I Won't Quote

I thought that during this challenge I mark some things down about how I am doing. Today is the 8th of January and I am feeling pretty good. At the same time I have focused on eating more, because in my menu, there isn't stuff like cottage cheese, normal cheese, eggs etc. Instead I have had a lot of tofu, lentils and all that kind of stuff. There have been moments where I have thought that oh, I want cottage cheese salad, but instead I have fried up some potatoes and onions and it is carbs, yes, but it does the trick.

I am obsessed with potatoes at the moment. For some time I had it in every possible way and wondered if I should stop, but why? Potatoes are good! I haven't had sweet potato in a while, should make something with it. Sweet potato boat with beans on tomato sauce is a really good combo for example.

There are so many new recipes I want to try. I have a habit of looking up stuff, then I write it down on sticky notes and stick them to my bullet journal. And when I go to the store, I can easily buy everything I need.

Breakfasts have been a lot of porridge or yoghurt. I have tried almost every Alpro yoghurt there is and I really love them. I am surprised that I am not missing cheese or eggs. Or normal curd cream. Vegan alternatives are good enough. I also take extra B12 in the mornings as well as omega 3 and D vitamin. I have always done so, even when I ate eggs, milk and fish.

There are a lot of snacks that I have and that are not vegan and I am planning to try them out in February. This is a bit meh, because I would love to continue with vegan life, but I don't want to waste food.

Lunches are a bit more difficult, but I have managed. I am obsessed with vegan wraps from my local store - they are so nice. Also I have tried a lot of vegan ice creams and there is no end to be seen to my fruit and vegetable consumption.

I think I should focus more on protein, but it is coming along nicely. At the moment I am pleased to know that my body and mind are in a good place and I don't crave animal products.

It is only 8th of January when I am writing this, but I have done well so far and I don't see why I couldn't go until the end of the month. At the same time at work there have been moments where people have offered me something and I have had to say no, because a) I don't know if it is vegan or b) it is not vegan.

But yeah, it is fun. I have been more active in Facebook Estonian vegan group as well and people there are super nice. This is so cool. People there are really approachable and helpful, so cute!

Now it is the end of the month and I haven't really added anything. :D But oh well, I did have a post halfway though. Today it is 28th of January and I have been vegan 100%. It was a bit weird situation at work where my boss offered me chocolate and I said no. She got a bit upset. But I was sure of myself. And I feel good! On some moments I have thought that ah, it doesn't matter (especially when I have been out) if I eat vegan all January, but I have still stuck to it. I haven't had cravings and the reason of thinking of quitting has been in my mind when there haven't been much options in the menu for vegans or something.

I feel good, I have gained weight. I did a pasta challenge and tried all kinds of new stuff. I think the best about veganuary has been trying out new recipes. And remaking old ones. Like I made chilli, kimchi soup, stew etc. And in general I feel like there is much more variety in my menu now. That is always nice. I should maybe try and mark down all the different kind of foods again to see how much of what I have. :D

The biggest change has been my breakfasts. On some days I even ate something savoury, which is unheard of!

What is also good is that my energy level is muuuch better. I don't have this afternoon crash at all anymore. I am alert and ready to work all the time. Also, in January I have only had this one day where I ate everything in sight. For the rest of the time I have managed well and I haven't experiences this extreme hunger anymore. But I think it is for sure thanks to having more protein in my diet. I still have carbs for the most part, but it is fine. Anyway, I feel good and energetic and well. :D

Now the food places are open again and I have been out with a friend a few times. In completely vegan places. But it is nice to see vegan menus expanding elsewhere too. Like the cat cafe now also has something for vegans. I should go there, I want to pet cats. Even though I have one at home. But well, I want to share some more love. :D

All in all I wouldn't say that one diet is better than the other. You have to think about what is right for you, both physically and mentally. At first when I cut out meat, I did it because of my health, but nowdays the wellbeing of animals is much more imporant to me!

I thought that the work event would be difficult, because we were offered lunch and cake. To my surprise, there was vegan chickpea salad with avocado in the menu, in addition to dips, hummus and guacamole as well as chips, bread etc. I had a lot of food. It was nice not to worry about food and talk to others. I did get some guilt, but this is not the main focus of today. I just wanted to mention that vegan things were the first ones that were eaten, people especially liked the salad and almost fought over it. :D

And now it is the first of February. I can look back at January and swear that I enjoyed it. And I won't be running having animal products, but if there are occasions when I have them, I won't make myself feel bad over it. I think it is not imporant for everyone to be vegan, I think it is important for people doing it at least a little. The world doesn't need everyone to do it 100% of the time. It is enough if people put at least some effort into it and cut at least some animal products. Honestly I don't have anything against vegans, but some extreme people sometimes do scare me.

I talked about this with my friend and we discussed how some people are really radical. For example there are ones who live completely waste free, use only reusable stuff etc. And they often criticize others, who maybe do 50/50, sometimes reusable, sometimes not. I think accusing others is not a way to go and it is definitely not helpful.

To sum up January I am surprised I got over my cheese addiction! It was a huge thing as I could have half a block of cheese easily. :D But now I learned that vegan versions are also good (and sometimes better). :D I am really glad I got to try them. Everything has been really positive. Yeah, I can't really bring out negative things at all. Maybe the fact I couldn't have cake at work? But instead I had a double amount of guac and chips and it was good. :D

Anyway, veganuary went well and I will keep up and not but animal products. Yay!

Even thought January is over I wanted to share another discovery. Vegan waffles! I got a waffle maker for like 9 euros and thought I would give it a try. I looked at so many recipes but they all were really elaborate. And then there is this one vegan youtuber that I like (Waffles with Leila) and she always has waffles. And they are so simple. Flour, protein powder, baking powder, milk and chia seeds. As I don't use protein powder, I just added more flour. It was about 120 ml of flour, teaspoon of chia seeds, half a teaspoon of bakin powder, some sugar and some oatmilk (the dough should be a little thicker than the one for crepes). And it came out like this:

And they tasted amazing! And it was so quick to make them. I think the next time I have them, I will make a bit more and store some in the freezer. I wanted to do it this time was well, but I wanted to try them out first.

My friend also shared a good tip - when they are not completely ready, but them in the toaster. Then they come out super crispy. And it should also help to add cornstarch. But anyway, I was pleased with mine. I can't wait to try making falafel waffles. :D There are so many options - with potatoes, porridge etc. :D It seems like they all will be good. I shall try them when all of my challenges are over.

At the moment I am doing potato challenge and it is going really well. Will post about it on Friday. And then I think I will have a little break and try different kind of things. Before doing another grain challenge. :D I just don't want rice or pasta to become fear foods again.

Anyway, if not completely vegan, I will make more of this kind of challenges in the future. And I will be definitely doing another veganuary next year. I recommend this challenge!

As my pasta challenge was quite fun, I thought I will do the rice challenge as well. Besides I think that rice is even scarier. With pasta, it was surprising how big the serving actually was, but rice is small and has quite a lot of clories. But I love it. So anyway, I decided to go for it.

First day

Me and my sister ordered some sushi. We picked a place called Sushiro, but actually had planned to order from somewhere else. But it appeared that the other place we liked didn't deliver to her home. So we needed to change the plans really quickly. It was kind of good, too, as it helped me to be more spontaneous.

We picked maki roll with king oyster mushroom and dried onion (this was the best!), tempura maki with tofu and fresh salad leaves and vegan tempura maki. Aa, we also added simple avocado maki as well. We had some crisps and cookies after sushi, so we didn't go do crazy with the order.

