I Won't Quote

As it was my sister's birthday on 31st of August, we needed to celebrate it. For that, in the morning I booked us a table at F-Hoone. I have been there a few times before and the menu seemed really good, something for the both of us.

Atmosphere

We were super lucky! We got a separated table by the window and I have been wanting to be seated there from the first time I visited this restaurant. :D Finally it happened. We made ourselves look pretty - it was a birthday! - and getting to our table, we were pleasantly surprised.

F-Hoone was full of people as almist always. Even though it was Monday evening at 18:30. :D Anyway, I am glad they are doing well. The rooms there are big and made by bricks, but people's chat can't really be heard and it is like a nice white noise. :D

Menu is also really good, and I especally liked that it had vegetarian and vegan options brought out separately. And it has a wide selection of drinks. Actually, picking a drink took us the longest. :D

Service

Our server was a really nice girl! Honestly, it was really nice and a lot different from our last dinner out. :D 

Anyway, we managed to pick out meals, but picking drinks was really difficult. She came to ask at the right time, if we have decided, and also gave out good suggestions. Finally we did pick according to her suggestions and we were not disappinted. And I really liked that she didn't come to our table too often to ask, if everything was okay. In the end, yes, but not constantly while we were eating. :D This has happened before.

So yeah, the service was really good.

Food

For food, my sister picked Nasi Goreng, meaning Indonesian fried rice with chicken and I took Vegan Furger (rye bread bun with vegan kebab, beetroot hummus, prsley-chilliaioli, tomato and red onion. With additional sweet potato fries).

Honestly I haven't had such a giid meal in a while. My sister was also please with her selection, but the thing I had!!! This kebab was so real, even my sister was like, is this actually vegan. :D Anyway, it was also quite big of a challenge at the same time.

I have been thinking for a while that I want to go to a restaurant and have a burger. I have always been jealous of people who have just done it. I have always thought that this is not meant for me. But why? I have no idea. It is allowed! It doesn't matter that it had hummus. It doesn't matter it had deep fried sweet potato fries (they were amazing!), it doesn't matter that it had roasted onion on top. This all was so good together and I was really pleased. I got full enough, but not too much. Everything was enough and the combination of foods perfect. Honestly, I really recommend this to both vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters. You won't regret it.

I don't know if the fact that for burger buns were of rye bread made it easier or tougher... honestly, I think it made it more difficult. White bread or normal burger buns are usually lighter and have less calories than bread. (Honestly I wish I didn't know this, but I do...) So yeah, a challenge.

But on this day I was very good and had all of my meals and snacks and didn't pass on anything. Which is huge for me. I really wanted to skip something, but I didn't do it. I send pictures my sister as well, like see, this is my morning snack (chocolate), this is my lunch and this is my lunch snack (also chocolate).

Then we also wanted to have something to drink and we really thought about everything from cider to lemonade to beer and wine and cocktails. Our waitress recommended two cocktails: Chilli Queen (which my sister picked and that had hibiskus gin, rose lemonade, chilli syrup, lemon juice and basil) and Rosebud (which had Crafter's gin, rose lemonade, thyme, rosebuds and lime juice. I asked them to skip the thyme as I have a trauma from it. :D).

We picked two different drinks so we could try more stuff. I think I liked the one my sister got more - as the time passed, it became more spicy and it was really interesting. Anyway, I highly recommend those. Other cocktails in the list seemed interesting as well, but as I am gin fan, I was pleased. My sister was also happy with our selections.

Recently it seems that we have been out for food quite often, but it happens. I want to try more places. List is long, and I do have time, but I feel bad for spending so much. :D In reality I would like this blog to just be reviews of restaurants.

Also, at one point I watched some youtuber with an eating disorder and she talked about how she got better. She said that during the most difficult time, she always ate out. Just to take this load of deciding about how much to have away. Also she said she always ate everything that she ordered, which I also do. Because if I leave something once, I get this feeling that the next time I need to leave more or the same amount and so on. That is why I never make food for 2 days at home as well. Because I don't know how much I would have to leave for the next day and so on. It makes me stressed. What if I want to have more food today? Then there is not enough for tomorrow. What will I add to it then? Also it is good to eat out because the portions are usually bigger than I would get for myself and I need to eat more to gain weight. So win-win.

