Fresh emotions from morning get together - I managed to cry openly, and a lot.

Today morning we were weighed again, which meant that in 4 days I have gained additional 1,2 kgs and my weight is now 38,7 kgs. I know that this is necessary and it helps me to get out of here sooner, but this is too much and too fast. I just feel like I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to exist alltogether and this emotion is getting stronger and stronger.

At breakfast I was really bothered (as I was during last night's dinner) that others got only one slice of bread, but I had to have breand AND toast. I understand that I am on pescetarian diet, which means that amount of food I need to eat is bigger, but this just flipped. It made me feel even worse.

They keep telling me that this is normal, that my illness is getting stronger the more I fight it. But no. My brain just cannot handle it.

I hope I get to talk to my doctor today and maybe discuss the gaining weight issue. I guess I just want to know if this is normal. I want them to reassure me that it is and the situation will stabilize. I want someone to tell me that it won't be like this for forever and that I will not gain weight for forever. Because right now I feel it is like this.

Today we made an agreement that the nurses help me with picking a snack. Which is also difficult. I guess I will take the morning snack and let them choose something for me from the huge box of sweets I got from a friend. I still want to feel in control and I want to be free while making my decisions, but me thinking about this thing all the time is not freedom. So maybe this agreement will help me. We shall see. And if everything goes to hell, then I have this blog to share my honest emotions, right? :D 

Okay, well, I didn't see my doctor today and I couldn't ask about going outside. Instead I got to meet with my psychologist, and it seems that she is better than the one I saw in Tallinn. We discussed about a lot of topics and talked about stuff I never thought had any importance. I will see her again on Thursday already. She also confirmed that I will probably stay here for several months...

I am still not happy with having dinner so early. Do you have any idea how boring it is to just sit around, doing nothing? I guess I could find someone to visit me, but at the same time this is also very difficult. I never know what to talk about, I don't know what to say. So I am sorry if you are coming and I am just super awkward or don't tell you to come at all. Honestly I guess I am... embarrassed. For being here. For being upset over things like gaining weight. For just writing this year. So much embarrassment.