I really liked all of them, but as my sister said, it wasn't really sushi. :D I wanted to taste nori (seaweed) a bit more, that was the thing. I really liked avocado maki, but they were such small pieces. It was also sad that they added so little ginger. I always have some pickled ginger in the fridge, but my sister didn't, so yeah. Serious ginger crisis. Next time I know to order some separately. I am used to the other place and they add a ton of it. :D

But as I mentioned, it was quite good. I am not a big fan of tempura, but it was fine. Good for a change. And it was really sweet that my sister said before ordering that let's pick all vegan sushis then. :D I had this veganuary challenge going on and I couldn't have cream cheese or anything like that. I will post separately about my vegan January, even though I feel like I have so many posts lined up already and maybe I should start posting three times a week instead. We shall see. I could connect some posts, but I want to keep them separate by topics or something.

Anyway, sushi was good and I love rice. :D

Second day

At first I had a plan of making rice and veggies in different ways, but I made a whole bunch of same kind. I used frozen vegetables, then added mushrooms, onion and porridge rice. For the sauce I added a lot of garlic, tons of peanut butter and some soy sauce. Some pepper as well. Then mixed it all up, cut up some tomatoes and ate everything.

I wanted to say that the rice bag says that 50 - 70 grams of dry rice is one portion per person. I added 60 grams per portion, so it was middle somewhere. I swear.

Anyway, there was enough food and I got full. Actually I think I wanted some more, but after dinner I also ate a whole pomelo, so in the end I was even too bloated. :D

For tomorrow I already have a plan, I will eat one thing, then switch it up, then back to the first etc. But yes, I am finally going to make beetroot risotto. I am currently thinking if I should get some cheese as well, because a lot of recipes have it and I think I would like it. Especially with blue cheese or goat cheese. But at the same time I made a deal with myself about not buying animal products and only having them when I have no other option and I am out.

Third day

I made this beetroot risotto with feta cheese and added some zucchini salad on the side. I was surprised how much water it got absorbed into risotto rice. :D When I put everything on the pan and started adding water, I was convinced I had to drain it with a sieve, but I needed to add more than the recipe asked for! 

It tasted super good, I was surprised. I have never really had risotto, except one time I made it at home. Beetroot suited really well. It was also quite quick to make, chopping onions took the most time. I gad minced garlick already and then I just needed to wait on 20 minutes until it did it's thing.

I was scared that rice portions were too small for me, but it was exactly right. I was full enough, but still could have dessert. :D

Also I bought two new ice creams but I haven't yet tried them. I need to do that soon. I thought I will have both on one evening, because having just one is too little, haha. :D I am used to having the whole pint. :D

Now I have food for tomorrow and the day after that, but I will still mark down my emotions and stuff. I haven't yet decided if I will write about my weight change, but I will think about it. I would like to portray that your weight don't magically go up if you eat rice (I am sure it doesn't).

Next I will be doing potato challenge and I am already excited, it has been a while. I have some recipes lined up to get inspiration from, but this may still change. Anyway, I feel like this 5 day pasta challenge REALLY helped me. Like, for real, I am not scared of pasta anymore. And before, when I had pasta like once a month, I could handle it, but it was still frightning. And today I also thought that rice is so good, why haven't I had it in a while? Like when I have made a stew or something, why haven't I paired it up with rice? It would be more filling and everything. So yes, I will start doing this in the future. :D There is some real progress going on.

Fourth day

Today I warmed up this rice with vegetables and peanut butter sauce and I also added some fresh salad with romano cabbage, tomato, bell pepper and cucumber. It tasted really good and I was really hungry so I basically inhailed it. Also honestly I like having food on the second or third day a lot, I feel like it tastes so much more flavoursome. :D But at the same time I like making food, so this meal prepping doesn't seem to be for me after all. Anyway, the food was really good!

After that I also had another pomelo, because, well, they are still in season and I love them. Having rice hasn't become as easy as it was with pasta though, this is surprising. Because I feel like it wasn't as scary when I started. But reality is different.

For lunches I have challenged myself with having bread or toast. It has become difficult again, though I used to have it every day. It just goes to show me that you need to repeat your actions. So at least I am having proper lunches too this week. Like another day I had black bread sandwitch with mayo and grilled vegetables and it was really good. I don't know what is up with me and lunches. Oh well, we will get over it.

On Thursday my coworker promised to bring some cake, as she will be staying home with a baby soon. So it will be a small challenge. Recently it has become diffiult to have food when it is not food or snack time. I just need to do this.

I feel like I am motivated today again. :D But I am not complaining, because I was at a really low point for a few days. But now I am back on track again.

Fifth day

Today it will be another day of beetroot risotto with feta cheese. I thought that maybe I should write why I decided to buy cheese. It was because vegan diet seemed too restrictive. Yep. I understand that there are alternatives for everything, but still, considering where I am right now, in the process of healing from and ED, I don't feel like I would be vegan for right reasons. Yes, I have discovered that animals, birds and fish are really important, but I KNOW for a fact I would use veganism as a way to restrict myself. And I don't want to do that. I have been suffering with an anorexia for 3-4 years now and I don't want to keep staying in one position.

At the same time I need to highlight that people HAVE gotten over their eating disorders while being evgan. And if you can do this, GO YOU! YOU DO YOU! It is amazing and I am really happy for you, honestly. But it doesn't work for me at the moment. Yes, I would love to be vegan in the future, but I don't feel like I can do this right now. If you think worse of me because of this then... at least I have tried explaining. Honestly, I think doing a little and having vegan food as much as possible, is better than doing nothing. :)

... today's dinner was really good. But I discovered I took too little salad yesterday, so this time there was too much of it left. But it is fine, I love fresh salad. At one point it was the only thing I used to eat - I made it to take to work with me, I had it as a dinner. Today I paired it with beetroot risotto and feta cheese and I got much more full and satiated. :D Whenever I had only salad, I felt physically full, but I still craved for food. And I never let myself have some. Now things are more normal.

Of course I wanted to have something sweet right after, so I had an apple. But I didn't stop there of course. :D There was this Expensive calories show on TV again and I needed to watch it with ice cream.

But regaring this show, I learned something new. Banana = scrambled eggs. Yep. Nutritionist, who'se work is to, well, make people eat better, have a vegan girl banana instead of scrambled eggs. Amazing. *world's biggest facepalm*. There was some green salad and two dry slices of bread on the side as well. :DDD

What else... oh, I "liked" how they worked out. Especially when they said "let's kill this kohuke dessert" :)))))). Lovely. And how people in the show started to hate the word dessert and had this negative connection with the word. Very cool. Well thought out.

My friend also said that this "calories cupboard" with sweets and drinks is just as good as to add a fridge with beer to alcoholics anonymous meeting. :D Nice, isn't it?

And there was some holistic nutritionist who I really didn't understand. I don't know, they mentioned that with eating disorders, psychologist and psychiatrists deal with them, so at least that. But to have a psychologist in the show... probably too much to ask for? We will see what they do in the next episodes. Anyway yes, ee, I didn't like the episode.

I wanted to mention that the participants though are really nice and I really feel for them. It was sad to see how one girl was really upsed on the previous episode and one on this one. Would have liked to tell them some encouraging words.

At least my ice cream was tasty and Motu also liked it!

In conclusion

Rice challenge was really fun. I really liked FINALLY making risotto, it had been on my list for a long time already. And during the last two days it was easier to eat rice as well. Maybe it helped that I had a huge salad on the side - it was familiar and encouraging. Also people keep saying that don't take things out of your menu, just add to it. Like if you love potato fries, make something nutritious to go WITH them. If at one point I would have had only salad, now I added risotto. And ate it all.

What was my favourite this week? I think it was risotto indeed. Rice was a bit different and this other dish had too much peanut butter. :D I can't believe there is such thing as too much peanut butter.

