I Won't Quote

Kolmapäev

Breakfast 8:30 - millet porridge, coffee, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and tomato, strawberry yoghurt. (Not my favourite porridge nor yoghurt, but I got it down. I had a stomach ache even before breakfast, and after this I felt really uncomfortable.)

Snack 11:00 - 6 pieces of Milka peanut and caramel chocolate. (Again thank you for my friend who sent me so many sweets and thanks to who I get to try all this different stuff. Again, perfect with a cup of tea.)

Lunch 13:00 - tomato-lentil soup, bread and toast, curd cream with berries. (This was finally something a little different, which was so good. Soup was awesome, kind of like pureed soup. At the same time the amount of food was still a lot. Dessert was also different, so at least it left me with somewhat positive mood.)

Snack 15:00 - banana yoghurt with a big handful of nuts. (I had already thought that I was going to pick vanilla pudding and chocolate, but we had ran out of pussing and I couldn't have chocolate either, because it was a snack that had to be picked from hospital's selection. So I am a bit upset with myself. There was also an option with candies, but these induce more guilt, so I decided to pick some nuts and hope to handle my emotions that are about to come.)

Dinner 17:00 - vegetables with boiled potatoes and cream sauce, bread with cheese and butter, toast with cheese and butter, a cup of kefir, an apple. (I am ridiculously upset. I cannot handle being here any longer, I don't want to keep forcing myself to eat this food, I have just had enough. Tomorrow morning there is another weigh in, which I am kind of looking forward to... I want an assurance that I am not keeping gaining like I hae until now. But at the same time I am scared that I have gained too much.)

Snack 19:30 - ice cream with double chocolate cover and pomegranate-raspberry filling. (This was not as good as I had hoped. Actually today has sucked, so this is also why my ice cream experience was ruined. It was okay. It was good. I have to believe it was.)


My relative gave me this really cute colouring book and it has been good to colour when I have been feeling really frustrated with myself.

Thursday

Breakfast 8:30 - buckwheat porridge, bread and toast with butter and eggs and tomatoes, coffee, peach yoghurt. (Usually there is normal amount of porridge, but whenever we have buckwheat porridge, there is a ton of it. My stomach was fuller than usually and I wish I had had something else. Recently they have added yoghurt to breakfast, which has been more difficult to get down.)

Snack 11:00 - 3 pieces of Milka chocolate with Daim, 3 pieces of Milka chocolate with Oreo cookies. (I have always thought that I did not like Oreos. I have always thought that they are overrated, but actually this chocolate was really good. I could even take all 6 pieces of it another time. I feel a bit better as I had not gained as much as I was afraid of. At the same time I am scared of next weigh in already, the one that is on Monday. I feel like then I will have gained double.)

Lunch 13:00 - salmon with cream souce, rice, peas and carrots, cucumber-tomato-cabbage salad, plum juice, slice of toast, raspberry curd dessert. (It was the first time when I had fish. I actually liked it a lot. And, oh my god, today we did not have bread AND toast, only toast! At the same time I have never really liked plum juice. I am upset that I am feeling better for not gaining as much weight... I wish my emotions were not connected with my weight as much.)

Snack 15:00 - buttered croissant. (I still don't like having pastries or bread, but this is why I decided to pick it - as a challenge, you know. Of coruse I had a lot of guilt for not picking something else after having it though.)

Dinner 17:00 - beetroot borsch, bread and toast, a banana. (My stomach was super full, even though the amount of food did not seem to be as much. I am anxious, which is super annoying. Tomorrow is baking day, which I am already thinking of and this also makes me feel really awful. Until now I have panicked about stuff that had already happened, but I keep thinking of what is going to happen recently. I have weird anxiety cold waves going over my whole body.)

Snack 19:30 - cottage cheese with raspberry jam. (This was easy to eat and I didn't even have too many guilty feelings after it.)



Friday

Breakgast 8:30 - oatmeal, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and cucumber, coffee, strawberry yoghurt. (I could have eaten it all without feeling awful if they didn't make me have the extra yoghurt. My stomach hurts. I feel anxious because of our baking. I wish it was another normal day, where we didn't have to bake, and where we could pick our own snacks. This is the second time I need to bake something here and it is deffinitely more challenging than last week was.)

