I Won't Quote

I thought for a long time if I want to write about this topic, but came to the conclusion that why not. At the same time I want to warn you that this post has a lot to do with alcohol consumption, so proceed with caution.

I just wnat to be throughout and honest and write about these... taboo topics as well. Maybe it helps someone, makes them think or something. I don't know. I read one Estonian blog about ED recovery and relapse and I want to be just as honest as the author of this blog.

Alcohol and eating disorders have a strong connection. There is even a term that connects eating disorders with alcohol, called drunkorexia. You can read more about it on here.

Anyway, I wanted to say that simetimes I like to enjoy a glass on wine with my dinner. I admit that at first I skipped a snack to do so, exactly as the symptoms go - you think that you "save" caloreis on food and use them for drinking. But this is not okay, this is not good. It is not healthy to drink on an empty stomach (not that drinking is healthy overall, right) and it damages your body a lot. You will get drunk faster and it affects your organs more. It is the best not to go down on this path.

When I thought that through, I made wine to be an extra, fourth or fifth snack. And this was completely fine until I started gaining weight fast. After that I was back to restricting snacks, although not every single time. It is just... difficult to deal with this situation and find a good solution to it. The right thing to do would be not drink and eat healthily and enough, to get calories from FOOD. That is the whole point. At the moment I have this really difficult time and I need to tell these things to myself over and over again, or I... don't forget them, really, but anorexia thoughts will get the best of me.

I went to see a psychologist on Thursday and I was also weighed. I haven't gained weight now recently, but she was very happy that it had at least remained the same. Compared to previous times, where it constantly has gone down (except for the last time before this visit). This doesn't mean I can have easier time. If anything, it means I need to fight even more, get my weight up and keep at it. But I am so tired. I am so done with having these conversations with me and I don't feel as if there is much progress. I am just so frustrated at myself.

But yeah, during summer, there is more alcohol consumption than normally, I mean there are BBQs and events with family and friends. As I mentioned in the previous post, the work trip was indeed difficult. I have now gotten mostly over it, but right after that the guilt was crushing.

More about alcohol - I have Googled calories so many times. To know how much energy does a glass of wine or a bottle of beer gives. Yes, I have looked up cocktails with less calories and have done a lot of research. My head is full of information I can't seem to delete. But one day I will be back in a position where I can have a glass of cider with my friends and now feel guilty about later. Or have a glass of red wine with my dinner. Without feeling shit.

When I was younger, I had this period where I partied a lot, I don't know how it was possible to feel free during that time. :D I want  to be this free spirited Signe again, who is not bothered by these things. I want to have pizza, enjoy pasta, taste ice cream. I want, I want, I want. I want so many things. Every day I am taking steps towards it, so things are not too shabby to be honest.

In general whenever I see my doctor and have told about my feelings and emotions and my appointment is almost over, she brings out positive things that I should focus on. And this is good. Stuff often seems rough and I feel like a failure, there is a dark cloud over my head, but these thoughts, plans and stuff just give me a breather and it is a ray of sunshine in this dark world.

I don't have as much to write about this topic as I thought at first. Maybe because I am not a big drinker and usually what I have is just one glass of something, but yeah. I just wanted to note it down. I have gotten comments about "you are so brave for drinking wine", but I wanted to say that this has nothing to do with being brave and it is very-very difficult for me.

Now the first day of Tallinn Music Week is over and first concerts have been attended. I am quite... excited to write more about it. So many interesting artists who I have already seen and there is a lot to still come.

I thought that I would mention what I ordered from iHerb last time. I have ordered from there a few times, and been really happy. Most people seem to order food supplements, vitamins and so on, but I have only gotten food related things. :D

As I am now brave enough to add stuff to my porridge, then firstly I picked this peanut butter and cocoa powder. I tried it the next day and it was really good. I even tried a bit dry with my sister and we really liked it. Like, liked it a lot. My preferred method of having this product is in porridge, but I can imagine that it would also be good when added to yoghurt or something. Or milk. :D It would be peanut buttery hot chocolate and it sounds perfect.

Next I also got regular peanut butter powder. I also have this in my porridge or when I make a sauce out of this, soy sauce and garlic. This is genius combination and I can't wait to make a bowl with it, as I mentioned in my previous post. I also wanted to add that the taste is quite mild, so I add more than the recommended serving size.

Thirdly, and for the last thing this time, I ordered almond butter powder. This didn't have as many good reviews than the other things, but I wanted to try it out. Today morning I made porridge with marzipan flavour drops and this powder and I think it was genius. You also should use a lot more than recommended, because this is even milder tasting.