So, who wants to go and eat something with me?

Saturday

On Saturday the concertst started quite earlt - at 15:30 already. Before those, I went to the town to pop by my favourite coffee vagon, Roots coffee bar. During the corona quarantine, they had a really cool "coffee window" where me and my friend went several times (basically you ordered through a window and they sent your coffee down in a basket). Anyway, really cool people, good coffee and cool idea.

After that, I went to Telliskivi again and decided to go to F-Hoone, where there were performances by LAGI records company, who base on rap and hip hop.

Firstly it was time for Apollo, who I don't even know what to say about. I quite liked it, even though the words were... quite boring to be honest. It wasn't anything specail. It kind of reminded me some Norwegian artists, which was a big plus, because I am a fan. Especially Norwegian hip hop and rap. The artist seemed like a nice person and I was sad there wasn't more people listening to him.

In general I thought that the weaker artists were more during the day and that they will get better as time goes by, but it was the opposite. :'D I hope I am not too strict, but this is how I felt.

Next it was time for Kriipsu-Uku, whose words I just didn't understand. But they said that the music tracks are also made by him, which was cool. He had a nice style. When I interviewed Tommy Tee a few years ago, he said that the beat is the most important thing when creating a song and Kriipsu-Uku had done this. I don't know what else to say about him.

Next it was turn of NEO, who I don't even remember. I guess he was similar to the others, meaning nothing special. At this point I also felt that I was too tired of listening to the same kind of stuff, I didn't even stand up to listen to the artists, not to mention taking pictures. I thought of moving somewhere else, but there weren't any other concerts at that point yet. So I stuck around. After him it was turn of Manna, who I really did want to see.

Manna was good. If there wasn't her performance, I would have been really disappointed in this day. It was really nice to see a female artist. Her presence, songs and everything was different and fresh. Finally I gathered enough strength to stand up and jam along! I think we will hear about her in the future. She is worth it.

Then it was väike kelder's turn, where they had a lot of memebers but what was quite terrible. :D I am really sorry, please forgive me! One song was acceptable, but in general it felt as if they really missed the tone? I mean, it was as if they were yelling along to a song in a club. This wasn't enjoyable. I think they have a lot of room to grow and get better. But this one song shows that at least they COULD do something better as well.

And finally I listened to the Kaw, but I really couldn't do more than him. His songs were just okay, I can't bring out anything specific. Anyway in general all of the artists mashed together in my head and I think it was just too much too fast. But in general, this day wasn't too bad either. It will be interesting to see where they go from here, definitely. At one point I am sure we will hear about them.

Anyway, I recommend checking out Manna and give a chance to Apollo. Regarding others, I am a bit doubtful, but they can prove me wrong.

Then for the last concert I picked Mari Kalkun, and she was awesome. It started to rain, but this didn't ruin the experience. She is really different and enjoyable and it was really good to listen to her, a change from all this hip hop and rap. This is very Estonian and simple. Exciting.

Unfortunately I didn't go and see anyone else after her, because I was cold and tired and I was so tired. Tallinn Music Week definitely wasn't what it was in 2018.

Like in general I expected a lot more artists or names that I had heard before. This year wasn't so good. There weren't many "main" events, there was no vibe of 2018. So I would say that the level has gone down. But at the same time I understand this - it was supposed to happen in spring and a lot of artists couldn't come due to corona. So I guess they still did their best. But I am sure that there is room for progress.

I really hope I get a chance to participate more events like this and share my thoughts. I really would like if people read this, lived it with me and enjoy it. I want only good things to happen to all of the performers, I want them to get what they deserve. I want to share a positive message and be happy with them.

Anyway, I wrote down quite a list of artists I would like to listen to in the future!

Friday

On Friday I wanted to see Kristjan Järvi and Ott Lepland, but it appeared that for this concert you needed an extra ticket. I didn't want to get it, as it was quite short performance and the price was simply not worth it. I am a bit sad and I wish they had told this to press in advance...

