I Won't Quote

Did some scrapbooking at the hospital and others really liked it.

Wednesday

Breakfast 8:30 - millet porridge, cup of coffee, cup of milk, bread with egg and butter, white bread with cheese and tomato, an apple. (I felt so full and I had no apetite at all.)

Snack 11:00 - half of Geisha chocolate, cup of tea. (It is weird when you are just forced to eat chocolate. Made some tea on the side, it was good. And it was nice to tip chocolate into it.)

Lunch 13:00 - rice with vegetables, cup of kefir, tomato and cucumber salad, one slice of bread, one slice of toast, strawberry-berry compor. (I was too full again, I also had to drink some water as I was unable to get the bread down. Rice was really good.)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla ice cream, 3 chocolate candies. (I had to eat the candies really fast, because others were already finished, which did not let me enjoy my snack and it was in my mind for a long time. I felt like wasting calories. Ice cream was good though, but it is weird to eat so many sweet things in a day...)

Dinner 17:00 - vegetable and cabbage soup, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and cheese, banana. (I did not feel hungry at all. For real, all we do here is eat. I want the first weigh in to be over already so I know how much I gained and can freely freak out.)

Snack 19:30 - rhubarb-strawberry yoghurt, handful of dried fruits and nuts. (Finally, today is done. It came with a crying fit after dinner, a lot of guilt and loneliness. I don't want to be here. Everything is too much and I just want out. Everything is too suddenly. It is only the third day, but it is killing me.)

Thursday

Thursday morning I was weighed again and my new number was 37.5 kg, which means that only in 3 days, I have gained 1.3 kg. This is definitely too much. There is so many thoughts and panic in my head. Even the doctor mentioned that few kgs in a week is too much and now this already within 3 days? I got to talk to my doctor and tried to ask how much of a weight gain would be normal. But I did not get an answer. They told me that if something is wrong, they will change it, but currently they will let it go as it has been. What's more, I was told that they will probably keep me here until Christmas. Which is such a long time. I don't know how my workplace will take it etc...

They won't do the brain scan again as it was done in Tallinn already when I was at the hospital there and in 6 months the results don't reallty change, so that is good. My bloodwork was okay, some vitamins were a bit lower than recommended so they prescribed that.

Breakfast 8:30 - oatmeal with apricot jam, butter and egg on toast, butter and cheese with cucumber on bread, glass of tomato juice which I managed to change into apple-orange juice, cup of coffee with milk. (It was very difficult to eat this, as I was feeling really bad due to the weight gain. Stomach was too full again. I managed to cry during a meeting where we talk about our emotions. I also have a slight headache and I didn't sleep too good. Maybe I will ask for a painkiller, maybe it will numb the pain in my thoughts as well. I don't know, I don't know what to do and I canõt get these bad feelings out.)

Snack 11:00 - Tupla chocolate, cup of tea. (To be fair, I love chocolate. Especially Tupla. And I love eating it. But at the moment I am so... angry at myself and at my weight that I don't want it and it makes the whole process really uncomfortavle. Especially because there is a small break and then it is lunch time already, which is always the most food.)

Lunch 13:00 - potatoes with vegetables, one slice of bread, one slice of toast, cup of kefir, cocoa and orange. (I don't understand it, people do not normally have two huge slices of bread with every single meal. But we have to do this here. It is dry and it sucks. For example I want a pastry for my next snack, but if I am already eating that much bread... I cannot. Stomach is so full again and I am feeling awfully anxious. I have waves of anxiety going over me, it means I will get really hot suddenly and then really cold and it keeps switching and spreading all over my body.)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla curd cream. (I am feeling so full that it was difficult to swallow. I just had a longer chat with my doctor prior to this, so I made it into the kitchen a little late and did not manage to make myself a cup of tea ant more. Even though I would have liked one. And now there is 2 hours and already dinner.)

Dinner 17:00 - huge, I mean really huge, portion of pasta with vegetables, tomato and cucumber salad, bread with cheese and butter, toast with cheese and butter, an apple. (Others had soup, which I would have liked, but whatever. Today there were two proper meals. A bit scary, as I was not hungry and haven't felt hungry in here ever.)