Once earlier I also got vanilla peanut butter powder, which I highly recommend. Again, really good when added to porridge. :D Anyway. I hope that at one point I will get to adding real peanut butter, but this is enough for now. I mean, even adding this is sometimes really difficult. But I am on my way to getting better! And I promise I will get to real cruncy peanut butter soon.

The other thing that I am too scared of adding, but really want to, is shredded coconut. I didn't have a problem with those for a long time, until I accidentally saw the calories it has. Within a day this was out of my diet. But now I got some frozen mango cubes and what would be a better tropical combo than mango, porridge and coconut?! I also have coconut flavour drops, but it is not it! Everyone who love coconut will probably agree.

Yesterday I went to the store and did get some coconut flakes. So next week I shall try and add them. I think I will manage, even though it will probably be difficult. Sometimes I get the thought that damn, it is nothing, this is just food, just a minor add-in, but the next moment I am like NOPE.

There are a lot more things in iHerb that I would like to try. For example there are many teas, coffees and seasonings that sound really interesting. I also got some pumpkin spice from there once, until I mixed my own later. It was convenient to order it, but making it yourself is much cheaper. I should bring out autumn spices for my porridges. :D Also I want to take pictures of my breakfasts to show how amazing they can be. :D Although they are not really picture-worthy sometimes. Also one thing I have been wanting to try but haven't yet, is rice porridge with matcha. My friend sent me some matcha and I also have some matcha latte sticks and I have used it in the porridge and I really liked it.

Anyways... everything is not positive. So I will write about my panic now.

We have this 2 day work thing, now this week. And until now it was okay, though I was a little stressed. I mean, I can't control what I am eating or drinking and so on. And then the panic came. It was completely random when my hands and LEGS started to shake and I couldn't breathe normally suddenly.

I was in the store at this time and it did not make the situation any more bearable. Yeah, I completely broke down. And I THINK it was all connected to food. The situation ended with me calling my sister and crying, unable to think or do anything. I don't understand what triggered this panic though - everything was okay and then suddenly this panic attack.

I haven't felt panic in a long time. Or emotions in general. Last time I saw my doctor it was actually nice to cry, but after it or before it I hadn't even really cried. I didn't feel sadness, anxiety, panic or anything. I just felt... numb. I mean, I felt guilty about eating sometimes, but it wasn't this physical thing, reaction. It was a mental fight inside my head. So this panic today came as a huge surprise.

But there was something nice that happened as well. I was at my friend's place and we were just sitting, watching TikToks, because sometimes we send them to each other, but there are some we hadn't shared. And I laughed!

Maybe it sounds weird to you, but for me... I laughed! I mean, I do laugh at jokes and make a good face, but there isn't this physical reaction of wanting to laugh. It is just this "polite laughter", when everyone around me laugh. But at that point I really felt that I WANTED to laugh. I needed to. Because the thing was generally funny. This kind of like tickles me. :D I know it sounds strange and you probably don't understand, but this was shocking to me. I thought about it all day and felt nice and warm inside. :D

I want to really tell my eating disorder that it has been paused again. I want to not worry over the work trip. Or not to worry about eating there, at least. I want to be in the moment, take in what I want, drink what I feel like and not think about the calories or how much others eat.

But there has been a bit of a relapse going on. I have so much more GUILT, it is really difficult to deal with it. I haven't felt this "I don't care" for a while and everything... has become so complicated. I feel like I am back at the beginning. I haven't skipped meals or snacks, but they have become smaller, snacks have been halved and so on. Now for a few days I have been really good again and back at the food and snack game, but the mental fight is harder amd I am unable to catch my breath. Even when thinking about something else, the next moment I am back to square one with the guilt and I feel really hysterical.

It is difficult like this. I knew that these low points were coming, it can't all be smooth sailing. The healing doesn't happen overnight. It is not like you wake up in the morning ang you are well. I just didn't expect this... being so sudden.

Now it is Monday morning and I am feeling a bit calmer. At least I don't have this physical panic any more. I rememeber last year during summer I felt this panic so much, it was like 3-4 days of panic attack in a row. At least I am not in that position right now anymore.

But yes. I wanted to share that everything is now good and sometimes I am not motivated and I have a lot of negative thoughts. I think this outing will be fine and I am not really worried anymore, I only hate this guilt I know that is coming after it. This after-guilt is a lot stronger and more annoying. But I don't know, I guess I just need to think that I will get back to my of rhythm and everything will go well. I will try to focus on something else and see what happens.

Have you ever ordered from iHerb? Is there anything interesting that caught your eye?

Me and my sister went out for dinner and we picked a cafe, which was 100% vegan and what I have been wanting to visit for forever, as I have heard so many good things about it.

