I Won't Quote

On the last post comments there was a lot of talking about if and how should one mark down the food they eat. Several times people talked about if I have enough protein in my diet and so on. Everything made a lot of sense, so I just wanted to say thank you for the comments. These kind of things are really helpful and I especially like when you make up stories about the stuff. Like this comment about builders.

Let me write it down here: For example if you compare building your organism with building site, then builders (organism's mechanisms) are already tired of saying "there aren't enough bricks", "there isn't enough sand", "there isn't enough rocks" etc. The guys are tired and they are saying "there is fucking nothing, we can't build like this, fuck you all! Bring some materials, then we can talk". Now when you start to eat, the builders don't start working right away. They just keep yelling "there aren't enough materials". I don't think you can give them everything until it reaches the right amount. If you only give them sand, the result is not a house, but a pile of sand and they don't stop yelling, because there still aren't enough bricks and rocks.

Toon välja selle koha: A’la, kui võrrelda organismi ülesehitamist ehitusplatsil toimuvaga, siis ehitajad (organismi intuitiivsed mehhanismid) on juba väsinud ütlemast “telliseid on vähe”, “liiva on vähe”, “tsementi on vähe” jne. Tüübid on tüdinud ja ütlevad “mitte s**tagi ei ole, niimoodi ehitada ei saa, minge te ka kõik p**sse! Tooge ehitusmaterjale, siis räägime edasi”.
Nüüd, kui hakkad sööma, siis ehitajad ei lülitu kohe ideaalsesse projektijuhtimisrutiini, vaid hoolimata sellest kas puudu puudu on telliseid, liiva või tsementi karjuvad igal juhul “ehitusmaterjale on vähe”. Ma ei usu, et sellises situatsioonis, kus organismi ehitajad karjuvad, et ehitusmaterjale on vähe, on päris ükstakõik, mis materjale neile kokku vedada, peaasi, et tonnid oleks kohal. Kui ainult liiva kohale vedada, siis ei ole tulemuseks maja vaid liivahunnik ja ehitajate karjumine ei pruugi vaiksemaks jääda, sest telliseid ja tsementi on ikka vähe.

At the same time I have read a lot about extreme hunger, so this seems legit as WELL. Especially if you read about Minnesota Starvation Experiment. So I still don't know what to think of the whole thing. 

But actually I wanted to say that I haven't had this moment of overeating now. Yes, I have had more food, but I have had it constantly. I don't restrict the whole day and then binge on food in the evening. Even though I have thought about doing OMAD (one meal a day) diet, because I could manage it well. Or devide my meals into two and skip lunch, because this feels the most pointless (and difficult).

Anyway, how I have been doing with veganuary? Very well! I have kept myself from having animal products and I don't really have to check ALL of the labels. I can already pick up stuff that is vegan. Sometimes I still check the package, but I now have a list of things I regularly have and this is nice. And I have tried sooooo many new things, my recap of new products this month will be super long. :D

Then at one point (literally this weekend) my sister moved and with this I knew that we were going to order food or pick something up from the supermarket. And my parents are not supportive of being completely vegan, so I needed to do something. And I ended up offering that as my sister's new flat is really nearby mine, I will make food and we can go and eat there during the day.

And then I took another step and decided on making pasta. The scaaarryyyy food that I am still unable to eat on my own. At one point it was already easier, but now I haven't had it in a while again. But at the same time I can say that potatoes and rice are completely fine with me and I am not scared of them anymore. Well, at least this goes for potatoes. Rice is so-so.

But in the morning at 5:30 I got up (I needed to be at the old flat by 8) and as I didn't make the food a day before, I needed to do that. Mostly because I was too lazy. But a little because I knew that if I made food earlier, I would have wanted to have it right away. This is so stupid.

Anyway I mixed up whole wheat pasta, added onion, garlic, seasonings (pepper, salt, persillade), sundried tomatoes, zucchini, chickpeas and I added oat cream to make it nice and creamy.

And everyone liked it! In addition to my family, my sister's friend was also helping us, and she is really good at cooking. But now they call my place "Signe's restaurant", which is so sweet. :D It was such a simple dish, but my sister never makes pasta and it is also not part of my parents' diet (maybe I find pasta difficult to eat, because we never made it at home? Ohhh, I think this may be it, hehe!). And we were hungry. But anyway, it was really fillinf and chickpeas deffinitely helped with that. My dad is one of the people mentioning protein all the time, so I thought of him when I added it. :D

For dessert I had chocolate banana bread, which I topped with coconut milk blueberry yoghurt. And everyone really liked this as well. :D I loved it, as it was the second time I made this banana bread already. :D I can write down the recipe, if anyone wants it, just let me know!

On Saturday we moved and on Sunday me and my sister went back to the old place to clean up. We went to get food from the store during the day and then we really craved for some coffee. I had a headache too, because I am used to having at least three cups a day. :D Luckily there is a small food store near our old place, that has a coffee machine. I went there, picked up some oatmilk and went back home. It was really nice. :D

Anyway, then we cleaned and defrosted the fridge, which took no less than SIX hours. I read "Painted man" (I haven't gotten too far) and it is amazing. It reminded me the time where I just read for several hours. It was really nice to read and have coffee. And me and my sister got to talk a little and just spend some time togeter, as we haven't done much of it recently.

Today I am planning to make kimchi-tofu-mushroom soup. For two days, because tomorrow we still need to go back to the old flat, as some stuff was STILL left behind. I just didn't have enough hands yesterday to carry all the bags. :D And then it is good to have prepared dinner for tomorrow. And I just need to heat it up. If you want the recipe, again, let me know. 