Snack 19:30 - vanilla ice cream, 3 chocolate candies. (Okay, this was horrible. Wrong choice. I wanted ice cream, but it was too little, so I had to take some candies as well. I took 2 different ones. And then again I had to have them really fast so I didn't enjoy it at all. And ice cream wasn't as good as I hoped, too. In general there were so many guilty feelings from today. Especially from the candies. I feel bad for my decisions. I feel really stupid. From the weigh-in in the morning, too. I want it to be Monday already, so I would know how much I have gained and I hope it is a bit less than 1.3 kgs. I know I need to gain weight, but I don't want it to come so rapidly...)

At one point art therapy was too little, so I started to make some sketches on my own. This portrays the thing where I am doing my tea challenge, and it is one of my favourite pictures. I also recognize myself on this picture, as I felt like drained and used teabag a lot of the time.


I wouldn't maybe say I cried all the time in my mind; I would rather say that my thoughts were cloudy and dark.


This is how I felt most of the time. Later it came to my attention that my blood had too little iron, which causes shortness of breath, which I had. So depression + lack of iron = panic. I think others may recognize themselves here as well, for example one of the caretakers who always seemed super positive, said she saw herself on the picture.


I feel like I now slept to make up for all these nights I only got a few hours. And I still felt tired a lot. But for depression, sleep is just as necessary as cup of sweet tea or some lighter sedative. I still find it difficult to draw faces, I wish I was better.... I know I used to be better at it, but at the moment I don't have enough patience for it as well.


Also another just a daily picture. I think that as much as I slept I also cried. Especially at nights. And it was not a rare occasion where my roommate tried to calm me down, because I was straight up hysterical. Rain-focused drawings were very "in", and I think the one on the right shows well how depression also brings worrying and paranoia etc. And then you feel that instead of protecting yourself, you are generating worries.


Head in clouds. I feel like this was somewhat a better day. Listen to your heart as you listen to music. Catching the stars and living with your head in clouds. I wish these days were more regular visitors. I don't know if I actually was in better mood, but maybe... Somewhy I love the clouds picture. Clouds are there, but it is not raining yet.


For this I dunno what to say. Maybe "I tried to use only lines and I cannot draw hands" or "I felt trapped and only pulling my hair helped, and it was weird. It felt like there was white nothingness around me and nothing helps me to feel things thank this - t least there is physical pain and you know you exist." Take it or leave it.


I wanna be cool and deap person and say that this picture shows eating disorder well. I didn't actually think that I am affected by media, but to think about it... TV and magazines are FULL of diets. After christmas - diet. New year - diet. Summer is comind - diet. Diet, DIEt, DIET. But okay, It is just a sketch.


This picture does not even have a story. I just were sketching some plants in order to figure out new look for my bullet journal and also wanted to draw something related to tea (because the first tea picture is my favourite), but I wasn't really into drawing people. So there is this weird... table there :'D.


Stripes and friends, sketch-me and sketch-friend. I dunno, it just felt like a cool style to try. My journal, where I just wrote rants down and drew in also got this picture, because I really liked it. You don't always have to have some big and important topic for drawings.

With music, I got this weird sense that I couldn't "just" enjoy it. I was really stuck in writing reviews and always started to analyse stuff. But you can listen to music just for listening. So you can draw just for the act of drawing, too.


If anyone would like to know how I felt at the hospital around 99% of the time. Here you go: portrait of Signe.


Sometimes I wish I could silence my mind. Sometimes I wish I could silence myself in order not to complain or rant at others. Sometimes I wish I could manage my emotions, I wish the outside world was quiet.


Cats were in and one of the caretakers was complaining at the lack of colourful pictures (the same who got the hospitalized cloud picture). I made something colourful, then. For Motu!


I made picture of Van Gogh in art therapy (next post about art will be art therapy one) and as my second huge favourite is Gustav Klimt, I wanted to make his Tree of Life, in some way. It is literally a silly sketch, I don't even know why I decided to add it here. Maybe to show how not always stuff works out? Maybe.


Example of me when the doctor or psychologist or nurse asked, how I am feeling. I did not know. I don't even know now. This is the most difficult thing you can ask from someone suffering from depression. I don't want to immediately complain, it would be polite to say "fine", but at the same time you are at the hospital, where you HAVE to say what is baf. So all of this is one huge confusing I don't know.


I still cannot draw any faces, but... Anyway, I guess this just shows an emotion I had, where it was a bit difficult to cope with stuff. Again.


Okay, so here is a face. But it is not regular. I had some thing with different coloured parts like this, so... For example the previous cat picture was similarly made. Now, to think about it, one could say that every colour is different feeling and the stripes are a way to try and fit them inside the boundaries, but it did not work out. It is what it is, it is something.