Snack 11:00 - vanilla pudding, 3 pieces of Milka caramel and peanut chocolate. (The pudding was too sweet, but at least I could have some tea with my chocolate, so I managed to get everything down. The chocolate was good.)

Lunch 13:00 - rice and vegetable soup, bread and toast, dried cruit compote with whipped cream. (The dessert was too sweet and I still dislike whipped cream - I have never liked it. Lunch was not very good, I feel too full. Today we also baked a cake, so for the next snack we will have it.)

Snack 15:00 - coconut filled ice cream. (Everything went to hell and I am really upset. We were supposed to have cake, but it appeared it was still raw and it was put to the oven again. So we had to have our own snack. I took cottage cheese at first, but half of it was frozen due to being at the back of the fridge. And then they told me to have something else so I picked ice cream. So now I have eaten a lot more than others and it makes me super upset. I feel like crying and really shitty. This is so unfair.)

Dinner 17:00 - pasta with vegetables, glass of milk, bread and toast with butter. (Of course, on a day when I am super upset, we are having pasta. This is probably my biggest "fear food". The day that started out well, ended really crappy.)

Snack 19:30 - blueberry curd cream crumble cake, 1/8th. (I have never seen people being so upset at having to eat cake. I am still upset at the previous snack, so this was not easy. Swallowing it. My stomach is really bloated. I generally feel as if all of my body parts are bloated. So big. So this day ends in a negative note.)



Saturday

Breakfast 8:30 - buckwheat porridge, bread and toast with eggs, butter and tomato, banana, coffee. (I hate that I have a different menu and others don't have to have as much food as I do. Also, I am not a fan of buckwheat porridge, there is always too much of it. I wish we had as much oatmeal.)

Snack 11:00 - Kinder Country chocolate. (I had never tried it and it was soo good and crunchy. Perfect with tea. I am feeling a bit better today, so the morning snack was easier than I thought it would be. I miss fresh fruits. We can have them, but they are not counted as snacks and I am so full that I physically cannot have them.)

Lunch 13:00 - boiled potatoes and vegetables, bread and toast, raisin kissell (soup kind of thingy, very sweet). (One of the worst lunches, the meal was so bland and we are not allowed to use extra salt. This felt like wasting a ton of calories, I want food to be enjoyable. And the dessert was horrible as well, way too sweet.)

Snack 15:00 - strawberry curd cream. (It was supposed to be eaten with my lunch as it appeared, but they didn't tell me this. Anyway, it was good and I made coffee with it. The water was not properly boiling though, so it wasn't the best coffee I have had.)

Dinner 17:00 - rice with vegetables and mushrooms, kefir, bread and toast with butter and cheese. (Again I was a bit upset, because others had soup, one slice of bread and yoghurt. I know, I know. I am on a different diet, but still. I was so full. It was the first time I finished eating last.)

Snack 19:30 - cottage cheese with sour cream and dill. (I am glad this snack saga that began yesterday is over now.)



Sunday

Breakfast 8:30 - oatmeal, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and cucumber, coffee. (I still did not feel hungry but eating this was okay. Breakfast for me is the easiest meal, so I am not surprised. I am also getting used to having bread in the morning, but it is still bothering me a little.)

Snack 11:00 - biscuit cake Kinder Milk Slice. (I tried something other than chocolate for a change and it was okay, although a bit too soft. Did not have too many guilty feelings after it. After lunch I am going out with my mum and have to have a snack with her. This is a bit stressful already, because the situation is out of my control.)

Lunch 13:00 - beetroot soup, bread and toast, curd cream with kissell (warm berry soup-like thing), multivitamine drink. (I cannot deal with liquid calories. This is so difficult. That is why it is so difficult to have milk, kefir or hot chocolate. They are just wasted calories. I am going out with mum and kind of want to challenge the liquid calories thing...)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla-cherry jam ice cream. (We went to this shopping center with mum. I am disapointed in myself, as I think I would have liked Belgian waffle with ice cream, but at the last moment I changed my mind and we just had ice cream.)