Anyway, there is stil la bit of Veganuary left... are there any foods that I should really try and make? I have been good and made quite a bit of new things, not only had my baked sweet potato and vegan patties (even though I have had those as well, sometimes I am busy or just crave for it. And it is not a bad thing to have). But yeah, I would like to try out some new things still. :D

I am still thinking of eating fully plant based after January, but in February I will have all the sweets and snacks people have brought me, because I don't want them to go bad. And I have to admit I have a lot of snacks.

Is there anything else I need to mention in this post? Hmmm...

I really want to go to Commune Cafe with my friend. We are hopefully meeting up on Wednesday. I should ask her. 

And on Wednesday the first episode of "Expensive calories" is airing. I will probably live-blog it. And I wanted to say that this is all ONLY my opinion, I don't want to bring anyone down or leave an impression that I know how people are feeling. I am just writing this as an anorexia sufferer. :)

I will also try and add more pictures to my instagram stories, I haven't done it much recently.

Anyway, have a beautiful snowy January!

I have always avoided writing about it, because it just doesn't make sense and I don't know what to believe. But at the same time I need to admit that this is in full force and I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to run with it. What am I talking about? About my new friend - extreme hunger.

This is awful, honestly. I just eat and eat and eat and cry and eat some more, because I am ne-ver full. I doesn't matter how much food I have, I still feel like I could go for more. I do understand it a bit though - my body has been starving and it wants to eat all that I missed. But it is awful. It is difficult both mentally and physically, because I am always super full and bloated.

But at the same time I am not the only one living through this thing. I have talked to many oter sufferers who say that they are in a same place. As soon as you finish one meal, you start to dream about the next one and this continues every single day.

Up until now I haven't really let myself go. I have had all the meals in my own tempo and during "mealtimes". But I have done it more recently! Like when I am still hungry after lunch, I let myself have something else and I think that this is right and it is how I should do. I don't think I should suffer hunger. But at the same time I still have this fear of overeating and I wonder if I end up in TV on some freaky show about food addicts.

Regarding this, I was told about an Estonian TV show called "Expensive calories" and ohhhhhh boyyyyy how angry it made me. I am pretty sure that these people just need psychologist appointments, not put into one room with a fridge full of unhealthy snacks, food and drinks. Honestly, most of their problems are mental and they should start with this. But nooooo, let's think about how to make money and ruin these people. If you are thin and all that, you are pretty and all the other problems just disappear. People admire you and you feel good and you are healthy. NO. Believe me, I have been through this. I lost over 20 kilos and do you think I felt better? Do you think my life was good, I got attention and all of my dreams came true? No, no and no. Honestly, things became much worse. I couldn't focus on anything, my attention span was really bad, I couldn't think about anything else than food. I didn't CARE about attention, I was too tired to do anything. This TV show will make it's participants' relationship with food even worse. And they can say that omg, this is the best thing that has happened to me and I feel so good and everything is fine, but is it really? I guess they need to keep up good attention and they will get a lot of spotlight. But, for God's sake, don't people think about the results? How this may affect people with eating disorders? There are a lot of people suffering from ED-s, I am too lazy to Google the percentage, but it is not small! A lot of people suffer without realising it. And then let's just make it into a TV show and make people feel bad about eating? Like, hell, this makes me angry.

I know that this TV show will have triggering effect on me and I am sure I want to start restricting again. But I can't NOT watch it either, so on Wednesday you will find me in front of my TV, angry and upset. But I am curious. I have this weird feeling. I just wish that they didn't do this experiment on people who have completely other kind of problems. Aaah. I can't even write my thoughts down in a way that it would make sense. Maybe some other bloggers can. I just wanted to share my frustration.

What else has happened? I completed a huge challenge. I hadn't had rice this year yet, but I was really craving for it. And then I thought I have a lot of beans Globus sent me, I should try and make some chilli or something. I really like chilli, but I hadn't made it in ages. So I went to the store and got rest of the ingredients.

My completely random recipe had garlic, onion, carrots, red kidney beans, green pepper, can of crushed tomatos, some corn and from seasonings I added chilli powder, Korean chilli paste, salt, pepper, coriander and cumin. Oh, and some sugar to balance out the tartness of tomatos. But you can leave it out. And I made some porridge rice. I like this more than normal kind, because it reminds me of sushi rice, a bit sticky. And it is chepaer than sushi rice, so this is a great hack. :D

Anyway, I had a lot of it. I made it enough to have three portions, but considering I am a volume eater, I knew I would have it twice. I put half of it in the fridge to have on the next day. As my sister is about to move, I needed to go to her place and help with packing and I wouldn't have had time to cook anyway, so it was nice to have leftovers.

It is always difficult for me to make food for several days in a row, because whenever I have cooked food at home, I always want to finish it. So then I keep saying that I don't like to have the same meal several days in a row. Though in all honesty, it is no problem, especially if the food is tasty.

Now in January I have this breakfast challenge going on, where I take pictures of all of my breakfasts. I am wondering if it would be interesting to see what I have for dinners? Maybe it would be an idea for February. I wouldn't do it with lunches though, because I eat at work where taking pictures is just weird and my lunch is usually some packaged food from the store. It would be challenge to cook at home and take it to work though. I will think about it. :D

But yeah, that is all from me for today. I want to tell more about my challenges, but they are still ongoing, hehe. :D

When my friend came over and we had the pizza night, we talked about not having anything to do and to waste time, we go out for walks. Like... I used to have hobbies. Where have they gone?