This is a real "work of art", with an actual thought but into it. Mulgi area of Estonia was looking for logo, so I took a wolf-like creature and bridge motives. After making this I read the terms and conditions and you were supposed to make the thing in photoshop and make example documents and all that. Impossible for me, as I have no computer art skill. But I liked having a topic.


Again this emptiness that is and does not leave and just goes through me and which you can't see but what you would like to show. It is difficult to show that I am ill, when I don't have anything to physically show. I wish... somehow... Maybe write it onto my forehead? Or make a shirt? I bet Awstuffi has a good idea for it.


And the first sketch I made at home!

So... until next time then, I guess?

My psychologist told me that I should make a schedule for my day, using about 30 minute long blocks. Due to some days being really slow and boring. Anyway, I thought I will make a post about this to show what my "regular" or "normal" day at the mental hospital looked like.

I picked just a random Thursday (which list I actually made and wrote down to my bullet journal). Also it is the day where I did not get ECT , as this is done under general anaesthesia and you are not supposed to eat or drink anything beforehand and for us, it was usuallt between 9 and 11.


Example of my activities.

07:00 - 08:00 waking up, brushing my teeth and getting dressed, washing my face and making my bed
08:00 - 08:30 breakfast and medicine
09:00 - 09:15 smoking break, or for me, walking around in the yard
09:20 - 10:00 filling my bullet journal and reading "Self-compassion", a book my psychiatrist lent me
10:00 - 10:30 coffee (I had to have decaf) time and youtube or just social media time
10:30 - 11:00 colourin book
11:00 - 11:30 just internet time, looking for jobs (I have to say there were lot of times where I just didn't do anything and even played Candy Crush)
11:30 - 12:00 listening to the music
12:00 - 12:30 lunch
12:30 - 13:15 reading "The Nightmare" by Lars Kepler (criminal book)
13:15 - 13:30 walk-break
13:30 - 14:00 reading "Anorexia Workbook", borrowed by my psychologist
14:00 - 14:30 looking for some fun ideas on pinterest
14:30 - 16:00 art therapy
16:00 - 16:30 drawing something by myself, working on bullet journal
16:30 - 17:00 dinner
17:00 - 18:30 sister visits, we go for a little walk outside and store
18:30 - 19:00 shower
19:00 - 19:45 drinking tea, talking to others, fill my tea-journa
19:45 - 20:00 snack time (it is a bit sad that I have added "at least try to communicate others here)
20:00 - 20:30 daily recap for myself
20:30 - 21:00 getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth
21:00 medication time and going to sleep after that

As you are able to see here... it was rather difficult to come up with stuff sometimes. Still I did feel very safe and good there. Everything was just flowing in it's own rhythm, no sudden changes or unplanned events.

Thursday was also the day where doctors visited their patients with their personal nurses. It was time to get feedback from them, it was time to complain to them.

On other days we had a little more to do, for example we did something similar to guided meditation (relaxing exercises with breathing technics) and listening to the music together. Sometimes there were also small concerts or such (I never attended those). But yeah, you can see they did try to make some events for us.

Why last 3 weeks were especially difficult for me, was because they cut my right to go out during breaks or even with other people, because I was not gaining enough weight.

Something that really helped me was drawing and art. It became a huge part of my days, even though I am not super good at it and these pictures are made rushed and without much thought. It helped me to pass the time.

I got a set of small papers from art therapist, pencil, eraser and pencil sharpner. I myself had colourful pens and I decided to use the red - I created red period in my own art.

Meaning (almost) on every picture there is something red: the ones withput have a different story to them. So okay, let me tell you about these pictures.

I would like to get some feedback as well, but it seems that no one is interested in commenting and to be honest I am not surprised. It is a weird topic and even getting anyone to read it, surprises me.



This is my favourite picture, because this shows exactly how I felt at the hospital in the beginning. A big shadow, some presence. It was my eating disorder, not depression I think. The thing is that my body is so malnourished and does not have enough strength to function and ged rid of depression. My body's BMI is too low. I weighted 43 kg when I got to the hospital (I am 170 cm tall), so the BMI was 14,84. Anorexics are considered people from 17,5, which would mean I have to have body mass of 50 kg. Only then psychotherapy would help me. That is also why they didn't start with ECT right away. I needed to live a little better. Yep, they even considered sending me to intensive care unit.



Here I think I wanted to show how a number has completely taken over my life. Because even right now I do not want to change. It is like measuring tape around my head and I can't get rid o it. Or... I don't want to get rid of it? I have, by now, lived like this for years and I don't have any strength to get rid of it. To fight with myself.

