Kolmapäev

Breakfast 8:30 - millet porridge, coffee, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and tomato, strawberry yoghurt. (Not my favourite porridge nor yoghurt, but I got it down. I had a stomach ache even before breakfast, and after this I felt really uncomfortable.)

Snack 11:00 - 6 pieces of Milka peanut and caramel chocolate. (Again thank you for my friend who sent me so many sweets and thanks to who I get to try all this different stuff. Again, perfect with a cup of tea.)

Lunch 13:00 - tomato-lentil soup, bread and toast, curd cream with berries. (This was finally something a little different, which was so good. Soup was awesome, kind of like pureed soup. At the same time the amount of food was still a lot. Dessert was also different, so at least it left me with somewhat positive mood.)

Snack 15:00 - banana yoghurt with a big handful of nuts. (I had already thought that I was going to pick vanilla pudding and chocolate, but we had ran out of pussing and I couldn't have chocolate either, because it was a snack that had to be picked from hospital's selection. So I am a bit upset with myself. There was also an option with candies, but these induce more guilt, so I decided to pick some nuts and hope to handle my emotions that are about to come.)

Dinner 17:00 - vegetables with boiled potatoes and cream sauce, bread with cheese and butter, toast with cheese and butter, a cup of kefir, an apple. (I am ridiculously upset. I cannot handle being here any longer, I don't want to keep forcing myself to eat this food, I have just had enough. Tomorrow morning there is another weigh in, which I am kind of looking forward to... I want an assurance that I am not keeping gaining like I hae until now. But at the same time I am scared that I have gained too much.)

Snack 19:30 - ice cream with double chocolate cover and pomegranate-raspberry filling. (This was not as good as I had hoped. Actually today has sucked, so this is also why my ice cream experience was ruined. It was okay. It was good. I have to believe it was.)


My relative gave me this really cute colouring book and it has been good to colour when I have been feeling really frustrated with myself.

Thursday

Breakfast 8:30 - buckwheat porridge, bread and toast with butter and eggs and tomatoes, coffee, peach yoghurt. (Usually there is normal amount of porridge, but whenever we have buckwheat porridge, there is a ton of it. My stomach was fuller than usually and I wish I had had something else. Recently they have added yoghurt to breakfast, which has been more difficult to get down.)

Snack 11:00 - 3 pieces of Milka chocolate with Daim, 3 pieces of Milka chocolate with Oreo cookies. (I have always thought that I did not like Oreos. I have always thought that they are overrated, but actually this chocolate was really good. I could even take all 6 pieces of it another time. I feel a bit better as I had not gained as much as I was afraid of. At the same time I am scared of next weigh in already, the one that is on Monday. I feel like then I will have gained double.)

Lunch 13:00 - salmon with cream souce, rice, peas and carrots, cucumber-tomato-cabbage salad, plum juice, slice of toast, raspberry curd dessert. (It was the first time when I had fish. I actually liked it a lot. And, oh my god, today we did not have bread AND toast, only toast! At the same time I have never really liked plum juice. I am upset that I am feeling better for not gaining as much weight... I wish my emotions were not connected with my weight as much.)

Snack 15:00 - buttered croissant. (I still don't like having pastries or bread, but this is why I decided to pick it - as a challenge, you know. Of coruse I had a lot of guilt for not picking something else after having it though.)

Dinner 17:00 - beetroot borsch, bread and toast, a banana. (My stomach was super full, even though the amount of food did not seem to be as much. I am anxious, which is super annoying. Tomorrow is baking day, which I am already thinking of and this also makes me feel really awful. Until now I have panicked about stuff that had already happened, but I keep thinking of what is going to happen recently. I have weird anxiety cold waves going over my whole body.)

Snack 19:30 - cottage cheese with raspberry jam. (This was easy to eat and I didn't even have too many guilty feelings after it.)



Friday

Breakgast 8:30 - oatmeal, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and cucumber, coffee, strawberry yoghurt. (I could have eaten it all without feeling awful if they didn't make me have the extra yoghurt. My stomach hurts. I feel anxious because of our baking. I wish it was another normal day, where we didn't have to bake, and where we could pick our own snacks. This is the second time I need to bake something here and it is deffinitely more challenging than last week was.)

Snack 11:00 - vanilla pudding, 3 pieces of Milka caramel and peanut chocolate. (The pudding was too sweet, but at least I could have some tea with my chocolate, so I managed to get everything down. The chocolate was good.)

