And which one is better? 

Honestly I don't know which is better. There have been many times where I have just wished that I woke up at normal weight. I have been thinking of just getting done with it.

But at the same time slow weight gain is better in a sense that you will have time to get used to the changes in your body. Gaining it all at once would mean that the clothes wouldn't suddenly fit etc.

So I don't know which one is better. At the hospital I constantly felt that the weight gain was TOO FAST, though right now I feel like it is TOO SLOW. I just got to my new goal though and my psychologist and psychiatrist were very happy. I have also gotten used to the new number and it doesn't cause as much panic any more.

At the same time what has been affecting me a lot is the fact that I have been eating the same, but my weight has started to go up. It has been growing and growing and it doesn't seem to stop. And I don't know why it is like this. I mean, I have been eating the same. This scares me and makes me feel as if I should start restriction again... to make it slow down.

Weird. But maybe this is necessary, I don't know. No idea what is going on. My body doesn't feel mine and it is doing whatever it wants. Also probably because my hormones are regulating themselves, my skin has become really bad on my face. This is annoying. I haven't had as many spots as I do now in a long time. It is really uncomfortable and I don't want to be in my body anymore.

I don't know if it is the same with losing weight. I would like to say that usually people are advised to lose weight slowly, I guess it should be the same with gaining weight then? I don't know, but it sounds like it makes sense. I just don't know. It is a weird situation and I don't know who can answer my questions. My doctors are not professionals in treating eating disorders, so I don't think they would be able to answer to my questions. But anyway, they are happy with my progress, so this is a plus! :) So much confusion though.

In my life, things are also complicated. I went to see the fifth flat. I had a job interview. A lot of things are going on and I don't feel like I am "there". I just want to step aside for a moment and see everything from the distance. But I just don't have enought time. Work needs to be done, life needs to be lived.

I don't know what to focus on. I have been thinking that I should focus on myself and gey my health back in check, but I feel like I want to put all of my energy into shaping my future and home. I guess I could do it, if I had enough support behind me. Support from my family, to be precise.

Family is always first for me and I always do things thinking of them. I always do what they think I should and tell me. With buying the flat, my dad is not that supportive and says that I look for something cheaper and so on and so on and then I feel that if I do something other than what he says, I am wrong. I just... want supprt. I am 27 already, but this still means a lot to me.

What else...

Up until now I have done something every day that I haven't been wanting to do and I will try to continue this. Maybe I can get my life back in check like this.