For example I used to watch a lot of films and even anime. At the moment I am not doing this at all, because I feel like I can't focus for that long. It is much easier to watch Youtube videos, becuse in general they are not that long and when I don't like something, I can pick another one. So yeah, I am not really a fan of watching TV. Yesterday I took a look around in Netflix and I thought that oh, maybe I should watch this or that, but then I checked how long it is and decided that I don't have enough energy for that. And I didn't want it to play on the background either, because it would be such a waste. Only thing I have sort of managed to watch is My Kitchen Rules, but this also annoys me, because they always repeat the episodes and I have seen them already. :D

Then... I used to attend a choir practice. But I don't think starting to sing at home randomly would be a nice thing to do (even though in the last place I lived, there was a girl who was an opera singer and I could hear her practicing all the time). But yeah, that is a no from me.

I have never been a dancer and honestly even thinking about it makes me embarrassed. I have turned on some music more loudly and done some steps, but as soon as I do it, I pause the music and sit back down. This is not for me!

What else? I used to read a lot. I read one a day or was awake half of the night in order to read. But at the moment I don't have enough patience, attention and I am just not feeling like it. It just seems so boring. And like... a waste of time, even though it isn't. Because is watching Youtube better?! Also I should contact the magazine I ordered as I have not received my January one. I just saw that they took money from my account but I still haven't gotten it. But yeah, considering me, I wouldn't even read it.

In addition to these things, a big role in my life has sport. I used to love (and still do) running and all kinds of group workouts, but this is not possible at the moment. It is slippery and cold outside and I don't have proper gear to run.

Also, I would like to, I don't know, learn languages or something. But all kinds of group things are paused due to corona. It is depressing. Today I came to the office simply to get out of the house, because I feel I will go mad at home.

Anyway, considering all this, I go for walks a lot. Like yesterday I walked to the one shopping center THREE times. Firstly in the morning to buy some decorations for home (which I think is really pretty, hahaa :D).

Then later I thought I will make kimchi-tofu-mushroom soup as I just came across a recipe and I decided to go and buy some kimchi. And all of the kimchi was gone. I was really upsed because I really wanted that soup. Oh well.

And then in the evening I was like... I should go to the store and get some soya yoghurt. Even though I still have half a tub of coconut yoghurt and I planned to have porridge for breakfast anyway. But I STILL went outside and walked to the store, I just couldn't keep still and I was sooooo bored.

When I get home it was still quite some time until dinner, there was nothing on the TV and I was bored of the computer. So I finally picked up my scrapbook and started one for 2021! It was kind of nice to work on it, but as I don't have printed out pictures, I couldn't really do much. I should look at the photos I have taken and send them to be printed out.

It was kind of calming. I had a weird feeling all day and a bit of anxiety, so it was nice to have some time for myself. I had some tea on the side and just wrote stuff down. It was really nice. But at the same time I still felt like "ugh I don't feel like doing it". I pushed it aside, but it still was on my mind. :S I don't know if scrapbooking is called a hobby, but it is a nice activity that I do on my free time so I guess? I don't know.

We will see what I do next. I guess I should take this list of things and try all the activities, maybe I like somethign again. Is this what depression is, just laying on bed or on a sofa and stare at the ceiling? Honestly, I would even pick an obsession right now, like Korean music used to be. Because I am just... so... bored.

But it was nice that on Saturday a couple of friends and a relative came over. They brought me so many things. ;_; A lot of vegan products, but also something interesting, for example NATO parcel CAN OF BREAD?! This was weird, haha. :D But well, I can say that I am ready for a zombie apocalypse.

Also, what else - blogging is a hobby as well. Yep, this is probably the only thing I have done constantly and feel like doing. :D

Bullet journaling is also kind of the same. You make some pretty decorations and can do habit tracking and mood tracking and so on. It is interesting to see. I try and do something every day, but on some days I still skip. 

Mmmmmm I am thinking what else I did at the hospital. I solved sudokus! And drew! And... solved puzzles, coloured... but in general I just wasted time. I don't know, this walking around makes me feel good. The act of moving. It soothes my nerves and lets me think, like usually I make plans about blogposts or something. Anyway, all in all I want to say that if you want to go for a walk, tell me and let's do it together. :D I always need to have a goal when I go for a walk, especially when I am alone. And usually it is a store. Because I just can't walk around aimlessly. With someone it is fine, but I almost always go for a walk alone.

Yes, I don't keep my walking at the minimum any more, because I have gained quite a bit of weight. And I can allow myself to use some energy. To feel good. And I eat so much, I never walk off all the calories I consume. So yeah, thins are progressing... somehow.

Today I have my psychologist appointment and I am scared of it. And not because I have lost weight, the opposite. I have gained TOO MUCH from the last visit. Like a lot. Several kilos. :S When will things be alright?

At the moment my main problems are: disinterest, boredom, need to move, short attention span, depression, eating too much.

Like I felt SO hungry on one night. I had had all my meals and snacks and then I still kept eating and eating and in the end I went to sleep crying. At 8 pm. Because I thought I will never stop. This really scared me. Later I understood that it was because I was restricting a bit during the week. This is a dead sycle.

I am so freaking upset that my weight has gone up so much. And then I decided to restrict a bit and for a few days ate less and omg, I lost 100 grams and then I couldn't do it anymore and started to eat normally again and at the moment I don't care about my weight but in 5 minutes I do and feel shit again. And then yesterday at work someone randomly asked me if I have gained weight and I just... YES I HAVE but who asks things like this?! I would never think about going up to someone and asking if they have gained weight. Aaaargh. Phew, finally got it out at least.

