Thursday

The only thought in my head is that I don't want to be here any longer. Everything is so awful, I feel sick mentally AND physically, I feel disgusting. If I could just go home, I could follow this same plan. I could go to the hospital for weekly weigh ins or something. I just want to get out of here. I am not here voluntarily and I am not motivated. I am being forced into being here and it becomes clearer and clearer. I am here because I am forced, I am expected. But I cannot handle this any longer.

Friday

Today I am going to have an MRT scan, even though at first they said I didn't need this, as they did it in Tallinn already. Today there is also the family talk, which I am feeling really anxious for. And baking. Or rather making the cake, cause it does not need to go in the oven.

For a moment I thought about going out with my parents for the snacktime, but I think it is better not to. But I want to pop by the store with them. Also I found out the recipe wasn't the one that came up googling, it was something different where it also had a chocolate glaze and they added sweetened condensed milk as well. So if until now it felt rather safe, I don't feel like eating it at all anymore and my hands are shaking badly. Yet I have decided. Also the first snacktime sucked, because I had to have it before MRT scan and I couldn't enjoy it at all. Also it was supposed to be the hospital's selection, but I forgot and took chocolate and a cookie. Now I feel bad, even though I shouldn't...

Yesterday a friend from Tallinn came to visit me and it was so nice. Time went past super fast - even too fast - and she kind of managed to call me down after this awful day, during which I cried just as much as at the beginning. They gave me a calming drink again... I feel like a failure. I talked to my doctor for a moment and she prescribed me sedatives 3 times a day, because obviously I cannot handle this. Which is good. Maybe I will feel a bit better. But at the same time it doesn't help with the bad thoughts, especially with the "I don't want to get better" one.

Eating the snack aka the cake we made was nice. I am feeling really guilty, but it tasted good. It is difficult to focus on the good side, because I have been feeling really uncomfortable from the lunch and I am having serious moments of body dysmorphia.

Family talk went... better than I expected. At the same time things said there were not the best news for me, it was about how long I need to stay at the hospital. And I don't agree with that. I want to gain weight in my own pace and in my own home. I am seriously ready to go and see a doctor every single week, if this is what it takes. But they still did not agree. I cried about it (but I cry about everything so what else is new.) I feel as if I am being tortured and kept inprisoned. And during some moments I am sure I will just quit being here and have myself released. ANYTHING woud be better than this here.

Today's physiotherapy was nice. We did some tensing-relaxing exercises and massaged each other. It was different, but left me with a nice and calm feeling. Soon it is dinnertime already, again eating. I miss the feeling of wanting to eat or being hungry, I haven't felt it for as long as I have been here.

Today's last snack also made me upset again. I had ice cream. You know, like the 250 grams carton. And I had to have half of it and get an extra cookie on top of it. Calories were full before that. I haven't been feeling as shit lately as I felt for this. I feel like I am a fucking pig, who is just being fed here. No one cares what I feel or what it does to me. They can just get their job done and get rid of me and that is it. Great.

Saturday

I haven't felt that things are so unfair for the longest time. I just want to scream and somehow make people understand that keeping me here makes me feel worse mentally than it does me good. But no one understands. I have a feeling that I don't have anyone to trust, no one to tell how difficult it really is. I am not feeling better after crying. Sedatives help with the anxiety, but there are still thoughts, and I cannot get rid of those. I am so tired of fighting with my head, but I have to do it every fucking second. I don't remember the last time I didn't think so much or thought of other things (at least during the times where I was alone; even though with friends I am still feeling physically super uncomfortable). I wish I could show people exactly what is going on in my head. I cannot really explain it in writing or talking, but I want people to understand. I just want others to really understand me, as it is not happening currently.

Sunday

Today started surprisingly calmly for me. My mood is neutral - not good nor bad. I guess there have been some things that have made me upset, but I have managed to get over them and right now I am feeling better than yesterday. Can't say the same about my physical situation - I am feeling super uncomfortable.

Of course I am thinking about the weigh in. What ever comes, comes, and I can't help it, even if I wanted to. I am just scared that the gain is as big or more than last time. It would mean five weeks and more than 5 kgs. I don't know why it is so difficult to accept it. I have to repeat that this is why I am here... but emotions and feelings just don't get it. It is difficult like this. I know that I am here for this, but I still don't want to gain weight. Disgusting.

My friend came to visit and helped me spend 2 hours very nicely. I will now read a bit and try not to think of the morning.

Monday

I have gaineg 900 grams (41,9 kgs). So in a week, 1,5 kgs. Too much. And no one understands me.