Hey.

So I am writing this post on 31st of December and it is morning time.

That's it. Last day of the year 2020. What a year! So many ups and downs, but in general quite a positive one. At least for me. Although, I don't know. Recently (during the period between Chrismas and now) it has been really difficult. With the depression. I have been alone a lot and I just... I don't know. Everything seems pointless again, as there is nothing much to do. I sit in the computer all day at work and then do the same during my free time. Sometimes I talk to people, but in general everything is so... bland. I survived corona spring well, but now it is soooooo haaaard to handle the situation. I want to do something, go somewhere. I don't know. I just feel super pointless. I don't know how other people are handling this? What do you DO?

But in general...

I was home from the hospital and I could manage my eating and moving. And the beginning of it... was awful. I lost the weight I had gained in Tartu very fast. Until this summer it finally clicked in my head and I was like, okay, I can't keep going like this. And until now, m weight has gone up and I understand I have to keep it going like this. On some days it is more difficult and I don't feel like doing this, but in general... I have managed somehow. And sometimes I get this feeling of what the heck, I am doing so well and then I feel good and the number on the scale doesn't affect me as much. It is extra nice when my friends are telling me that I am being good. Then I think that yes, they are someone to hold on to.

I wanted to mention that as someone commented, I always think that I can only gain weight until I reach the minimum normal scale. And this commentator said that why don't you make the line on the upper half of normal weight? This gives me more room and then I was like... well that is a gread idea! Instead of gaining 6 more kilos I can then gain, I don't know, 16? :D Anyway, if you struggle with this, maybe thinking like that helps. I don't think about it all the time, but when I am feeling extra shitty, this take on the things really does help.

I still worry about overeating. Like yesterday night I had some sort of a binge and I had a lot of chocolate. Like the whole 100 grams. And I still had all my regular meals and sancks. And then now I am feeling quite shitty, but also not... not that strong guilt. I am thinking that this is a weird time and I guess I just needed this chocolate.I had been thinking about it all week and probably should have given in and had a little bit each day. This would have made it out the same, but I would have felt better I guess. Huhh. It is a relief to write it out. It is kind of difficult to admit. So yeah, don't feel guilty if you have had a little too much chocolate during Christmas and New Year. When else?

Anyway, I will not plan on going on a diet at the beginning of 2021. But I want to avoid similar binge moments and I will instead allow something good to myself every day. Also, I have really kept on the hospital schedule and I really want to get rid of it. It is this awful circle of staring at the clock, thinking ohhh in 1,5 hours I can eat again. It should be that when I want food, I eat it! Simple as that. Even if I am not hungry, but feel like having something. I am pretty sure that as soon as I allow myself to have things, it becomes much easier and I don't have as many cravings. At least I try to tell this to myself. On some days it works, on some days it doesn't. What can you do, this is life.

Japan was this year. Unbelievable. We were so lucky to have been there before corona. :D And well, we are planning to go back on 2021 autumn, so I hope travelling is open again at that time. I looked at some pictures from Japan and I miss it sooooo much. Not only travelling or Japan as a country, but I miss friends. We were so freaking happy at that time, I am feeling sick thinking about it. :D All the places we were, all the things we tried... my friend sent me and my other friend a parcel from Japan and I already tried everything, hehe. I always leave stuff and not eat it but I was like nope, not this time. :D Someone took their time to send me a thing and don't eat it?! No way. You don't get gifts from Japan every day. I am super happy she sent me some Japanese curry, this stuff is like drugs. :D

But yeah, I want to go back. Me and my friend rememebered stuff yesterday and it felt so good. Also, when we opened the parcel, we did a video chat and it was so nice. Should do it more often.

Then next big accomplishment was buying a flat. My. Own. Flat! I have a home?! And it is completely mine and I can do what I want and everything is okay and I control my own surroundings. This helped me greatly to become more sure of myself. And it shows me that I manage on my own. I was sure I could, but to see it is really nice. On some days I feel a little lonely and then I am sat on the sofa and Motu comes, puts his cheek against mine and everything is okay again. And then on some occasions I still get this feeling of omg this is my home?! :D Yesterday when my friend was over we talked about how I need to put my small Christmas tree away soon and it feels so sad and then she was like - you can buy something to replace it. And like... yes?! I can! I have always dreamed about decorating my own place so yeah... this is really a dream coming true.