As it is new year and everything is closed in Tallinn, I decided to work out a little at home. I made this really basic list of exercises and I started with doing 10 pushups, 10 ab exercises, 10 squats and 10 seconds of blank. And like, not only one type of ab exercises, several. I just can't really show them in the blog here, haha. :D And then every day I add one. Like on the second of January I did 11 of everything etc. I don't know how long until I stop adding them, but we will see.

On the second day when my muscles hurt (!!! I couldn't believe it, I have to be super weak) I got kind of scared as sore muscles is a symptom of corona. :D Then I quickly tried if I can smell something and taste food before I remembered that oh yeah, I exercised.

Currently I have done it for... three days. xD What a dicipline, right! I am not expecting any big changes, but I just think that moving my body a little is a good thing.

I have tried doing some yoga as well, but I just am too unmotivated to follow along a YouTube video. :S This sucks. I wish I was in a yoga class, where there aren't any distractions and where I don't have other option than to follow along. At home, there have been many times where I have started a video, but in 5 minutes I pause it and turn it off, because I don't feel like it. So yeah, I don't really have much motivation, haha.

In general the motivation aspect kind of sucks, I don't see it increasing. I thought that maybe it helps if I go back to the office, but currently it has been the same. But it is the first official workday this year (I am writing this on 4th of January) and I don't know how things will go. I don't really feel this "new year new me" thing.

I got some really nice comments on my post complaining about having nothing to do. Regards this I think that I really need to pick up some hobbies again. But I am too lazyyyyyy. How can a person be this lazy?! Or I don't know. It is always easier to say that ah I will do it later, ah I will do it tomorrow etc. And then tomorrow never comes. It was the same with my eating disorder at first, I always thought about tomorrow. Finally I am here though. :D We shall see, maybe at one point I do end up picking up some hobbies again. A person can dream.

Haha, I started this post as a fitness influencer, but now it has become just some whining on my part. :D I will try to be better. Anyway with fitness, I will try to follow these exercises at least for a month. Then this is kind of an accomplishment, as it was with the stretching routine I did.

Right now it is sixth day and some other muscles have become sore now. :D I added some exercises, so that's why. Also recently I haven't really been walking outside, but I want to move. It is also nice to make a list of exercises on yoru own, because then you can mix them up etc.

It is kind of funny that my cat is super confused when I get down on all fours and start doing the pushups. He always comes and stares at me and sometimes lays down UNDER me. I don't know, he must like a roof made out of a person, haha. :D

Yesterday I was like, I am too lazy to do it, but then I remembered it is only 5th day and I am not about to give up. :D But regarding this - maybe I have reached my limit. But at the same time I want to reach at least 30 (currently it is 15). Then this would be of some use.

Anyway yes, moving yourself a little seems to be a good thing. And what is also nice - I don't have to do everything at once. Like on one day I warmed up some food in the microwave and during this time I added some exercises, right there in the kitchen. You have to be clever! :D

Ideally I would keep this habit up all year. It doesn't take much time, it is healthy and nice. And then every month I could see my progress. Like do the exercises get easier or do I see or feel a difference. This very mild sore muscle pain is actually nice as well! But I don't want to get obsessed with these exercises. I don't want to think that it is a catastrophe when I don't do them on one day. But I will try to last at least for January.

What I also wanted to write about is that me and my friend had a pizza night. And it was sooooo difficult. Weight played a huge role in it, because the number was a lot bigger on that day. And then I thought about skipping lunch or not having breakfast etc. But I made this yoghurt bowl thingy for breakfast and had some proper food during lunch. And I also had snacks. And after the pizza I had some sweets as well. So yeah, I kind of got over it. But on the next morning the weight was up even more and it is really bothering me. For some time I was okay with it, but this comment my coworker made is still on my mind and I just feel very negative in general.

But! Of course we ordered from this Mega Good Pizza place. Mexican pizza and Thai pizza, on which we changed sundried tomatoes into vöner (vegan kebab). I have never ordered from a place as much than I have from there. Also the pizzas tasted amazing. Honestly. I will never stop hyping them up. And then me and my friend thought that we should have a pizza night every month or something. And get pizzas from new places.

In general the night was really cool. We got to talk about things that connect us, have some pizza and drink Pepsi Max lime of course. Perfect combination. After that we went to walk around for a bit, also stopped at the store. I wanted to get Biscoff, but it wasn't in stock. At least I got those gingerbread butter cookies I am yet to ry.

Anyway, regarding the pizzas, I have ordered them many times with my other friend. And even if he says that he hasn't eaten all day, he never finishes one. I don't understand. Because honestly, as soon as I finish, I feel like I could have another one and also top it off with a kilo of ice cream. I just crave everything all the time. Also on yesterday evening I felt full, but I still wanted to have something. I just like the act of eating. Then I watched some TV and ate. A lot.

Oeh, I don't know. When will things normalize for me?

 

So from the first of January I started to live my vegan life. It has not been long, but I have discovered a lot of snacks to have, foods to have an several recipes to try. At the same time I am thinking that I won't throw away stuff that is not vegan. Like chocolates or cookies that I have already bought. I will come back to them in February and finish them off. I don't want to waste food.

What is surprising for me is the thing that every food item seems to have milk powder in it?! Like, I wanted to buy crisps, and all the packages I looked at - milk powder, milk powder, milk powder. Like why? :D Well, I did found some that just had potatoes, oil and salt, but there were only few like this. And also there isn't many other flavours. But I won't give up! I have found some things that are waiting for me to try them. I will write more about them when I am posting about vegan products I tried in January.