Instead, I went to Telliskivi again to listen to a Finnish artist named Tomi Saario. I had listened to some of his songs preciously and I was quite excited to see him live. He has a good, carrying voice and I really liked his presence. Songs in general talked about love, which I couldn't really align with, but it did seem that he was master at putting words together. It was a joy to listen to him. At the same time I would say that his performance was like a one long song, because it was all in the same style and it kind of became one. But he was pretty good and I do recommend checking him out. Maybe he reminded me a bit of Ed Sheeran, to be complerely honest. And I am not a big fan of Ed, so yeah... :D But it was nice!

Next I thought to listen to Ariadne, but instead I decided to pop by F-Hoone to see what is jonas.f.k about... and this was the first surprise of the night! I don't understand why they have so few likes on their Facebook! This was awesome and it seemed that the people loved it. It was kind of like a mix of pop, electronic and alternative music. The singer had such a good stage presence, he pulled the people in, everyone seemed to lean forward, as if he was to drop the secret of a lifetime. And his... "I don't care" appearance... it matched so well. Anyway, I am OBSESSED!

As jonas.f.k made such a good appearance, I decided to stick around and see what else TIKS records has to offer. And the next performer was EiK. EiK was called... a rapper who is not a rapper. And the first song... I didn't like. It was kind of telling a poem in music and I am not a fan of poetry. But I decided to stick around and give him another chance and I am super glad I did it! Because the next songs were amazing and overwhelming in a good way. It was like music, like poetry, like songs - everything together. Best way to enjoy these three things. This was a great surprise for me! I don't understand how he has so few fans once again. :D I wish that my post made at least one person to check him out. Then I can say my work is done in this world. :D EiK is definitely not for everyone, but even people who don't like him have to admit that he has some serious skills.

In addition I wanted to listen to a lot more artists on Friday, but my health was concerning and told me that this was enough. I don't know if I was too tired or what was up, but I just couldn't stay and listen for more. Instead I headed home. Besides, if I was really sick, I didn't want to spread it. At the same time the next day I was completely fine, so I saw a lot more performances and I still feel good. I guess it was just that I was super tired from the work week, but what can you do. I wish it didn't happen. But at the same time... I am happy. I am happy that I saw the artists that I mentioned. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself and think that I need to see every single artist from the time performances start until the next morning. I want to enjoy music and doing it under pressure is not it. It loses it's magic when forced.

Also I have tried to stop writing down what exactly I like. I don't say that EiK's rhythm was good or jonas.f.k's guitar solo made my fingers tingle. I want to just tell people that their music is cool, worth a listen, exciting, different, amazing, surprising, living. I want people to listen to their music simply because they like it. I don't have to tell why I like it - it can be as simple as "I just like it".

One more day and then I will write more about the music and my mental health in regards to it. :)

Today's post is a little different, as I was press representative at Tallinn Music Week.

Thursday

TMW hit it off on Thursday, 27.08. At first it was supposed to happen in March-April, but due to corona it was postponed. I can totally understand this. At the same time I am really sad that a lot of the foreigh artists couldn't come even now, because they set this 2 week quarantine norm again. So mostly it was all about Estonian artists, with some odd ones out (for example Latvian, Finnish, Norwegian and I think one Hungarian).

Firstly on Thursday I attended Carnival Youth's concert, who performed at Telliskivi Creative City in an open air. We were lucky with the weather - it was a bit chilly, but it was clear and not rainy at least. This would have been awful. What can I say about them though... it was a nice band. It was a bit weird that I enjoyed some songs a lot, but didn't care at all about the others. They had a lot of different things going on. At the same time I think it is positive, because everyone can find something they like. But I don't think I have come across a lot of bands whose songs I really like and dislike at the same time. Anyway, it was a good start to the festival.

Next, it was INGER's performance, who had quite decent songs. I saw her on Estonian TV, but I didn't know much of her. This was nice, chill music. I really liked some of the songs a lot, while others just left me with no particular emotion. Also, there were quite a few people listening, which was sad, but also good - with the corona and all. Anyway, Inger was really sweet, she seemed a bit stressed and nervous, but this made her very charming and warm.

At one point I decided to move on and went to Fotografiska to listen to Puuluup. And this was a huge surprise! I haven't heard anything as interesting and different in a long while, I highly recommend you to check them out. People were living for it, they were dancing and everyone were completely obsessed. Neozombiepostfolk is indeed a word to describe them. I would really love to just attend their solo concert, if I happened to come across one. I am really glad for them!