Dinner 17:00 - potato-cabbage-carrot stew, rice, sour cream and dill sauce, tomato and cucumber salad, kefir, bread and toast with butter. (Dinner was huge and it was difficult to handle it. I guess I was also affected by having the snack outside. I keep thinking about that and the fact that tomorrow is weigh in day.)

Snack 19:30 - overnight oatmeal with coconut. (As I got to go to the store, it was difficult to pick something. We got me so many snacks. I felt really bad due to anxiety about tomorrow. I just hope that I have gained a little, but not too much. I would like to gain in a slow, steady manner. I don't know how to get rid of these nerves. I feel like there is a hot wave running over me constantly.)

I thought for a long time if I want to post about this, but finally I decided that yes, I want to.

I had to take some extra chocolate with my vanilla pudding. And more chocolate pieces than usually. So I was unwrapping it and saw that there is a new element on the chocolate. They have noted down that to burn calories you get from ONCE PIECE (and I usually have to take 8 pieces at once) you have to take 408 steps. Like... seriously?

Is there nothing else you could have written on the chocolate? For example that it tastes good and that it is dark chocolate, yet creamy, that every other Estonian recommends this? Literally ANYTHING else?

Because yes, chocolate is supposed to make you feel guilty. Because that is important. So that we, people affected so badly from the diet culture, would know how many steps we have to take to burn calories you get from once piece. This is healthy. This is positive.

This is awful. It is just DISGUSTING. Not to mention I cried a lot, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I is difficult as it is. It is also difficult for many people who are suffering in silence. A lot of people don't even know they have an eating disorder.

So... why? I wish I knew who and why decided that this detail was important enough to write on chocolate packaging. Why would you ruin something good?

Yep, maybe someone who loves chocolate doesn't even notice it. Children also do not pay attention. People who do, are the ones suffering and this is not okay. I feel sad.

Is this normal, what do you think?

I decided to make the posts from Monday to Thursday and from Thursday to Monday, because it will be a full circle like this. I hope it makes sense.

Thursday

Morning just flipped me right off. I wrote more about this on my post about living from weigh in to weigh in. The evening was not better, I cried a lot and tried to explain my emotions to my mum (with no success). She also has hard time, I get it now. Maybe I had some help thanks to talking to my psychologist, even though I only cried and cried. Was not a successful meeting. I like that I get to see her twice a week, though. Due to my low weight we have short meetings, but I still feel better each time. She is like a good friend, repeating that she understands how difficult it is for me and says that everything is okay and I don't need to get good results as soon as possible. This illness has grown for a long time and it is normal to need more time to get rid of the thoughts and feelings. That is why it is also usual for people to stay at the hospital a little longer for the first time.

I slept fairly well and did not wake up during the night; I just got up a bit before 8, which was okay.

Friday

Today my mood... is blank. I haven't yet cried and I haven't had as intense emotions yet. My fried is coming to visit me - I hoped I can go out with her, but at the moment I haven't yet seen my doctor and haven't had a chance to ask about it. During this week I haven't had any chance to talk to her, which kind of sucks. Mentioned this to the nurses and they promised to forward my message. I also want to know results to my bone density test. And ask about weight gain. And talk about my medication, because I think my mood is so awful because they have taken down the dousage quite a lot - from 300 mg to 150 mg. I just want to function a little bit better.

During this week I have been to 2 seminars for 5th year doctor students. There were 8 of them each time and one of them would ask me many questions. Others were just listening but also had a chance to ask something if they wanted to. They asked about everything without holding back. For example about the bad condition of my hair, about hair that is thicker on my hands, about yellow palms - these are all anorexia symptoms. Also the fact that you can see blood vessels really well and that I used to be cold all the time. They also asked about my life, for example about my relationship with my parents, my experience with diets or people dieting around me, about my friends, about my classmates (for example if I was bullied at school, did I have friends at school), about my depression, relationships and sport. Also about my eating before coming to the hospital. About my thoughts and fears. About my favourite foods. About my future. About iff I was afraid of dying. And so on and so on.