Anyway yes, it is interesting to discover and try new things. I need to think more about what I am eating. But yeah, it kind of bothers me that me as a new vegan have to check every single package to be sure. :D But well, I guess I will get used to it. Thus I like the stuff that have a vegan sign on them, then I am sure I can have it. :D Although it is nice to find accidentally vegan stuff.

Anyway today has been very good. I made a fry up with smoked tofu, potatoes, mushrooms and onion, inspired by a recipe I found online. I boiled the potatoes for a bit and then added it all to the pan. It tasted amazing. It would have been good without tofu as well, but it had become a fear food so I wanted to challenge myself. Anyway, it was tasty. Like I used to have fried potatoes with onion and ham for example? :D And this brought back those memories. And of course thanks to tofu I got some protein in. I have too many carbs I feel like. :D

What else have I had for dinners - well, those nori sausages (the ones I made myself were better, but they were okay too) and then I also added some pickled mushrooms and fried sauerkraut as well as potatoes with onion. I have had really simple meals. I would like to try out more recipes, but I don't like having the same meals for several days in a row. Like tomorrow I will have to have the tofu potato thing again, but yeah. It was at least very good. I think I wanna do the meal prep challenge at one point. Wanna make several foods to be ready for a week. And then I can have a meal every other day or so. Weird that my lunch on the other hand can be the same every day, haha. :D

What is in my menu today is also a full pint of vegan ice cream, I hope it tastes good. :D I haven't bought this company's ice cream before. And yes - I will have the whole pint. I can't just have some of it. Also lately I have been snacking less during the day and having more snacks in the evenings. Then I don't get this weird binge thing as well. Besides, I have enough food during the day and then during the snack times I don't even feel hungry. I am not even hungry during the night, but I just WANT stuff and I don't want to restrict it. Otherways I keep thinking about it and can't get my mind off of it.

Usually I would have thought that Halo Top ice cream only gives HALF of the calories, but at the same time - if you have tried it, you know it isn't very good. :D I like Breyers more, especially their vegan ice cream, which is nice. But still, I wanted to challenge myself extra hard and had a normal ice cream. Or well, vegan ice cream. But it is normal. It is kind of annoying to keep writing vegan ice cream... so if you read my posts in January, you should know I am referring to vegan stuff. :D

I bet that before falling asleep I keep looking at vegan recipes, as this is a whole new world. Exciting!

And on Wednesday I have a friend coming over, we are planning to order pizza from this one place. There are a few I still haven't tried. At one point I was like, I want some pizza and I was about to buy frozen one, when I remembered that we are going to have a pizza night anyway. :D Honestly, don't they have a regular customer program or something, I always get pizza from there. :D

Today morning I made a new kind of breakfast, but I will write about it at the end of January, as I decided to document all of my breakfasts. Anyway, it was a change from porridge, which I can't really believe. I wanted to make pancakes on another day, but I was too lazy. Maybe next weekend, we shall see!

There are several more challenges I started at the beginning of January. I am interested to see if I can stick to them. I have been doing well for three days. :D But when I came to work today, I almost faced a failure. We don't have plant milk at work! Luckily there is a store really close by and I managed to get some Alpro barista almond milk. Lucky! It is no life without coffee.

I feel a little bit better than I did when I was writing my previous post, but I still feel a bit "meeh". I try to focus on things I want to do, but there are... only few of them. But I guess I will write about them soon. As someone commented, maybe my hobbies would give some inspiration to others. My hobbies currently aren't as exciting as they used to be (like bouldering, but still, maybe it would be useful. And from you guys I would still like to know what you are DOING to survive this sitting at home due to corona thing. Oeh.

What promises did you make for the new year? I have to admit that my Coca Cola Zero addiction is still going strong. Can't help it... :D But I will stick to veganuary for sure! Also, if you really recommend some vegan products, that would be awesome and I will name my next 23 cats after you.

Hey.

So I am writing this post on 31st of December and it is morning time.

That's it. Last day of the year 2020. What a year! So many ups and downs, but in general quite a positive one. At least for me. Although, I don't know. Recently (during the period between Chrismas and now) it has been really difficult. With the depression. I have been alone a lot and I just... I don't know. Everything seems pointless again, as there is nothing much to do. I sit in the computer all day at work and then do the same during my free time. Sometimes I talk to people, but in general everything is so... bland. I survived corona spring well, but now it is soooooo haaaard to handle the situation. I want to do something, go somewhere. I don't know. I just feel super pointless. I don't know how other people are handling this? What do you DO?

But in general...

I was home from the hospital and I could manage my eating and moving. And the beginning of it... was awful. I lost the weight I had gained in Tartu very fast. Until this summer it finally clicked in my head and I was like, okay, I can't keep going like this. And until now, m weight has gone up and I understand I have to keep it going like this. On some days it is more difficult and I don't feel like doing this, but in general... I have managed somehow. And sometimes I get this feeling of what the heck, I am doing so well and then I feel good and the number on the scale doesn't affect me as much. It is extra nice when my friends are telling me that I am being good. Then I think that yes, they are someone to hold on to.

I wanted to mention that as someone commented, I always think that I can only gain weight until I reach the minimum normal scale. And this commentator said that why don't you make the line on the upper half of normal weight? This gives me more room and then I was like... well that is a gread idea! Instead of gaining 6 more kilos I can then gain, I don't know, 16? :D Anyway, if you struggle with this, maybe thinking like that helps. I don't think about it all the time, but when I am feeling extra shitty, this take on the things really does help.