Atmosphere

Commune Cafe atmosphere and interior are amazing. It was really nice, a bit hipster, but not too much. Kind of minimalistic. I really liked that they have a lot of plants and a lot of room, tables are not too close together. I really liked they used a lot of wood and even dishes matched with the environment.

At the cafe it wasn't too cold or too warm, even though the door was open and we could hear some cars. It did not bother us, though, we barely noticed it and in general the place was really comfy. The location is good as well, and it was nice to see that even on Monday evening the place was quite full. At the same time there weren't too many people so we still managed to get a table. I really don't like to book a table in advance, because I am never sure if I make it in time. Maybe something comes up. I really like to just walk in and get a seat.

Service

Service... was not too good. I honestly felt like an annoying fly and seemed to ruin the waitress' mood. :D We still got our food quite fast and it looked absolutely delicious. Also the cakes they had on offer looked fantastic. I think that maybe the waitress just had a bad day. I have worked in a restaurant myself and I know how it can be. Anyway, I can't tell more about the service.

The owner of the cafe contacted me, though, and I told her about our visit. It was really sweet and I really appreciate it. :) And as I said, I am not holding it against them and I am sure I will visit the place again in the near future.

Food

Me and my sister both got Buddga bowl, which had roasted sesame seed covered smoked tofu, quinoa, peanut butter-lime sauce, edamame beans, avocado, broccoli, sugar snap beas, salad, and roasted cashews.

And it was really good! REALLY good. Everything fit together so well! At first I thought that there was too much sauce and I will probably leave some, but it was amazing and if anything, there was too little of it. And I hadn't had smoked tofu before and it was super delicious!

There were some more things in the menu that I would like to try. For example English breakfast that has beyond meat sausage and I have been wanting to try this for ages. Ramen also seemed so good. So at least two more visits. :D

In general going out to eat caused me a lot of stress, because on the weekend we already went to eat in Little India and I in general had had a lot of food. My last post here was really motivating and so on, but on the same evening the situation got really hard. I had a lot of food guilt and it was difficult to handle my thoughts. It is still difficult right now - I have so much guilt and my motivation is completely gone. I want to go back to where I was...

It calmed me a bit that my sister had the same food as I did. Of course it would have been good to try different  things, as we could have tasted each other's. But this was good as well. In addition to this, we had some vegan ice creams at home and when my sister suggested it, she told me that she could see how it made me upset. Because it was hard, very hard. But in general this was good time and I really like going out for food. We thought that we could visit a new place like this every month. To break me free from the routine and challenge me. But at the same time I want to go back to the same place, as there were many things I would still like to try... But there are a lot of other places I want to visit as well. She wanted to pick a place herself next time, though. :D I don't really have anything against it - giving away control even more.

Also, we thought that we can make something similar at home. I guess it wouldn't be as good, but it was a good insporation. We usually make these kind of bowl dishes with salsa or soy sauce and mayo (for some weird reason this is such a good combo!), but why not use peanutbutter? We really like it with savoury food, for example I have made a sauce of it for spring rolls and my sister still sometimes talks about it. :D

Haven't made any bowl dishes recently, but for some time it was our favourite meal. Just to mix things together in a bowl. Our most favourite one was susho bowl, where all the ingredients are just mixed together. Who has the patience to roll it, am I right? :D

Now I have been making a lot of zucchini dishes, and there will be a lot more soon, because we still have two small ones and one giant one left.

Firstly I made zucchini and tomato bake with onion, which came out amazing. In the recipe it also says you can top it with cheese, which I did. But I would say that it didn't make it much better, so the vegan version is good as well. (Just slice some tomatoes, onion and zucchini, put them in the baking dish, brush some oil on top and add pepper and salt and other flavourings. Bake for 25 minutes in 200 degrees.) With it, I made some fresh tomato-sour cream salad and yum, it was really good!

I added a lot of parsley as well, that is why it looks so green. :D But yeah, we really liked it! 

The next evening we had a really weird combo of food, as I made grilled cheese and oven baked zucchini. I marinated the zucchini in soy sauce, apple cider vinegar, olive oil, garlic and pepper mix for around an hour. Then I roasted it in 225 degrees for about 20-25 minutes. And ready it was. We really liked it once again! And I would say that the more garlic it has, the better. :D

And lastly I made this zucchini stew, and I was lazy and just added onion, garlic and tomato sauce with peppers and mushrooms. It was so good. I used my trusty multi cooker which I have not used in a while. And for the first time I set my own program, meaning I put it on 200 degrees and let it cook for 35 minutes.