Now I am starting the potato challenge and I have a set plan, seems exciting. I will use a lot of new stuff as well. I actually thought I would give some time for myself before doing another challenge, but I really crave for potatoes so why not start now, right. :D

I got up really early in the morning, at 5:30. Usually I wake up around 6, but I wanted to make pancakes. I have been dreaming about them since the beginning of January, but I have always been just too lazy. Now finally it was time. I also discovered a hack: make more pancakes and put the rest in the freezer (I put some parchment paper between them, so they wouldn't stuck together) and then I can have them when I want. I had them with apple jam my mum made. It tasted so good, it was exactly what I had been wanting.

How did my weight change? Well, to be honest, it didn't. So just go for it and have all the rice you want. Because I am planning to. (And I still need to make some gains, so I think I will be having ice cream every night again... I am not complaining.)

This month I am taking pictures of my dinners too, so maybe the posts are going to be a bit repetitive, but I will try not to do this. I will try and cook a lot of new meals as well. Like another day I discovered they are selling plaintains in the store, I have always wanted to try it! Should really do that. Have you ever had it?

And I need to try more vegan stuff again. In January I tried loads, but in February, there hasn't been much yet. There are some things to come, but as I have found my favourites, I keep buying the same stuff. And there is no point in reviewing something several times. :D I have some items waiting for me tohugh.

So this was the rice challenge. I feel good. I would like to make a plan that after all of these challenges I will be having pasta, rice, potatoes and other grains at least once every week. And then go from there. :D It would be a good thing to base your diet around.

I decided to take a picutre of every breakfast I have in January. Just to see what is my favourite and what do I even eat, because I would like to try something other than porridge as well. :D Anyway, here we go!

1. Porridge with blueberries, gingerbread seasoning and banana. Of course some coffee.
2. Porridge with strawberries, gingerbread seasoning and banana. Coffee. :D
3. Porridge with raspberries, gingerbread seasoning and banana. I promise to have something different tomorrow, FINALLY. :D
4. Alpro soy yoghurt, Weetabix, blueberries, raspberries and banana. Something completely different! :D Actually it was a nice and quick breakfast, as I had postponed my alarm four times and was shocked when I finally woke up. I think I should place my phone further form me, hahaa. Anyway, this was surprisingly good, even thouhh I got hungry really fast, hmm.
5. Porridge with strawberries, gingerbread seasoning and banana. Honestly, I have no idea when I will get over my gingerbread flavour addiction. I think I have had porridge with it for two months in a row?! :D But oh well.
6. Alpro soy yoghurt with blueberries, blackcurrants and banana. And Weetabix. I added some almond milk as well, because yesterday the Weetabix was kind of dry. Soy yoghurt has won me over. It is much better than regular greek yoghurt. It is a bit pricy compared, but whatever. Also today my friend is coming over and we are going to have pizza, I thought for a long time if I should skip breakfast or lunch. My weight has gone up by a kilo again, and this really made me want to skip meals. This challenge is good - I couldn't not have anything.
7. Porridge with blackcurrants, banana and gingerbread seasoning. I actually wanted to have another yoghurt bowl, but I was cold and wanted something warm instead.
8. Porridge with cherries, banana, cocoa powder and a little bit of gingerbread seasoning. Again, I wanted something hot. But then I thought I will switch it up a little and added cocoa. It was so good. I think chocolate and cherries are ultimate combo. And I did need a bit of spice. But I got some Alpro coconut yoghurt that I am planning to have tomorrow. :D Soy one was really good, but I haven't tried the coconut one yet.
9. Porridge with banana, raspberries, cocoa and gingerbread seasoning. Again, wanted something warming. Porridge is still in.
10. Yoghurt bowl with Alpro coconut yoghurt, banana, raspberries, blueberries, blackcurrants and Wheetabix. I think this will be my new obsession, I am convinced :D. But I need to say that I liked soy yoghurt more.
11. Porridge with strawberries, banana and gingerbread seasoning. As it is the start of the week, I decided to have this again. :D Also it was cold in my flat, so this solved the situation. I am now almost out of gingerbread seasoning as well and I thought I will try some other combinations now, to make it a bit more interesting. :D
12. Coconut yoghurt with banana, Weetabix, cherries and mango. Recently I have also started having orange juice in the mornings, as my friend got some when I had a housewarming party and it was left over. This is such a big challenge, but mmm, it has bits of oranges and I really used to love this.
13. Porridge with banana, blueberries and mango, also added some igngerbread spice. I did also have coffee and juice. Morning was cold again. I have another idea for breakfast, but it seems sooo scary so I have been having similar things recently. Maybe tomorrow? We shall see...
14. Porridge with strawberries, banana and cocoa. Orange juice and coffee as well, of course! I ran out of gingerbread spice, so this was just a nice chocolatey porridge, nom.
15. THIRD different kind of breakfast this month, yay! I made some more of this vegan banana bread and I mikrowaved a slice, added some new Cocodeli vegan yoghurt with blueberries and topped it off with blackcurrants. I was kind of upset over the calories in the yoghurt, but I managed. Also had some coffee and juice. I am surprised I didn't get this "oh I wish I had porridge instead" feeling that I kind of expected.
16. Weetabix with chocolate pieces and oatmilk, coffee and orange juice. I was ina hurry this morning, as I needed to prepare a huge pot of pasta. So this quick meal saved my morning. And it was amazing! I thought that I was not going to get full, but Weetabix is quite filling. Also I had more than recommended 40 grams (I had 100 in fact) :D. It was really really good. I can't believe I had cereal for breakfast.
17. Porridge with strawberries and mango, banana and ginger plus cinnamon. Orange juice. Coffee. I hadn't had porridge in a while so I really wanted it. :D I still don't have gingerpread seasoning at the moment but I wanted this kick, thus I added ginger. It was tasty! I also thought that mango used to be a big no-no for me, because it is fruit quite high in calories. But now I added it without any problems! A big win.
18. Porridge with banana, cherries, cocoa and ginger. And coffee plus juice on the side. I did it! I finished off a bottle of orange juice and GOT A NEW ONE. Because it is really good. I usually start making food and sip on it while doing that. It used to be completely off limits, to enjoy a thing I needed to sit down and focus on food and drink. Now I can just sip on it on the side. And it feels normal.
19. Porridge with banana, raspberries and gingerbread seasoning. Orange juice and coffee. I finally got some new gingerbread spice, because I really craved it. :D I am thinking about trying a different breakfast finally in the near future. But my obsession is back. At the same time I have a pack of tofu in the fridge so maybe I will make tofu scramble. I got some black salt from a friend too, and it should give it eggy flavour. Let's see.
20. Tofu scramble, beans in tomato sauce, toast with vegan butter, orange juice and coffee. I finally did it! I forgot to add tofu to my soup so I needed to used it. :D Anyway, I added black salt and it was unreal?! It literally tasted like normal scrambled eggs. I couldn't believe it! At the same time I missed somewhing sweet. But it was nice to get out of routine. :D
21. Alpro soy yoghurt with muesli, banana, raspberries and blackcurrants. Orange juice and coffee. I discovered thay my yoghurt was about to expire so I needed to have it. It was good. At the same time I couldn't really taste muesli and it felt like a waste. I am thinking of trying muesli with just milk in the future, but it doesn't seem enough like this and I am annoyed at myseld. :D I also picked this muesli after 20 minutes of walking around in the isle. Firstly because I needed to make sure it is vegan and then I checked the calories and they were so high. I couldn't decide if I am willing to have it or not. But I did it!
22. Alpro soy yoghurt, muesli, banana, raspberries and blackcurrants that I warmed up in the microwave. Coffee and orange juice too, of course. :D I added more muesli this time, though I kept thinking how Weetabix had less calories. But I managed. And it tasted really good. Honestly, this kind of yoghurt bowl is totally my new obsession. :D I love it!
23. Porridge with strawberries and Biscoff. Coffee and orange juice. This was soooo goooood. I tried Biscoff on its own as well and it was super tasty, I can't even explain. :D At the same time it was a bit stange in the porridge and it was scary as hell. But nommm, I am going to have so much of it. I forgot a banana, but it was sweet enough. :D Honestly, recommend. I am waiting to have it on toast as well.
24. Porridge with blueberries and Biscoff, OJ and coffee. Really nom. I added more Biscoff than yesterday. I am addicted. :D
25. Cocodeli yoghurt with mango and passionfruit, muesli, blueberries, mango and a banana. OJ and coffee. It was quite difficult because this yoghurt has sooo manyyy calories. But it was really good. I never thought I would enjoy something as much as porridge. :D
26. Homemade bread with Violife cheddar spread, pack of cherry tomatoes and toast with Biscoff. Orange juice and coffee. It was something completely different for a change. But I still prefer to have only sweet stuff in the morning. :D But yes, I could finally try Biscoff on toast! It goes better with porridge, if I am honest. With the Violife spread, I was really annoyed. I wanted to use it up and added a LOT of it and then I had so much guilt. Yep. From this small thing.
27. I couldn't decide on what to have - muesli with yoghurt or porrige - and made a poll on Instagram. Yoghurt bowl was the winner. So I added muesli, banana, raspberries and blueberries. It was super nice this morning. I enjoy muesli more and more and can have a good amount of it. I feel like this is becoming more and more normal. I had orange juice and coffee on the side, no morning starts without.
28. Exactly the same thing I had yesterday, because I was so sleepy and wanted to have something quick. :D
29. Porridge with strawberries and Biscoff, orange juice and coffee. God, it feels like I haven't had porridge in a really long time. :D So it was nice for a change. Tomorrow I am thinking of making pancakes, but we shall see.
30. Porridge with blueberries and Biscoff, juice and coffee, as always. But I would have wanted some yoghurt to be honest.
31. Soy yoghurt with blueberries, mango, banana and muesli. Coffee and juice. I actually felt really nauseous and weird in the morning and I planned to skip it, but as I promised to do this challenge, I still had brekkie.

