I suddenlt got this urge to write a little every single day for a week. I have had this love-hate relationship with my blog recently, but now I have stumbled upon loving writing so there is going to be a lot of text to come. Good luck with reading it all. :D I will try to focus on the detox part (you will understand soon enough), but I wanted to write things down about my week in general as well.

I have an addiction. Big and terrible and depressing and expensive and awful. And it means I am addicted to soft drinks. Or to be more accurate, Coca Cola. (And I mean Coca Cola Zero. Or to be even more precise, Pepsi Max, because - fight me - Pepsi is better than Coca Cola.)

Tuesday

So I decided to stop having it cold turkey. And it is difficult. Right now it is the first day and I already miss the fizz and sweetness, this boost of energy it gives me. But at the same time I had a whole bottle yesterday and I felt really shitty (my hands were shaking, my heart was pounding and I felt really anxious. Maybe it was due to something else, but anyway it was awful!) - so I decided to stop having it. I don't want to feel like this again. And this addiction has been going on for a long time already, enough is enough. Also, as I have a lot of spending in the future, saving couple of euros every day si a good thing. :D

In addition, at work we can have as much carbonated water for free as we want, so I am trying to deal with my addiction using this. It is not exactly that, but it is better than nothing. Also drinking more tea helps, but it is just not that!

I bought some new Lloyd tea (orange flavoured), which looked so good and smelled amazing. But I didn't read all of the ingredients at the store and didn't notice it has stevia in it. And stevia tastes ABSOLUTELY RANK, so I am undable to drink this tea. What a waste. I am thinking of maybe having it as an iced tea... I should brew some in the morning and put it in the fridge with a jar and then drink this instead of coke in the evening. I will let you know how it goes.

Random fact, but I was a few hundred grams lighter in the morning and it upset me. I need to gain weight. And I have been starting to eat a lot more recently, I don't know how this happened. Anyway I had a lot for lunch, and added big snacks. And in the evening I will make pasta with tofu and mushrooms. But it was an interesting feeling. I didn't get this "ah, yay" emotion that usually comes with losting weight. I don't want the number to got bigger, but I also don't want it to drop...

Wednesday

Õõõõõõh.My weight has gone up again, but I didn't get a positive emotion out of it. But... I have made peace with it. At the moment I am thinking of having a bigger snack than normally, because I need to. So yeah, I am managing the guilt at the moment. Because I need to gain. And besides, I want snacks. Why would't I have it then? And I did have a Bounty chocolate bar with dark chocolate. My favourite combo.

But how am I doing with my Coca Cola detox? Well, it is difficult. :D Yesterday I had this moment when I really wanted it. I went to two food stores and it was really difficult to just walk by soft drinks. Even during the yoga class I had this thought of needing some Coke. But I managed to stop myself. For example I had some tea at home instead. It is not it, but at least something. And I also forgot to try and make the orange iced tea. Maybe I will remember tomorrow.

I think that this Coke addition is a replacement for eating. It is kind of like... a filler. I drink myself full. Then I don't need to eat. Even though I should. But yeah, it is a tasty drink and it satisfies me, I don't need to have anything else. This is sick, but I can't help it. Every time when I have some Coke I feel so full and uncomfortable, but it is so good and I can't stop myself. This sucks.

I FINALLY started watching Lucifer. I am pretty bad at watching series and movies, I usually just watch YouTube, but now I have seen two episodes and I really like it. I don't know anything about new series. I am watching Brooklyn 99 with my sister and I also want to continue Modern Family. There are a lot of things people have recommended me though, for example my coworker liked Living with Yourself and it seems amazing considering the trailer.

So I made pasta yesterday and it was the best pasta I have ever made, I am pretty sure. :D I added penne, tofu, a lot of mushrooms and tomato paste, onion, carrots and a lot of garlic. It was super good. And again I had this thought about wow, I really can eat all this?! This comes as a surprise every time. :D

I have been thinking about food related challenges and seen what people on the internet have done. For example there are "I ate pizza every day for a week" and so on and I think it would be interesting to make one about "I ate pasta every day for a week", where I would have pasta as a dinner literally all week. :D I could try out different recipes and finally get over this pasta fear. And why not do it with pizza or rice also. For a week. Could be interesting and definitely would make me think about what to have and how to have it. :D So yeah, maybe something like this is coming up (but when I am living on my own, because I don't think my sister would really be delighted over it).