In addition to these concerts, I wanted to see what Kadri Voorand was all about, but... it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. I can't even describe it - maybe in some different context I would like it (like when I had dinner at a restaurant and she was playing live?), but on this evening it wasn't anything special to be honest. Of course her music has something that is beautiful and likable, but I don't know, maybe I was too tired already or had listened to way too much music already, but this just didn't sit well with me. :D

I randomly talked to one music producer from Italy, who really liked Estonia and who was really excited he happened to be here during Tallinn Music Week. We talked about how sad it is that most people can't earn a living working only with music. A lot of the journalists and producers and artists have a different job on the side. Like this Italian guy worked as a lawyer during the day.

I am not a person who would really start talking to strangers, but this was an interesting chat. At first he approached me to compliment my mask (I got one, because I thought that even if it doesn't help, it adds the feeling of security and maybe people won't actually bump into me when they see this) and then we got talking. These kind of chats are ALWAYS super interesting and I would love to talk to more people like him.

I thought for a long time if I want to write about this topic, but came to the conclusion that why not. At the same time I want to warn you that this post has a lot to do with alcohol consumption, so proceed with caution.

I just wnat to be throughout and honest and write about these... taboo topics as well. Maybe it helps someone, makes them think or something. I don't know. I read one Estonian blog about ED recovery and relapse and I want to be just as honest as the author of this blog.

Alcohol and eating disorders have a strong connection. There is even a term that connects eating disorders with alcohol, called drunkorexia. You can read more about it on here.

Anyway, I wanted to say that simetimes I like to enjoy a glass on wine with my dinner. I admit that at first I skipped a snack to do so, exactly as the symptoms go - you think that you "save" caloreis on food and use them for drinking. But this is not okay, this is not good. It is not healthy to drink on an empty stomach (not that drinking is healthy overall, right) and it damages your body a lot. You will get drunk faster and it affects your organs more. It is the best not to go down on this path.

When I thought that through, I made wine to be an extra, fourth or fifth snack. And this was completely fine until I started gaining weight fast. After that I was back to restricting snacks, although not every single time. It is just... difficult to deal with this situation and find a good solution to it. The right thing to do would be not drink and eat healthily and enough, to get calories from FOOD. That is the whole point. At the moment I have this really difficult time and I need to tell these things to myself over and over again, or I... don't forget them, really, but anorexia thoughts will get the best of me.

I went to see a psychologist on Thursday and I was also weighed. I haven't gained weight now recently, but she was very happy that it had at least remained the same. Compared to previous times, where it constantly has gone down (except for the last time before this visit). This doesn't mean I can have easier time. If anything, it means I need to fight even more, get my weight up and keep at it. But I am so tired. I am so done with having these conversations with me and I don't feel as if there is much progress. I am just so frustrated at myself.

But yeah, during summer, there is more alcohol consumption than normally, I mean there are BBQs and events with family and friends. As I mentioned in the previous post, the work trip was indeed difficult. I have now gotten mostly over it, but right after that the guilt was crushing.

More about alcohol - I have Googled calories so many times. To know how much energy does a glass of wine or a bottle of beer gives. Yes, I have looked up cocktails with less calories and have done a lot of research. My head is full of information I can't seem to delete. But one day I will be back in a position where I can have a glass of cider with my friends and now feel guilty about later. Or have a glass of red wine with my dinner. Without feeling shit.

When I was younger, I had this period where I partied a lot, I don't know how it was possible to feel free during that time. :D I want  to be this free spirited Signe again, who is not bothered by these things. I want to have pizza, enjoy pasta, taste ice cream. I want, I want, I want. I want so many things. Every day I am taking steps towards it, so things are not too shabby to be honest.

In general whenever I see my doctor and have told about my feelings and emotions and my appointment is almost over, she brings out positive things that I should focus on. And this is good. Stuff often seems rough and I feel like a failure, there is a dark cloud over my head, but these thoughts, plans and stuff just give me a breather and it is a ray of sunshine in this dark world.

I don't have as much to write about this topic as I thought at first. Maybe because I am not a big drinker and usually what I have is just one glass of something, but yeah. I just wanted to note it down. I have gotten comments about "you are so brave for drinking wine", but I wanted to say that this has nothing to do with being brave and it is very-very difficult for me.

