Weekends are the worst and go by so slowly. At the same time I am afraid of Monday, due to weigh in....

Monday

Breakfast 8:30 - rice porridge, bread with butter and edd, toast with cheese and cucumber, coffee. (My stomach was more full than usually, I feel really heavy. I was afraid we would have buckwheat porridge again, but luckily not. So at least this is positive.)

Snack 11:00 - 2 oatmeal cookies, Bounty chocolate. (I HATE THAT I TAKE THE NORMAL AMOUNT FOR A SNACK, FILLING THE CALORIES and then they make me take something extra. I hate it. I hate it. So much. I cannot.)

Lunch 13:00 - pureed beetroot soup, bread and toast, bread soup with raisins and whipped cream, glass of milk. (I think this was the worst meal ever. I have never liked this bread soup thingy, and it was made even worse by whipped cream. Today is difficult anyway, why not make it even more so.)

Snack 15:00 - cream pastry. (Again I feel like I was treated unfairly. Snack at 3 has to be from the selection of hospital snacks and there are loads of them. I really wanted vanilla curd cream - I had been looking forward to this from the morning. AND then one nurse said we have to take a pastry. Of course it felt unfair. Of course I was completely upset. And am still, even though it was almost two hours ago. I don't want to be here antmore. I want to go home where I can at least make my own decisions. I can think of many things I would much rather have here. Just this forcing is dricing me nuts.)

Dinner 17:00 - pasta with vegetables, bead and toast with butter, glass of milk. (So today had to be extremely bad - lets ad pasta. Thanks, life.)

Snack 19:30 - yoghurt with almonds and chocolate. (There was a tough battle with myself considering what to pick. Finally I decided for this. Today sucks, lets make it suck extra hard.)

Tuesday

Breakfast 8:30 - oatmeal, coffee, bread and toast with butter, cheese and tomato. (So embarrassing. I managed to drop my food. Of course they gave me another set, but I didn't think something like this could possibly happen. Especially as I have worked as a waitress. So today I am feeling really embarrassed.)

Snack 11:00 - Milka chocolate with Oreo (3 pieces), Milka chocolate with caramel and peanuts (3 pieces). (Second chocolate which I have finished now, is this caramel and peanuts one. Seems like a lot. Guilt... was bigger right after eating, but I am feeling slightly better now.)

Lunch 11:00 - boiled potatoes with carrots and cauliflower, cream sauce, bread and toast, a glass of juice. (Others had salmon, sauce and fresh salad. I wish I had something fresh as well. But overall it was an okay meal. I also got a confirmation that we are not allowed to add salt to the food. Weird rule, but they want us to get used to normal tastes or something. Still I was not a fan of juice due to liquid calories.)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla curd cream. (First time that I felt that I didn't care what I had. It was just something that I had to eat. I didn't especially enjoy it, but it didn't matter and I didn't really want anything else either.)

Dinner 17:00 - potato and vegetable pureed soup, bread and toast with vutter and cheese, banana yoghurt and a banana. (Rest of the day wask ind of normal, but this was too much food. If it had been only banana or yoghurt, but I needed to have both... oh well. My stomach was too full and the soup was kind of strange.)

Snack 19:30 - ice cream with chocolate and hazelnut glaze with salted caramel filling. (The ice cream was very sweet but nice. Guilt feelings come and go.)

Wednesday

Breakfast 8:30 - buckwheat porridge, bowl of cottage cheese, bread and toast with butter, egg and tomato, coffee. (I was so full because of cottage cheese. Even before having it I was feeling full, also buckwheat is really filling. I feel heavy both mentally and physically.)

Snack 11:00 - 2 oatmeal cookies, Bounty chocolate. (Last time the extra cookie made me so upset but this time it was a bit better. I felt as if it was my own choice. But at the same time I am not feeling too great, thinking about tomorrow a lot.)

Lunch 13:00 - rice with vegetables and beans, bread and toast, cabbage-cucumber-cranberry salad, glass of juice, peaches in sugar syrup. (Of course I found it tough, because others only had soup. There was so much rice and juice was just too extra. I think this was the biggest and most difficult meal so far, I feel physically sick now.)

Snack 15:00 - raisin pastry. (Again, no one cared that we should have the option to pick something. We just had to have a pastry. And it was with raisins, which I am not a big fan of, especially in pastries. Today was again so unfair and I can't get rid of these thoughts. No bad thought just leaves me alone. Why.)