Multi cooker is a nice thing. :D On the side I had some more salad, because we have a lot of tomatoes we need to use up. :D

Anyway, there are many more things I want to try. For example oven omelette with zucchini, zucchini curry, and of course pasta and so on. Well, I'll get around to it. It seems that the zucchinis stay fresh for quite some time, so there is time. And also I want to make zucchini burgers someone mentioned in my blog comments... :)

If I only could get over my weird guilt. I just don't understand, it is so overwhelming. For example yesterday I had a lot of guilt over gooseberries. Like, for real. I hope that this is not a start of a relapse, because I am fighting so hard. But the fact I felt better for some time made me feel so nice so now it is extra difficult. I thought that the high was going to last a bit longer.

I am a little stressed about my work trip. I mean, I will not have any control over food and drinks and so on. I keep thinking that I want this to be over already... I want routine. It is weird. Sometimes I think that I want to do many things and go to many places, but at the same time I want my calm routine. I like when I get to go home after work and having not to do anything. I am all the time so fucking tired. Maybe it is because of it. I really look forward to "my time" when I get home and get to sit online or read a book or something. Even on Friday or Saturday evenings, I just want to go home instead of going out. I just don't have anough strength/or even want to do anything. Sometimes I am embarrassed to say this. I don't want to offend anyone. But... it is what it is. I can't help it. And then there is my mum. She is always like "go somewhere, do something". And then when she asks that "weren't you supposed to go there" and I say that yeah, I thought about it, but didn't want to, she replies with "ohhh no", "you should have" and so on. :D And it causes some axtra guilt. As if I didn't have enough of it. :D

I mean I get it that it is nice to go to places and do things, but I don't want to do it all the time. Especially right now. I have a lot I need to deal with, I need to fight this disorder and I just use all of my energy on it. And if I went somewhere or met up with someone, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the moment, because my mind has a lot of other stuff to deal with. And then I feel that I would rather be at home and fight my fights, instead of making others feel miserable. I don't know, it makes a lot of sence in my head. I understand that I can't do this for forever and I should meet people, but I DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH. I don't know how some people do something every single day. I mean, I can do it, if I force myself. But on some occasions I just want to be by myself. :D

I don't know where all this came from, but I just really wanted to get these thoughts out.

Weekend was... a challenge. I'll get to that.

Weekend... made no sense. I really didn't expect anything like this. Like seriously: we found a turtle from our garden. (It also made the news!)

This was a moment where you were thinking if you are dreaming or not. I was at home and about to put apple cake/pie in the oven and I was supposed to go outside to pick some apples. The next moment my mum bangs on the kitchen window and waves her hand. I am like, okay, what is going on and look outside. She points at the apple tree. And there I can see... maybe a hedgehog? But it is big? The next moment I realise it is a TURTLE. We grabbed our phones (me, my sister and dad) and ran outside.

A big turtle just ate an apple. Like really got into it. At first we thought that we shouldn't go too near, because it may be scared of us. But the little guy ran to my dad (who used to have a turtle when he was small!). The turtle was quite fast, but in sunny and warm days thet are really active. Anyway, we picked it up (actually just moved it a little, so it wouldn't escape) and asked neighbours and people living nearby if they have lost their pet. No one knew where it came from.

I googled what to do in this kind of situation and there was an article saying that you should contact your local shelter. It was Saturday of course and they only acted in rare cases. But they did call me back after I left a message, saying that "you have a surprise guest, can we come and pick it up". :D They picked it up quite fast. I really hope that thanks to my Facebook post and article on the news it will get home soon. :D

The challenge was making apple pie. As I mentione in my last post, I decided to make curd cream and apple pie.

I should have used a bigger pan, because it was too small for this. :D At first it didn't seem like it was, but well. It tasted amazing, though. The recipes from this one site never fail. I am also going to make another dish from their page tomorrow, so I will probably post about that too.

Anyway, I had two pieces with ice cream on the first day (I paused my eating disorder again).

Even my dad, who doesn't really like cakes, had several pieces. So everyone really liked it. I sent the recipe to my mum as well, because she really loved it. Anyway, I have come to realise that baking is awesome. We brought a lot of apples from Viljandi and I already thought that if we can't eat them all, I will bake again. I am not a fan of Estonia's traditional apple pie, because I have had it so much, but there are loads of cool recipes online.

Anyway yes, this was quite hard. I have gained 1,2 kgs during this weekend. I know that it won't all stick with me, but still... it is difficult. But at the same time I weighed myself today morning and discovered this and my reaction was... okay then. OKAY THEN? WHO AM I? I don't recognize myself!

When parents brought us to Tallinn, we went to have some food at Little India. I picked vegetable thali and it was amazing. Hadn't been to Little India in a while, so it was super nice. But still, I don't know. How is it possible that I didn't care about my weight in the morning? What is going on? I made porridge and added cherries and cocoa and I didn't even feel like I needed to restrict at all, which was new. This makes no sense. Yesterday evening I did think that tomorrow I will do this and that and skip a meal and make a lighter breakfast and so on, but then the time comes, I weigh myself and I just don't care? Like, what the heck. :D I don't understand. Is this how normal people feel? Is this how normal people act?!