There were morning where I didn't want to have any food, because I felt really guilty from the previous day. Or I couldn't decide on what to have. This challenge made me eat properly though, and made me discover new things. Now I am already planning to have some other kind of foods, like I got some new oat yoghurts I am yet to try, and I also want to make pancakes finally.

I won't be writing down February breakfasts, but I will try and post on Instagram. This month I am documenting my dinners and I will try and make different things. So it would be more exciting for both me and you. I will also be sharing those on Instagram.

Is this kind of collage with pictures good or would you like to see some meals separately? :D Also in general I really enjoy these kinf or posts of other people food. Anyway, I hope this is motivating and gives you some ideas for breakfasts. :D And I am really glad I am having juice again, as liquid calories is a big big fear.

Before I get to reviewing vegan products I tried in January, I wanted to write a little about progress that has been going on for me. Or I am not sure if this can be called progress. But I will write it down anyway.

On Saturday I went to my sister's place (and I also started with rice challenge) and we ate and drank a bit. Anyway, I could have easily filmed it, make it into YouTube calorie challenge, get some views and become rich. Okay, maybe I am overdoing it a little, but not by much.

Anyway on the next day I felt so shitty and angry at myself. How did I do that again? Binging. Then I still had breakfast and motivated myself to go and visit my friend, we walked around for a bit with her baby and it was super nice. And then I got over this anger for the most part. I was like, okay, it happened and I can't do anything about it. And instead of resticting myself or making myself move around, I went to the store, got some food for lunch and also dinner and I took the bus home. There I took a shower, did a face mask and hair mask and was gentle to myself, friendly and supportive.

Like, it felt so weird. Usually I am always angry the whole day, make myself walk 25k steps and skip lunches for several days in a row. So yeah, this self-soothing was like... nice.

I really hope that something like this won't happen again, but I managed it. I felt shit, but I accepted it, because there really wasn't anything else to do.

I wanted to add something about my previous post. My 200 grams of weight gain was definitely not due to having pasta. It could have been water weight or something. And I didn't write it down to scare someone, my goal was to show that no, you don't gain weight even if you eat pasta daily. I hoped you would understand, but considering some comments I got, it was an issue.

Now here are all the vegan products I tried in January:

Mister Free'd tortillakrõpsud juustuga (Mister Free'd tortilla chips with vegan cheese)

I got these from Selver and they sat on my cupboard for a while, as I ws too scared of having them. I knew I would have the whole bag once it was opened. And I did. It tasted AMAZING. Normal tortilla chips are always too bland for my liking, unless you are having chilli ones. But these were seriously good. Like for real, when I finished the bag, I still craved for more. These were better than normal potato chips that are also my obsession currently. So I highly recommend them! There are also beetroot and spinach tortillas from the same company that I am yet to try. Anyway, this gets 9,5/10. Really good!

Vegeplus gouda juust (Vegeplus Gouda cheese)

I had it without anything, then on a slice of bread and also on pizza. And I really liked it. It wasn't as good on its own than Violife's pizza zhreds, but it still was okay. On bread with tomatoes and cucumber it was really good and it really suited on pizza as well. I wasn't as melty as Violife, but everyone liked it. It is definitely something I would get again and I would like to try other flavours as well, because there was a ton. 7/10 for sure.

Valsoia trühvlijäätis (Valsoia truffle ice cream)

This was really good! Sweet and nice. I didn't feel like eating vegan ice cream at all, so I think this is good. Anyway, I really liked it. Not one of my favourite ice creams ever but I am not complaining. This company also has tiramisu flavoured one that I am yet to try. But for this I would give 7/10.

Alpro mandli-soolakaramellijäätis (Alpro almond-salted caramel ice cream)

Well this was simply fantastic. I think it is one of my favourite ice creams I have ever had! On the second place there is LaMuu brownie one. I really liked the almond pieces and salted caramel sauce... there was plenty of it! Anyway, I recommend it. Also it wasn't too expensive, considering it was vegan ice cream. 9/10.

Cocodeli joogojogurt mustikaga (Cocodeli drinking yoghurt with blueberries)

I couldn't find it online, but I tried it anyway, as my friend got it for me for my housewarming party. And it was good. A bit too liquidy, but it tasted amazing anyway! I could taste some coconut, which I really liked. I am not a big fan of drinking yoghurts, but this was 7/10.

Cocodeli mustikajogurt (Cocodeli blueberry yoghurt)

This was a lot thicker and I had it with a slice of banana bread. It was such a good combo! I got kind of scared looking at the calories, as there was loads, even more than non-vegan yoghurts usually have. But well, the taste was good and I enjoyed it, definitely one of the best yoghurt alternatives. 7,5/10.

Tere köögikreem (Tere cooking cream)

I made pasta with it and was kind of scared of it tasting slightly sweet as their oatmilk is. This is cooking cream made of oats, btw. So I tried it before adding to my pasta. And it was just like normal cream. :D Anyway, it went well with the pasta and I will surely use it again. Really no different from non-vegan stuff. 8,5/10.

Köömnetega tofu (Tofu with cumin seeds)

I normally use bland tofu or one with dill, but I wanted to try this. I made tofu scramble with it, which came out really well. I couldn't really taste the cumin seeds which was a bit unfortunate. It was like other tofus I have tried, can't say anything bad about it. 7/10, would recommend!