I still worry about overeating. Like yesterday night I had some sort of a binge and I had a lot of chocolate. Like the whole 100 grams. And I still had all my regular meals and sancks. And then now I am feeling quite shitty, but also not... not that strong guilt. I am thinking that this is a weird time and I guess I just needed this chocolate.I had been thinking about it all week and probably should have given in and had a little bit each day. This would have made it out the same, but I would have felt better I guess. Huhh. It is a relief to write it out. It is kind of difficult to admit. So yeah, don't feel guilty if you have had a little too much chocolate during Christmas and New Year. When else?

Anyway, I will not plan on going on a diet at the beginning of 2021. But I want to avoid similar binge moments and I will instead allow something good to myself every day. Also, I have really kept on the hospital schedule and I really want to get rid of it. It is this awful circle of staring at the clock, thinking ohhh in 1,5 hours I can eat again. It should be that when I want food, I eat it! Simple as that. Even if I am not hungry, but feel like having something. I am pretty sure that as soon as I allow myself to have things, it becomes much easier and I don't have as many cravings. At least I try to tell this to myself. On some days it works, on some days it doesn't. What can you do, this is life.

Japan was this year. Unbelievable. We were so lucky to have been there before corona. :D And well, we are planning to go back on 2021 autumn, so I hope travelling is open again at that time. I looked at some pictures from Japan and I miss it sooooo much. Not only travelling or Japan as a country, but I miss friends. We were so freaking happy at that time, I am feeling sick thinking about it. :D All the places we were, all the things we tried... my friend sent me and my other friend a parcel from Japan and I already tried everything, hehe. I always leave stuff and not eat it but I was like nope, not this time. :D Someone took their time to send me a thing and don't eat it?! No way. You don't get gifts from Japan every day. I am super happy she sent me some Japanese curry, this stuff is like drugs. :D

But yeah, I want to go back. Me and my friend rememebered stuff yesterday and it felt so good. Also, when we opened the parcel, we did a video chat and it was so nice. Should do it more often.

Then next big accomplishment was buying a flat. My. Own. Flat! I have a home?! And it is completely mine and I can do what I want and everything is okay and I control my own surroundings. This helped me greatly to become more sure of myself. And it shows me that I manage on my own. I was sure I could, but to see it is really nice. On some days I feel a little lonely and then I am sat on the sofa and Motu comes, puts his cheek against mine and everything is okay again. And then on some occasions I still get this feeling of omg this is my home?! :D Yesterday when my friend was over we talked about how I need to put my small Christmas tree away soon and it feels so sad and then she was like - you can buy something to replace it. And like... yes?! I can! I have always dreamed about decorating my own place so yeah... this is really a dream coming true.

Friends. There are such amazing people around me. I have opened myself more and what is more important - people have opened up to me. I feel that I am in a better place now and I can finally help others. This is really important for me.

My friends have surprised me a lot. Some of them sent me Christmas cards, one of them sent me a parcel to my WORKPLACE. Like really, I have no words. :D And all the meetups and talks. I have been feeling quite lonely recently, but thinking about it makes me feel happy and warm.

Family stuff as well. Our relationships have not been too good always. But last times we have met up, it has been really nice. No fights, no arguments, everyone are accepting of each other. No tiptoeing around stuff. We just have a laugh and chill. I never imagined this time would come. I enjoy spending time together now. I used to feel really stressed when my parents came to Tallinn or when I went home, but now it is completely normal. I don't go to Viljandi too often, but all these times I have been there, it has been nice and positive. I hope I don't jinx it now...

Work. This year was... challenging. I still can't believe that from the first of January I wasn't unemployed and didn't need to go work in a store as a cashier (honestly though, it wouldn't even be a bad job. You do your shift, close the door behind you and it is done. I even applied for some jobs like this). But about work - I have gotten a lot of positive feedback recently and it has made me believe in myself again. This feels good.

Events. There haven't been too many this year, but there have been some. Like Tallinn Music Week where I was as a press and I am glad they still hosted it, despite the corona thing! And also some other events, like work trips and such. Can't really complain.

But yeah, there have been a lot of negative stuff too. Firstly I can bring out corona. Also - my aunt is positive. She is doing well, but we are still asking her often how she is doing. She said that the hardest part is sitting at home, it is super boring. :D I can totally understand this.

Depression and an eating disorder. What can I do, can't skip those. At least at the moment I am doing a lot better than, let's say, half a year ago. Last 3-4 months have been positively stable. Things are getting back to normal and I feel like living is not that bad. :D I don't feel like not existing anymore. Except for the recent days now. But it seems a bit weird time for everyone.

I don't really know what else to say about negatives and to be honest I don't even want to do this. It is good to think about positives more, or you just set yourself up for something bad to happen, this sucks. I have tried to manifest every day that it will be a good one and I can accomplish many things, if only I wish so. It sometimes seems to work.

I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed, hoping that the eating disorder won't get a stronger hold again. But I do think a lot about restricting, relapse and I am even feeling jealous of people who are thinner than me. It is stupid, right? But I am just not used to my new body yet, I am not friends with them. It will come, I am sure. I hope so at least. At the moment I am on purpose avoiding mirrors. Sometimes it is successful, sometimes not.

But now that it is January, I am doing veganuary (vegan January challenge). I will try and have 100% vegan stuff this month! And from then on I will decide according to the situation - if I don't have another option, I may have some cheese or eggs, but yeah. Generally I want to move towards full veganism. I think it is completely doable - I have been living alone for quite some time and on the days I haven't been to anywhere, I have had only vegan food. In relation to this, I will now write about vegan products I tried in December:

Alpro kookose-ananassi jogurt (Alpro coconut-pineapples yoghurt)

I couldn't find it on an Estonian store webpages, but I found it in Rimi. It was quite expensive, 1,75 euros for 120 grams, but I really wanted to try it. I couldn't taste coconut at all, but it did have a lot of pineapple in it. I really liked it. Probably one of the best vegan yoghurts I have tried in general. 8/10.