Friends. There are such amazing people around me. I have opened myself more and what is more important - people have opened up to me. I feel that I am in a better place now and I can finally help others. This is really important for me.

My friends have surprised me a lot. Some of them sent me Christmas cards, one of them sent me a parcel to my WORKPLACE. Like really, I have no words. :D And all the meetups and talks. I have been feeling quite lonely recently, but thinking about it makes me feel happy and warm.

Family stuff as well. Our relationships have not been too good always. But last times we have met up, it has been really nice. No fights, no arguments, everyone are accepting of each other. No tiptoeing around stuff. We just have a laugh and chill. I never imagined this time would come. I enjoy spending time together now. I used to feel really stressed when my parents came to Tallinn or when I went home, but now it is completely normal. I don't go to Viljandi too often, but all these times I have been there, it has been nice and positive. I hope I don't jinx it now...

Work. This year was... challenging. I still can't believe that from the first of January I wasn't unemployed and didn't need to go work in a store as a cashier (honestly though, it wouldn't even be a bad job. You do your shift, close the door behind you and it is done. I even applied for some jobs like this). But about work - I have gotten a lot of positive feedback recently and it has made me believe in myself again. This feels good.

Events. There haven't been too many this year, but there have been some. Like Tallinn Music Week where I was as a press and I am glad they still hosted it, despite the corona thing! And also some other events, like work trips and such. Can't really complain.

But yeah, there have been a lot of negative stuff too. Firstly I can bring out corona. Also - my aunt is positive. She is doing well, but we are still asking her often how she is doing. She said that the hardest part is sitting at home, it is super boring. :D I can totally understand this.

Depression and an eating disorder. What can I do, can't skip those. At least at the moment I am doing a lot better than, let's say, half a year ago. Last 3-4 months have been positively stable. Things are getting back to normal and I feel like living is not that bad. :D I don't feel like not existing anymore. Except for the recent days now. But it seems a bit weird time for everyone.

I don't really know what else to say about negatives and to be honest I don't even want to do this. It is good to think about positives more, or you just set yourself up for something bad to happen, this sucks. I have tried to manifest every day that it will be a good one and I can accomplish many things, if only I wish so. It sometimes seems to work.

I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed, hoping that the eating disorder won't get a stronger hold again. But I do think a lot about restricting, relapse and I am even feeling jealous of people who are thinner than me. It is stupid, right? But I am just not used to my new body yet, I am not friends with them. It will come, I am sure. I hope so at least. At the moment I am on purpose avoiding mirrors. Sometimes it is successful, sometimes not.

But now that it is January, I am doing veganuary (vegan January challenge). I will try and have 100% vegan stuff this month! And from then on I will decide according to the situation - if I don't have another option, I may have some cheese or eggs, but yeah. Generally I want to move towards full veganism. I think it is completely doable - I have been living alone for quite some time and on the days I haven't been to anywhere, I have had only vegan food. In relation to this, I will now write about vegan products I tried in December:

Alpro kookose-ananassi jogurt (Alpro coconut-pineapples yoghurt)

I couldn't find it on an Estonian store webpages, but I found it in Rimi. It was quite expensive, 1,75 euros for 120 grams, but I really wanted to try it. I couldn't taste coconut at all, but it did have a lot of pineapple in it. I really liked it. Probably one of the best vegan yoghurts I have tried in general. 8/10.

I had it at work during a snack break and for several days I kept dreaming about it. :D But yeah, the price wasn't that inviting. Like, sometimes I have a full lunch for cheaper. But I recommend to try it. A proper yoghurt! Best yoghurt from Alpro at least. I am glad it is even in small stores, because usually vegan range is also small.

Kalevi tume šokolaad jõhvika ja kaerahelbega (Kalev dark chocolate with cranberries and oats)

I can't believe that this is 2020 special chocolate and you can't have it after that. :( I think I need to stock up. This is totally one of my favourites! Best new chocolate I have discovered. And usually I am not a fan of fruits in chocolate.