Oh yeah it would be so nice to eat like a whole 100g chocolate per day. Be happy for every extra bite. Drink nutri-drinks. I think I could do it. Not care. But I am scared. I am scared of the change, because I only know myself as I am right now. This post does not make any sense any more, but I am just writing down whatever comes to my mind now.



The story behind this picture is eather pretty. It shows how I want to help others. I wanted to help others whe whole time I was at the hospital. I wanted to make others feel better. I felt stronger when someone else was sadder. I was a shoulder to cry on. I was watering pot, when someone needed strength to bloom.



This shows accidentally what I was (am?). At the hospital I was often given an extra apple or banana, thus the picture was born after lunch one day.

In Norwegian, the apple’s core is called “epleskrott”. “Skrott” also translates “carcass”, but Norwegians usually uses the term for a body that is still alive but very tired from exceeding strains and hardships that should be utterly destroying the human body and mind and soul - one friendly soul wrote this to me on Twitter as a response.



I wanted to make something colourful for a change, but at the same time to express that I was lost. Still am though.



Sleep helped me feel better. Finally, for the first time in a year I managed to rest fully. Sleep was my cure. My rest.



My mum said that my eating disorder is like a demon on my shoulder. I translated it into picture like this. She was happy over it. Me too, to be honest.



I felt as if I was the most wasteful person. I wasted space, overall. The second day at the hospital... I kept crying. I felt like everyone else had it worse, they suffered more, they were in worse situation and I thought I did not belong there.

I have to say that all the people I cried for, meant very much to me at the end. I am glad we are already planning some meetups. Finally we can share our hardships between us, because we know what we have gone through.



Oh how I wish I could just put my brain into washing machine, wash out the stupid ideas and keep living. Oh how I wish.

Anyway, here are some pictures from after the red period:



These gentleman with cat-hair and dog-hair found their way to my doctor's wall, as she said she collects stuff like this when she was visiting me in my room and spotted the picture on the window.

After this it was easy to give one more thing away:



This travelled home with one of the guardians who always looked through my pictures when she was checking the rooms. She always gave me reviews, honest reviews. As an exchange, she brought me a small statue of an angel that is now taking care of me. :)

I will write about works I made in art therapy as well as some other pictures that were reviewed by the mentioned guardian. If anyone is interested.

It is actually easier and nicer to write stuff down between the pictures. Even when my writing and picture do not have any connection. Somehow they are mine and show my feelings better than words. Somehow they are enqually important as stuff that I write down. And they remind me of people, situations, feelings.

Anyway, talk to you soon. Maybe I will post more pictures, maybe not. Maybe I will write about my eating disorder behaviours and triggers. Maybe I don't.

For example today at home I got super intense panic attack. It was the same feeling I got right when I woke up from anesthesia, except that I just woke up from normal sleep. Just for a moment I did not understand anything, colours were supert intense and nothing made suddenly sense. Thoughts did not move as they were supposed to, I did not understand my emotions, I didn't know if there was any basis for my thoughts and I just did not know what to do to feel normal again.

Today it was the fifth time for ECT, meaning next on Wednesday will be the last one. And I do feel better, people tell me I even look better. The bad part is that I still haven't gained more than 1 kg since I came to stay at the hospital. And if by the end of this month there is no weight gained, I will be sent to Tartu, where they have specialized facility for eating disorder treatment. Fuck.



One really sweet girl, Hannele, drew my portrait in art therapy. :) She is fourth person to draw me no reason. I wish I was talented enough to make something for her as well.

Oh, about this - I have been drawing, painting etc quite a bit and I will surely make a post about my art as well. People surprisingly seem to like it.

Apparently I went to see Captain Marvel with Silja and her friend. But... I don't remember it at all. Just... nada. I have no idea what this movie was about, I only remember there was a cat as character, and I don't even remember if it was explained why it had the role or...

We also apparently had pizza. I wish I would remember, because Kaja Pizza is really good...

But well, I was really happy today when I told the ECT doctor that "Well, yay, I get to see the movie again then!" The memory and amnesia topic is quite fascinating.

Today I elt how the numbness flew from my arm to rest o my body and I passed out. We got the treatment done quite fast, but still only had an hour between breakfast and lunch, meaning I felt really full and very guilty.

Also they left cannula into my hand, and it is annoying and bit painful. At least it will be my last treatment on Wednesday!! I don't hate it but it is rather uncomfortable.