What can I say. This is funny.

I explained to my friend the other day that I am done. I am done with this illness. I have had these kind of moments before as well, but it hit me extra hard on this day. I am so done. I felt so motivated and told her a lot about my thoughts and I thought I will write down some things here as well.

I have been talking about my eating disorder forever and forever and I am finally too tired of it. I don't want to keep repeating how difficult it is and how many guilty feelings I have and how hard it is to eat and getting out of my routine and soooooo on. Yes, it is very difficult. I know I am at the very beginning of this journey, because well, I am. I haven't been able to break through myself. Maybe it would have been different if I stayed at the hospital for longer. Maybe I would have gotten better sooner. Maybe I would be a success story already and tell all the positive things. Maybe.

My weight has gone up compared to yesterday, and now a few hundred grams, but a whole half oa kilo. And this number scared me at first and I got these thoughts of needing to restrict again and so on. And then I was like, why. I should be happy that this has happened. I am so done with worrying over this number. I am so done. What does this number actually show? Like, I don't know. And now it is another day and the number has been the same, meaning I have really gained weight. Okay, it is bothering me, but I can't be without weighing myself either. But at least now I feel like I can handle the bigger number. I have also discovered recently that my brain is functioning better, my thoughts are not all over the place and I can focus better. At work people have told me that I seem to be more alive and happer and some of my cases have gotten positive feedback from the boss. This overweights the number on the scale. I feel more energetic.

At the same time sometimes, like yesterday, I am so tired. Somehow it seems that the more I eat, the more tired I am. I don't know if it makes sense. Maybe it is that my body is finally working on healing itself and for that it needs rest. I have heard about this from other ill people. That before things get better, there is a period of being tired and you just need to push through. I guess it may be true.

The same friend I talked to, gave me a good read here and there are some things that made me think. It is a story about someone dealing with an eating disorder and it has been devided into chapters by questions. It is a good read, if you want to know more about eating disorders.

Anyway, what works for me is that if I eat properly one day, then it is easier to do the same on the next. If I eat less, then I immediately have this "but yesterday I ate less, meaning I should eat even less today". Weird, but it has been coded into my brain so heavily.

What else... I have thought that maybe I would like to learn nutrition. Be useful, help others. But what kind of food coach would I be if I looked like this? Who would trust me? I need to look normal for people to have anu faith in me.

I want to be inspiring, couraging, successful. I want to show that getting better is possible and it can be done on your own and that things will get better as a result. I want... to share my success story. I have discussed this with many of my friends - there is no point in blogging, if nothing changes.

So yes, I hope my weight won't drop back down. And it didn't, at least not for now! This gain was bigger than I expected, but it is better to go through it right now, instead of dropping a few hundred grams and then feel better and then feel shitty again after another gain. If there is wight gain to happen, it should happen right away. I am tired of just being, stressing out, feeling guilty and soooo on. So I still had big breakfast, I picked some chocolates to take with me to work and I just think: whatever. I will live on. And if I really don't like myself as a bigger person or when I get really angry at myself or, I don't know, I get fat, I can lose some weight again. :D I have shown that I can do this. But at the same time I think losing weight would be really difficult, because I really like my snacks and meals. :D I couldn't give up rice crackers, chocolates, yoghurts, kohuke again... So I think I will keep this up. This is a good habit.

Now I am going to my parents' place for the weekend and I try to pause my eating disorder once more. I told it that well, until the end of the month I don't want to deal with you. And if you want toe be more present, then at least not until 27th when I have the next doctor's appointment. I am kind of excited to show them my progress! Finally they will believe that I can handle it and that I am taking steps towards recovery.

Made some bread to take with me. It kind of exploded a little. I used more liquid dough this time and it seems that the result is a lot better. If I taste it, I can say more, but it seems softer and fluffier.

I also decided I will bake a cake at my parents'. I picked one curd cream-apple cake. My mum said that apples are starting to be ripe and this seems like a great idea. Also, I want to bake more. Me and sister don't eat that much baked goods, but I want to try and make a lot of different things! I can bake for work at least. :D I don't think there is a person who wouldn't like some cake.

Got a lot of vegetables from my sister's friend - tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchinis, bell peppers. These zucchinis are HUGE, but I am already excited to cook with them. I looked up so many cool recipes to try. Next week I want to make zucchini-mushrooms stew, salad, zucchini burgers, zucchini-tomato bake, grilled and baked zucchini... :D I have a lot of ideas. So at one point I will post some recipes I think, it I wrote this down for future blog post ideas.