Lunch 13:00 - rice and vegetable soup, bread and toast, dried cruit compote with whipped cream. (The dessert was too sweet and I still dislike whipped cream - I have never liked it. Lunch was not very good, I feel too full. Today we also baked a cake, so for the next snack we will have it.)

Snack 15:00 - coconut filled ice cream. (Everything went to hell and I am really upset. We were supposed to have cake, but it appeared it was still raw and it was put to the oven again. So we had to have our own snack. I took cottage cheese at first, but half of it was frozen due to being at the back of the fridge. And then they told me to have something else so I picked ice cream. So now I have eaten a lot more than others and it makes me super upset. I feel like crying and really shitty. This is so unfair.)

Dinner 17:00 - pasta with vegetables, glass of milk, bread and toast with butter. (Of course, on a day when I am super upset, we are having pasta. This is probably my biggest "fear food". The day that started out well, ended really crappy.)

Snack 19:30 - blueberry curd cream crumble cake, 1/8th. (I have never seen people being so upset at having to eat cake. I am still upset at the previous snack, so this was not easy. Swallowing it. My stomach is really bloated. I generally feel as if all of my body parts are bloated. So big. So this day ends in a negative note.)



Saturday

Breakfast 8:30 - buckwheat porridge, bread and toast with eggs, butter and tomato, banana, coffee. (I hate that I have a different menu and others don't have to have as much food as I do. Also, I am not a fan of buckwheat porridge, there is always too much of it. I wish we had as much oatmeal.)

Snack 11:00 - Kinder Country chocolate. (I had never tried it and it was soo good and crunchy. Perfect with tea. I am feeling a bit better today, so the morning snack was easier than I thought it would be. I miss fresh fruits. We can have them, but they are not counted as snacks and I am so full that I physically cannot have them.)

Lunch 13:00 - boiled potatoes and vegetables, bread and toast, raisin kissell (soup kind of thingy, very sweet). (One of the worst lunches, the meal was so bland and we are not allowed to use extra salt. This felt like wasting a ton of calories, I want food to be enjoyable. And the dessert was horrible as well, way too sweet.)

Snack 15:00 - strawberry curd cream. (It was supposed to be eaten with my lunch as it appeared, but they didn't tell me this. Anyway, it was good and I made coffee with it. The water was not properly boiling though, so it wasn't the best coffee I have had.)

Dinner 17:00 - rice with vegetables and mushrooms, kefir, bread and toast with butter and cheese. (Again I was a bit upset, because others had soup, one slice of bread and yoghurt. I know, I know. I am on a different diet, but still. I was so full. It was the first time I finished eating last.)

Snack 19:30 - cottage cheese with sour cream and dill. (I am glad this snack saga that began yesterday is over now.)



Sunday

Breakfast 8:30 - oatmeal, bread with butter and cheese, toast with butter and cucumber, coffee. (I still did not feel hungry but eating this was okay. Breakfast for me is the easiest meal, so I am not surprised. I am also getting used to having bread in the morning, but it is still bothering me a little.)

Snack 11:00 - biscuit cake Kinder Milk Slice. (I tried something other than chocolate for a change and it was okay, although a bit too soft. Did not have too many guilty feelings after it. After lunch I am going out with my mum and have to have a snack with her. This is a bit stressful already, because the situation is out of my control.)

Lunch 13:00 - beetroot soup, bread and toast, curd cream with kissell (warm berry soup-like thing), multivitamine drink. (I cannot deal with liquid calories. This is so difficult. That is why it is so difficult to have milk, kefir or hot chocolate. They are just wasted calories. I am going out with mum and kind of want to challenge the liquid calories thing...)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla-cherry jam ice cream. (We went to this shopping center with mum. I am disapointed in myself, as I think I would have liked Belgian waffle with ice cream, but at the last moment I changed my mind and we just had ice cream.)

Dinner 17:00 - potato-cabbage-carrot stew, rice, sour cream and dill sauce, tomato and cucumber salad, kefir, bread and toast with butter. (Dinner was huge and it was difficult to handle it. I guess I was also affected by having the snack outside. I keep thinking about that and the fact that tomorrow is weigh in day.)

Snack 19:30 - overnight oatmeal with coconut. (As I got to go to the store, it was difficult to pick something. We got me so many snacks. I felt really bad due to anxiety about tomorrow. I just hope that I have gained a little, but not too much. I would like to gain in a slow, steady manner. I don't know how to get rid of these nerves. I feel like there is a hot wave running over me constantly.)