To my own surprise I told them how the feeling of hunger became normal - an addiction. For anorexia, they often say that there are two really common facts: emotion that is fear and feeling of addiction - addiction to hunger. Which, I would say, is true. I understood it for the first time in these seminars. But at the same time... during my last month at home I lost the feeling of hunger completely. I had no apetite, I needed to force myself to eat. So I don't even know... If I had been home alone - how would I have ended up? I guess this is partly the reason I am being observed - I was functioning and alive on BMI that was so low. I am not their regular patient, or that I am being told :D.

My best friend said that I should just make a summary about my life, having told it 8 times now. So every time someone starts with "so tell me about..." I could grab a pile of papers and throw it at them. :D

Today we have another baking day at the hospital, which we have to eat at three o'clock. We are finally making something savoury - spinach and feta cheese quiche. Usually we pick out the recipe together on Thursday, but I don't eat meat and some people don't eat fish, so it was difficult to pick a salty meal (we were thinking about rice salad). Finally the nurses decided that they will pick something for us. We shall see how eating it will be - I don't feel any positive nor negative emotions at the moment, though making it was stressful. Because it had a lot of butter and cheese. Cheese has become a fear food recently (right before I came to the hospital).



Saturday

Yesterday's baking came out really good. It was difficult to eat it, but surely easier than having a cake (like last week).

Today mum is going to visit me and I should have a snack outside. Stressful again. I need to think of something.

I thought a lot and played with different ideas, but at the end I picked just a smoothie. It felt safe, and I miss having fresh fruits. At the same time it WAS a bit challenging, as it is difficult to deal with liquid calories.

We went to Tasku and Kvartal shopping centers; time passed so fast and we barely had time to look around. We picked smoothies from Boost - I picked something green that also had coconut water and coconut milk, mango, banana and some more stuff. Mum picked something with cocoa and ice cream. She loves ice cream shakes, but isn't huge fan of smoothies - she really liked it though, so it made me feel good. It was nice to just walk around and look at stuff. About most of the clothes she asked me if I wanted them. Of course I wanted, but at the same time it is difficult for me to deal with myself at the moment and I know my dress size is going to change soon. Thus I don't want new clothes at the moment (I would feel really bad if they became too small for me). Still she treated me for this smoothie and snacks too...

I think generally it was a good day, even though I felt a little sad in the evening. I am upset that she can't come next weekend, but she is going to Czech Republic, as there is line-dance competition where she is participating in. I need to ask my friends and relatives to come over and take me to store I guess. :D

Sunday

Already in the morning I started to worry about tomorrow's weigh in. I know I cannot change anything and this feeling is pointless, but still - I cannot make my emotions go away. It is impossible. I have tried to do something else, like I played Sims for about 1,5 hours! :D I remembered that EA Games let people download it for free and I had done so, so I have played a bit every day. I would like to watch a movie, but I don't have patience nor focus to do so.

Maybe I will start watching Russian Doll from Netflix. It seems like a good show with dark humor. Also I watched Bird Box movie the other day - it was awesome! I also started reading a new book a fiend sent me, titled "Snow White Has to Die". I have read it really fast, for example yesterday I read it 2 hours in a row, it is soooo good! I didn't feel like reading a criminal story, but when I started it, it was so difficult to stop. :D

What I had expected, happened. I have felt a bit calmer for the past few days, but now I exploded at really random thing, about a snack. And it was my own mistake. I didn't have what I wanted and let the nurses to ruin the thing. I feel like there is something boiling in my stomach and I cannot stop crying. I really hoped that my situation was improving. So much for that. Fucking hell, why??? I will think about it for the rest of the day and cannot calm down. Why am I like this? Just why????!

I also discussed with my mum the fact that Estonian loved chocolate company has put a warning on their pacaking, saying that you need to take 408 steps to burn the calories you gain from one piece of chocolate. THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. It affects me and others with eating disorders a lot, this is really problematic. WHY.

My mum agreed with me - this is absurd. She also added another view at it, saying that she, as someone who needs to be healthier, would immediately think that she shouldn't have the chocolate and thus would not pick other chocolate as well - this means the chocolate company is losing several people buying their products. (I have a whole rant post about this topic, would you be interested?)


