Monday

The only thing that I want is to be home. I know I could handle weight gain better there, I would be in my own environment and I could pick my meals, think of my own snacks and eat at more normal times. I could move around, meet people, communitcate with others, go somewhere if I need to or want to. I could work and live like a normal human.




I am embarrassed to say that I got into word fight with my doctor, I even rised my voice and I feel like I really made myself look bad. But this makes me so angry. No one understands how difficult it really is for me. Everyon keep saying that "yes, it is difficult, this moment is the worse", but no one really understands how I feel, what is happening in my head and in my thoughts.

I am really thinking about discharging myself. I don't care that the doctors think it is a bad idea and that I am not readt. I know myseld that I could do it and the worst is that they don't even let me try and show them. I didn't know earlier how the proper treatment for eating disorders should be. I didn't know how and how much one should eat. I didn't know how hard I must work. Now the situation has changed and I understand everything a lot better. I don't understand why they don't get it.

About the additional things to eat... every time I think I have got it, something changes. Today for example I had to have and extra kiwi flavourted jelly. It is made of sugar. I don't understand why this was necessary? I could have had at least something that was healthy. This tasted so fake. Also when I ask about this from the doctor, I am not getting an answer. She just says that sometimes there is more food and sometimes there is less and that I shouldn't worry about it. But it bothers me and it annoys me.

Tuesday

The day seemed to start off calmly, but already I have had a proper breakdown with a lot of crying. At the same time it hasn't been as bad as yesterday, probably thanks to the sedatives, which dosage they also rised. I think it may help a little bit.

Yesterday my friend from Tallinn visited me. We met up and walked aroun in the department store. It was so freeing and exactly something that I needed. I was really upset after this and yelled and cried to my sister for an hour, but at least for these couple of hours, when I could go outside, I felt better. We just talked, read stupid jokes from a book at the bookstore, I laughed and just was. This is what life is supposed to be like. This is what it could be, if anyone believed in me and let me prove that I can do it. I don't know how long I will last here, how long I can handle it. I feel that my mum at least understands a bit and she is ready to pick me up if I decide to discharge myself. At least my family is supportive.

Today I was supposed to meet with my psychologist, but she didn't come when we had an appointment. Today... when I really needed to talk. I feel disappointed and the mood is getting worse and worse.

What else has happened today... during the snack I was forced to have extra cookies. I even took more chocolate which was already above the recommended calories, but noooooo, it wasn't enough. It made me lose my temper. I talked to one of the nurses about it, and felt a bit better, but there is still so much guilt left. Today I also have all main meals, while others get to have soup for dinner. This makes today extra awful.

Tomorrow is already Wednesday. Time passes so very fast. I am also thinking a lot about work. Having been in a bad position financially during my whole life, it is normal to worry about it. I understand that health is more important than work, but it is still something I need to consider. No one understands this either and this makes it even more difficult to hang in here. Oeh. Just. I it is hart.

Wednesday

Yesterday I had soup for dinner! Do you have any idea how good it felt! Even the additional yoghurt I had without any problems, because I was just happy.

Additionally I could talk to my psychologist after all. She had some other urgent things during the day. I am glad I still saw her.

I told her about how difficult it is for me. Honestly. How I am comparing myself to others and so on. After this, my mum also called and said again that I have their support, if I want to discharge myself. For the moment we made a deal that I will be here until the end of the week and then we will see again. My psychologist also said she will talk to my doctor and assured me that their goal is not to torture me and they see and understand how hard it is. I am still a bit embarrassed for my behaviour with the doctor, but we will see. I hope I get to talk to her again this week.

The main thing I tried to make them understand, is that I tried explaining I could do everything better at home. I would be okay with the weight gain. I would have my own clothes, which I could pick, depending on how I am feeling. I wouldn't walk around, I would be at home and rest as I am doing here. I wouldn't compare myself to the others and I wouldn't worry about the weigh ins, because I could do it whenever I wanted. I would see my doctor every week and he could check my weight. I know how much and how I need to eat. I am not afraid of things like pasta or oil or rice and sauces anymore. I could eat whenever I wanted and if I felt like chocolate in the evening, then I could take it. Maybe I could and would manage to eat more fresh stuff. I could meet with people and eat out with them to let go of the control. I could buy new clothes that fit my changed body. I could finally rest and I wouldn't have to be scared and afraid all the time. I could see my sister all the time and parents every weekend. They could weigh me on the weekends, if it would make them feel better. I could finally live, because right now I am just existing, barely and barely, as there is so much anger in me against myself, against being here and against this whole situation. I could rest and think about what's next for me, and do it. I want to live, but I don't want to live here. Why does no one understand this. I have even kept a diary and marked down all the meals to know how much and what to eat. Why do I need to be tortured like this? I just cannot handle it anymore.

Today itself started quietly and calmly, I am feeling rather neutral, but it could change any moment. Today they had EKGs again, but other than that, nothing exciting has happened.

Today I get to go out with my relative again, which is nice. And on Saturday my parents and sister is coming here, we are going to celebrate my dad's birthday with lunch. And maybe we will also have a snack outside. We still need to figure out where we are going, though.

I just got back from going out and it was like during old times when me and my relative lived almost next to each other. It was amazing! It wasn't raining any more so we were lucky. I hope we see again soon, because every time I feel so good after it.

Now I am thinking about tomorrow... weigh in again. My doctor said that one to one and a half kilos per week would be normal. I cannot even think how it will go. I am scared, but I don't know why. I just wish I was in my normal weight category overnight, I don't want the process. :(

Thursday

My weight had dropped 200 grams, so now I am 41,7 kgs. I don't know how I am feeling about it. My illness is really happy and claping, but I think I myself am a bit disappointed maybe. I think it could have gone up, just not as much as last time... I am already feeling like I did last week - I bet by Monday I have gained double the amount again. It seems that however it goes, it is just not well enough. I cannot win.