Anyway yes, it was in my drawer for a while and I ignored it. I don't even know, why. I hadn't had chocolate in a while, I guess that's the reason. But now I opened it and can have it several times in a row. I would rate it 9/10.

Honestly I have thought that I can join two first snacks of the day and have a whole 100 grams of chocolate in one go, maybe then I would be satisfied? :D I don't know, it is so easy to have chocolate. I know the calories, but for some reason it is easier to eat than nuts, which is a great fear food. I should have them more, that means. We will see, maybe I will get to this point some time.

I can eat even more nuts in one go. Like, I tell you - me and my sister sometimes have a whole 500 grams between us. After meals and snacks.

Violife pitsajuust (Violife pizza cheese)

So I made pizza for my housewarming party and I managed to find this cheese from Prisma. And it smelled and tasted exactly like the real thing when I tried it before baking. :D It was amazing! I don't know, I don't think it was because I haven't had real cheese in a while. But yeah, I couldn't taste the difference from regular cheese.

On pizza it was a bit sticky, but well, cheese is cheese. :D And non-vegan-vegetarian guests didn't say it was bad either, so they probably liked it, hehe. I would like to know what cheese they use in Mega Hea Pizza place, is it the same? I feel like theirs is a bit better melted.

Anyway, for this I would give 7/10, the taste is good, but it was a bit strange after baking. But I liked it in general. I would like to try some more vegan cheeses. I thought about buying some slices to make sandwiches with. With vegan butter, cucumber and cheese, nom. Sounds really good!

Scotti mandlipiim (Scotti almond milk)

This is the worst plant milk I have ever had. :D I bought it, because it was on the sale and I had ran out of milk. But I will never make this mistake again. It has a very strong almond taste, which I didn't think will be bad. But it was exactly like this. :D All the time I used it, I couldn't even enjoy my coffee. :D It was really bitter, couldn't even have it with cereal. Finally I just poured it down the sink, because it was so awful. I am never really giving out bad ratings, but this was totally 0/10.

Läätse pikkpoiss (Lentil loaf)

Made by Marta Pagar company, I had been wanting to try it for ages. It was the price again that didn't make me really want to buy it. But it was on sale, yay! I thought that I am unable to have the full thing on my own, but I just cut it up and put it in the freezer. I can have it when I need a quick meal, as it is precooked.

I made a proper Christmas dinner with it, added some potato-onion mix, roasted cabbage and of course pickled pumpkin. It was quite good! Probably not my favourite product of theirs, but still pretty nice and hearty. With a little ketchup, it was awesome.

For the rating, I would give it 6/10. It was nothing special, but when I think that others are having a meat loaf and blood sausage then... it was a pretty good alternative.

Vebab (Vegan kebab)

It took a while before I tried it, but I finally did. I never found it in the store, but Coop is now my local shop and they had it. The store has a good vegan selection, but unfortunately they don't sell vegan cheese. 

I really liked vebab. It was a bit mushy, but tasted awesome. But if you want a proper vegan kebab, I recommend vöner. But yeah, I made a Christmassy dinner once more and what was left over, I put in the freezer once again. I liked this more than lentil loaf, it is made by the same company. 8/10. It will probably became a regular thing in my menu.

Hummus musta küüslauguga (Hummus with black garlic)

I have this habit of snacking in the evenings, a lot. So I took this hummus, THREE bell peppers, whole cucumber and 250 grams of cherry tomatoes. And enjoyed them with it. I have been wanting to try it for a while. I once bought it from a vegan fest, but it was too scary and went bad in my fridge. What a waste!

Honestly though, it was not my favourite hummus. I think I like hummus with sundried tomatoes and basil the most, it reminds me a pate I used to have as a kid. :D But in general it was still good. I wish it had more garlicy taste though. It was also on sale, but on other times the price is quite high. 7/10 from me. I thought it would be better, so I was a little disappointed.

To finish this post, I wish you all a happy new year and hope that the next year, in 2021 you can say that it was a good one.