Monday

Morning weigh in went... well? Neutral? Badly? I don't know. My weight hadn't changed and is still 39,5 kgs. I felt a bit better, but also surprisingly a little... disappointed. I expected some weight gain. Today when we had after breakfast meeting one of the nurses said that this is the Signe side. Signe, not the illness.

At the same time now I am scared that by Thursday the weight gain is bigger again, just like last week. I don't know. I think today I can finally talk to my doctor. Anyway, the things are as they are. I am trying to live one day at the time, even though it is tough.

Monday

Morning weigh in showed that I have lost 200 grams, so my weight currently is 38,7 kgs. I have no idea how this is possible, because I have eaten three times a day + 3 snacks every single day. It seems illogical. I was deadly afraid that 40 kgs will be broken now, but apparently not. Also the doctor warned me that sometimes you gain double, sometimes you can lose a little.

On Mondays we set goals for new week. This time I wish to eat a snack outside and pick something I really would like to try, not follow anorexia thoughts and pick something safe, something I have had already. My mum is coming to visit me again on the weekend so I can try it then. Maybe also with a friend, if I can get a permission to go out (which I really hope that I can do soon).

I am disgusted by all the anger I have in me. Every little thing makes me super upset and in addition to my first emotion, usually panic, sometimes even hysteria, I am accompanied by anger. It is directed towards everything and everyone and at one point it changes into anger towards me myself. It is sooooo difficult to break through it. Nurses have told me several times that they have taken the control from me and that I should be angry at them, but this is also unfair.

Tuesday

Again, another super difficult day. Actually I feel like this was even more difficult, than yesterday, even though I believed I had hit the rock bottom. Apparently things could still get worse, and a lot.

I have discovered that my body dysmorphia is getting worse. It means that I see myself differently than I atually am. I feel as if I am so big, my hands weel swollen, my stomach is bloated, my thighs have gotten thicker. I have become bigger in my face. I don't even know if I have changed in reality, because even looking into the mirror, I am just... fatter. I wish this feeling went away. Logically thinking, I do understand that 2,5 kgs of weight gain does not change my appearance that much. But what my eyes see is completely different. This is impossible to deal with.

I hope that tomorrow is going to be diffrent and maybe I will have a better day. At least I can go out with a friend, which should motivate me. I dunno. At the moment I feel so low that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Wednesday

Morning was better and up to a point my emotions were generally okay. At one point tough, my feelings changed and I started to become anxious and afraid again. Fear - this word, this emotion, has a lot to do with anorexia. You are afraid of weight gain, you are afraid of eating, you are afraid of losing control. You are constantly obsessed over the sickness and you are constantly afraid.

Today I am going out with my relative. They also told me that I can have a snack outside. There are three thoughts in my head right now:

1. I don't have a snack, but I tell them that I did. This is obviously the worst, but most tempting.
2. I will come back by the snack time. This feels the safest and I feel that I am not ready eating something outside.
3. I have my snack outside. This I will do, only if my relative wants to have something as well.

Actually now that I think about it, I could have had something outside. Anyway, I got back to the hospital by 19:30. I am at least a bit proud that I didn't let myself to go with the first thought. Now, if I could stop thinking about tomorrow's weighing, I could go to sleep in peace.

Only one moment of being upset today, which is a good change.... and actually it was fun to walk around in the department store. We went to a bookstore and spent legit hour in there. :D A lot of stuff I would like to read. And for me, I was surprised I like some poetry. As my friend said - I hadn't discovered the right poems for me. Which is true. I accepted my appreciation for poetry when I went to a bookstore in Tallinn and went through Rupi Kaur's book. At the same time my relative showed me her favourite Estonian poetry writer's stuff and well... it was kind of good too?

Thursday

Today's weigh in went exactly as badly as I was afriad. I had gained 0,8 kgs, so my weight is currently 39,5 kgs. I know that this it not a lot, but for me it is so much. I just want to gain in normal tempo, not like it has been until now.

The stupidest thing is that in my head, weight gain of 0,5 kgs would be acceptable. This right now was more by 300 grams, and it causes me such pain. As if someone had died. And at the same time I didn't gain anything last week. Just this huge change is so awful and scary. I don't know, I cannot deal with myself any more and I keep wanting to just leave the hospital. And go back where I was before that. At least I wouldn't hurt as much.

