Tuesday

I don't know why, but since the doctor said I get to go home for a month, I have been feeling really anxious. Of course I want to go home, yet it is scary. Not that I couldn't handle it - I believe that I can - but because I don't want to come back later. I will also be going to work in December and I am scared it will be really weird. I have been away exactly 2 months by then.

In February, there is a trip coming. Suddenly all these things are right around the corner. Because it is already second half of November today. Quite a few people have told me that going home is not a good idea. Yet I believe I will handle it. I would have gone home for Christmas and New Year's anyway, so being home 2 weeks more is not a huge thing.

I can make different foods! I am so excited already. And the possibility to go and have dinner out with someone. Of course I get to see my family and relatives. Besides that, several friends from abroad are coming to visit home in Estonia, so there are things to look forward to.

We also talked to my doctor about the weight gain at home. And about how often I should weigh myself. She said that twice a week would be good - still on Mondays and Thursdays, which I finally agreed to. I hope I can do this. Also I think I need to come here for a check up once during December. At home I should gain about 0,5 kgs per week, because I will probably walk more and be more active and expecting the gain to be same as here (1,5 to 2 kgs per week) is too much. Of course the more the better, but half a kilo is minimum. I feel a bit better after hearing this,

Today I am going to get some papers and I can start planning menu at home. Usually they have people do it before you go home. I also am getting help regarding my food outside from the hospital, so this is good. I want to be able to do it and not only eat sugar, I want to be healthy and eat balanced. I think that at home I will probably eat more savoury stuff and not depend on sugary yoghurts or curd cream as much. Of course I am not cutting it out completely. I will definitely keep on snacking, I mean I get to eat all the chocolate I want. :D I feel almost relieved. Just the thought that I can allow myself have anything is giving me strength. I hope this positive motivation doesn't leave me and that I can handle difficult situations at home too. It is true that I won't have nurses who I can talk to any second, when things are getting difficult. I still believe that familiar surroundings, friends and relatives - all this will help me. And also I feel safe, as I am coming back to hospital. Also my parents are aware and accepting of the treatment plan, so I think things can't go too badly.

Until a point, my day was pretty good. Even talking to my psychologist, things were going well and I was positive and I could tell about the stuff that is bothering me or making me scared. We are slowly moving towards dealing with my depression and thoughts.

Then something happened and I flipped. We had to again have the snack from hospital's selection and I was late and had to have a pastry. Some random sugar pastry, which was dry and didn't really taste of anything. Again - why would they give us choices if we cannot actually pick? Why are they treating some patients one way and others other way? I am having six slices of bread and toast a day, I am honestly so done with baked things. But no one understands. So today has been more difficult regarding snacks and I didn't think it was possible. I just want today to be over. At least tomorrow I have something to look forward to.

Wednesday


Today I again felt that nurses were unfair towards me and I felt insulted. We have certain amount of calories that the snack has to cover, and they have also some examples. I understand that I shouldn't count calories but they are so deep in my head already that I can't help it.

And then they add on things. In front of everyone with huge drama. And when I get upset and dare to ask something, I am asked if I want calming mixture. So this is how the things are here. No wonder I cannot handle it here any longer. I regret not saying that I want to leave this week already, the doctor at first suggested this. I really really regret it. But well, I cried a lot and now am feeling a bit better I think.

At least I am going to visit my relative today so the evening will be fun I hope. I want to go to the store before coming back as well and it should be doable. And on Saturday mum is coming again. Then I have one more outing left - probably on Sunday. I am doubting between Friday and Sunday, but probably the latter, as the time passes slowest then.

I want to write something else but today has not been good. Tomorrow is weigh in also. Up until now I have been wanting the weigh ins to come faster and be over already, but at the moment I just don't want to know how much I have gained. Because I have. I can feel it and I can see my body has changed. For example my upper arms and thighs are fatter now. I feel disgusted looking into the mirror. My stomach is constantly bloated, my face is also... fuller. Also my upper arms are visibly so much bigger. Ideally I would be on this weight for a little longer - to get used to new me. Psychologist also said that this would be necessary. I think that maybe taking pictures would help - if I could see from the photos that I am not as big as I think. To get used to seeing my new body. It is difficult to accept myself.

My psychologist has asked me many times that what is the worse that could happen when I gain weight. And well... nothing. Maybe some clothes will be too smale, but at the same time - so what? It is good, I get to shop and buy new things. And things that are too big now fit me better again. But for me this is like the end of the world. I want to get rid of these thoughts, but it seems impossible now. My weight is still less than when I was discharged from the hospital in Tallinn. And it was okay then. I don't understand why it isn't okay now. We shall see how tomorrow is...

Thursday


I gained 100 grams, so I am not 42,2 kgs. I have gained exactly 6 kilos.

I already am anxious about Monday, knowing that "by then I probably have gained too much".

Today I am supposed to meet with my psychologist again. I had to try and write down my thoughts and emotions that come with them. Today we are supposed to go through them and do something. I have no idea how it will be like.

Tomorrow is the baking day. We just picked out a recipe: American chocolate chip cookies. I have been waiting for it. At one point I really wanted to make oatmeal cookies, but they were "too safe" and they did not allow it. Also I have been playing Cookie Clicker, so... :D

I want to go home. I wish it was next week's Thursday. Also I am supposed to get a gift from Bonduelle (a company that sells canned goods like beans, corn etc), so I will be able to try some new recipes soon. And I can use this porridge company's goods again soon! I have been trying to fill menu papers here, in order to make something my eating can be based on when I am home. Then we will discuss it with the nurses and they tell me if it is suitable or not. But like when I said that for example my dessert would be cottage cheese with jam, they said that "this is not a dessert"... I am a bit confused and it is a bit difficult.

Sometimes there are stupid thoughts in my head. For example when they made me have something extra during snack time, I automatically think that I will compensate for it when I get home. I need to change these thoughts, because I still need to gain weight at home. If I don't do this, I can't go home by February and in February there is Japan trip coming. Also I want to be well and work out again. I got some new clothes from my relative yesterday, including some gymwear. I am excited to use them. :D I could go to Body Combat again and run again... oh the dreams.