Misfortune cookie message to me.

Thursday

Because of the morning's weigh in, I needed to be in a wheelchair when going out again. I hope I get to talk about this with my doctor and next time I can walk. I cannot wait for this moment.



Wheelchair joys.

Today I have had so many extra things in my menu from the morning. For breakfast, it was cottage cheese, for lunch it was curd cream. I cannot think about this logically, because for example at breakfast, I had EXACT same meal as others. What was the point of additional cottage cheese? I could understand it for lunch, as others had pork, but not I. But breakfast? And why can't these additional things be more... nutritious and healthy? I just feel like I am eating all sugar.

I got to talk to my psychologist today and she tried to make me set my thoughts about going home aside for at least this week. So I could focus on other things. It is difficult to do, easy to say. Most of our appointment I just cried and repeated how hard I find bing here. I feel like this meeting was not helpful at all, because I made no progress and this is still the only thought in my head.

I understand that considering the situation I am right now, maybe it is not the best idea to go home. But there is so much more behind this all. Maybe it is my illness' idea a bit, but I am fairly sure I could handle it. I have decided to get better. I am not bothered by my weight, I just feel physically so uncomfortable and with this I could deal better at home. If I could wish for something, I'd wish to wake up with the normal weight. I just wish I could cook at home, as now I am brave enough to use rice and pastas and things. Even the idea is making me excited. I could have so many possibilities about what to do an try. I could bake cakes and cookies! I could go to cafes with friends and have COCOA and CAKE. It sounds so much better than hospital. But at the same time I want my friends to be brutally honest to me and say what they think about it. So if you feel like you'd like to have an opinion, please let me know. Straight up and honestly. I will not be upset or get angry. Maybe I listen to it. I am also glad a bunch of people have done it already.

Friday

Again I had an additional yoghurt with my breakfast, even though rest of the meal was exact same. I don't understand these moments - why don't I have additional stuff when there is a reason? I am so used to calculating calories in my head, so I know how much more I am eating compared to others. It irritates me. At home, if necessary, I could have had an additional slice of bread. Or something different. Here I had to have the same yoghurt again, mostly only consisting of sugar.

Today we are also making food for a snack at eleven. We are making rice-smoked fish salad. The thing is that we cannot change the recipe and have to make it for 10 people, even though there are only like five of us. And then we have to have as much of it as we would have for a full meal. And it has mayonaise and sour cream in it that is already a KILO. We will see how this goes.

Haven't been able to talk to my doctor and don't know if it will happen today. At the same time I don't know what I would say anyway. I'd only like to ask if I could walk with others, not use the wheelchair - I have done it so many times. Even slow walking for half an hour would completely boost my mood.

I have tried not to think about going home, but it is difficult, as there are so many things that bother me here and this is the biggest problem in my mind.

Today we had art therapy again, which was nice. I made a small box and topped it with a paper rose. My grandma got me a stone medallion ("nature's strength") which I wear during the day and can now store in this box. So yeah, this was nice.




I wish I could go out with someone. Tomorrow my parents and sister are coming, as I mentioned before. We are going to have lunch and possibly have a snack with them too. We shall see tomorrow, how everything goes. But like... I want to go outside more. I would give a lot to just go to the shopping centre on Sunday, but no. I have a permission to go outside 3 times per week, and tomorrow is the third time already. I need to have a better plan next week.

The snack aka our rice salad was pretty good. At the same time I was bothered by how much we had to eat and that we also needed to drink juice. Liquid calories are still difficult for me and bother me a lot. I wouldn't have minded having more salad instead of it - again another thing I could have done at home, but which can't be done here and which makes me want to leave.

I didn't have a chance to talk to my doctor after all, even though I wish I did. Maybe I get to do it on Monday. Then we also have the weigh ins and stuff (which I am already a bit scared for, as there was no gaining bt Thursday and I just know it will be double on monday). I want to know my MRT results. At first they didn't give me an MRT scan, saying that my previous one was okay, but they apparently changed their mind.

I have been feeling super full all day and it is bothering me a lot. I constantly feel as if I just got home from a birthday party with a lot of food. It is literally pulling on my skin, my stomach is so full. I want to go home where I could wear something comfortable and feel more at ease. It is difficult.

I am kind of looking forward to tomorrow, kind of not. I just wish this week was over so I could make future plans.

Saturday


Today my family came to visit, which was surprisingly nice. I was afriad that most of the topics are focused on my illness, but it wasn't like that. We managed to talk about a lot of different things, but of course we did talk about this as well.



We went to a restaurant which I had looked up and which was very nice. I especially loved handmade bread with butter, which my parents also bought a loaf of for home. For a snack, I went with a smoothie as we went to a department store to walk around for a little bit and there weren't many options. It was kind os safe but also difficult - liquid calories. I felt nice, as if I was a normal person.

Now being back at the hospital, it is quite difficult. I feel lonely and sort of tired, I don't really want to talk to anyone, even though others are chatting in the kitchen. I feel sad. I still want to go home. The thought or plan with the psychologist (not thinking about going home this week) hasn't really worked. This is the only thing in my mind and it is really difficult. I have tried to put what I want to say into words, but I feel like I haven't done it well enough.

Sunday


In the morning I was in a good mood. For a good minute or so, because then the breakfast ruined everything. I wish it was Monday and the weigh in was over. I want to discharge myself already. I promised not to think about it this week, but these emotions are so strong and it is the only thing in my mind. I want to eat at home and pick my own meals, I want to do it before I reach my normal weight, I want to allow myself to have things outside the hospital. I cannot handle this here. It literally pains me to be here. I feel so so so so so bad. And this is not the illness in me saying this, illness' thoughts have become much less. This is, honestly, me, who thinks that.

Time passes really slow today and I am bored. I want to go outside - even if it is just for half an hour. I need to remember to ask the doctor if I can go out more than three times a week. It is unfair to sit inside and stare out of the window. We had some rare sun and I was stuck here, imprisoned and being tortured. I am trying to plan the next week for a bit - mum is coming on Saturday and on Wednesday I am going to visit my relative. One more outing then. Maybe set it for next Sunday, because during the week there are more things to do at the hospital.

Monday

I had weight gain of 400 grams, meaning I am now 42,1 kgs. Emotions are really strong, we had to set small goals for our illness. In addition I am back to thinking about going home. I wouldn't have to compare myselg to others and I could make more logical decisions. For this week, I am trying not to compare my foods to other's. Especially the additional things and so on.

Also! I just met with my doctor. I can go home on 29th of November, but I have to come back for a month in January. I don't know if I should feel relieved, happy or scared. All emotions are at once. I have been wanting to go home so bad, but I still did think I'd have to be here until Christmas. But she said that she can see that I am desperate and reached my limit and their goal is not to torture me. At least I know what is ahead. Not knowing something is the worst.

During the walks I still need to be in a wheelchair, but my MRT scan was okay, so this is also good news. Just before meeting the doctor I got double dosage of calming mixture, so I feel really weird right now.

To end this post, I wanted to say that "Veronika Decides to Die" is a good book. I recommend.