How is it going with walking? Very well. Sometimes I get these thoughts that I should walk more, especially when I don't have anything to do, but I have been stopping myself. I have used more public transport and tried not to feel guilty over it. And honestly, if you start moving less, it becomes easier. Like the first time I walked 10 000 steps instead of 20 000 I felt really shitty, but it has become easier now. And so on. And now for some days I have walked less than 10k. And I am so done with stressing over it.

Walking is nice, I really like to listen to a podcast and then walk somewhere, but I can do this when I, for example, design my bullet journal or something. I don't know, I am not really into listening to music these days (unless I drink some wine at home :D). I also did apply to be press at Tallinn Music Week though, I was a press a few years ago and it was really cool experience!

I also thought about shopping a lot and what I have discovered. I have this... general panic that I will run out of things. Even if I have a lot of something, for example mayo or ketchup or fresh veggies, I still think that I need to buy more, stock up... this is so weird. But at the same time it makes sense as my brain is in survival mode, it gets only little food and it keeps thinking that I need to make sure there is enough of everything. And then I buy like a kilo of tomatoes and they just sit in my fridge. :D Of course it is nice to have enough things, but it sometimes annoys me. For example when I plan foods for an entire week, because if I don't I am really stressed. And the next days, even when I have evetything, I STILL go to the store and stock up on something. That is why I have a lot of stock and snacks - chocolates, waffers, peanuts, chips and so on. I just buy everything, even though I don't use the tings fast. I want to break free from it.

I really like going to food stores in general. It is nice and it is cool to discover new things and enjoy food and I love that I like cooking, but yes. I think it is a bit too obsessive.

Anyway, I will definitely make a post about zucchini foods. And there are some other topics I want to write about. I have some ideas, I just need to fulfil them.

On Monday me and my sister will go to this 100% vegan cafe, which I have been wanting to visit for a while now. Exciting. The only thing is that I can't decide on what I want to have, there are so many options but at the same time they seem so calorific. :D 

Anyway, yes. This is a completely pointless, emotional post.

Yep. I told my eating disorder that okay, now when I am going to Viljandi until I will be back in Tallinn, you are paused and then we will see how we will continue. Then we will restrict again and will get back to where we were. 

I don't know about you, but when I go to visit my parents or we go somewhere, all eating, snacking and overeating is really easy to go down. I don't understand people who say they lose weight during a holiday. In group, people are keeping their eyes on my very carefully and I am being monitored, it is impossible to skip meals or have something different. Food is being prepared and you need to have it, even if you don't want to. There is no possibility to make your own choices. So the only way to deal with it is to pause your eating disorder.

Now that I am back in Tallinn, it is still paused - until my vacation is over. (It is over now, I am just late to translating this post, sorry about that.)

How has it been? It has not been paused 100%. I may have a chat with my disorder, but it is so difficult. Everything is still fucking difficult. My weight has gone up by a kilo during my vacation and it is fucking with my mind. And during the vacation as well, I had many tears-filled days and I had such overhwelming guilt... so I can't say it was fully paused. But I tried to make it be. What I also did was not talking about food. My mum even complimented me, saying that I didn't make a huge deal out of eating and I managed quite well. Doesn't matter that I cried when I was alone...

Anyway, yeah. 

First food related stop for us was at Muhu, where I wanted to go to this handmade ice cream shop. By company LaMuu.

My mum and sister had an ice cream in a waffle cone, but it is difficult to eat something like this with braces (I need to remove the elastics for it and I didn't have anywhere to put them), so I picked just three flavours in a cup. I tried black ice cream, which was flavoured as white chocolate, beer flavoured ice cream and fake Nutella (vegan) ice cream. I really liked them all and others agreed that the fake Nutella one was the best. :D

I got a lot of guilty feelings from it. Not at first, but later. After that we went to adventure park, Kaali crater and hotel and then my mum and sister started to say that they are hungry, even though we just were supposed to visit Sõrve lighthouse and then go and have dinner. And at home in the morning we ate a lot and then the ice cream was a lot too. Still, we went to the store and...

This was the most difficult thing during our trip. They had some sandwiches, which I have also liked to have, but everything was with meat. And they did not allow me to skip this meal. This was the moment where we had a little fight and I was really disappointed they didn't respect my decision. I couldn't even enjoy the pancakes, as I was too upset.

For dinner we went to Saaremaa Veski. I picked vegan thing from the menu, which was chickpea burgers with sweet potato fries. And I tried one craft beer. The food was amazing and my sister and mum also enjoyed what they had picked.