Dinner 17:00 - pasta with vegetables, bread and toast with butter, cucumber-tomato salad, glass of milk, peach yoghurt. (Again pasta. Until the last moment I was hoping I was going to have soup as others did, but no. Today there has been so many extra things on the menu, starting with the cottage cheese. I feel sick and I just want to leave this place so badly.)

Snack 19:30 - ice cream. (I was out with my relative and we have something together, even though the time passed super quick and we had to eat while going back to the hospital. The evening was nice and I could think about other things for a change, though right now I am back to worrying about tomorrow.)

Thursday

Breakfast 8:30 - millet porridge, bowl of cottage cheese, bread and toast with butter, egg and tomato, coffee. (Again, this freaking additional cottage cheese! I am still having hard time accepting my weight and this makes it worse.)

Snack 11:00 - Nesquik waffer bar. (This was a spontaneous decision. It was not the best and I wish I had just had some chocolate. But at the same time I could try a new thing. Also had some tea.)

Lunch 13:00 - boiled potatoes with vegetables and cream sauce, salad with cucumber and cabbage, bread and toast, berry soup (kissel). (Today it is difficult to eat. I am trying to make myself numb for meal times and just do it. But yeah, it is difficult. I think more difficult than ever before.)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla curd cream. (I agan went with the safe option and had a safe snack. But at the same time I am letting myself to do that, because today is so awful. At least that is what I am telling myself.)

Dinner 17:00 - cegetable soup, bread and toast with butter, banana. (Hallelujah, finally I have soup as do the others. Even though they have only one slice of bread. At least I feel better having basically the same meal. One more snack left and today is finally over.)

Snack 19:30 - blackcurrant curd cream. (What a relief having eathen that finally. Especially today.)

Friday

Breakfast 8:30 - oatmeal, coffee, bread with cheese and butter, toast with butter and cucumber, vanilla curd cream. (I am so sure I was supposed to have the curd cream on the snacktime, but I was forced to have it right away. Today morning was bad. Also there will be baking today, which I am so not looking forward to.)

Snack 11:00 - sweet pastry. (It was really waste of calories, there was nothing in this bread. It was just sweet dough. Also we are baking a really high calorie cake. And I have sooo much bread in a day anyway. I just feel disgusting with a side of crying.)

Lunch 13:00 - boiled potatoes with vegetables, bread and toast, glass of milk, cocoa cream with strawberry jam. (Again I am having two main meals and not a soup. Others had some nice soup. I feel that this is unfair and this emotion is overwhelming.)

Snack 15:00 - Christmassy carrot cake with cream cheese glaze. (It would have been okay if we had just had the cake. But we had to make more glaze, or there would have been too many leftovers. I can still smell the glaze in the corridor and I just feel like puking every time I smell it. There was so much of it, it was so sweet. We used so much more sugar, butter and stuff than it called for in the recipe. I feel sick and it is ten minutes until the dnner. I was given some medication for my nausea, but I still feel as if I might throw up.)

Dinner 17:00 - rice with vegetables and mushrooms, bread and toast with butter and cheese, tomato-cucumber-radish salad, kefir, peach yoghurt. (Again so much extra stuff and I am feeling super full. I feel as if my pants are too small for me. All the clothes are too tight and I feel heavy and uncomfortable.)

Snack 19:30 - overnight oats with coconut and chia seeds. (Basically I could have done anything if I had been allowed to skip this.)

Saturday

Breakfast 8:30 - buckwheat porridge, coffee, bread and toast with butter, egg and tomato. (At least one meal where I didn't have extra stuff. I still feel pretty awful and it was difficult to eat.)

Snack 11:00 - peanut butter granola bar, oatmeal cookie. (Again I had to add this freaking extra cookie, which I find was unfair, as I had all the calories in the granola bar.)

Lunch 13:00 - pasta with gevetables, bread and toast, raisin kissel (sweet soup thingy), Skyr yoghurt with blackberries. (This. Is. Not. Normal. Hello, physical uncomfortness, hello bloated stomach.)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla pudding, 3 pieces of dark chocolate with sweet filling. (Again too many calories - above what was required - and I feel bad. I don't think I will keep having this food diary any longer, there are nothing but negative emotions here.)

Dinner 17:00 - rice with vegetables and cabbage, bread and toast with butter and cheese, kefir. (Classic "others have soup and one slice of bread" moment. So the bad feelng lingers.)

Snack 19:30 - ice cream. (I wanted to cheer myself up and picked the ice cream where I love the chocolate glaze on.)

Since I find that all of my emotions are the same with foods, I don't think I will keep writing this down. I guess I will touch upon more difficult meals on my weekly review posts. So I guess this will be the last menu post with emotions now.