Marta Pagari peedihummus (Marta Pagar beetroot hummus)

First mouthful was really good, but in the end I didn't really like it that much. I prefer their other flavours, but I think their regular one is still the best. But I ate it and if someone offered it, I would have it again. This was just one thing I really wanted to try. It was slightly sweet. I had it with just veggies and it was really nice to be honest. But not my favourite. 6/10.

Kellogg's müsli kookose ja india pähklitega (Kellogg's muesli with coconut and cashews)

For real, it took me 20 minutes on the muesli section to decide on it. And on the next day I had it for breakfast and I was kind of "meh" about it. But it is possible that it was because I added a lot of frozen berries and couldn't taste the muesli much. On the next day I tried it again and warmed the berries up beforehand. Also added more muesli than on the previous day. And I REALLY liked it. I just had it plain as well and it was extra good like this. Anyway, I love it. :D Coconut was what actually helped me to make the decision. I love coconut flavoured things and coconut shavings so much. I highly recommend. And it is a good challenge, as I am terrified of granola and muesli. 9/10.

Pastakaste tofuga (Pasta sauce with tofu)

I have had this tomato pasta sauce with soy mince before, but not this one. And I think this one is better. It fit well with pasta, onion, garlic and carrots. I also topped the whole dish off with some nutritional yeast and spinach. It was very good all together. :D I would buy it again if it was on sale. Very convenient. It was a bit sour so I added a little sugar as well. But I loved it! 7/10.

Marta Pagari hummus apelsini ja porgandiga (Marta Pagar hummus with orange and carrot)

Honestly I thought this was going to be disgusting and sweet and I was really sceptical over it, right. And then I tried it as a snack with cucumber and bell pepper and it was the BEST hummus I have ever had! This is my absolute favourite and I am going to always buy only this. :D I don't know how it is possible that the one I thought would be my least favourite was the best. Anyway, 10/10, there is no more to think.

Kookosjogurt mango ja passioniga (Cocodeli yoghurt with mango and passionfruit)

About these Cocodeli yoghurts I can say that their texture is really weird. :D Like when I pour it on a bowl, it does BLOP and just throws itself against the bowl. :D But it tasted good, it was nice and creamy and it didn't have a weird taste like Alpro coconut one has. I think this was my favourite out of Cocodeli things, so I would give it 8/10. I still prefer plain soya yoghurt, but if there is none of that, this will do. I had it with fruits, muesli and berries and I really loved the combo!

Violife cheddar võileivamääre (Violife cheddar spread)

This literally tasted like Cheetos cheese puffs! Like, for real, 100%. And I won't even deny having some spoonfuls plain, I really craved for something savoury and it really hit the spot. :D I didn't like it on bread as much, but I made pasta with it and it went so well. 8/10, would buy again.

Green Story köögiviljapasta baklažaani ja kikerhernestega (Green Story vegetable spread with eggplant and chickpeas)

I have seen it in most stores. The taste was really good, but it was a bit plain in pasta. I hoped it would have stronger flavour, kind of like pesto or something. But I think it would go well with toast. Or as a dip, as it was similar to hummus (this also makes sense, as it has chickpeas in it). I would give it 6/10, I would definitely used it again. The price was a bit high I think.

Prisma (Rainbow) sojajogurt (Prisma (Rainbow) soya yoghurt)

I thought I would try this store's own product to see if it is less tasty than Alpro one. And I think it is pretty much the same. It feels a bit stronger maybe, but it is not bad. I made yoghurt bowl with banana, berries and muesli again and it went well together. I have been thinking of trying this in savoury dishes as well, but haven't had a chance yet. Anyway, I really liked it - texture was good and price was good as well. 9/10.

Rimi enda hummus (Rimi store's own hummus)

I still thought I would try some more hummus and picked this out. It tasted really good and ingredients were nice and there wasn't too many unnecessary things. But nothing beats the orange and carrot hummus still. :D But well, I liked this as well, price was also good. 7,5/10.

I have been wanting to do this challenge for a while already. But I have been too scared. What am I talking about? Pasta challenge. But now I have a plan to have pasta every day for five days in a row. To show myself that it is fine, pasta is normal food and I can have it. Also, there are so many options to make pasta!

It has not been enough to have pasta once a month, because yes, I can handle it, but I am still scared. Are there any more things people are scared of? I want to show that no food is scary, both to myself and to others.

Day one

I made this pasta on Friday, but I had some leftovers, so I started this challenge on Sunday. It was pasta with tomato-tofu sauce, carrots, onion and garlic. And I also added some spinach. I always think that when I have pasta the portion size will be tiny, because it has a lot of calories and so on. And whenever I actually make it, I am like... can I really eat that much? :D This illness has really made me think awfully about food.

Of course I need to constantly check from the bag or on Google how big is the dried pasta portion. And I am always surprised to see that it is 75 grams. This seems so much. And when pasta boils, it grows on size, so there is a lot of it.

I really like pasta with carrots. In general when my pasta is boiling, I fry onion, garlic and carrots, then add the sauce. When carrots are almost soft, I add pasta and mix it all up, then I wait for a bit. Lastly I add spinach and mix everything again. I really like spinach or ruccola in pasta, I really think they add some good flavour.

Anyway I really loved this tomato pasta! On Friday I also topped it off with some nutrtitional yeast, but on Sunday I didn't do this. Also I bought pre-made pasta sauce with tofu. They have one with soya as well, but I didn't like that as much. It is still a bit sour so I did add a little bit of sugar to balance taste.

I was quite full, but it didn't mean that I needed to skip lunch or something. I still had all my meals, snacks and dessert. And I topped the evening with a pint of ice cream. Pasta is good.

Day two

I got really excited over pasta shapes and then in addition to fusilli I had at home, I also got penne and farfalle. XD I thought that maybe this is more interesting. Also my fusilli was wholewhat one, but if I am 100% honest, I like regular white pasta more... so I got white penne and farfalle. :D

Today I wanted to make something creamy. I thought about just buying some vegan cream, then I thought about Oatly spread that is with garlic and cucumber, but in the end I picked up Violife cheddar cheese spread.

Firstly I fried up garlic and onion, then added tofu with cumin seeds, paprica and a can of mushrooms. I flavoured it with salt, pepper and basil. Then I added almost 150 grams of Violife spread and mixed it up. It melted completely (but it is made with coconut oil, so I understand) and it wasn't quite as creamy. But when I added pasta on ruccola, everything tasted like cheddar and it was amazing! It actually reminded me of Cheetos cheese balls, haha. :D

In America, mac and cheese is really popular right, and I think it was kind of like it, minus the creamy aspect. For a second I thought about buying vegan cheese too, but I didn't think I could used it all up so I didn't.

Pasta tasted good and I was again surprised at how big the portion was, haha. :D I set aside half of the pasta for the day after, because I want to make something different tomorrow. I already have all the ingredients. I thought that then I can mix it up a bit btter and I don't have to eat the same thing every day. Even though I really wouldn't mind.

I somehow feel that mind mind and body are like... all these years you avoided pasta must now be eaten! Give us pasta, all the pasta, and now!