I had it at work during a snack break and for several days I kept dreaming about it. :D But yeah, the price wasn't that inviting. Like, sometimes I have a full lunch for cheaper. But I recommend to try it. A proper yoghurt! Best yoghurt from Alpro at least. I am glad it is even in small stores, because usually vegan range is also small.

Kalevi tume šokolaad jõhvika ja kaerahelbega (Kalev dark chocolate with cranberries and oats)

I can't believe that this is 2020 special chocolate and you can't have it after that. :( I think I need to stock up. This is totally one of my favourites! Best new chocolate I have discovered. And usually I am not a fan of fruits in chocolate.

Anyway yes, it was in my drawer for a while and I ignored it. I don't even know, why. I hadn't had chocolate in a while, I guess that's the reason. But now I opened it and can have it several times in a row. I would rate it 9/10.

Honestly I have thought that I can join two first snacks of the day and have a whole 100 grams of chocolate in one go, maybe then I would be satisfied? :D I don't know, it is so easy to have chocolate. I know the calories, but for some reason it is easier to eat than nuts, which is a great fear food. I should have them more, that means. We will see, maybe I will get to this point some time.

I can eat even more nuts in one go. Like, I tell you - me and my sister sometimes have a whole 500 grams between us. After meals and snacks.

Violife pitsajuust (Violife pizza cheese)

So I made pizza for my housewarming party and I managed to find this cheese from Prisma. And it smelled and tasted exactly like the real thing when I tried it before baking. :D It was amazing! I don't know, I don't think it was because I haven't had real cheese in a while. But yeah, I couldn't taste the difference from regular cheese.

On pizza it was a bit sticky, but well, cheese is cheese. :D And non-vegan-vegetarian guests didn't say it was bad either, so they probably liked it, hehe. I would like to know what cheese they use in Mega Hea Pizza place, is it the same? I feel like theirs is a bit better melted.

Anyway, for this I would give 7/10, the taste is good, but it was a bit strange after baking. But I liked it in general. I would like to try some more vegan cheeses. I thought about buying some slices to make sandwiches with. With vegan butter, cucumber and cheese, nom. Sounds really good!

Scotti mandlipiim (Scotti almond milk)

This is the worst plant milk I have ever had. :D I bought it, because it was on the sale and I had ran out of milk. But I will never make this mistake again. It has a very strong almond taste, which I didn't think will be bad. But it was exactly like this. :D All the time I used it, I couldn't even enjoy my coffee. :D It was really bitter, couldn't even have it with cereal. Finally I just poured it down the sink, because it was so awful. I am never really giving out bad ratings, but this was totally 0/10.

Läätse pikkpoiss (Lentil loaf)

Made by Marta Pagar company, I had been wanting to try it for ages. It was the price again that didn't make me really want to buy it. But it was on sale, yay! I thought that I am unable to have the full thing on my own, but I just cut it up and put it in the freezer. I can have it when I need a quick meal, as it is precooked.

I made a proper Christmas dinner with it, added some potato-onion mix, roasted cabbage and of course pickled pumpkin. It was quite good! Probably not my favourite product of theirs, but still pretty nice and hearty. With a little ketchup, it was awesome.

For the rating, I would give it 6/10. It was nothing special, but when I think that others are having a meat loaf and blood sausage then... it was a pretty good alternative.

Vebab (Vegan kebab)

It took a while before I tried it, but I finally did. I never found it in the store, but Coop is now my local shop and they had it. The store has a good vegan selection, but unfortunately they don't sell vegan cheese. 

I really liked vebab. It was a bit mushy, but tasted awesome. But if you want a proper vegan kebab, I recommend vöner. But yeah, I made a Christmassy dinner once more and what was left over, I put in the freezer once again. I liked this more than lentil loaf, it is made by the same company. 8/10. It will probably became a regular thing in my menu.

Hummus musta küüslauguga (Hummus with black garlic)

I have this habit of snacking in the evenings, a lot. So I took this hummus, THREE bell peppers, whole cucumber and 250 grams of cherry tomatoes. And enjoyed them with it. I have been wanting to try it for a while. I once bought it from a vegan fest, but it was too scary and went bad in my fridge. What a waste!

Honestly though, it was not my favourite hummus. I think I like hummus with sundried tomatoes and basil the most, it reminds me a pate I used to have as a kid. :D But in general it was still good. I wish it had more garlicy taste though. It was also on sale, but on other times the price is quite high. 7/10 from me. I thought it would be better, so I was a little disappointed.

To finish this post, I wish you all a happy new year and hope that the next year, in 2021 you can say that it was a good one.

As always, after the holidays there are so many articles and posts about how to lose the weight you have gained over Christmas. But I read one article about indulging during Christmas and it made me 

I admit that I am one to overeat. There is all this food in front of me and you don't have it every single day. And then I am like... even if you overeat, fow much weight do you gain? I am not talking about myself because I have gained several kilos over December, but if I overeat a few times in a month, is the weight gain really so big that I need to diet?

I have to say thath the period between my friend's birthday and Christmas (which was only three days), I ate less than I should have. It is difficult to admit, but it was so. At the same time I didn't miss any meals or snacks, so I am doing well. I just ate a little less calorie dense foods. My weight didn't go down, but I felt better in my body. But I can't keep doing this. I shouldn't start playing with my food again and get addicted to the feeling light when I am hungry or almost hungry.