I want Coke.

I should go to the store and get some new tea. I finally finished a packet of green tea with citrus. I still have some interesting ones on my drawer though, what people have sent me. But I just can't drink them, because then they are gone! :D I should put all the teas I have together and pick one randimly every night. I have done so, but not with all the teas I have.

And I should start writing things down to my tea diary again as well. I have kept all the packages and I can do it, I just haven't found motivation to do it. Maybe it would be good change from drinking all this Coke? :D

What else - a lot of people have told me that they are really addicted to Coca Cola as well! I am not feeling as awful about myself thanks to this. :D I hope this post motivates you to detox from Coke as well...

Do you have any addictions or something you want to get rid of?

Half of the day is over currently and I haven't gotten much cravings at the moment. I had this before, in the morning, but not anymore. I have been drinking carbonated water and made some tea, not to mention coffee. I am drinking a lot less now that I am not having Coke though. But at the same time I feel like my energy levels are more stable and my stomach doesn't seem to be a black hole.

Thursday

As always, being at home in te evening made me want Coke, but I made some herbal tea. I really love Lloyd's ginger tea at the moment, perfect for cold days. And for dinner I made Japanese curry, because I discovered that I have two and a half blocks of it. Time to use it up... :D Also, it is super cheap meal - I had rice at home, but it costs less than an euro for half a kilo, onion was 10 cents, carrots were 6 sents, potatoes were 9 cents and I had curry from my Japan trip and it just cost like 2-3 euros per block. :D Anyway, really nice and cheap dinner. I am feeling like I had a bit too much fruit after that, but oh well.

I am thinking that if I am moving soon, I will try and have more cheap meals like this. I have also thought about a challenge where I eat the cheapest things at the supermarket and see how much money I end up spending. And I would like to blog about budgeting tips and such as well. I think it is better to do when you live alone, and I will probably spend less when I live alone as well. At least I am not a big spender anyway - I don't buy many clothes (except for when I need something for an event or so) or even if I do, I really like browsing the second hand stores. And I usually pick stuff that is not fast fashion. For example I have several items that are handmade and that are really cool. Maybe I could also blog about this.

In the morning my weight had gone up another 400 grams, which is quite a lot. Somewhy my weight fluxuates 900 grams daily. It makes no sense. This kind of made me upset though. SOO much again. Guilt appeared and started to beat me up. I felt really really really awful... I wanted to cry and I felt sick. And before the weigh in I felt really normal. After getting to know the number though, I felt "fat". It seemed like my arms and legs were suddenly bigger and my stomach was bloated and so on. It made no sense again and made me really upset with myself. So yeah, today is a bad body image day... things are not always as pretty as I make them out to be. Yes, I can say whatever, but I am still fighting my demons in my head constantly. And they are hecking strong. But I don't want to write only negative stuff here, I want to show that getting better and feeling better is possible.

So of course in the morning I thought about not adding a banana to my porridge. Silly idea. Of course I did have it. :D Then I thought that for a change I will top my porridge with mango and that's that. And then... I added some shredded coconut. This was huge for me. Because my weight was higher and I also didn't measure it with a spoon, I just added it straight from the package.

It was good. It could have been better, but every morning the breakfast cannot be 100%. :D And it is okay. Not all foods are perfect, no time to be stuck in it. If I looked for perfection, I could never eat again, because what if someone somewhere makes better food. :D

I thought for a moment that maybe I should give myself a break and have some Coke at work, but this is a slippery slope and I know it would end up with my buying another big bottle. I would be like "the challenge is ruined anyway". And I don't want it to go there.

I don't know, why, but I always get a craving when I don't have anything to do. Like yesterday I didn't go to the gym, because I was too lazy, and headed straight home instead. Then I had some free time between making food and getting home and I realllly wanted some Coke. But I managed not to, I made another cup of tea and watched some series. :D

Today after work I have vinyasa yoga class, which is my favourite. It is usually quite difficult though, a lot of downward facing dog poses and rising your legs, but it needs to be like that or it would be really boring. :D

My October has been really productive until now. I thought about writing a post about how I am doing things I have been putting of or have been too lazy to do, but this has become so personal and I don't know if I want to publish it. At the moment I have literally writen something down every day, it is kind of cool to follow your own progress. Maybe I can make them more general and still show you something. I will think about it.

