I have been wanting to do this challenge for a while already. But I have been too scared. What am I talking about? Pasta challenge. But now I have a plan to have pasta every day for five days in a row. To show myself that it is fine, pasta is normal food and I can have it. Also, there are so many options to make pasta!

It has not been enough to have pasta once a month, because yes, I can handle it, but I am still scared. Are there any more things people are scared of? I want to show that no food is scary, both to myself and to others.

Day one

I made this pasta on Friday, but I had some leftovers, so I started this challenge on Sunday. It was pasta with tomato-tofu sauce, carrots, onion and garlic. And I also added some spinach. I always think that when I have pasta the portion size will be tiny, because it has a lot of calories and so on. And whenever I actually make it, I am like... can I really eat that much? :D This illness has really made me think awfully about food.

Of course I need to constantly check from the bag or on Google how big is the dried pasta portion. And I am always surprised to see that it is 75 grams. This seems so much. And when pasta boils, it grows on size, so there is a lot of it.

I really like pasta with carrots. In general when my pasta is boiling, I fry onion, garlic and carrots, then add the sauce. When carrots are almost soft, I add pasta and mix it all up, then I wait for a bit. Lastly I add spinach and mix everything again. I really like spinach or ruccola in pasta, I really think they add some good flavour.

Anyway I really loved this tomato pasta! On Friday I also topped it off with some nutrtitional yeast, but on Sunday I didn't do this. Also I bought pre-made pasta sauce with tofu. They have one with soya as well, but I didn't like that as much. It is still a bit sour so I did add a little bit of sugar to balance taste.

I was quite full, but it didn't mean that I needed to skip lunch or something. I still had all my meals, snacks and dessert. And I topped the evening with a pint of ice cream. Pasta is good.

Day two

I got really excited over pasta shapes and then in addition to fusilli I had at home, I also got penne and farfalle. XD I thought that maybe this is more interesting. Also my fusilli was wholewhat one, but if I am 100% honest, I like regular white pasta more... so I got white penne and farfalle. :D

Today I wanted to make something creamy. I thought about just buying some vegan cream, then I thought about Oatly spread that is with garlic and cucumber, but in the end I picked up Violife cheddar cheese spread.

Firstly I fried up garlic and onion, then added tofu with cumin seeds, paprica and a can of mushrooms. I flavoured it with salt, pepper and basil. Then I added almost 150 grams of Violife spread and mixed it up. It melted completely (but it is made with coconut oil, so I understand) and it wasn't quite as creamy. But when I added pasta on ruccola, everything tasted like cheddar and it was amazing! It actually reminded me of Cheetos cheese balls, haha. :D

In America, mac and cheese is really popular right, and I think it was kind of like it, minus the creamy aspect. For a second I thought about buying vegan cheese too, but I didn't think I could used it all up so I didn't.

Pasta tasted good and I was again surprised at how big the portion was, haha. :D I set aside half of the pasta for the day after, because I want to make something different tomorrow. I already have all the ingredients. I thought that then I can mix it up a bit btter and I don't have to eat the same thing every day. Even though I really wouldn't mind.

I somehow feel that mind mind and body are like... all these years you avoided pasta must now be eaten! Give us pasta, all the pasta, and now!

But at the moment I feel like I will have so much pasta so much more often. :D

I have also become better at handling leftovers and I have been properly full. (Ah, on the second day I also had proper dessert as well.) And when I put half of the pasta away, I don't feel like I need to eat all of it anymore. Even though sometimes I am a bit sad that I have leftovers at home, because I really love cooking and I would like to make somethign different every single day. It is kind of my hobby. But at the same time it is good to have leftovers when I meet someone or something, because then I can have a quick dinner. So yeah, it is 50/50 situation. :D

I really want to make pesto pasta, but in general pesto has cheese, and it doesn't agree with my vegan month. I will try it in the future though, when I find vegan pesto or when January is over. I will try and continu not having animal products, but I would like to try pesto pasta as I have NEVER had it. I have always been too scared. Like sometimes I still think about this gnocchi I had in Romania - it was with pesto, walnuts and parmesan cheese and it was amazing. I would really like to just make gnocchi with green pesto or something. :D Anyway yes, I am planning on doing that.