Pain and fear. I didn't know you can feel them so intensely on the mental level. Usually they are connected to some physical reaction.

I don't know how I will manage until Monday. 3 kgs and 300 grams and I haven't even been at the hospital for 3 weeks yet. This is killing me.

I will try and translate all the posts I have missed until now, if anyone cares. I just wanted to get this post out first, as I need to get this shit out of my head.

Also, I have participated in several seminars of last year doctor's degree students. I have told my story 8 times now, I almost remember every single bit of it by now.

Tuesday

Went in for a scan for bone density today. It was really weird, some machine was just over me nad made some beeping sounds. The results should be in within a few days or next week by the latest.

I have written down hospital menu, mainly so I could follow it when I get home. To make sure I stick to the habits then want us to get into here. Hopefully it helps me. Also I think that writing my menu down helps to get rid of the guilt. But for god's sake, if you don't want to, don't read it.


Art therapy. A painting inspired by Tallinn old down that others also seemed to like. I have done only watervolour paintings until now, haven't made any more pencil sketches either. Maybe I will make them again at one point.

Also I have been wanting to write reviews about stuff I am eating here, mainly sweets. I am afriad that some of you may think I am too much food focused. I kind of want to write about it though, because I feel disappointed really easily if something is not as good as I hoped for, and this helps to get it out of my head. I will think about it a little more - my sister said she would like it, as she never can pick candy she wants. Please let me know what you think. Also you can write to me about anything, I am really bored here.

Wednesday

Yesterday another friend came to visit me, which was really really nice. We talked about old times and laughed. It feels weird to laugh - I haven't done it sincerely for a long time. But it was simple, time went by fast and I had fun just being and talking. Also a change from my crying fit in the morning. So yesterday was better than some other days. Difficult still, of course, but that is something positive that happened. About today - I am undecided how I feel. I feel like any little thing can change my mood. I guess feeling a bit neutral is okay for a change.

Today they will do another EKG scan (heart scan). They don't do it on every other day, but still twice a week. Today I also had a huge breakdown, they even gave me calming mixture to drink. I just couldn't pull myself together. I just felt discusting, kept crying and having some panic. I talked to my mum for a long time, this also helped me to calm down a little. All in all it wasn't really a good day.


We had to draw a pet. I decided to go with a dragon, because it is the opposite of me. Kind of found this connection in my head.

Thursday

Today morning there was another weigh in. New weigt - 38,9 kg, which means I only gained 0,2 kgs this time. I feel like this is just temporary and by Monday I have gained another 2 kgs. I am afriad even more now and every snack is more and more difficult to eat. The usual meals are kind of getting better; at least there is this rhythm now. I still feel super uncomfortable after every meal. I am also surprised that snacks are getting more and more difficult.

I felt a bit more comfortable and better with myself, but I know it was due to me weigh in, because it was less than I was afriad. This is a tough situation - on one side I shouldn't be happy, but at the same time I can't help it (I talked to my doctor about it and she said it is okay and there are days like this and that I am allowed to feel better, no matter why. It is good that I understand which is behind this emotion).

On Sunday mum will come to visit me and I can go outside with her and even have one snack outside. I looked it up that the shopping center near here has a lot of ice cream options, so I think I will take this. Next week, maybe, I am allowed to go out with friends too, at least I hope so. It was supposed to depend on your BMI, but the doctor said that I am a bit of an off case (because my BMI is so low, yet I still function), so maybe I am allowed to go out earlier too. I hope I get to talk to her today or tomorrow and make sure. At least this is something that helps me forward.

Today I will have second meeting with my psychologist. Can't predict how it will go, but I am ready to cry (which I didn't do, at least not a lot). Crying is actually good, helps to get the emotions out and makes me feel better. Even though it is embarrassing. Even though it shouldn't. I have shed many tears and I have seen many tears being cried, thus it is okay and normal.

Which is also weird, there have been some moments when I feel like I am not myself. It is as if I am looking at myself from another perspective. It is sort of like out of the body experience and I feel like I cannot control myself. It is rather creepy. I told mt psychologist about it, who said it is normal. It helps to deal with myself. Also mentioned it to my doctor, who assured me that no, I am not going mad.

