Monday

Morning weigh in showed that I have lost 200 grams, so my weight currently is 38,7 kgs. I have no idea how this is possible, because I have eaten three times a day + 3 snacks every single day. It seems illogical. I was deadly afraid that 40 kgs will be broken now, but apparently not. Also the doctor warned me that sometimes you gain double, sometimes you can lose a little.

On Mondays we set goals for new week. This time I wish to eat a snack outside and pick something I really would like to try, not follow anorexia thoughts and pick something safe, something I have had already. My mum is coming to visit me again on the weekend so I can try it then. Maybe also with a friend, if I can get a permission to go out (which I really hope that I can do soon).

I am disgusted by all the anger I have in me. Every little thing makes me super upset and in addition to my first emotion, usually panic, sometimes even hysteria, I am accompanied by anger. It is directed towards everything and everyone and at one point it changes into anger towards me myself. It is sooooo difficult to break through it. Nurses have told me several times that they have taken the control from me and that I should be angry at them, but this is also unfair.

Tuesday

Again, another super difficult day. Actually I feel like this was even more difficult, than yesterday, even though I believed I had hit the rock bottom. Apparently things could still get worse, and a lot.

I have discovered that my body dysmorphia is getting worse. It means that I see myself differently than I atually am. I feel as if I am so big, my hands weel swollen, my stomach is bloated, my thighs have gotten thicker. I have become bigger in my face. I don't even know if I have changed in reality, because even looking into the mirror, I am just... fatter. I wish this feeling went away. Logically thinking, I do understand that 2,5 kgs of weight gain does not change my appearance that much. But what my eyes see is completely different. This is impossible to deal with.

I hope that tomorrow is going to be diffrent and maybe I will have a better day. At least I can go out with a friend, which should motivate me. I dunno. At the moment I feel so low that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Wednesday

Morning was better and up to a point my emotions were generally okay. At one point tough, my feelings changed and I started to become anxious and afraid again. Fear - this word, this emotion, has a lot to do with anorexia. You are afraid of weight gain, you are afraid of eating, you are afraid of losing control. You are constantly obsessed over the sickness and you are constantly afraid.

Today I am going out with my relative. They also told me that I can have a snack outside. There are three thoughts in my head right now:

1. I don't have a snack, but I tell them that I did. This is obviously the worst, but most tempting.
2. I will come back by the snack time. This feels the safest and I feel that I am not ready eating something outside.
3. I have my snack outside. This I will do, only if my relative wants to have something as well.

Actually now that I think about it, I could have had something outside. Anyway, I got back to the hospital by 19:30. I am at least a bit proud that I didn't let myself to go with the first thought. Now, if I could stop thinking about tomorrow's weighing, I could go to sleep in peace.

Only one moment of being upset today, which is a good change.... and actually it was fun to walk around in the department store. We went to a bookstore and spent legit hour in there. :D A lot of stuff I would like to read. And for me, I was surprised I like some poetry. As my friend said - I hadn't discovered the right poems for me. Which is true. I accepted my appreciation for poetry when I went to a bookstore in Tallinn and went through Rupi Kaur's book. At the same time my relative showed me her favourite Estonian poetry writer's stuff and well... it was kind of good too?

Thursday

Today's weigh in went exactly as badly as I was afriad. I had gained 0,8 kgs, so my weight is currently 39,5 kgs. I know that this it not a lot, but for me it is so much. I just want to gain in normal tempo, not like it has been until now.

The stupidest thing is that in my head, weight gain of 0,5 kgs would be acceptable. This right now was more by 300 grams, and it causes me such pain. As if someone had died. And at the same time I didn't gain anything last week. Just this huge change is so awful and scary. I don't know, I cannot deal with myself any more and I keep wanting to just leave the hospital. And go back where I was before that. At least I wouldn't hurt as much.

Pain and fear. I didn't know you can feel them so intensely on the mental level. Usually they are connected to some physical reaction.

I don't know how I will manage until Monday. 3 kgs and 300 grams and I haven't even been at the hospital for 3 weeks yet. This is killing me.

I will try and translate all the posts I have missed until now, if anyone cares. I just wanted to get this post out first, as I need to get this shit out of my head.

Also, I have participated in several seminars of last year doctor's degree students. I have told my story 8 times now, I almost remember every single bit of it by now.