I am thinking about what to do next week. I think I like 5-day challenges the most. They are nice, don't take too much time and there is always something to write about. When the challenges are longer, I get bored. And when it is only 24 hours, it doesn't even feel like a challenge.

Anyway, I know that pasta is a fear food for many people struggling with an eating disorder. And I wanted to do this challenge to show that it is fine and you can have it every day for a week and nothing bag happens. :D Also, if you think that you don't like pasta, then you should consider this: maybe it is your illness telling you so? And next - what kind of pasta have you had? There are so many different ones. With tomato sauce, cream, spreads, pesto, oil etc. Pasta world is huge. :D

Day three

I had some leftovers from yesterday, but I wanted to keep this for day four and mix it up a bit. So this time I used farfalle (yes, I used all three different pastas I had), vegetavles, onion, garlic and Green Story eggplant-chickpea spread. And some seasonings. And also 100 grams of ruccola, because pasta and ruccola are heavenly together.

This came out quite good, but it was my least favourite out of the three. I don't know, it was just missing something. :D Also it was a huge amount, which was actually fine, as I felt super hungry on that day. Anyway yes, I still had a lot of leftovers and I am planning to have them on Thursday.

I have really discovered that pasta is not as scary as I used to think. It tastes super good. Especially normal white pasta. :D I really told myself I prefer wholewheat one (actually my favourite is buckwheat pasta) and brown rice. But in reality I love white pasta and white rice. :D I don't know, they are much more... filling? And I don't have any issues eating time. I understand you can't have them when you are gluten intolerant, but I don't have this problem and I don't want to self diagnose like some influencers do. Same with lactose. Though I really like some lactose free yoghurts. I generally don't pay attention to this and eat what I crave and what I like.

Related to the pasta challenge I thought about making some more challenges. Next I want to do a rice one, meaning having rice for five days in a row. And then maybe potato challenge. Potatoes are not scary for me, but there are some followes who are scared of them. And I want to show both myself and others that all foods are okay and you can eat everything you want. Then I am thinking about grains in general, and I think I will make one where I have quinoa, couscous, bulgur, buckwheat and lentils? I don't know, seems interesting. :D Also I could try a lot of new recipes!

I also want to make a post about new foods. I looked up some simple recipes for my sister's cookbook yesterday and found a few ones that I really want to test out.

Day four

I haven't yet decided which pasta I will be having today. But at the moment I am glad I have leftovers, because I am thinking about visiting my sister today. And then I can go right into dinner when I get home. Also yesterday I had a pint of ice cream on top of my pasta. Even though I was super full. But there is always room for ice cream.

Also today the Expensive Calories show is on TV again. I will have my dessert and watch this and laugh about it. I will write down some comments as well.

Yesterday I also had my psychologist appintment and I told her about how angry I am over this show. But she said that it is good I can understand how bad it is and that I don't follow what they are promoting. We also talked about my overeating episdes, which I haven't suffered in a few weeks now. On last post I forgot to mention that when I have normal meals and snacks, my energy levels during the day are quite balanced. I don't feel this afternoon crash. Sometimes I do feel sleepy, but it is also normal.

Then I also wanted to mention the topic about... when do you know you are sick and need to seek help. This illness is so sneaky, it will tell you everything. It will tell you that you don't have an ED and you will become happy in a bit. Just a few more kilos and life gets much better. And then you can allow yourself to enjoy food again. But if you get to this point, it will tell you a new thing. Just one more kilo. Then it is nice and round number. And then you can eat even more. Mhmmm, sounds familiar? And then it also LOVES the comments you get. "Oh you look so good", "oh you are so great and take a good care of yourself", "everything fits you", "you don't need to worry about food, you are so lucky". And of course person wants to receive these kind of compliments.

On today's episode of Expensive Calories I was really annoyed at some things they said. About a girl who is mentally struggling with a depression. "with getting thin, happiness is coming to her life". Really? Why don't all people lose weight then and get over their depression? I have been on this path and let me tell you, low weight DOES NOT bring you happiness. Of course you can feel better about yourself, but BEING THIN = HAPPINESS is a stupid connection to make.