It was a huge portion and I was really full, but I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter and at the hospital we ate even more. I was extra good and had some bread and butter on the side as well.

After that we went to the hotel and had different snacks, rye bread crisps, pistachios, chips and dip and drank wine. During having these things it is not difficult, but it is so later, especially the next day when I get waves of guilt. I didn't express it in words, I just sent my sister some messages about feeling bad and awful and uncomfortable an guilty.

The next morning we had breakfast buffee, which again meant having so much food. And then we had some snack, but main meal we had at Hiiumaa, in Rannapaargu restaurant.

I would have really liked to have grilled salmon, but they had ran out of it. Vegan selection waas burger with sweet potato fries and chickpea patty, and I didn't want to have the same stuff again. So I picked some fish cutlets with fresh potatoes and mayo sauce and salad. I really liked it. I didn't have too many guilty feelings at that point, and I was quite hungry. My mum and sister were again happy with their selection as well. All in all I would say I liked Saaremaa Veski more, but this was not bad.

After that we looked around for a bit to see if there was a cafe or something nearby, but we didn't have time to go in the end.

Instead we had coffee and cake on the ferry...

Pickng the cake was really difficult and I think I would have liked something else, but as others had this, I felt that it is allowed for me as well. Even though I could have had anything, really... I don't know. Anyway, this cake was not the best thing I have ever had. It was too sweet and not sweet enough at the same time and it was in general kind of weird. If I had picked this cake when others had something different though, it would have been even more difficult. And in reality I have been thinking that I want to have chocolate cake... I don't knowwww. It would have been better if we had been in an actual cafe.

At home in Viljandi we grilled some sausages and I got vegan sausages. These are really good. My dad had one and he also said that he couldn't tell it wasn't meat.

Grilling it added an extra smiky flavour and it was amazing. Even though making it in the oven works well too. Anyway, it was nice to sit outside, drink some wine or beer and just chat. This is my favourite part of barbeque.

Now that I am eating mushrooms, mum made fresh potatoes with chatarelles. This was so good. I had two full plates...

But now I am back in Tallinn and my rhythm has gone back to normal for me. I missed it so much. To have some sort of plan for the days.

At the same time I really managed to break free from having 3 meals and 3-4 snacks. It went better than I expected. But still, it was difficult... and gaining weight after the vacation. Gah. Mentally it has been exhausting. And my "eating disorder is paused" doesn't really help any more, I guess the week free from it was an absolute stretch.

But I was good and on the first full day in Tallinn I still made some proper breakfast porridge. I brought a lot of gooseberries from home, and also some blackcurrants. I really enjoy my breakfasts and they are on next level thanks to fresh berries.

With cocoa and blackcurrants. And today morning I made the same with vanilla peanut butter. And my porridge servings are also bigger than they used to be. This is also progress.

I have a new deal with my friend as well. I said that I can't gain so much weight so fast, as our current plan had me do. I just find it mentally too hard. So now my goal is to gain a kilo in two weeks, when he still continues with losing 2 to 2,5 kilos in two weeks.

But all in all, I have been doing well. Now today it is Monday and I should start a new challenge, but I just can't come up with any. :D But I feel like I need to, because that is the essence of my blog. I will try and come up with something.

I have tried some new vegan products, but I am not going to talk about them in this post.

Anyway, I am glad that this stressful part of the vacation is over. But I am also feeling sad. I discovered that I didn't think about food all the time and some moments, for example having meals at the restaurant with others, were kind of easy. And also... gaining one kilo per week was not the worst thing that could have happened. Besides I had a goal, agreement, to do that... and on the sixth I went to see my doctor so now I could finally show them some results. I have always just sat in their office, repeating "next time, next time"...

Also I wanted to write about one more thing. I need a new job. And I would like to do something to express myself, but I have a feeling there is NO SUCH JOB. And I don't know what else I would like to do. I am so lost. Does anyone else ever feel lke this? How to get out of this funk? Argh.

But well. Now I have written down everything about these guilty feelings and foods. And now some days have passed and I am feeling better. At least for now. And I need to be in "now!. What is the point of stressing over the past or future? You cannot change the past and you don't know what is to come.

NB! This post has a lot of pictures. If this is triggering to you in any way, I recommend skipping reading this!!!!!

As I have a vacation from work, my mum and sister decided to go on a little road trip as we do every year. Last year we went to Ida-Virumaa and Narva, this year we went to some islands. I thought I would blog about it, so it would be nice to look back to it. I will make a separate post about foods and eating and describing how I felt regarding it, but here I wanted to write a little about this trip. Maybe someone finds some good recommendations about what to do. :D A lot of my friends have been on islands or are going soon, Instagram stories are full of these posts. :D

Anyway, on Tuesday morning we went to port and firstly went to Muhu. Our first stop was ostrich farm, which I really recommend checking out. It had a lot of exotic animals, but ostriches were the coolest. :D Anyway, there were also zebras, kangaroos, emus, alpacas and some ponies and one rabbit.