I feel too full constantly and it is really annoying. If I could get rid of it, I would feel quite chill already. Though at the same time being here is becoming more and more bothersome and boring. For example today I have felt really sad. I just want to go home, I want my normal days back. I even went as far as to say that I want to go back to the way it was before I came to the hospital, I wouldn't even mind being as sick as I was (or am).

There are some difficult thoughts about work too, but my psychologist said to forget them for the week and face it next week. And then I just need to pull myself together and inform them that I am not coming back to work yet for a long time. I know I have to think of it like this, but it is fucking hard.


I was thinking about my tea challenge, especially because a friend brought me white tea with strawberry (which tastes amazing and is definitely in top 3 of my hundred tea challenge. Currently I have tried 97 different teas, only 3 more to go!)

Friday

Today is the day of baking. We are making blackberry curd cream crumble cake. It is difficult to deal with this and thinking about this constantly really sucks. At the same time I can't help it, it is like a personal raincloud following me. I just want it to be over already. I want it to be Sunday already. Or Monday. I want to know how much I have gained. I am living in fear form one weigh in to another.

Today my relative is also coming to visit me, which is fun, I guess. At least time will pass a little quicker. And maybe it helps me not to focus on my bad thoughts after such a challenging day. At the moment I feel quite anxious.

I got to talk to my doctor. Next week she said I am allowed to go out with a friend and even have a snack out and about. I think eating out with my mum will be a challenge - as I have said hundreds of times already. As snack times have gotten a lot more difficult for me.

At the moment our cake is in the oven and we have to have it at 15:00 snacktime. It came out looking very pretty. I hope eating it will go well, making it kind of helped with the nervousness, but I still have some anxiety.  But today, especially after talking to my doctor, I feel a bit stronger. In the morning I had a lot of worrying thoughts and nerves.

Our snack at three was a normal one, because our cake was still raw and it needed to be baked some more. So I guess we will have to eat it at the 19:30 snacktimes. Fuck, I am so pissed about it, everything sucks so much. I will post this right now as I am feeling really fucking upset and I don't want to write any more. What just happened made me really flip out and I feel so sick. Send help.

Someone brought me flowerssss.

I am writind down some meals and snacks from the hospital, so I could follow it when I am going home. I guess I need that kind of guide.

Friday

Breakfast 8:30 - buckwheat porridge, glass of milk, bread and toast with butter, egg and tomato.

Snack 11:00 - vanilla curd cream

Lunch 13:00 - beetroot soup, slice of bread and toast, kissell (kind of like... warm berry soup) with curd cream, pear

Snack 15:00 - rum cakes with whipped cream (On every Friday we need to cook something together, usually it is baking. We made the base for rum cakes. There was too much whipped cream and I would have preferred coconut flakes, as it is more traditional)

Dinner 17:00 - boiled potatoes with vegetables, cup of kefir, cucumber and sour cream salad, toast and bread with butter and cheese. (This was the most difficult meal up to now.)

Snack 19:30 - strawberry-rhubarb yoghurt, one cookie with gingerbread filling.

Saturday

Breakfast 8:30 - millet porridge, coffee with milk, bread with cheese and butter, toast with bread and cucumber, banana curd cream.

Snack 11:00 - Milka chocolate with peanuts and caramel (more calories than regular chocolate = awful feeling.)

Lunch 13:00 - cabbage soup, slice of bread and slice of toast, curd cream with berry kissell (soup thingy)

Snack 15:00 - curd cream bun.

Dinner 17:00 - rice with veggies, mushrooms and pineapple, cucumber vabbage salad, cup of kefir, bread with cheese and butter, toast with cheese and butter (a very good meal but I felt too full after it.)

Snack 19:30 - coconut ice cream.

Sunday

Breakgast - oatmeal, coffee with milk, toast with butter and egg, bread with butter, cheese and cucumber.

Snack - Knoppers chocolate waffer, 2 oatmeal cookies.

Lunch 13:00 - cabbage ster with carrots and beans, boiled potatoes, carrot salad, a slice of bread and a slice of toast, orange juice.