At the moment I really want to go to the store and get my cat some cans of food. But the store has Coke and I don't know if I can not have it. :D I mean, I don't want to stop myself from drinking it for forever, but maybe I should make some rules regarding it. For example I can only have Coke on Fridays? Or when I go out? I don't know. :D I feel like I need to go out more then, haha. :D But today is third day and I am not craving it AS much currently. But it will come.

This post will be super long and boring. But I kind of feel like I really want to write EVERYTHING down. So I am sorry. But as usual, you are not obligated to read this all, I am just writing about my things and my struggles. :D

Today I am again having bigger snacks. I shall have some chocolate and cereal, in addition to my lunch. And like, proper amount of everything. I have huge stock of chocolates in my work drawer and I need to destroy them before they go off. Currently I have had a lot of fruit as snacks, but this became too safe and I wanted to move on. I also have some cookies. It has been a while since I had those apple and cinnamon rice waffles, and believe it or not, I am not craving them anymore. I didn't think this would ever happen. Also in general I feel like some things have lost their hold over me. Like I could have a lot of those waffles. Or I craved for potatoes and rice. But at the moment I am done with them. :D Yesterday I did make some rice dish, but it is not something I constantly want to have at the moment. I have had enough of it. Also it is the same with sandwiches. I didn't have them for a long time and I started to really crave bread. I was scared that if I had some, I would never stop. But as I have seen, this has become really normal.

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Friday

Uhhhh. I had a dream that today was Friday and I had Coca Cola. :D And then I woke up and felt guilty like did I really just fail my challenge. I was relieved to understand that this was just a dream, haha.

But yesterday evening I didn't even feel like Coke. Maybe also because I had a lot of things to do. I went to yoga class, then went by the store really fast and then went home. Started to glue the tea packs to my tea journal. I will take a picutre of it at some point. At the moment I am not writing down many comments, but I will still glue all the packs there. It is cool to just go through it and see what kind of teas I have tried. I also added all of my teas to ne box (different kinds I mean). But yeah, I am trying to replace Coke with tea and it has become a bit nicer, but I still miss the taste of Coke. :D

What else... today morning BOOM, another 400 grams gained. I could write it million times here that I am good and added cocoa powder to my morning porridge and I am not going to restrict myself, but the reality is a bit different. It really upset me. I have been bashing myself in my toughts at lot, I am anxious and I just can't deal with my body and I am feeling overall very uncomfortavle. I don't know. I am trying to tell myself that my body is just like OMG, food, I need to save it all because what if there will be another famine coming, but in reality - does it even matter if I tell this to myself over and over again? I don't know, at the moment I am feeling really emotional and can't think logically. But at the same time it is good to write these things down here. It gives me an outsider overview of everything. And like, it is really easy to tell other people positive things, writing stuff down is also easier and maybe, jsut maybe it helps.

Anyway yeah, not only the grams didn't change, but the first big number did as well. These moments are the toughest. I hope that it will go back down a bit, and the real weight gain isn't as big, but at the same time I want to get used to it and not be bothered by it anymore. I know that this will come. I didn't think I would get used to the previous big number change, but I did.

Also, I will repeat myself - I need to gain weight. For several reasons. For example I need to do life insurance, but the risk is too high and the insurance company doesn't offer this to me due to my underweight situation. Secondly I have my psychologist appointment on Monday and I need to show some progress. I don't want to end up back at the hospital. And thirdly - I have more energy. Believe it or not, but at first the yoga classes were really difficult to me, but right now I can follow along easily. I don't feel really fatigued during the class. So in general this is... good? I just wish that I wasn't as obsessed with this freaking number on the scale. I have been thinking about not weighing myself and just being and eating, but this not knowing would be toughter and I would start to restrict myself "just in case". Argh. I make myself so annoyed with myself. And this happens all the time. :D

Anyway yeah. I hope I can keep up with my detox. I keep thinking that well, Firday could be an exception, but... it is a slippey slope. Similar to the weight gain thing. If I start restricting again, I will have to do it more tomorrow and even more the day after. I can't let it go down to this road again.

So here is the end to this post. Are these kind of weekly recaps interesting, or should I focus on one topic only?

And to finish it off - thank you if you have ever commented something regarding my blog. These make my day so much better.