We made earrings and key chains in art therapy.

Monday

And the final week begins. I get to leave on Friday after the snack at 3 pm... can't wait. And currently it is 1 pm on Monday.

My roommate here went to Tallinn Black Food Festival and brought me my favourite vegan restaurant's brownie. It was really good, even though I was scared of eating it. After this I wondered why I was so anxious and worried over it. I dunno.

I got to talk to the doctor already, but I forgot to ask half of the things which I wanted to know. I hope that I get to talk to her again before going home. For example I wanted to discuss the possibility of not coming back for January, if I am doing really well at home. We talked about my blood tests (which shows that things are good) and about my challenges.

I want to go outside but I'm not going to today. I was out on Saturday and Sunday, so I am keeping these outings for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I mentioned it to my doctor and she was okay with it.

Sent my books home with my mum on Saturday and the only one that I kept is almost over. Thought about reading a little. There is nothing better to do. I wish we went for a walk today. I can hope. And maybe I could actually walk, as I have gained weight. Besides I have to do it starting from Saturday, there is no reason to keep me in a wheelchair. (I was still in the wheelchair, what a bummer.)

And I did vry. A lot. Mostly because I find being here so awful. They also made me have so many extra things today, and I felt really bad about it. I am feeling really shitty about my body, my mind is struggling and then that. Wasn't really a good combination.

Tuesday


When I thought that the last week at the hospital was going to be easier, I was completely wrong. I feel like everyone are against me and following the rule "let's all just bully Signe as much as possile". I know this is not logical, but I have been complaining to others and even they agree.

Today I get to go outside, at least that is something. I am going to the shopping center, I thought I'd look up if there is a good notebook for bullet journaling. And then to Tiger to get some gel pens and maybe I can start making next year's journal. I like my current one, but I also have a lot of ideas about what to do. And it is boring here. Maybe I can set up my bullet journal, as I know now, which pages I use etc. I could also take some pictures for the blog, as I wouldn't have to worry about blurring personal stuff. :D

I have been thinking about Thursday's weigh in already as well. Because that is my starting point when I am going home. I have gotten a lot of help with making sample menus and I think I feel motivated. I hope the motivation lasts. Actually I am feeling like at one point I am really determined and then at the next moment I could cry like a baby. I need some stability - maybe I get it once I am home?

Wednesday


For the morning snack we had to have something from hospital's selection, and they picked pastries for us. This meant that 2 days in a row I had to have a dry and not so good cinnamon roll. Not the most positive start to my day.

I am trying to write down my emotions for my psychologist. For that, I need to mark down date, emotion, how strong the emotions is on a scale from 1 to 10, what did I think and what did I do to solve the situation. In theory it is easier than in practice, as I don't really have a connection with my emotions and I haven't really been telling about my feelings. So I guess this is an exercise to understand yourself better and I should keep at it when I go home. For example, what did I do to solve the situation - it is giving me mechanisms that help me in difficult situations. Sounds logical and... easier than I thought. I don't have to learn something new - maybe there is how to solve it already in my head.

Negative emotions are usually directed outside. For one mechanism, my psychologist made an example of high speed train - let's say that I am suddenly really angry or feel like there is so much injustice towards me. What to do in this moment is to accept that I have this feeling... and then let it go like a train. The feeling is very intense, but I don't have to grab it, I can just observe it. I think that for the snacktime I actually used it: I felt that people had treated me unfairly, but I tried to think that well, these are the rules here and I can't help it.

I am sad I sent all my books home with my mum. I just finished "Lemon Meringue Pie Murder" and now I don't have anything to read. I know there are only few days left here, but I was already used to reasing an hour every night.



Hannah Swensen thought she'd finally discovered the recipe for a perfect life. But her sometime beau Norman Rhodes tosses a surprise ingredient into the mix when he phones to tell her he's just bought a house from local drugstore clerk Rhonda Scharf - which he plans to tear down in order to build the dream home he and Hannah designed. It seems the plan has been cooking for quite some time, and Hannah is shocked - especially since her ring finger is still very much bare. The good news is that the soon-to-be-torn-down house is full of antiques - and Norman has given Hannah and her mother first dibs. They uncover some gorgeous old furniture, a patchwork quilt ... and Rhonda Scharf's dead body. A little more sleuthing turns up the half-eaten remains of a very special dinner for two - and one of The Cookie Jar's famous lemon meringue pies. Now it's up to Hannah to turn up the heat - and get busy tracking down the clues. Starting in her very own kitchen.

This wasn't really the book I loved. I mean, it was nice and all, but I hated the author's style. Maybe it would have been better in English, but in Estonian it sucked. The author repeated tings so many times and the only things that happened were that the main character called someone and baked cookies. It was just... boring. :D At the same time I have some sick curiosity to read other books from the series - maybe they are better? And actually I even found a recipe that I could like to try. Alltogether I would rate it as 5/10. And 5 is really low on my standards. (I don't know why but I can never rate things on 1 to 5 scale, it always has to be 1 to 10 and then I never give under 5 :D. Well, what can I do, this is how I am.)

My thoughts are turning towards tomorrow's weigh in, even though it is still lunchtime. I wish it was over already. Tomorrow I will go to my relative's at least, so I can get out for a bit. The nurses told me to take whatever I can from here, but I am not going to be here a second more than absolutely neccessary.

Today I decided not to go out and just stay here, which is not the easiest, as I have nothing to do. I actually did get a new notebook so I can set up my bullet journal, but I am not too happy with it. We'll see, I guess I will continue, as I don't have any other ideas.

I would like to know if someone has died of boredom? Because I might just be the first person who this happens to. I am in complete agony.

Thursday

Weigh in... was worse than I was afraid of. 43,3 kgs, meaning I have gained 800 grams. And this within 2 days. It is difficult to accept. I am sure that calmer weight gain at home is more normal and I can handle it better.