Yep. I told my eating disorder that okay, now when I am going to Viljandi until I will be back in Tallinn, you are paused and then we will see how we will continue. Then we will restrict again and will get back to where we were. 

I don't know about you, but when I go to visit my parents or we go somewhere, all eating, snacking and overeating is really easy to go down. I don't understand people who say they lose weight during a holiday. In group, people are keeping their eyes on my very carefully and I am being monitored, it is impossible to skip meals or have something different. Food is being prepared and you need to have it, even if you don't want to. There is no possibility to make your own choices. So the only way to deal with it is to pause your eating disorder.

Now that I am back in Tallinn, it is still paused - until my vacation is over. (It is over now, I am just late to translating this post, sorry about that.)

How has it been? It has not been paused 100%. I may have a chat with my disorder, but it is so difficult. Everything is still fucking difficult. My weight has gone up by a kilo during my vacation and it is fucking with my mind. And during the vacation as well, I had many tears-filled days and I had such overhwelming guilt... so I can't say it was fully paused. But I tried to make it be. What I also did was not talking about food. My mum even complimented me, saying that I didn't make a huge deal out of eating and I managed quite well. Doesn't matter that I cried when I was alone...

Anyway, yeah. 

First food related stop for us was at Muhu, where I wanted to go to this handmade ice cream shop. By company LaMuu.

My mum and sister had an ice cream in a waffle cone, but it is difficult to eat something like this with braces (I need to remove the elastics for it and I didn't have anywhere to put them), so I picked just three flavours in a cup. I tried black ice cream, which was flavoured as white chocolate, beer flavoured ice cream and fake Nutella (vegan) ice cream. I really liked them all and others agreed that the fake Nutella one was the best. :D

I got a lot of guilty feelings from it. Not at first, but later. After that we went to adventure park, Kaali crater and hotel and then my mum and sister started to say that they are hungry, even though we just were supposed to visit Sõrve lighthouse and then go and have dinner. And at home in the morning we ate a lot and then the ice cream was a lot too. Still, we went to the store and...

This was the most difficult thing during our trip. They had some sandwiches, which I have also liked to have, but everything was with meat. And they did not allow me to skip this meal. This was the moment where we had a little fight and I was really disappointed they didn't respect my decision. I couldn't even enjoy the pancakes, as I was too upset.

For dinner we went to Saaremaa Veski. I picked vegan thing from the menu, which was chickpea burgers with sweet potato fries. And I tried one craft beer. The food was amazing and my sister and mum also enjoyed what they had picked.

It was a huge portion and I was really full, but I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter and at the hospital we ate even more. I was extra good and had some bread and butter on the side as well.

After that we went to the hotel and had different snacks, rye bread crisps, pistachios, chips and dip and drank wine. During having these things it is not difficult, but it is so later, especially the next day when I get waves of guilt. I didn't express it in words, I just sent my sister some messages about feeling bad and awful and uncomfortable an guilty.

The next morning we had breakfast buffee, which again meant having so much food. And then we had some snack, but main meal we had at Hiiumaa, in Rannapaargu restaurant.

I would have really liked to have grilled salmon, but they had ran out of it. Vegan selection waas burger with sweet potato fries and chickpea patty, and I didn't want to have the same stuff again. So I picked some fish cutlets with fresh potatoes and mayo sauce and salad. I really liked it. I didn't have too many guilty feelings at that point, and I was quite hungry. My mum and sister were again happy with their selection as well. All in all I would say I liked Saaremaa Veski more, but this was not bad.

After that we looked around for a bit to see if there was a cafe or something nearby, but we didn't have time to go in the end.

Instead we had coffee and cake on the ferry...

Pickng the cake was really difficult and I think I would have liked something else, but as others had this, I felt that it is allowed for me as well. Even though I could have had anything, really... I don't know. Anyway, this cake was not the best thing I have ever had. It was too sweet and not sweet enough at the same time and it was in general kind of weird. If I had picked this cake when others had something different though, it would have been even more difficult. And in reality I have been thinking that I want to have chocolate cake... I don't knowwww. It would have been better if we had been in an actual cafe.

At home in Viljandi we grilled some sausages and I got vegan sausages. These are really good. My dad had one and he also said that he couldn't tell it wasn't meat.

Grilling it added an extra smiky flavour and it was amazing. Even though making it in the oven works well too. Anyway, it was nice to sit outside, drink some wine or beer and just chat. This is my favourite part of barbeque.

Now that I am eating mushrooms, mum made fresh potatoes with chatarelles. This was so good. I had two full plates...

But now I am back in Tallinn and my rhythm has gone back to normal for me. I missed it so much. To have some sort of plan for the days.

At the same time I really managed to break free from having 3 meals and 3-4 snacks. It went better than I expected. But still, it was difficult... and gaining weight after the vacation. Gah. Mentally it has been exhausting. And my "eating disorder is paused" doesn't really help any more, I guess the week free from it was an absolute stretch.

But I was good and on the first full day in Tallinn I still made some proper breakfast porridge. I brought a lot of gooseberries from home, and also some blackcurrants. I really enjoy my breakfasts and they are on next level thanks to fresh berries.

With cocoa and blackcurrants. And today morning I made the same with vanilla peanut butter. And my porridge servings are also bigger than they used to be. This is also progress.

I have a new deal with my friend as well. I said that I can't gain so much weight so fast, as our current plan had me do. I just find it mentally too hard. So now my goal is to gain a kilo in two weeks, when he still continues with losing 2 to 2,5 kilos in two weeks.

But all in all, I have been doing well. Now today it is Monday and I should start a new challenge, but I just can't come up with any. :D But I feel like I need to, because that is the essence of my blog. I will try and come up with something.

I have tried some new vegan products, but I am not going to talk about them in this post.

Anyway, I am glad that this stressful part of the vacation is over. But I am also feeling sad. I discovered that I didn't think about food all the time and some moments, for example having meals at the restaurant with others, were kind of easy. And also... gaining one kilo per week was not the worst thing that could have happened. Besides I had a goal, agreement, to do that... and on the sixth I went to see my doctor so now I could finally show them some results. I have always just sat in their office, repeating "next time, next time"...

Also I wanted to write about one more thing. I need a new job. And I would like to do something to express myself, but I have a feeling there is NO SUCH JOB. And I don't know what else I would like to do. I am so lost. Does anyone else ever feel lke this? How to get out of this funk? Argh.

But well. Now I have written down everything about these guilty feelings and foods. And now some days have passed and I am feeling better. At least for now. And I need to be in "now!. What is the point of stressing over the past or future? You cannot change the past and you don't know what is to come.