But at the moment I feel like I will have so much pasta so much more often. :D

I have also become better at handling leftovers and I have been properly full. (Ah, on the second day I also had proper dessert as well.) And when I put half of the pasta away, I don't feel like I need to eat all of it anymore. Even though sometimes I am a bit sad that I have leftovers at home, because I really love cooking and I would like to make somethign different every single day. It is kind of my hobby. But at the same time it is good to have leftovers when I meet someone or something, because then I can have a quick dinner. So yeah, it is 50/50 situation. :D

I really want to make pesto pasta, but in general pesto has cheese, and it doesn't agree with my vegan month. I will try it in the future though, when I find vegan pesto or when January is over. I will try and continu not having animal products, but I would like to try pesto pasta as I have NEVER had it. I have always been too scared. Like sometimes I still think about this gnocchi I had in Romania - it was with pesto, walnuts and parmesan cheese and it was amazing. I would really like to just make gnocchi with green pesto or something. :D Anyway yes, I am planning on doing that.

I am thinking about what to do next week. I think I like 5-day challenges the most. They are nice, don't take too much time and there is always something to write about. When the challenges are longer, I get bored. And when it is only 24 hours, it doesn't even feel like a challenge.

Anyway, I know that pasta is a fear food for many people struggling with an eating disorder. And I wanted to do this challenge to show that it is fine and you can have it every day for a week and nothing bag happens. :D Also, if you think that you don't like pasta, then you should consider this: maybe it is your illness telling you so? And next - what kind of pasta have you had? There are so many different ones. With tomato sauce, cream, spreads, pesto, oil etc. Pasta world is huge. :D

Day three

I had some leftovers from yesterday, but I wanted to keep this for day four and mix it up a bit. So this time I used farfalle (yes, I used all three different pastas I had), vegetavles, onion, garlic and Green Story eggplant-chickpea spread. And some seasonings. And also 100 grams of ruccola, because pasta and ruccola are heavenly together.

This came out quite good, but it was my least favourite out of the three. I don't know, it was just missing something. :D Also it was a huge amount, which was actually fine, as I felt super hungry on that day. Anyway yes, I still had a lot of leftovers and I am planning to have them on Thursday.

I have really discovered that pasta is not as scary as I used to think. It tastes super good. Especially normal white pasta. :D I really told myself I prefer wholewheat one (actually my favourite is buckwheat pasta) and brown rice. But in reality I love white pasta and white rice. :D I don't know, they are much more... filling? And I don't have any issues eating time. I understand you can't have them when you are gluten intolerant, but I don't have this problem and I don't want to self diagnose like some influencers do. Same with lactose. Though I really like some lactose free yoghurts. I generally don't pay attention to this and eat what I crave and what I like.

Related to the pasta challenge I thought about making some more challenges. Next I want to do a rice one, meaning having rice for five days in a row. And then maybe potato challenge. Potatoes are not scary for me, but there are some followes who are scared of them. And I want to show both myself and others that all foods are okay and you can eat everything you want. Then I am thinking about grains in general, and I think I will make one where I have quinoa, couscous, bulgur, buckwheat and lentils? I don't know, seems interesting. :D Also I could try a lot of new recipes!

I also want to make a post about new foods. I looked up some simple recipes for my sister's cookbook yesterday and found a few ones that I really want to test out.

Day four

I haven't yet decided which pasta I will be having today. But at the moment I am glad I have leftovers, because I am thinking about visiting my sister today. And then I can go right into dinner when I get home. Also yesterday I had a pint of ice cream on top of my pasta. Even though I was super full. But there is always room for ice cream.

Also today the Expensive Calories show is on TV again. I will have my dessert and watch this and laugh about it. I will write down some comments as well.

Yesterday I also had my psychologist appintment and I told her about how angry I am over this show. But she said that it is good I can understand how bad it is and that I don't follow what they are promoting. We also talked about my overeating episdes, which I haven't suffered in a few weeks now. On last post I forgot to mention that when I have normal meals and snacks, my energy levels during the day are quite balanced. I don't feel this afternoon crash. Sometimes I do feel sleepy, but it is also normal.

Then I also wanted to mention the topic about... when do you know you are sick and need to seek help. This illness is so sneaky, it will tell you everything. It will tell you that you don't have an ED and you will become happy in a bit. Just a few more kilos and life gets much better. And then you can allow yourself to enjoy food again. But if you get to this point, it will tell you a new thing. Just one more kilo. Then it is nice and round number. And then you can eat even more. Mhmmm, sounds familiar? And then it also LOVES the comments you get. "Oh you look so good", "oh you are so great and take a good care of yourself", "everything fits you", "you don't need to worry about food, you are so lucky". And of course person wants to receive these kind of compliments.

On today's episode of Expensive Calories I was really annoyed at some things they said. About a girl who is mentally struggling with a depression. "with getting thin, happiness is coming to her life". Really? Why don't all people lose weight then and get over their depression? I have been on this path and let me tell you, low weight DOES NOT bring you happiness. Of course you can feel better about yourself, but BEING THIN = HAPPINESS is a stupid connection to make.

Under one of my posts people started to talk about making compliments and I said that I don't like the ones regarding peoples' bodies. Or at least I don't like when people compliment me like this. For example if someone tells me they like my haircut, I am like... I can't change them now, because maybe then they don't like me anymore. But at the same time I am not bothered when they compliment my blue eyes. But I especially hate when people comment my weight. "You have lost some weight, well done" - meaning: I can't gain any. Vs "you have beautiful hands" - I am just happy.

I don't generally make comments about how people look, even though I have told a sales person at the store that I like their tattoo. :D But I think it is fine. In general I prefer compliments about personality. Like tell me I am cool, interesting, friendly, nice, tolerant etc. I don't think I am all of those things (like how am I cool? XD) but these are just some examples.

But yeah, I am not saying I follow my own rules all the time. I compliment people. But now about weight, because I can't stand it. :D But of course, you have to think logically and understand that most people mean well. :D Like, I don't think my coworker wanted to offent me when she asked if I have gained weight. But it was just hella triggeringgggg. Sorry. :D Anyway yes, these are my opinions on this topic. Feel free to share your's!

Day five

I didn't go to visit my sister yesterday, but I am going today. Also, I had this pasta with Violife spread yesterday, and added some fresh cherry tomatoes as I wanted some. It was good. Also had dessert while watching the weight loss show.

The second episode was a bit better. At first I didn't have high hopes, because they had celery juice first thing in the morning, but LUCKILY the host mentioned that you don't need to do this to lose wright. Instead they made smoothies.

But in general I don't like this message from the show. That all sweets and snacks and drinks are bad and you should never have them. Everyhing in moderation is fine. Snacks are just some energy and you use quite a bit of it in your day to day life. :D It is not the end of the world!

Then the host said that you should only eat food when you NEED it, not when you want it. But... if I am already NEEDING food, it means that I am starving. And this brings overeating into the game. It would be better to have smaller meals throughout the day. When you are thinking about food, you shoulg have it. And also - you CAN eat when you just want it. Food has a huge social aspect and I don't know, I don't only have food when I am starving. I never feel hungry during the lunchtime, but I still eat, because I need to. My body needs this energy.

In addition to this all, the vegan girl didn't have any food again? In the morning they made her vegan smoothe, but in the evening they had salad with regular mayo and baked chicken. This was absurd. :D I am not the only one who noticed ths. Someone wrote an article about it, saying that how can't our well known nutrition expert come up with plant based alternatives? Or I don't know, if they gave her something they should have shown it as well. Vegan food is good, trust me, I have been eating vegan for 29 days. And I have never enjoyed my food as much. :D

Today is the last pasta day, which I am kind of sad about to be honest. But at the same time I CAN have pasta tomorrow, if I want to. :D Also I am going to finally visit my sister today, so I am super glad I have some food in the fridge for the evening. With dessert I don't know what exactly I want, but I will go by the store and see what I fancy. Maybe some more ice cream as I am really on the ice cream kick at the moment. Even though I kind of want some cereal... hmm, there are a lot of options. Lately I have been having ice cream a lot and I feel like I need to chenge it up. :D

Yesterday I also made a list about challenges I want to do in February, it was quite fun. A lot of motivation do them, because they will have a lot I can write about and it is interesting to myself. With food challenges it is cool that I can try so many new things. And it is nice to work on the recipe book for my sister - I keep discovering things to try for myself as well.