So this back on track is a little different for me. I need to keep myself on track, because currently I am on one. I can't change the direction. I need to keep going. These Christmas kilos I have gained are just a bigger step towards getting better, right?

It has been a while since I felt hungry. It sounds normal, doesn't it? That you don't feel starving. But I still like this feeling and I feel a bit sad when I don't get it. Like I can't justify eating if I don't feel hungry. So things have been tough.

The second thing that bothers me is that I eat a lot. I don't mean I am eating a lot of unhealthy and calorie dense stuff. No. I mean I am a complete volume eater, meaning I need a lot of things to eat. So I never know how people get full on normal size portions. Whenever I make pasta or rice, there needs to be a lot of it, because I am used to having a great amount of vegetables or fruit. I tell you - eating a full 2 kilo pomelo is easy for me.

I know that the size of your stomach changes according to what you are used to eating, but I ALWAYS remain hungry after having a normal size meal. :S And I don't know what to doo.

What else there is about Christmas... what did I eat? Well, firstly I made mushroom Wellington, which was great. Also my dad had wanted me to make cheese pastries, which I did. 

I also had some beetrood patties, what were also loved by others. And then I had separate fried sauerkraut and also oven roasted potatoes. And my Grandma now always makes potato salad without sausage, which is so sweet of her!

Being vegan - my family is not for it. So I haven't talked about my plans. There were many arguments regarding it at the dinner table, because I mentioned that my friend had been vegan for years.

Then we of course had dessert, which was deconstructed cookie cake. And we had a lot oh mandarins, gingerbreads, chocolate, apple pie etc. Too much. I am telling you, I ate so much that I couldn't even count the plates.

Now being back at home I have a real plan to eat less, skip meals and get the weight to go down. This is like some sort of an obsessive thought that I rely on when things are getting difficult. I always think that soon I will get back on track.

Then I came back to Tallinn and just couldn't do it. I just pushed all the restriction thoughts aside and ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. And had snacks. Didn't restrict at all.

For a few days I managed to try some new stuff, which was nice. I continued having Christmas by myself.

At the moment it is difficult. Or actually, it isn't. When I just am and don't think about it. On the moments where I weigh myself or look into the mirror, then it is difficult.

Yesterday I cried a little and felt really stressed, but at the same time... I can see my thoughts revolving around food more and more again and it is awful. I don't want to go back to where I was last summer. Where I couldn't focus on anything except for food and restriction and I always only thought about what I was going to eat for my next meal. I want to... live normally. Not think about food and not make plans for the next week. Currently I live like this. Whenever someone tells me that let's order food on Saturday, I start to think ahead about what to get. And I always pick the "healthy" option. And then I pick something with less calories, not something I acutally want to have. :S

But in general I wanted to say that it is tough. Sometimes every bite is a fight. Sometimes I feel so anxious that my head is spinning and I have these waves of hot and cold run over me. And then there is anger. Every time I step on the scale and the weight hasn't gone down by at least a little (or worse, when I have gained some grams), I feel the urge to hurt myself. I close my eyes and swallow the tears, hands shaking and desperation flowing over me. Then I sit and think and write on paper how much and what I have eaten, how many calories it is and how much I am still allowed to eat.

On some evenings I don't feel hungry at all and think that I should skip the meal. I could easily do this. But something in the ACT of eating is what I like. And then comes to play me eating a lot of vegetables, as it lasts longer. I want to elongate the process of eating, I feel as if I am not satisfied if I eat a small amount. This makes me really annoyed. Every day I think that I will do this and that and then something messes up my plans. D:

Anyway, things have not been nice and I am so stressed. I just want to get this "I don't care" mood back, because right now I care a little too much.

I am doing home office until the end of the year and my computer is set up in the kitchen. Not the best combo. But I don't have a desk elsewhere and if I laid on my couch, I wouldn't be able to do anything. So yeah, I am sitting in the kitchen, dreaming about food, looking at food and trying to write down some law stuff.

For a few days now I have walked a little more. Not as much as I used to, but still a little. This is good. I feel like I don't HAVE to walk, but it is nice to do it, smell fresh air and enjoy the snow. It is so nice outside! It is also a bit cold, but oh well. It is good that I can buy frozen things from the store and they don't melt on the way home hahaha :D. Small joys, am I right.

And soon it is the end of the year. I thnk that maybe I will still set some goals. But they will be really personal so I won't write them down here. But I want to set some goals that are doable as well. I am generally good with promises, but only when I tell someone in real life.

This post is like a trainwreck, I started with something important, but now it is just a mess writen on an emotion. But oh well, it happens...

Yesterday I FINALLY made pureed soup. I have been wanting to do this for ages, that's why I asked for a blender last Christmas. :D It was about time to use it. I had pumpkin, carrots, onion, garlic, coconut milk and some seasoning (salt, pepper, tumeric, ginger, cumin, coriander and some garam masala curry powder) and it came out amazing. Now I can have it for lunch for a few days.

In general I have been meal preping a lot recently. I now have a decent sized freezer and I have put some of the stuff there. Like I had this leftover vegan pizza from my housewarming party and on one day I was like - dunno what to make for lunch - and then picked this. Put it in the microwave for a few minutes and I had a proper meal. Real nice!

Food, food, food, food. Why are you like this?! Why do I think about you all the freaking time?! I am eating enough. My weight is going up. And stillllll.

And I also wanted to wish you all a happy new year. Be strong!