Now the first day of Tallinn Music Week is over and first concerts have been attended. I am quite... excited to write more about it. So many interesting artists who I have already seen and there is a lot to still come.

I thought that I would mention what I ordered from iHerb last time. I have ordered from there a few times, and been really happy. Most people seem to order food supplements, vitamins and so on, but I have only gotten food related things. :D

As I am now brave enough to add stuff to my porridge, then firstly I picked this peanut butter and cocoa powder. I tried it the next day and it was really good. I even tried a bit dry with my sister and we really liked it. Like, liked it a lot. My preferred method of having this product is in porridge, but I can imagine that it would also be good when added to yoghurt or something. Or milk. :D It would be peanut buttery hot chocolate and it sounds perfect.

Next I also got regular peanut butter powder. I also have this in my porridge or when I make a sauce out of this, soy sauce and garlic. This is genius combination and I can't wait to make a bowl with it, as I mentioned in my previous post. I also wanted to add that the taste is quite mild, so I add more than the recommended serving size.

Thirdly, and for the last thing this time, I ordered almond butter powder. This didn't have as many good reviews than the other things, but I wanted to try it out. Today morning I made porridge with marzipan flavour drops and this powder and I think it was genius. You also should use a lot more than recommended, because this is even milder tasting.

Once earlier I also got vanilla peanut butter powder, which I highly recommend. Again, really good when added to porridge. :D Anyway. I hope that at one point I will get to adding real peanut butter, but this is enough for now. I mean, even adding this is sometimes really difficult. But I am on my way to getting better! And I promise I will get to real cruncy peanut butter soon.

The other thing that I am too scared of adding, but really want to, is shredded coconut. I didn't have a problem with those for a long time, until I accidentally saw the calories it has. Within a day this was out of my diet. But now I got some frozen mango cubes and what would be a better tropical combo than mango, porridge and coconut?! I also have coconut flavour drops, but it is not it! Everyone who love coconut will probably agree.

Yesterday I went to the store and did get some coconut flakes. So next week I shall try and add them. I think I will manage, even though it will probably be difficult. Sometimes I get the thought that damn, it is nothing, this is just food, just a minor add-in, but the next moment I am like NOPE.

There are a lot more things in iHerb that I would like to try. For example there are many teas, coffees and seasonings that sound really interesting. I also got some pumpkin spice from there once, until I mixed my own later. It was convenient to order it, but making it yourself is much cheaper. I should bring out autumn spices for my porridges. :D Also I want to take pictures of my breakfasts to show how amazing they can be. :D Although they are not really picture-worthy sometimes. Also one thing I have been wanting to try but haven't yet, is rice porridge with matcha. My friend sent me some matcha and I also have some matcha latte sticks and I have used it in the porridge and I really liked it.

Anyways... everything is not positive. So I will write about my panic now.

We have this 2 day work thing, now this week. And until now it was okay, though I was a little stressed. I mean, I can't control what I am eating or drinking and so on. And then the panic came. It was completely random when my hands and LEGS started to shake and I couldn't breathe normally suddenly.

I was in the store at this time and it did not make the situation any more bearable. Yeah, I completely broke down. And I THINK it was all connected to food. The situation ended with me calling my sister and crying, unable to think or do anything. I don't understand what triggered this panic though - everything was okay and then suddenly this panic attack.

I haven't felt panic in a long time. Or emotions in general. Last time I saw my doctor it was actually nice to cry, but after it or before it I hadn't even really cried. I didn't feel sadness, anxiety, panic or anything. I just felt... numb. I mean, I felt guilty about eating sometimes, but it wasn't this physical thing, reaction. It was a mental fight inside my head. So this panic today came as a huge surprise.

But there was something nice that happened as well. I was at my friend's place and we were just sitting, watching TikToks, because sometimes we send them to each other, but there are some we hadn't shared. And I laughed!

Maybe it sounds weird to you, but for me... I laughed! I mean, I do laugh at jokes and make a good face, but there isn't this physical reaction of wanting to laugh. It is just this "polite laughter", when everyone around me laugh. But at that point I really felt that I WANTED to laugh. I needed to. Because the thing was generally funny. This kind of like tickles me. :D I know it sounds strange and you probably don't understand, but this was shocking to me. I thought about it all day and felt nice and warm inside. :D

I want to really tell my eating disorder that it has been paused again. I want to not worry over the work trip. Or not to worry about eating there, at least. I want to be in the moment, take in what I want, drink what I feel like and not think about the calories or how much others eat.