Snack 15:00 - overnight oatmeal with blackberries and chia seeds, a handful of peanuts.

Dinner 17:00 - rice with cabbage and carrot stew, white sauce, slice of bread with butter, a slice of toast with butter, and apple, glass of plum juice (really unfair as others just had soup and one slice of bread.)

Snack 19:30 - Magnum hazelnut ice cream.

Monday

Breakfast 8:30 - rice porridge, coffee with milk, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and tomato, peach yoghurt (others had only one slice of toast, again. It is difficult to deal with this kind of situations.)

Snack 11:00 - Dark chocolate with crunchy caramel (8 pieces).

Lunch 13:00 - rice with vegetables, mushrooms and corn, carrot and cabbage salad, bread, toast, kama (Estonian food, basically flour of different oats) mixed with berry curd cream.

Snack 15:00 - vanilla curd cream

Dinner 17:00 - cabbage and vegetable soup, bread with butter and toast with butter, apple-cinnamor skyr yoghurt.

Snack 19:30 - overnight oatmeal with coconut and cia seeds, one piece of jelly candy (which I am really angry with, as I hit the calories already, yet they made me have it extra.)

Tuesday

Breakfast 8:30 - sye porridge, cup of cottage cheese, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and tomato, coffee with milk

Snack 11:00 - 6 pieces of Milka Daim chocolate.

Lunch 13:00 - huge bowl of pasta with vegetables, white sauce, bread and toast, berry kissell (soup thingy. Also pasta is a fuge fear food so this was very difficult for me.)

Snack 15:00 - pastry filled with jam (it was not as good as I had hoped, I feel like I wasted calories. A lot of anger in me. I cried.)

Dinner 17:00 - vegetable soup, toast and bread, strawberry yoghurt, banana.

Snack 19:30 - cocoa, coconut curd cream dessert (kohuke in Estonian, just google it if you are interested).

Should I add more of my emotions or just leave it like this? I have a lot of emotions regarding food, which I would really like to get out somehow. And they are really intense.

Fresh emotions from morning get together - I managed to cry openly, and a lot.

Today morning we were weighed again, which meant that in 4 days I have gained additional 1,2 kgs and my weight is now 38,7 kgs. I know that this is necessary and it helps me to get out of here sooner, but this is too much and too fast. I just feel like I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to exist alltogether and this emotion is getting stronger and stronger.

At breakfast I was really bothered (as I was during last night's dinner) that others got only one slice of bread, but I had to have breand AND toast. I understand that I am on pescetarian diet, which means that amount of food I need to eat is bigger, but this just flipped. It made me feel even worse.

They keep telling me that this is normal, that my illness is getting stronger the more I fight it. But no. My brain just cannot handle it.

I hope I get to talk to my doctor today and maybe discuss the gaining weight issue. I guess I just want to know if this is normal. I want them to reassure me that it is and the situation will stabilize. I want someone to tell me that it won't be like this for forever and that I will not gain weight for forever. Because right now I feel it is like this.

Today we made an agreement that the nurses help me with picking a snack. Which is also difficult. I guess I will take the morning snack and let them choose something for me from the huge box of sweets I got from a friend. I still want to feel in control and I want to be free while making my decisions, but me thinking about this thing all the time is not freedom. So maybe this agreement will help me. We shall see. And if everything goes to hell, then I have this blog to share my honest emotions, right? :D 

Okay, well, I didn't see my doctor today and I couldn't ask about going outside. Instead I got to meet with my psychologist, and it seems that she is better than the one I saw in Tallinn. We discussed about a lot of topics and talked about stuff I never thought had any importance. I will see her again on Thursday already. She also confirmed that I will probably stay here for several months...

I am still not happy with having dinner so early. Do you have any idea how boring it is to just sit around, doing nothing? I guess I could find someone to visit me, but at the same time this is also very difficult. I never know what to talk about, I don't know what to say. So I am sorry if you are coming and I am just super awkward or don't tell you to come at all. Honestly I guess I am... embarrassed. For being here. For being upset over things like gaining weight. For just writing this year. So much embarrassment.