It will be four weeks or one month on Monday. This is a long time, though it has went past extremely fast. That could I say? That things are not going to get easier. Meal times are just as difficult. Life won't become easier. My tears are not drying, my guilt is not passing, my anger won't subside. It is difficult. So fucking difficult.

As days pass by, the whole situation is becoming more and more hopeless and the only thing I have in my head is that I want to go back to the time where I was not at the hospital yet. I don't even care where I would have ended up, I just want to go back. It was easy, it was safe. I was living, my health was okay. I haven't had a flu for about two years, my health is quite strong. I haven't even have a proper stuffy nose! I could handle my work, take care of the flat, despite difficulties hand out with my friends. I drew, I wrote and did those challenges here. I was scrapbooking and filling my bullet journal. I watched series and enjoyed being with my family. I walked around a lot. I felt physically good, for real. Why wouldn't I want to go back? The only thing wrong was maybe my lack of emotions, and I didn't have as much strength as I would have liked. But this didn't bother me as much.

Thursday

After my weigh in where I had gain 700 grams, I just want to cry myself empty. But there are no tears. It hurts so much. I feel disgusted with myself; I cannot even look at myself. I feel awful both physically and mentally.

I was supposed to meet my psychologist today, but she didn't come. I was really upset after the meeting we have after each meal so I really wanted to talk to her. I don't even know what happened. Anyways I feel awful and I cannot see a brighter side. I just hoped I can talk these emotions out or something.

I don't want to go and talk to nurses AGAIN, how awful and shitty everything is and how I am bothered about everything again.

I still did it. Or rather, one of the nurses came to my room to talk to me as I was obviously upset. At least I finally could cry and am feeling a bit better now. No, these emotions and feelings have not disappeared, but they are a bit lighter now. I am not denying that it may all just snap back in an instant. At least for a moment I feel like I can breathe again.

I can now participate in physiotherapy. First two times when I was there we just stretched a little and did some breathing exercises. This time we stretched again, but a little more, and tried to learn how to feel our bodies. Try to find out where we are feeling tense and tried to make the tension leave with movements and breathing. It did help a little, but my head was so full of worries I constantly lost focus.

Tomorrow is the baking day, which I am not looking forward to at all. I am not looking forward to tomorrow in general. Or the day after tomorrow. Or the day after the day after tomorrow. I just want to disappear and not worry.

How my eating disorder made me not respect the rules here

I didn't follow the rule that is set here at the hospital and I am really embarrassed. We get this portioned out butter every morning and evening and we have to use it all. I have been cheating a little and not done this. One of the nurses checked me today and found out about it. This embarrassment is real. She said that it is okay, it is not me and it is my illness doing this. That she is upset with the illness. I still feel awful for doing something like this. It is so difficult to follow this rule. And why I did this? Just for few calories that doesn't even matter? I guess it shows really well how stuck this anorexia is in my head and how strong it is, too. It is time to follow this rule. The worst thing - when we sometimes go over the rules during our meetings, I am the one to repeat "use all the butter" each time.

Friday

We just finished baking, which was a lot worse than I had expected. I am already terrified of eating cakes and we picked Christmassy carrot cake with cream cheese glaze. There would have been leftovers, so we had to use even more sugar, butter and cream cheese than the recipe called for. Which meant it was too much. TOO MUCH. I just cannot enjoy it. It would have been difficult in any case, but now it is even more so.

There was so much glaze in the end that I felt physically sick. I was feeling so bad that they had to give me some medication for nausea. In general today was horrible and nothing went as I hoped or planned. So many negative thoughts, so many emotions and want to hurt myself and so much hopelessness. It doesn't help to try and think about positive things - they feel so pointless and not important.

One of the nurses suggested I write a letter to my illness. One to anorexia as my friend and one to anorexia as my enemy. I think right now it would be much easier to write the friend one, everything was so god and safe. Maybe I will try this at one point. Maybe I could read this to my psychologist.

Saturday


The whole day passed as if I was asleep. Time went by quickly, even though I had nothing to do. The fact that we have to eat in every two hours makes this rythm. This is good, as weekends here are  agonizing.

I watched some movie for a bit - actually I have watched quite a few movies here. I also started watching Gone Girl, but decided I want to see something easier and funnier. On this category, I have watched The Perfect Date, Tall Girl and Sierra Burgess is a Loser. All of them were pretty good. I totally recommend them. (Should I write a review post? I don't have anything better to do here anyway...) If someone has seen them, please let me know. Or if you have something to recommend, I would really like if you told me! Please!!!

Pühapäev

Today we had EKGs done again. And checking the blood pressure, which they do every single day
anyway. I really hope that  can talk to my doctor on Monday. I would like to discuss my plan, for example if they would like to make the dosage of my antidepressants higher again - it is so difficult for me to handle life and discussing this with somebody made me realise that maybe my self-hurt and suicide ideas are brought on due to lack of the normal dosage.

I would also like to know the results of my bone density test - I have been waiting for three weeks already. Maybe I can also agree on the family talk time. I am afriad my doctor will not have time on Friday, but it is the only time when my parents could come. At least mum will be back then and if not for family appointment, maybe she can just come and visit me.

Also today I get to go and visit my relative. I said I want to go over her home-library. I have been reading quite a lot but I still wouldn't mind some extra books. Besides it would be nice to sit down and just have a chat instead of walking around at the mall. There is some hope. I need something to shift my focus from tomorrow's weigh in.

I don't even know how I want it to go. I hope that I haven't gained weight - then I would be exactly on schedule - 4 weeks and 4 kgs. If I have gained something, I will probably be super upset and there would be several difficult days ahead of me. I don't know why it still affects me so much and why I am so afraid of it. This would bring me many good things! I could get home sooner, maybe at one point I could start working out and running again. Maybe I would feel better. I hope I can enjoy Christmas, trip to Japan and just being with other people without constantly worrying about food and feeling of hunger. But at the same time it is so hard. I just wish tomorrow morning was over already.

Monday

I have gained weight, as I was afraid of. 200 grams (40,4 kg) but still. Four weeks and more than 4 kgs. This feels so much and I can see how my body has changed, even though others may not notice. But I am really bothered by it.

My mood is... sort of neutral. You could say I am feeling numb. Something may happen every second that may make me really upset, but I try to stay away from it. Weigh ins don't get better and I am already afriad of Thursday, as I have always gained loads more by then...