I have always avoided writing about it, because it just doesn't make sense and I don't know what to believe. But at the same time I need to admit that this is in full force and I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to run with it. What am I talking about? About my new friend - extreme hunger.

This is awful, honestly. I just eat and eat and eat and cry and eat some more, because I am ne-ver full. I doesn't matter how much food I have, I still feel like I could go for more. I do understand it a bit though - my body has been starving and it wants to eat all that I missed. But it is awful. It is difficult both mentally and physically, because I am always super full and bloated.

But at the same time I am not the only one living through this thing. I have talked to many oter sufferers who say that they are in a same place. As soon as you finish one meal, you start to dream about the next one and this continues every single day.

Up until now I haven't really let myself go. I have had all the meals in my own tempo and during "mealtimes". But I have done it more recently! Like when I am still hungry after lunch, I let myself have something else and I think that this is right and it is how I should do. I don't think I should suffer hunger. But at the same time I still have this fear of overeating and I wonder if I end up in TV on some freaky show about food addicts.

Regarding this, I was told about an Estonian TV show called "Expensive calories" and ohhhhhh boyyyyy how angry it made me. I am pretty sure that these people just need psychologist appointments, not put into one room with a fridge full of unhealthy snacks, food and drinks. Honestly, most of their problems are mental and they should start with this. But nooooo, let's think about how to make money and ruin these people. If you are thin and all that, you are pretty and all the other problems just disappear. People admire you and you feel good and you are healthy. NO. Believe me, I have been through this. I lost over 20 kilos and do you think I felt better? Do you think my life was good, I got attention and all of my dreams came true? No, no and no. Honestly, things became much worse. I couldn't focus on anything, my attention span was really bad, I couldn't think about anything else than food. I didn't CARE about attention, I was too tired to do anything. This TV show will make it's participants' relationship with food even worse. And they can say that omg, this is the best thing that has happened to me and I feel so good and everything is fine, but is it really? I guess they need to keep up good attention and they will get a lot of spotlight. But, for God's sake, don't people think about the results? How this may affect people with eating disorders? There are a lot of people suffering from ED-s, I am too lazy to Google the percentage, but it is not small! A lot of people suffer without realising it. And then let's just make it into a TV show and make people feel bad about eating? Like, hell, this makes me angry.

I know that this TV show will have triggering effect on me and I am sure I want to start restricting again. But I can't NOT watch it either, so on Wednesday you will find me in front of my TV, angry and upset. But I am curious. I have this weird feeling. I just wish that they didn't do this experiment on people who have completely other kind of problems. Aaah. I can't even write my thoughts down in a way that it would make sense. Maybe some other bloggers can. I just wanted to share my frustration.

What else has happened? I completed a huge challenge. I hadn't had rice this year yet, but I was really craving for it. And then I thought I have a lot of beans Globus sent me, I should try and make some chilli or something. I really like chilli, but I hadn't made it in ages. So I went to the store and got rest of the ingredients.

My completely random recipe had garlic, onion, carrots, red kidney beans, green pepper, can of crushed tomatos, some corn and from seasonings I added chilli powder, Korean chilli paste, salt, pepper, coriander and cumin. Oh, and some sugar to balance out the tartness of tomatos. But you can leave it out. And I made some porridge rice. I like this more than normal kind, because it reminds me of sushi rice, a bit sticky. And it is chepaer than sushi rice, so this is a great hack. :D

Anyway, I had a lot of it. I made it enough to have three portions, but considering I am a volume eater, I knew I would have it twice. I put half of it in the fridge to have on the next day. As my sister is about to move, I needed to go to her place and help with packing and I wouldn't have had time to cook anyway, so it was nice to have leftovers.

It is always difficult for me to make food for several days in a row, because whenever I have cooked food at home, I always want to finish it. So then I keep saying that I don't like to have the same meal several days in a row. Though in all honesty, it is no problem, especially if the food is tasty.

Now in January I have this breakfast challenge going on, where I take pictures of all of my breakfasts. I am wondering if it would be interesting to see what I have for dinners? Maybe it would be an idea for February. I wouldn't do it with lunches though, because I eat at work where taking pictures is just weird and my lunch is usually some packaged food from the store. It would be challenge to cook at home and take it to work though. I will think about it. :D

But yeah, that is all from me for today. I want to tell more about my challenges, but they are still ongoing, hehe. :D