I decided to make the posts from Monday to Thursday and from Thursday to Monday, because it will be a full circle like this. I hope it makes sense.

Thursday

Morning just flipped me right off. I wrote more about this on my post about living from weigh in to weigh in. The evening was not better, I cried a lot and tried to explain my emotions to my mum (with no success). She also has hard time, I get it now. Maybe I had some help thanks to talking to my psychologist, even though I only cried and cried. Was not a successful meeting. I like that I get to see her twice a week, though. Due to my low weight we have short meetings, but I still feel better each time. She is like a good friend, repeating that she understands how difficult it is for me and says that everything is okay and I don't need to get good results as soon as possible. This illness has grown for a long time and it is normal to need more time to get rid of the thoughts and feelings. That is why it is also usual for people to stay at the hospital a little longer for the first time.

I slept fairly well and did not wake up during the night; I just got up a bit before 8, which was okay.

Friday

Today my mood... is blank. I haven't yet cried and I haven't had as intense emotions yet. My fried is coming to visit me - I hoped I can go out with her, but at the moment I haven't yet seen my doctor and haven't had a chance to ask about it. During this week I haven't had any chance to talk to her, which kind of sucks. Mentioned this to the nurses and they promised to forward my message. I also want to know results to my bone density test. And ask about weight gain. And talk about my medication, because I think my mood is so awful because they have taken down the dousage quite a lot - from 300 mg to 150 mg. I just want to function a little bit better.

During this week I have been to 2 seminars for 5th year doctor students. There were 8 of them each time and one of them would ask me many questions. Others were just listening but also had a chance to ask something if they wanted to. They asked about everything without holding back. For example about the bad condition of my hair, about hair that is thicker on my hands, about yellow palms - these are all anorexia symptoms. Also the fact that you can see blood vessels really well and that I used to be cold all the time. They also asked about my life, for example about my relationship with my parents, my experience with diets or people dieting around me, about my friends, about my classmates (for example if I was bullied at school, did I have friends at school), about my depression, relationships and sport. Also about my eating before coming to the hospital. About my thoughts and fears. About my favourite foods. About my future. About iff I was afraid of dying. And so on and so on.

To my own surprise I told them how the feeling of hunger became normal - an addiction. For anorexia, they often say that there are two really common facts: emotion that is fear and feeling of addiction - addiction to hunger. Which, I would say, is true. I understood it for the first time in these seminars. But at the same time... during my last month at home I lost the feeling of hunger completely. I had no apetite, I needed to force myself to eat. So I don't even know... If I had been home alone - how would I have ended up? I guess this is partly the reason I am being observed - I was functioning and alive on BMI that was so low. I am not their regular patient, or that I am being told :D.

My best friend said that I should just make a summary about my life, having told it 8 times now. So every time someone starts with "so tell me about..." I could grab a pile of papers and throw it at them. :D

Today we have another baking day at the hospital, which we have to eat at three o'clock. We are finally making something savoury - spinach and feta cheese quiche. Usually we pick out the recipe together on Thursday, but I don't eat meat and some people don't eat fish, so it was difficult to pick a salty meal (we were thinking about rice salad). Finally the nurses decided that they will pick something for us. We shall see how eating it will be - I don't feel any positive nor negative emotions at the moment, though making it was stressful. Because it had a lot of butter and cheese. Cheese has become a fear food recently (right before I came to the hospital).



Saturday

Yesterday's baking came out really good. It was difficult to eat it, but surely easier than having a cake (like last week).

Today mum is going to visit me and I should have a snack outside. Stressful again. I need to think of something.

I thought a lot and played with different ideas, but at the end I picked just a smoothie. It felt safe, and I miss having fresh fruits. At the same time it WAS a bit challenging, as it is difficult to deal with liquid calories.

We went to Tasku and Kvartal shopping centers; time passed so fast and we barely had time to look around. We picked smoothies from Boost - I picked something green that also had coconut water and coconut milk, mango, banana and some more stuff. Mum picked something with cocoa and ice cream. She loves ice cream shakes, but isn't huge fan of smoothies - she really liked it though, so it made me feel good. It was nice to just walk around and look at stuff. About most of the clothes she asked me if I wanted them. Of course I wanted, but at the same time it is difficult for me to deal with myself at the moment and I know my dress size is going to change soon. Thus I don't want new clothes at the moment (I would feel really bad if they became too small for me). Still she treated me for this smoothie and snacks too...

I think generally it was a good day, even though I felt a little sad in the evening. I am upset that she can't come next weekend, but she is going to Czech Republic, as there is line-dance competition where she is participating in. I need to ask my friends and relatives to come over and take me to store I guess. :D

Sunday

Already in the morning I started to worry about tomorrow's weigh in. I know I cannot change anything and this feeling is pointless, but still - I cannot make my emotions go away. It is impossible. I have tried to do something else, like I played Sims for about 1,5 hours! :D I remembered that EA Games let people download it for free and I had done so, so I have played a bit every day. I would like to watch a movie, but I don't have patience nor focus to do so.

Maybe I will start watching Russian Doll from Netflix. It seems like a good show with dark humor. Also I watched Bird Box movie the other day - it was awesome! I also started reading a new book a fiend sent me, titled "Snow White Has to Die". I have read it really fast, for example yesterday I read it 2 hours in a row, it is soooo good! I didn't feel like reading a criminal story, but when I started it, it was so difficult to stop. :D

What I had expected, happened. I have felt a bit calmer for the past few days, but now I exploded at really random thing, about a snack. And it was my own mistake. I didn't have what I wanted and let the nurses to ruin the thing. I feel like there is something boiling in my stomach and I cannot stop crying. I really hoped that my situation was improving. So much for that. Fucking hell, why??? I will think about it for the rest of the day and cannot calm down. Why am I like this? Just why????!

I also discussed with my mum the fact that Estonian loved chocolate company has put a warning on their pacaking, saying that you need to take 408 steps to burn the calories you gain from one piece of chocolate. THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. It affects me and others with eating disorders a lot, this is really problematic. WHY.

My mum agreed with me - this is absurd. She also added another view at it, saying that she, as someone who needs to be healthier, would immediately think that she shouldn't have the chocolate and thus would not pick other chocolate as well - this means the chocolate company is losing several people buying their products. (I have a whole rant post about this topic, would you be interested?)


Monday

Morning weigh in went... well? Neutral? Badly? I don't know. My weight hadn't changed and is still 39,5 kgs. I felt a bit better, but also surprisingly a little... disappointed. I expected some weight gain. Today when we had after breakfast meeting one of the nurses said that this is the Signe side. Signe, not the illness.

At the same time now I am scared that by Thursday the weight gain is bigger again, just like last week. I don't know. I think today I can finally talk to my doctor. Anyway, the things are as they are. I am trying to live one day at the time, even though it is tough.