I think I am finally at the point where I can really write about this topic. Until now I have left the impression that I am doing well, but my weight remained the same. Now within last couple of months it has steadily gone up and now it is time to make a positive post about it. I don't know, how many positive sides there are, as I haven't read this post through, but I thought that this is something I want to write about. I have some ideas for future posts, but I need to do some work before sharing them. So they need to wait for a bit.

• I have energy to do things.

It is kind of funny how much more energy I have. On Sunday I went to my friend's place for example and I was strong enough to pick up her kid! Also there are no problems with climbing up the stairs. And like, I can ran to catch a bus or a trolbus or a tram. I walk faster. When my sister was moving, I managed to carry things. I didn't get this faint feeling and my hands didn't shake, as it was really common previously.

• I  get annoyed less.

I don't feel as irritated at people. It used to be a big problem in my relationship with my parents. Whenever I went home or they came to Tallinn to visit us, I felt this tension and it usually ended up with me crying a lot. Also, if something happens at work, I get over my emotions faster. It is another thing I really didn't think about before, but have noticed now. Thought about this while coming to work today.

• I feel less anxiety.

It used to be that my hands were shaking every time I cooked dinner and I cut myself a lot. :D Pretty disgusting, I walked around with bandaids covering my hands constantly. Also all the cuts healed soooo slowly, I managed to get ten new cuts before the old ones were okay. They still do heal slow now as well. But yes, my hands aren't shaking as much anymore and it is such a nice feeling. Of course I Googled hands shaking a lot and it was not a good idea. :D

• I remember things better.

And not only work-related stuff. I remember things that people just randomly mention. I don't have to keep saying "oh yeah, you mentioned it" when I have asked something 1000 times. I legit remember stuff. At work as well. Whenerver someone calls and asks what is the situation with their thing, I can instantly answer, because I remember my cases.

• I can focus more.

This month I have read a bit for 7 days now (I mark it down into my habit tracker on my bullet journal) and it is no problem to read for an hour. I did read yesterday night for example. And the day before that. I didn't have this feeling of laziness. It is so surprising! Of course it helps that I am reading a very good book ("Painted man"). Also I can watch short TV shows again and I feel like I am ready for movies soon. :D So please recommend me some fun movies... I want something lighthearted or just exciting, but I don't like sad endings, so keep that in mind. :D

• I have found new hobbies.

For example I have done a lot of scrapbooking and a few days ago I started to sort out pictures to be printed. So I can stick them there. And I listened to some music, I haven't done that in months either. Also my sister moved and is soon going to have a housewarming party. I thought about buying her a cookbook, but there weren't any I liked, so I decided to make one myself. I titled it as "Signe's restaurant cookbook" where I mark down simple dishes that I used to make when we lived together. I will add meat to some of them as well, because she prefers that. Anyway, it is nice to work on it, put stickers into it etc. It is kind of like a hobby. I have also thought about making a bullet journal and selling it. I really like decorating stuff. I will take some pictures of a one I am making, to show you. Maybe someone would like it. :D And of course I would only charge for the material. :D

• I can have takeaway.

Like really, this is such a good feeling. I have been having some takeaway with a friend recently, and I haven't restriced beforehand. As I used to do. And my anxiety over eating out has been replaced by excitement. I can't wait until the next time.

• I look better.

Yep. I said it. I read my old post another day and looked at the pictures there. And it was horrible how I looked. I can't put fingers around my hand any more and my legs have become more muscular. It looks so much nicer! Honestly, my clothes fit better and I can pick stuff in the stores. The smallest size used to be too big on me and I just looked like a skeleton. It was awful to stand in front of a mirror with someone. Also when I went to the gym I thought that the trainer will just tell me to leave, as I looked so unwell. But now things are different.

• I am more objective.

I have quite a lot of friends who are struggling with disordered eating and sometimes write to me about what they had and send pics. And it used to be really triggering for me, I was like... okay, you wat so little, I have already had three proper meals and some cake, I shouldn't have done that. But I have started telling myself that we are on a different paths, we have different bodys, different needs and what others are doing doesn't affect me. I have told the same thing to them. Because people are different. Honestly, even in Tartu I thought that it makes no sense some people didn't gain weight there. Even though we ate the same foods. But now I have understood that it is because... we are different. :D Simple as that. It is the same with running or jumping - people don't run exactly on the same speed or jump on the same height.

• I have less fears.

I am not scared of as many foods anymore. Like really, I remember my alphabed challenge and how it affected me. And how difficult it was. But now I feel like... I don't know, I don't care as much? Like, after eating I don't get as much guilt anymore. I do feel disgusting and awful sometimes, but it is not on the same level as it used to be. :D And it is such a big change!

• I don't have to take a picture of every meal I have.

I do do it quite often still and post on Instagram, but that is because a lot of people have told me it helps them. But it used to be an obsession. I took a picture of every single meal, snack and dessert. And then spammed my sister with them. Even when I had a small cookie or a candy, I still took a picture and sent it to her. Like I wanted to show off that look, I am having a candy, are you proud of me?! I don't need this anymore. Yes, it is good to have someone tell me that I am doing well and I can eat as much as I can, but taking pictures of meals is not an obsession. I used to not have anything without sharing it with someone. Also when there was an event with food, I always remembered everything I had and told to my sister or a friend. It was like... I wanted to say that look, I am eating, is this okay? I needed validation. Now I am allowing myself to have food. I don't need others to give me permission.

• I don't sweat at night as much.

These sweating sessions have almost gone. Within last month I haven't had this phenomenon any more. I can sleep all night normally and I don't wake up all sweaty of freezing. Also I used to work out and not feel hot at all, but now my body seems to function better. And I am not cold all the time anymore either. Sometimes, yes, but not all the time.

I don't know what else to mark down, because there are so many of those small changes that have happened. But yeah, these are the ones that instantly came to mind. I think I have written a similar post before, but now these things are more real and I don't imagine them. :D Now I really FEEL the difference and it is a nice feeling. Yes, I do miss a skinnier me, I am not going to lie. I miss that people looked at me and immediately understood that something was wrong. I miss feeling hunger and emotionless and I miss sleeping 12+ hours. I was so tired all the time. But it was kind of comforting. But life is so much better now. And I am doing better at work. And, I don't know, it is going to sound so cheesy, but I feel like Ia can breathe again. :D

I don't know where this motivation to write this post came now, but I am not complaining.

I promise that next posts are going to be more exciting and interesting and maybe will have more discussion. But yes, this weekend I just enjoyed my rest time, I didn't feel like reading up on things.

Also, yesterday I started a new challenge I am going to write about on Friday. It will be an exciting onw. :D