When we were petting alpacas, there was a funny moment. Some people were there with a little dog and an alpaca really wanted to look at the dog. :D And I was posing all nicely, but covered his view. And then hi BIT MY SHOULDER. :D This was absurd and funny and startling, my mum even got a picture at the right moment. :D 

Our next stop was at handmade ice cream shop where we tried a lot of different flavours. And then we went to Muhu adventure park!

At first we had thought that we will buy tickets for the whole park, but once we were there, we decided to go on only half the tracks. And it was a good decision, as it took us around 3 hours to complete them. I randomly saw a friend there, who also took some pictures. Nice to look back at them. Anyway, even to my own surprise, I had more strength and energy than I expeced and I completed the tracks quite fast. I think this is one of my favourite adventure parks where I have been. It wasn't too difficult and everything worked well. :D

After that we drove to Saaremaa and... I don't een remember, I think we went to the hotel and did a check in. Aaaah, before that we stopped at Kaali crater. It was a bit disappointing when I was there last summer, I kind of expected something... bigger. But it was just a little pond. :D But it was nice to see my sister's reaction who really liked it there.

After the stop at the hotel, we continued to Sõrve, to see a lighthouse there and walk to the end by the seaside. It was really windy, but it was also truly beautiful. I would totally go there again if I had a chance. One of my favourite places in Saaremaa, definitely.

Then we went back to Kuressaare and got ready to go and eat out. And after this we walked around for a little, just looked at houses and then finally went back to the hotel. We were awake for some time, just planned out the next day and talked. Then we went to sleep and the next day started.

There was a ferry we had to take to Hiiumaa at 13:30, but before that we wanted to visit the castle. It appeared that there was old information on their homepage and we couldn't go inside until 11. We decided to skip this and just looked around. But there was some time left so instead on the way to the port we stopped at windmill mountain where there were tons of windmills. This was quite fun.

I would have loved to see Panga bank, but we didn't have time for it. Another reason to go back...

Anyway, then we got on a ferry to Hiiumaa.

First stop was Kõpu lighthouse, which was really scary. :D It was super windy as well. :D But I really liked it. I like high places a lot. This is why I always take people to TV tower when they visit me in Tallinn.

Our next stop was wooden copy of Eiffel tower. It was... an experience. The tower was so flimsy that we were too scared to climb to the top. And around it, oh boy. It was a mess. So many things, so many little houses, so many things to fo. It kind of felt as if we had stepped into some surreal world. I can't even describe it, it made no sense. :D But at the same time it was cool, something really different.

After this surreal stop we went to see Tahkuna lighthouse, where there was also memorial for children who died in Estonia cruise ship accident. It was super sad, but really beautiful. This is how every memorial should be!

It was really windy, but it wasn't raining at least, as the forecast had said.

Our last stop in Hiiumaa was Kaibald's desert, which I really wanted to see. My friend told me about this, and I think it was totally worth it. We walked through a forest and then ended up in real desert! It was so different and weird and made no sense again. But really cool! I would have loved to walk around there for a little longer, but we didn't have much time left.

After these small stops we went to have some dinner and then it was time to get on a ferry back to mainland. At first we felt that there was not much to do on the islands, but we realised that we could have used one more day there. We went to main tourist attractions, but there were a lot of small places we missed. And we have been thinking that it would be nice to go again. :D

So this is very different post to my regular ones, but I wanted to write it down. At the same time I didn't want to talk much about eating, because oh boy, there will be a whole post about it. But for a second I wanted to mention how crookedly I see myself. This is fucked up.

At home and later looking at the picture I was like, ew, it is disgusting. At the same time when I don't see myself, I still feel like I am 75 kgs like I used to be on my heaviest days. My mind just doesn't connect my current look with what it actually is. I just... don't understand. So in some way it is good when I get my picture taken, but at the same time I don't even want to post these pictures. Because they are awful.

I thought for a long time if I should post the pictures, but I don't want to hide anythig and I want to remind to myself that I am on my way to recovery and one of the steps is gaining weight. I shouldn't feel stressed about it, because every kilo makes me prettier.

Now in Viljandi I haven't had a chance to weigh myself, but I will most definitely do it once I am back in Tallinn. My deal with the friend is coming to close and I hope I have managed to succeed. It would be so nice. We are going to meet with some friends on Saturday and we can talk about how we are doing really. Then we need to also make a new deadline to continue with the agreement. 

Anyway, yeah, that's it for now.