Globus Estonia sent me their products as a gift. Can't wait to go home and cook something with it.

Thursday

It has been hard. Morning snack was bigger than I would have needed and during the lunch snack I had to have extra candy, that threw me off. From meal times, the dinner was too big - oily pasta and all this additional stuff versus soup for others.

I have been trying to make some plans for December. I want to meet people, eat out, just learn how to work and live again. I feel like I need to fill my schedule, before they take my freedom again. For example I want to go to Christmas market and have mulled wine. Go eat at this vegan cafe. Go out with my sister. I even have a long list of things I want to do and where I want to go.

I have been trying to make up some menus for myself, which are then looked over by nurses. I will definitely write more about what I eat here, and add some pictures. To see how anorexia is treated by eating. I am a little afraid that the portions I will be having are going to be TOO big, compared to normal or what I am having here.

I think maybe I should write an example here, which the staff said is okay. They seem to be quite complicated recipes, but at the same time - I am not allowed to move around much, so what else do I have to do during the weekends than to cook. This is just a random example which the nurses agreed on, but at what they still gave me some critisism and mentioned I need to have huge portions -

Breakfast: oatmeal with peanut butter and berries, 2 slices of homemade bread (the one homemade bread I had with my parents at the restaurant, I am going to buy so much of it) with butter and cheese.

Snack: chocolate bar.

Lunch: Vegan meatball soup (I can finally try out this Anamma brand!), 2 slices of bread, pancakes with ice cream.

Snack: some kind of pastry.

Dinner: Tofu-coconut curry with rice and cheese naan bread.

Snack: yoghurt with banana and muesli.

Friday

By this time next week I am almost discharged. I cannot wait for it. Time goes by so slowly and I am just soo-oooo-oooo bored. I am tired of watching movies, not to mention reading. I am tired of my computer. I think it is good that we are baking today - at least for half an hour there is something to do and time passes faster.

Tomorrow my mum is coming. We are going to science center together, as I have never been there but I have always wanted to go. She suggested it. I also need to have a snack outside with her. We haven't discussed yet what it should be, but there is still time. And whenever I cannot think of anything, I can just go with a smoothie, as this is safe, yet challenging, choice. Anyway, I hope it will make my day better.

I have been trying to write letters to my illness, as one of the nurses suggested. But it is difficult to do. Every time I am upset, I can only write it a love letter. Every time I am calm, I don't want to think about this illness, and writing hate mail is so much more challenging. Besides, my letters that I have tried writing, are somehow so... poetic and strange. I don't know. :D I might have discovered a new talent here.

Baking was more challenging than I thought. The cookies look amazing and smell fantastic. I can imagine them tasting great. I have never made these kind of big cookies and I have never had them in cafes, as I was too scared. So I am a bit excited. But. There is too much. Everyone need to have two cookies, but one already weighs more than 50 grams. So I guess I will become a little (or a lot) upset. I keep thinking about Monday and I want the weigh in be over already. This is always so nerve-wrecking. From Monday to Thursday it is easier, the longer time between Thursday to Monday however is killing me.

As I thought, the cookies tasted so good. At the same time one was enough, it was difficult to have two, as they were just super sweet. Especially considering I had two desserts with my lunch for some reason. I wish it was tomorrow.

Saturday


We changed the plans for todat, as an hour would have been too little time at the science center. We will go to the store first, then go to caffee and have a snack (before snack time too, which is extra difficult) and then to the science center, to spend some more time there. Idea is good, but I don't know how we will actually manage. Soon it is lunchtime. Breakfast was more difficult than usually, since I had extra curd cream dessert. There was a period where I didn't have extra stuff and it was so nice. I am still thinking that I get to go home soon, but it doesn't really help the current situation. There is still soooo much time left.

Other than that I am thinking about Monday a lot. Weigh in, blood tests and so on. I want to go and step on a scale without being afraid. Two more weigh ins to go at the hospital... then I get to do the same at home. I think this feels safer as only I can check my weight. It just... makes me feel better somehow.

By Monday, I have been at the hospital for seven weeks. And then a little more. Alltogether I will have spent two months here. This is quite some time. I have started to hope that maybe I don't have to come back in January, but we shall see. I am afriad they will still make me do it. It is tough to get used to this idea... I guess this also affects me that the doctor said that if I happen to do really well, then maybe I don't have to... but I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up. What has to be done, has to be done. Main thing is that after January I need to be good, because there is the trip coming in February and I am going to enjoy the heck out of it!

We decided to skip the science center with my mum and instead sat at the coffee shop for a longer time. I picked ice cream selection as my snack: klementine, gingerbread and christmas tree flavour. And... it literally tasted as it said! Super amazing. After that we just had a little walk and saw the pretty town center. And then back to the hospital. This time next week I will be home already. Cannot wait.



My amazing ice cream selection.

Sunday


I started to watch A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding last evening, but didn't get too far. Just finished it now and I liked it more than the first movie. So I recommend. It was a nice Christmas movie.



Today I will go and visit my relatives, so I hope I won't have time to think about tomorrow morning's weigh in. At least I only have to be here for 5 more days. Time passes so slowly. At least yesterday was nice and fun.

In fact, I did feel fairly normal. Half of the time I didn't even think about tomorrow, but now the anxiety is back. As always, I will write down my emotions and post this. I just hope that I can accept it. I mean, I am afraid of my own reaction to the weight gain. So I kind of want tomorrow to be overt already, but kind of don't want tomorrow to come. Õõõh, disgusting.

At least the new week begins, which means that going home is getting closer. During the week time goes by faster too, so there is hope. I don't really have anything else to say about the weekend. It has been calm and very-very boring.

I hope I get to talk to my doctor tomorrow, as I do every Monday. I don't think I have anything to ask, but I would just like her opinion on how I have been doing and when can I leave on Friday. I am going to use my permission to go out three times per week as well, because I am just so done with just sitting here.

Monday

42,5 kgs, meaning +300 grams. This is something I can actually accept. One more weigh in this week and then I get to go home. I feel like I am so desperate that instead of days until going home, I am soon going to count hours until going home.