But there has been a bit of a relapse going on. I have so much more GUILT, it is really difficult to deal with it. I haven't felt this "I don't care" for a while and everything... has become so complicated. I feel like I am back at the beginning. I haven't skipped meals or snacks, but they have become smaller, snacks have been halved and so on. Now for a few days I have been really good again and back at the food and snack game, but the mental fight is harder amd I am unable to catch my breath. Even when thinking about something else, the next moment I am back to square one with the guilt and I feel really hysterical.

It is difficult like this. I knew that these low points were coming, it can't all be smooth sailing. The healing doesn't happen overnight. It is not like you wake up in the morning ang you are well. I just didn't expect this... being so sudden.

Now it is Monday morning and I am feeling a bit calmer. At least I don't have this physical panic any more. I rememeber last year during summer I felt this panic so much, it was like 3-4 days of panic attack in a row. At least I am not in that position right now anymore.

But yes. I wanted to share that everything is now good and sometimes I am not motivated and I have a lot of negative thoughts. I think this outing will be fine and I am not really worried anymore, I only hate this guilt I know that is coming after it. This after-guilt is a lot stronger and more annoying. But I don't know, I guess I just need to think that I will get back to my of rhythm and everything will go well. I will try to focus on something else and see what happens.

Have you ever ordered from iHerb? Is there anything interesting that caught your eye?

Me and my sister went out for dinner and we picked a cafe, which was 100% vegan and what I have been wanting to visit for forever, as I have heard so many good things about it.

Atmosphere

Commune Cafe atmosphere and interior are amazing. It was really nice, a bit hipster, but not too much. Kind of minimalistic. I really liked that they have a lot of plants and a lot of room, tables are not too close together. I really liked they used a lot of wood and even dishes matched with the environment.

At the cafe it wasn't too cold or too warm, even though the door was open and we could hear some cars. It did not bother us, though, we barely noticed it and in general the place was really comfy. The location is good as well, and it was nice to see that even on Monday evening the place was quite full. At the same time there weren't too many people so we still managed to get a table. I really don't like to book a table in advance, because I am never sure if I make it in time. Maybe something comes up. I really like to just walk in and get a seat.

Service

Service... was not too good. I honestly felt like an annoying fly and seemed to ruin the waitress' mood. :D We still got our food quite fast and it looked absolutely delicious. Also the cakes they had on offer looked fantastic. I think that maybe the waitress just had a bad day. I have worked in a restaurant myself and I know how it can be. Anyway, I can't tell more about the service.

The owner of the cafe contacted me, though, and I told her about our visit. It was really sweet and I really appreciate it. :) And as I said, I am not holding it against them and I am sure I will visit the place again in the near future.

Food

Me and my sister both got Buddga bowl, which had roasted sesame seed covered smoked tofu, quinoa, peanut butter-lime sauce, edamame beans, avocado, broccoli, sugar snap beas, salad, and roasted cashews.

And it was really good! REALLY good. Everything fit together so well! At first I thought that there was too much sauce and I will probably leave some, but it was amazing and if anything, there was too little of it. And I hadn't had smoked tofu before and it was super delicious!

There were some more things in the menu that I would like to try. For example English breakfast that has beyond meat sausage and I have been wanting to try this for ages. Ramen also seemed so good. So at least two more visits. :D

In general going out to eat caused me a lot of stress, because on the weekend we already went to eat in Little India and I in general had had a lot of food. My last post here was really motivating and so on, but on the same evening the situation got really hard. I had a lot of food guilt and it was difficult to handle my thoughts. It is still difficult right now - I have so much guilt and my motivation is completely gone. I want to go back to where I was...

It calmed me a bit that my sister had the same food as I did. Of course it would have been good to try different  things, as we could have tasted each other's. But this was good as well. In addition to this, we had some vegan ice creams at home and when my sister suggested it, she told me that she could see how it made me upset. Because it was hard, very hard. But in general this was good time and I really like going out for food. We thought that we could visit a new place like this every month. To break me free from the routine and challenge me. But at the same time I want to go back to the same place, as there were many things I would still like to try... But there are a lot of other places I want to visit as well. She wanted to pick a place herself next time, though. :D I don't really have anything against it - giving away control even more.