Conclusion

Yesterday I had this huge portion of pasta and then also a pomelo that was around two kilos. It was difficult to deal with my emotions, as we had a work event and there was a lot of vegan!!!!! food, which I had a lot of. But I thought that whatever, it is not an every day occasion and I can enjoy my time with others. Also it was nice of my boss to provide vegan snacks (hummus, handmade bread, guacamole, fruits, cookies, salad with cauliflower, avocaod and crunchy chickpeas etc).

All in all I felt really full last night. I did go and see my sister's new place and we had some glasses of wine. A lot of guilt, which I haven't had in a while, but today is a new day and I will survive.

What can I say in conclusion?

1. I really like pasta and I will have more of it in the future. I didn't get tired of it, but my fear deffinitely lessened and I have learned a new pathway.

2. I gained exactly 200 grams. :D This means, you don't start gaining crazy amounts of weight if you eat pasta. I had THREE meals and at least THREE snacks every single day. It seems that I need to eat even more.

3. It taught me to have leftovers and meal prep and on some occasions it was really convenient.

4. I am looking forward to new challenges!

I think I am finally at the point where I can really write about this topic. Until now I have left the impression that I am doing well, but my weight remained the same. Now within last couple of months it has steadily gone up and now it is time to make a positive post about it. I don't know, how many positive sides there are, as I haven't read this post through, but I thought that this is something I want to write about. I have some ideas for future posts, but I need to do some work before sharing them. So they need to wait for a bit.

• I have energy to do things.

It is kind of funny how much more energy I have. On Sunday I went to my friend's place for example and I was strong enough to pick up her kid! Also there are no problems with climbing up the stairs. And like, I can ran to catch a bus or a trolbus or a tram. I walk faster. When my sister was moving, I managed to carry things. I didn't get this faint feeling and my hands didn't shake, as it was really common previously.

• I  get annoyed less.

I don't feel as irritated at people. It used to be a big problem in my relationship with my parents. Whenever I went home or they came to Tallinn to visit us, I felt this tension and it usually ended up with me crying a lot. Also, if something happens at work, I get over my emotions faster. It is another thing I really didn't think about before, but have noticed now. Thought about this while coming to work today.

• I feel less anxiety.

It used to be that my hands were shaking every time I cooked dinner and I cut myself a lot. :D Pretty disgusting, I walked around with bandaids covering my hands constantly. Also all the cuts healed soooo slowly, I managed to get ten new cuts before the old ones were okay. They still do heal slow now as well. But yes, my hands aren't shaking as much anymore and it is such a nice feeling. Of course I Googled hands shaking a lot and it was not a good idea. :D

• I remember things better.

And not only work-related stuff. I remember things that people just randomly mention. I don't have to keep saying "oh yeah, you mentioned it" when I have asked something 1000 times. I legit remember stuff. At work as well. Whenerver someone calls and asks what is the situation with their thing, I can instantly answer, because I remember my cases.

• I can focus more.

This month I have read a bit for 7 days now (I mark it down into my habit tracker on my bullet journal) and it is no problem to read for an hour. I did read yesterday night for example. And the day before that. I didn't have this feeling of laziness. It is so surprising! Of course it helps that I am reading a very good book ("Painted man"). Also I can watch short TV shows again and I feel like I am ready for movies soon. :D So please recommend me some fun movies... I want something lighthearted or just exciting, but I don't like sad endings, so keep that in mind. :D

• I have found new hobbies.

For example I have done a lot of scrapbooking and a few days ago I started to sort out pictures to be printed. So I can stick them there. And I listened to some music, I haven't done that in months either. Also my sister moved and is soon going to have a housewarming party. I thought about buying her a cookbook, but there weren't any I liked, so I decided to make one myself. I titled it as "Signe's restaurant cookbook" where I mark down simple dishes that I used to make when we lived together. I will add meat to some of them as well, because she prefers that. Anyway, it is nice to work on it, put stickers into it etc. It is kind of like a hobby. I have also thought about making a bullet journal and selling it. I really like decorating stuff. I will take some pictures of a one I am making, to show you. Maybe someone would like it. :D And of course I would only charge for the material. :D

• I can have takeaway.

Like really, this is such a good feeling. I have been having some takeaway with a friend recently, and I haven't restriced beforehand. As I used to do. And my anxiety over eating out has been replaced by excitement. I can't wait until the next time.

• I look better.

Yep. I said it. I read my old post another day and looked at the pictures there. And it was horrible how I looked. I can't put fingers around my hand any more and my legs have become more muscular. It looks so much nicer! Honestly, my clothes fit better and I can pick stuff in the stores. The smallest size used to be too big on me and I just looked like a skeleton. It was awful to stand in front of a mirror with someone. Also when I went to the gym I thought that the trainer will just tell me to leave, as I looked so unwell. But now things are different.

• I am more objective.

I have quite a lot of friends who are struggling with disordered eating and sometimes write to me about what they had and send pics. And it used to be really triggering for me, I was like... okay, you wat so little, I have already had three proper meals and some cake, I shouldn't have done that. But I have started telling myself that we are on a different paths, we have different bodys, different needs and what others are doing doesn't affect me. I have told the same thing to them. Because people are different. Honestly, even in Tartu I thought that it makes no sense some people didn't gain weight there. Even though we ate the same foods. But now I have understood that it is because... we are different. :D Simple as that. It is the same with running or jumping - people don't run exactly on the same speed or jump on the same height.

• I have less fears.

I am not scared of as many foods anymore. Like really, I remember my alphabed challenge and how it affected me. And how difficult it was. But now I feel like... I don't know, I don't care as much? Like, after eating I don't get as much guilt anymore. I do feel disgusting and awful sometimes, but it is not on the same level as it used to be. :D And it is such a big change!

• I don't have to take a picture of every meal I have.

I do do it quite often still and post on Instagram, but that is because a lot of people have told me it helps them. But it used to be an obsession. I took a picture of every single meal, snack and dessert. And then spammed my sister with them. Even when I had a small cookie or a candy, I still took a picture and sent it to her. Like I wanted to show off that look, I am having a candy, are you proud of me?! I don't need this anymore. Yes, it is good to have someone tell me that I am doing well and I can eat as much as I can, but taking pictures of meals is not an obsession. I used to not have anything without sharing it with someone. Also when there was an event with food, I always remembered everything I had and told to my sister or a friend. It was like... I wanted to say that look, I am eating, is this okay? I needed validation. Now I am allowing myself to have food. I don't need others to give me permission.

• I don't sweat at night as much.

These sweating sessions have almost gone. Within last month I haven't had this phenomenon any more. I can sleep all night normally and I don't wake up all sweaty of freezing. Also I used to work out and not feel hot at all, but now my body seems to function better. And I am not cold all the time anymore either. Sometimes, yes, but not all the time.

I don't know what else to mark down, because there are so many of those small changes that have happened. But yeah, these are the ones that instantly came to mind. I think I have written a similar post before, but now these things are more real and I don't imagine them. :D Now I really FEEL the difference and it is a nice feeling. Yes, I do miss a skinnier me, I am not going to lie. I miss that people looked at me and immediately understood that something was wrong. I miss feeling hunger and emotionless and I miss sleeping 12+ hours. I was so tired all the time. But it was kind of comforting. But life is so much better now. And I am doing better at work. And, I don't know, it is going to sound so cheesy, but I feel like Ia can breathe again. :D

I don't know where this motivation to write this post came now, but I am not complaining.

