I thought for a long time if I want to write about this topic, but came to the conclusion that why not. At the same time I want to warn you that this post has a lot to do with alcohol consumption, so proceed with caution.

I just wnat to be throughout and honest and write about these... taboo topics as well. Maybe it helps someone, makes them think or something. I don't know. I read one Estonian blog about ED recovery and relapse and I want to be just as honest as the author of this blog.

Alcohol and eating disorders have a strong connection. There is even a term that connects eating disorders with alcohol, called drunkorexia. You can read more about it on here.

Anyway, I wanted to say that simetimes I like to enjoy a glass on wine with my dinner. I admit that at first I skipped a snack to do so, exactly as the symptoms go - you think that you "save" caloreis on food and use them for drinking. But this is not okay, this is not good. It is not healthy to drink on an empty stomach (not that drinking is healthy overall, right) and it damages your body a lot. You will get drunk faster and it affects your organs more. It is the best not to go down on this path.

When I thought that through, I made wine to be an extra, fourth or fifth snack. And this was completely fine until I started gaining weight fast. After that I was back to restricting snacks, although not every single time. It is just... difficult to deal with this situation and find a good solution to it. The right thing to do would be not drink and eat healthily and enough, to get calories from FOOD. That is the whole point. At the moment I have this really difficult time and I need to tell these things to myself over and over again, or I... don't forget them, really, but anorexia thoughts will get the best of me.

I went to see a psychologist on Thursday and I was also weighed. I haven't gained weight now recently, but she was very happy that it had at least remained the same. Compared to previous times, where it constantly has gone down (except for the last time before this visit). This doesn't mean I can have easier time. If anything, it means I need to fight even more, get my weight up and keep at it. But I am so tired. I am so done with having these conversations with me and I don't feel as if there is much progress. I am just so frustrated at myself.

But yeah, during summer, there is more alcohol consumption than normally, I mean there are BBQs and events with family and friends. As I mentioned in the previous post, the work trip was indeed difficult. I have now gotten mostly over it, but right after that the guilt was crushing.

More about alcohol - I have Googled calories so many times. To know how much energy does a glass of wine or a bottle of beer gives. Yes, I have looked up cocktails with less calories and have done a lot of research. My head is full of information I can't seem to delete. But one day I will be back in a position where I can have a glass of cider with my friends and now feel guilty about later. Or have a glass of red wine with my dinner. Without feeling shit.

When I was younger, I had this period where I partied a lot, I don't know how it was possible to feel free during that time. :D I want  to be this free spirited Signe again, who is not bothered by these things. I want to have pizza, enjoy pasta, taste ice cream. I want, I want, I want. I want so many things. Every day I am taking steps towards it, so things are not too shabby to be honest.

In general whenever I see my doctor and have told about my feelings and emotions and my appointment is almost over, she brings out positive things that I should focus on. And this is good. Stuff often seems rough and I feel like a failure, there is a dark cloud over my head, but these thoughts, plans and stuff just give me a breather and it is a ray of sunshine in this dark world.

I don't have as much to write about this topic as I thought at first. Maybe because I am not a big drinker and usually what I have is just one glass of something, but yeah. I just wanted to note it down. I have gotten comments about "you are so brave for drinking wine", but I wanted to say that this has nothing to do with being brave and it is very-very difficult for me.

Now the first day of Tallinn Music Week is over and first concerts have been attended. I am quite... excited to write more about it. So many interesting artists who I have already seen and there is a lot to still come.