Also, we thought that we can make something similar at home. I guess it wouldn't be as good, but it was a good insporation. We usually make these kind of bowl dishes with salsa or soy sauce and mayo (for some weird reason this is such a good combo!), but why not use peanutbutter? We really like it with savoury food, for example I have made a sauce of it for spring rolls and my sister still sometimes talks about it. :D

Haven't made any bowl dishes recently, but for some time it was our favourite meal. Just to mix things together in a bowl. Our most favourite one was susho bowl, where all the ingredients are just mixed together. Who has the patience to roll it, am I right? :D

Now I have been making a lot of zucchini dishes, and there will be a lot more soon, because we still have two small ones and one giant one left.

Firstly I made zucchini and tomato bake with onion, which came out amazing. In the recipe it also says you can top it with cheese, which I did. But I would say that it didn't make it much better, so the vegan version is good as well. (Just slice some tomatoes, onion and zucchini, put them in the baking dish, brush some oil on top and add pepper and salt and other flavourings. Bake for 25 minutes in 200 degrees.) With it, I made some fresh tomato-sour cream salad and yum, it was really good!

I added a lot of parsley as well, that is why it looks so green. :D But yeah, we really liked it! 

The next evening we had a really weird combo of food, as I made grilled cheese and oven baked zucchini. I marinated the zucchini in soy sauce, apple cider vinegar, olive oil, garlic and pepper mix for around an hour. Then I roasted it in 225 degrees for about 20-25 minutes. And ready it was. We really liked it once again! And I would say that the more garlic it has, the better. :D

And lastly I made this zucchini stew, and I was lazy and just added onion, garlic and tomato sauce with peppers and mushrooms. It was so good. I used my trusty multi cooker which I have not used in a while. And for the first time I set my own program, meaning I put it on 200 degrees and let it cook for 35 minutes.

Multi cooker is a nice thing. :D On the side I had some more salad, because we have a lot of tomatoes we need to use up. :D

Anyway, there are many more things I want to try. For example oven omelette with zucchini, zucchini curry, and of course pasta and so on. Well, I'll get around to it. It seems that the zucchinis stay fresh for quite some time, so there is time. And also I want to make zucchini burgers someone mentioned in my blog comments... :)

If I only could get over my weird guilt. I just don't understand, it is so overwhelming. For example yesterday I had a lot of guilt over gooseberries. Like, for real. I hope that this is not a start of a relapse, because I am fighting so hard. But the fact I felt better for some time made me feel so nice so now it is extra difficult. I thought that the high was going to last a bit longer.

I am a little stressed about my work trip. I mean, I will not have any control over food and drinks and so on. I keep thinking that I want this to be over already... I want routine. It is weird. Sometimes I think that I want to do many things and go to many places, but at the same time I want my calm routine. I like when I get to go home after work and having not to do anything. I am all the time so fucking tired. Maybe it is because of it. I really look forward to "my time" when I get home and get to sit online or read a book or something. Even on Friday or Saturday evenings, I just want to go home instead of going out. I just don't have anough strength/or even want to do anything. Sometimes I am embarrassed to say this. I don't want to offend anyone. But... it is what it is. I can't help it. And then there is my mum. She is always like "go somewhere, do something". And then when she asks that "weren't you supposed to go there" and I say that yeah, I thought about it, but didn't want to, she replies with "ohhh no", "you should have" and so on. :D And it causes some axtra guilt. As if I didn't have enough of it. :D

I mean I get it that it is nice to go to places and do things, but I don't want to do it all the time. Especially right now. I have a lot I need to deal with, I need to fight this disorder and I just use all of my energy on it. And if I went somewhere or met up with someone, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the moment, because my mind has a lot of other stuff to deal with. And then I feel that I would rather be at home and fight my fights, instead of making others feel miserable. I don't know, it makes a lot of sence in my head. I understand that I can't do this for forever and I should meet people, but I DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH. I don't know how some people do something every single day. I mean, I can do it, if I force myself. But on some occasions I just want to be by myself. :D

I don't know where all this came from, but I just really wanted to get these thoughts out.