I promise that next posts are going to be more exciting and interesting and maybe will have more discussion. But yes, this weekend I just enjoyed my rest time, I didn't feel like reading up on things.

Also, yesterday I started a new challenge I am going to write about on Friday. It will be an exciting onw. :D

On Wednesday, I watched this new TV show, where people who want to lose weight are put in the house with a lot of snacks and drinks in the fridge. Every time they eat from there, money is taken off their prize.

Of course previous to this I went to have vegan burgers with my friend and of courise I ate the whole pint of ice cream while watching it. 

I will briefly write about the restaurant too - the burger was amazing. But it didn't really fill me up, so at home I had another dinner. We both picked burger with shredded sweet potato and I highly recommend it. This is their comany's main dish. I would like to try one with Beyond meat as well, though, but you can have them somewhere else too.

Workers were also really nice! Food got prepared super fast, though they had a lot of take away orders too.

It was a bit sad that it didn't have a proper seating area. But it was still nice, we chatted and ate and talked about old times. What else! My firend got me some Biscoff spread which I have been wanting to try for forever and a lot of vegan YouTubers have it all the time! :D I cannot wait to try it on porridge, but I also did check the calories and oh wow it is high. but oh well, I want to try it both in porridge and also just on toast. Maybe I can still do it this month and post about it.

Anyway, after this meetup I went to the store, got some ice cream and then came home. I just took a shower and chilled a bit and then watched this new show.

Before writing down my thoughts, I wanted to say that I don't have anything against people participating there. They all seem really nice and cool and they have their own reasons. BUT I still have some comments which I wanted to share. If you are up to it, feel free to comment as well.

And I am basing this text on my own experience with an eating disorder. So I am not completely objective. But I do think this is something people need to talk about. There are times when I see articles about eating disorders in media and I already hope the people will realise how important this topic is, but then the next day there are 98755 new diet articles so it is of no help. :D Like, I know so many people who have had or have an eating disorder and they sometimes don't even know it. Only later they understand that ohhhhhh I think I have a problem. But if people talked about it more, then I think it would be understood better and people may get help when they actually need it and get well (sooner).

I talked a lot about Tartu with a new friend. And then I thought that even though after Tartu I had a relapse, it was still needed to get better. Without this, I would probably be dead? :D I know it sounds awful and morbid, but this is the truth.

Anyway, about this show.

Firstly, some of those people weight less than I did before my illness. And then about one girl the host says something like "she is about to lose the battle with obesity". I thought this girl looked FINE AS HECK. And then I was like... I guess I was morbidly obese then. Yep, this is what my head told me. I guess I did need to lose weight etc! But honestly, you can't tell this thing about a girl who has normal weight?! Like, what kind of show is this? All the viewers may be (accidentally) triggered like this.

Secondly, why do they keep calling those people "heroes"? Just call them, well, people. :D Is the fact that they go to this kind of show to lose weight something that makes them heroes? Like, of course, well done and all, but I was really bothered by the use of this word. It didn't make sense in this context.

Thirdly, I feel so bad for the vegan-girl! Like, they made salad and chicken in sauce (also the host was really rude, he was SUPER surprised when the people provided stuff for a salad. Like what the heck, people are not that dumb. :'D) and she just had some dry salad leaves with cucumber and tomatoes? This thing should be more personal, I don't know. It was weird that no one paid attention to it and she wasn't offered an alternative. My opinion on the show got even lower.

Next, I still find that a lot of those people would get more help from therapy. I think that even more than ruining their relationship with food, they are not getting to the root of the things. I can hope that future episodes are better, but I still feel like they are not actually dealing with the main problems.

Finally, it was crap. But obviously I will keep watching, because I have this sick interest in it. And as I mentioned at the beginning, the participants seem nice and they would be interesting to talk to. I can't say anything bad about them. It just... annoys me that this show can affect viewers in bad ways.

What do you think? Do you agree with me? :D I think that they should make a show of Tartu hospital, that would be fun. As I mentioned previously, we always ate three meals and three snacks. Same things. And people who were overweight LOST WEIGHT. So you don't need to diet, go to a weight loss show. And for snacks we always had half the chocolate bar, yoghurt, cakes, tarts, candies etc. So you don't need to only eat apples, really. Human body is quite smart and if you give it enough energy, things will balance out, you will see. I do think it is true that there is a set point where your body is happy to be.

Honestly, I am very subjective and wrote this all based on myself. I don't want to critizise anyone and I really don't have any issues with the people on the show. Just... a thing for thought. Hope we are clear.

Next week I have my psychologis appointment, I will tell her about this show, as it is on my mind. Interesting how many people actually watch it. My sister recommended me not to do it, but as I mentioned, I was too curious. :D

I am thinking of doing some shorter challenges soon. I have a lot of ideas that I haven't yet executed. But my working out challenge is coming to an end and also the one where I take pictures of my breakfasts. Then I also want to start some new longer ones, I am thinking of marking down my dinners. Recently I have tried some new foods and for example today I am going to make PASTA. Even though I had pasta on Saturday. I just wanted to, so. And I need to repeat the challenges, or they will forever remain scary. :D

Me and my friend thought about going to have pasta next time we meet up. Even though it is easy for her, as she is used to having it. But I don't know, I would gladly go to Vapiano pasta and pizza place. I have only been there once in my life. :D But at the moment I am checking their menu and pizzas also sound reallllyyy good.

I want to go eat out in many places in general. It would be expensive, but I want to try! List of all the restaurants and cafes I want to visit grows longer every day. :D I should make a plan to eat out every other week. Or if it is too much, in every 2 or 3 weeks.

I am looking forward to February a little. Not because I want to have non-vegan foods, but I have so many snacks I need to eat up. I haven't gotten anything non-vegan myself, and have focused more on buring (accidentally) vegan products. But I want to try the snacks. I don't like to waste food. So yeah, in that sense I am looking forward to finishing Veganuary. Even though I also haven't set a rule to myself that I CAN'T have anything non-vegan. I just see what I feel like and at the moment this feels good.

In my bullet journal I am tracking when I have overeating moments, but recently they haven't come up as much anymore. Well, I guess the last time was the second week of January. But now recently things have been fairly normal. But I still feel like it is a problem - I eat a lot and I feel full, but I still WANT something. I like eating. As I like the ACT of eating. It is difficult not to eat when I am watching something etc. :D 

I think I also reached the maximum in my workouts. I started with ten rounds and added one every day. Yesterday I got up to 30 and that is enough. Although this workout only takes like ten minutes, so I don't know if you can even call it a workout. Well, moving your body. But I am too lazy to do several rounds or something, but this means I don't see or feel any progress. Or maybe a little - pushups have become much easier. But in general there isn't any muscle growth or something.

I got for walks a lot. This year I have passed 10 000 steps every day. But my focus from the I need to walk has shifted and I genuinelt enjoy walking, enjoying the weather and thinking about blog posts etc. It is super nice when I can walk with someone. Last week me and my friend walked from my home to town center, it took us one and a half hours, hehe. :D But it was nice! It was snowing and everything was so clean and bright.

On some days I find myself thinking that I need to move more, but not a lot. And even if I don't reach the 10k steps, I don't really worry about it. On some days I walk more, on some days I walk less. It is normal.

This post is so random. But I don't even care really. I like talking to myself like this. As always, before posting I read it over, fix the typos and see if I have made my point clear. But it is still written on an emotion most of the times. Don't be too critical. Or discuss stuff calmly.

Anyway, yes, I will start some new challenges and I hope there will be more interesting posts coming soon. See you next time!