Tuesday

Went in for a scan for bone density today. It was really weird, some machine was just over me nad made some beeping sounds. The results should be in within a few days or next week by the latest.

I have written down hospital menu, mainly so I could follow it when I get home. To make sure I stick to the habits then want us to get into here. Hopefully it helps me. Also I think that writing my menu down helps to get rid of the guilt. But for god's sake, if you don't want to, don't read it.


Art therapy. A painting inspired by Tallinn old down that others also seemed to like. I have done only watervolour paintings until now, haven't made any more pencil sketches either. Maybe I will make them again at one point.

Also I have been wanting to write reviews about stuff I am eating here, mainly sweets. I am afriad that some of you may think I am too much food focused. I kind of want to write about it though, because I feel disappointed really easily if something is not as good as I hoped for, and this helps to get it out of my head. I will think about it a little more - my sister said she would like it, as she never can pick candy she wants. Please let me know what you think. Also you can write to me about anything, I am really bored here.

Wednesday

Yesterday another friend came to visit me, which was really really nice. We talked about old times and laughed. It feels weird to laugh - I haven't done it sincerely for a long time. But it was simple, time went by fast and I had fun just being and talking. Also a change from my crying fit in the morning. So yesterday was better than some other days. Difficult still, of course, but that is something positive that happened. About today - I am undecided how I feel. I feel like any little thing can change my mood. I guess feeling a bit neutral is okay for a change.

Today they will do another EKG scan (heart scan). They don't do it on every other day, but still twice a week. Today I also had a huge breakdown, they even gave me calming mixture to drink. I just couldn't pull myself together. I just felt discusting, kept crying and having some panic. I talked to my mum for a long time, this also helped me to calm down a little. All in all it wasn't really a good day.


We had to draw a pet. I decided to go with a dragon, because it is the opposite of me. Kind of found this connection in my head.

Thursday

Today morning there was another weigh in. New weigt - 38,9 kg, which means I only gained 0,2 kgs this time. I feel like this is just temporary and by Monday I have gained another 2 kgs. I am afriad even more now and every snack is more and more difficult to eat. The usual meals are kind of getting better; at least there is this rhythm now. I still feel super uncomfortable after every meal. I am also surprised that snacks are getting more and more difficult.

I felt a bit more comfortable and better with myself, but I know it was due to me weigh in, because it was less than I was afriad. This is a tough situation - on one side I shouldn't be happy, but at the same time I can't help it (I talked to my doctor about it and she said it is okay and there are days like this and that I am allowed to feel better, no matter why. It is good that I understand which is behind this emotion).

On Sunday mum will come to visit me and I can go outside with her and even have one snack outside. I looked it up that the shopping center near here has a lot of ice cream options, so I think I will take this. Next week, maybe, I am allowed to go out with friends too, at least I hope so. It was supposed to depend on your BMI, but the doctor said that I am a bit of an off case (because my BMI is so low, yet I still function), so maybe I am allowed to go out earlier too. I hope I get to talk to her today or tomorrow and make sure. At least this is something that helps me forward.

Today I will have second meeting with my psychologist. Can't predict how it will go, but I am ready to cry (which I didn't do, at least not a lot). Crying is actually good, helps to get the emotions out and makes me feel better. Even though it is embarrassing. Even though it shouldn't. I have shed many tears and I have seen many tears being cried, thus it is okay and normal.

Which is also weird, there have been some moments when I feel like I am not myself. It is as if I am looking at myself from another perspective. It is sort of like out of the body experience and I feel like I cannot control myself. It is rather creepy. I told mt psychologist about it, who said it is normal. It helps to deal with myself. Also mentioned it to my doctor, who assured me that no, I am not going mad.

I feel too full constantly and it is really annoying. If I could get rid of it, I would feel quite chill already. Though at the same time being here is becoming more and more bothersome and boring. For example today I have felt really sad. I just want to go home, I want my normal days back. I even went as far as to say that I want to go back to the way it was before I came to the hospital, I wouldn't even mind being as sick as I was (or am).

There are some difficult thoughts about work too, but my psychologist said to forget them for the week and face it next week. And then I just need to pull myself together and inform them that I am not coming back to work yet for a long time. I know I have to think of it like this, but it is fucking hard.


I was thinking about my tea challenge, especially because a friend brought me white tea with strawberry (which tastes amazing and is definitely in top 3 of my hundred tea challenge. Currently I have tried 97 different teas, only 3 more to go!)

Friday

Today is the day of baking. We are making blackberry curd cream crumble cake. It is difficult to deal with this and thinking about this constantly really sucks. At the same time I can't help it, it is like a personal raincloud following me. I just want it to be over already. I want it to be Sunday already. Or Monday. I want to know how much I have gained. I am living in fear form one weigh in to another.

Today my relative is also coming to visit me, which is fun, I guess. At least time will pass a little quicker. And maybe it helps me not to focus on my bad thoughts after such a challenging day. At the moment I feel quite anxious.

I got to talk to my doctor. Next week she said I am allowed to go out with a friend and even have a snack out and about. I think eating out with my mum will be a challenge - as I have said hundreds of times already. As snack times have gotten a lot more difficult for me.

At the moment our cake is in the oven and we have to have it at 15:00 snacktime. It came out looking very pretty. I hope eating it will go well, making it kind of helped with the nervousness, but I still have some anxiety.  But today, especially after talking to my doctor, I feel a bit stronger. In the morning I had a lot of worrying thoughts and nerves.

Our snack at three was a normal one, because our cake was still raw and it needed to be baked some more. So I guess we will have to eat it at the 19:30 snacktimes. Fuck, I am so pissed about it, everything sucks so much. I will post this right now as I am feeling really fucking upset and I don't want to write any more. What just happened made me really flip out and I feel so sick. Send help.