My doctor mentioned that this is really popular treatment in USA, amongst famous people, but it is super expensive. So I am quite lucky to get it done for free. And I know it helps, I have seen it help and it has already showed a lot of positive things for me. I believe things wil get even better and I am glad that there are no side efects besides temporary memory loss.

About what has changed in me is also that my sense of humor is somewhat back and I have energy to talk to people again. It is a huge change, because I used to escape whenever there was anyone in the room that showed signs of wanting to communicate with me.

Again - if you have any questions, I'll gladly answer!

I was the first one this time as well. It is still weird when they attach the metal plates to my forehead and behind my left ear. But honestly - it is doing something and helping somehow. They explained a little more - the electric impulse balances sides of the brain and thanks to this is helps with depression (as well as with other mental problems). This time I felt the weird numbness in my hand again when they put me under anesthesia, but also it seems like each time it takes me longer to fall asleep. Just by few seconds, but still.

Also, despite the procedure lasting maximum 20 minutes, I feel as if I slept for hours.

About my memory - this time I remembered everything, almost. I just couldn't remind myself the day or date. The other girl getting ECT freaked out and got really panicky - she had no idea why or where she was, she didn't even remember being at psychatric hospital and kept asking why she was there.

For me, this was third time and currently they want to do it 6 times. So next one is on Friday and then again on Monday and Wednesday. Unless they decide I need more than six sessions; I believe maximum they do is 10 times.

I hope that for me 6 is enough. Maybe I can also stay at home and only come in for the procedure. I would gladly pay for taxi, if no one can take me to hospital; I just really want to go home and get to my own things!

Today I don't have this strange empty and light feeling as I did last time. I don't know if it is better or worse. I mean, I am just regular me, maybe I only have little more space for my thoughts somehow - for example I am not thinking too much about food or other worrying things.

Only side efect today was headache, but luckily I got a painkiller and some food soon enough. They even took my cannula out today, which will be put back on Friday. I learned quite an interesting thing - without using, cannula can be in your vein for 72 hours only. Random, but interesting.

I will try and write out my eating disorder story as well, then. It seemed like some of you are interested. Maybe I can also add my food diary, could be interesting (and shocking for people not from Estonia, as Estonian hospital food is well.. really what you cannot imagine, I think).

If anyone has any other questions about Estonian psychiatric hospital, feel free to ask. I would love to write about anything related to it. You can contact me via e-mail (signe.kerge@gmail.com), Facebook (Signe Kerge) or just write a comment under this post.

I am honestly amazed due to the fact people seem to be actually interested in reading about my treatment and stuff, But I think this is good as well - I decided on my dentist thanks to some girl blogging about her braces experience and it could be that one day this helps someone else as well. It is interesting and growing practice and more people should be aware of it. And I am glad to be here and have this done to me; the doctor here is known all around the world and I believe I am in good hands.

Talk to you soon!

Today they left cannula into my hand. My veins on the back of my hands are too small so the location of cannula is really bothering me, in addition to everything bothering me anyway.

From our department, there are 3 people (including me) getting ECT currently. I was again taken as first one to get the treatment. This time I didn't feel any discomfort while getting injections into my hand, but at the same time I was much more sure that I will not fall asleep. Which I luckily did, of course. And I can remember how vision got blurry and twisted.

When I woke up, my head or teeth didn't hurt, the only part hurting was my cannula, but it passed soon as well. I only have a little headache which I will ask medicine as soon as I finish this post.

The weirdest abot ECT is when they attach those small plates onto me.

Last time my memory was okay, but this time, as soon as I got back to our division building, I just stopped in the middle of the stairs, as I could not remember where or which number my room was. It came back to me soon enough, but it was weird empty feeling for a second there.

Someone asked if amnesia is scary, but no. It is surprising. I was sincerely surprised that I could not remember such a simple thing, even though I have been here for a while. I also called my mum and had to several times ask, which day it was. Also, as before ECT you are not allowed to eat, I struggled to find the kitchen. Finally had my breakfast at 11 and lunch already at 12.

I haven't really written about my eating disorder; would anyone like to hear more about that as well...? Maybe it would be useful or me though, as I tend to make more sense of stuff after telling it to someone or simply writing it all down. Also this may be helpful for someone else too.

My head feels sort of... empty? And light. But at the same time I feel like a baby and would like to cry a lot.

Next session soon and I will write again then, Right now I am full and feeling guilty because of it.