Under one of my posts people started to talk about making compliments and I said that I don't like the ones regarding peoples' bodies. Or at least I don't like when people compliment me like this. For example if someone tells me they like my haircut, I am like... I can't change them now, because maybe then they don't like me anymore. But at the same time I am not bothered when they compliment my blue eyes. But I especially hate when people comment my weight. "You have lost some weight, well done" - meaning: I can't gain any. Vs "you have beautiful hands" - I am just happy.

I don't generally make comments about how people look, even though I have told a sales person at the store that I like their tattoo. :D But I think it is fine. In general I prefer compliments about personality. Like tell me I am cool, interesting, friendly, nice, tolerant etc. I don't think I am all of those things (like how am I cool? XD) but these are just some examples.

But yeah, I am not saying I follow my own rules all the time. I compliment people. But now about weight, because I can't stand it. :D But of course, you have to think logically and understand that most people mean well. :D Like, I don't think my coworker wanted to offent me when she asked if I have gained weight. But it was just hella triggeringgggg. Sorry. :D Anyway yes, these are my opinions on this topic. Feel free to share your's!

Day five

I didn't go to visit my sister yesterday, but I am going today. Also, I had this pasta with Violife spread yesterday, and added some fresh cherry tomatoes as I wanted some. It was good. Also had dessert while watching the weight loss show.

The second episode was a bit better. At first I didn't have high hopes, because they had celery juice first thing in the morning, but LUCKILY the host mentioned that you don't need to do this to lose wright. Instead they made smoothies.

But in general I don't like this message from the show. That all sweets and snacks and drinks are bad and you should never have them. Everyhing in moderation is fine. Snacks are just some energy and you use quite a bit of it in your day to day life. :D It is not the end of the world!

Then the host said that you should only eat food when you NEED it, not when you want it. But... if I am already NEEDING food, it means that I am starving. And this brings overeating into the game. It would be better to have smaller meals throughout the day. When you are thinking about food, you shoulg have it. And also - you CAN eat when you just want it. Food has a huge social aspect and I don't know, I don't only have food when I am starving. I never feel hungry during the lunchtime, but I still eat, because I need to. My body needs this energy.

In addition to this all, the vegan girl didn't have any food again? In the morning they made her vegan smoothe, but in the evening they had salad with regular mayo and baked chicken. This was absurd. :D I am not the only one who noticed ths. Someone wrote an article about it, saying that how can't our well known nutrition expert come up with plant based alternatives? Or I don't know, if they gave her something they should have shown it as well. Vegan food is good, trust me, I have been eating vegan for 29 days. And I have never enjoyed my food as much. :D

Today is the last pasta day, which I am kind of sad about to be honest. But at the same time I CAN have pasta tomorrow, if I want to. :D Also I am going to finally visit my sister today, so I am super glad I have some food in the fridge for the evening. With dessert I don't know what exactly I want, but I will go by the store and see what I fancy. Maybe some more ice cream as I am really on the ice cream kick at the moment. Even though I kind of want some cereal... hmm, there are a lot of options. Lately I have been having ice cream a lot and I feel like I need to chenge it up. :D

Yesterday I also made a list about challenges I want to do in February, it was quite fun. A lot of motivation do them, because they will have a lot I can write about and it is interesting to myself. With food challenges it is cool that I can try so many new things. And it is nice to work on the recipe book for my sister - I keep discovering things to try for myself as well.

Conclusion

Yesterday I had this huge portion of pasta and then also a pomelo that was around two kilos. It was difficult to deal with my emotions, as we had a work event and there was a lot of vegan!!!!! food, which I had a lot of. But I thought that whatever, it is not an every day occasion and I can enjoy my time with others. Also it was nice of my boss to provide vegan snacks (hummus, handmade bread, guacamole, fruits, cookies, salad with cauliflower, avocaod and crunchy chickpeas etc).

All in all I felt really full last night. I did go and see my sister's new place and we had some glasses of wine. A lot of guilt, which I haven't had in a while, but today is a new day and I will survive.

What can I say in conclusion?

1. I really like pasta and I will have more of it in the future. I didn't get tired of it, but my fear deffinitely lessened and I have learned a new pathway.

2. I gained exactly 200 grams. :D This means, you don't start gaining crazy amounts of weight if you eat pasta. I had THREE meals and at least THREE snacks every single day. It seems that I need to eat even more.

3. It taught me to have leftovers and meal prep and on some occasions it was really convenient.

4. I am looking forward to new challenges!