. Yeah, muesli with almond milk is good, but I don't want to have almond milk just because it has less calories. I want to not even pay attention to which milk I am using. I want to pick my milk for the taste, not calories!
• eat or drink something outside. I mean having something while out and about. Like having a pastry and eating it on my wat home. Or maybe I will finally go and have bubble tea. Or having coffee with someone and eating a pastry with it. I don't know if I am ready for it, but if I don't do it now, I feel like I won't ever do it. And this sucks.
• try and sell or give away my clothes that are too small. Because what does it give me? As I have mentioned, I want to buy clothes for my body, not have a body for my clothes!

I also wondered what else to talk about. On some days I have more food during meals and more snacks. And I have discovered that actually on those days I am hungrier. Like, the more I eat the HUNGRIER I am? I don't understand this. But anyway...

Regarding hunger. This is normal. Especially when you are recovering. Because well... imagine a situation where you are with your friend and you are holding your breath while they are not. Then, when you finally breathe, you start gasping for air. They won't do that.

What can we see here? Your friend eats normally. You restrict and avoid things. When you finally let yourself eat, you will eat a LOT. You need more food as you have been restricting for so long. It is like with air - you need more air if you have been holding your breath.

I hope you can understand what I want to say here. Because to me it sounds really logical. A person next to you - they don't have an eating disorder, they don't feel as hungry and they can live normally. They don't need to gain weight. It also shows how MUCH you really need to eat to gain weight. Anyway, I feel like this way of thinking is helping me a lot.

But for now - talk to you soon!