Monday

Even though I had only gained 200 grams, Monday was still hard. In my menu, there were many additional things, which weren't the case before. Now after every meal I feel too full and have the thought that it was too much.

Time has started to pass slower. Saturday went by fast, but now for the two days, time has been super slow. I am tired of watching stuff, either series or movies. If there was anything to watch, I would prefer a movie, but I want something, well, lighthearted and not serious,

Weather also sucks, maybe this affects my mood so negatively as well. I wish there was some sun. Or if it was to rain, why can't it at least snow? They promised snow starting tomorrow though, so let's hope it happens. I want to fill my soul with pureness and light.

I am bored of reading as well. I do it every evening, but I just started a new book. It takes a while to get into it. But I have already read 125 pages so I don't want to give uo any more and pick something else.

I am tired of playing Sims, sick of watching YouTube; I have done it so much and these things have gotten really boring. It is nice to write my thoughts out here, but there have been so many posts recently. I wonder if anyone is reading them all. At least I decided not to write down my menu any more - enough of my negative thoughts. I still have them, but I don't want to bother you with those. At least I think it may be a good idea. Even though I shouldn't bottle up negative emotions... we will see.

I thought today was going to be easier. Weekend was calm emotionally and even today was kind of okay until the dinner. I was feeling... neutral, maybe a bit numb. And then it happened. I talked to my doctor and I felt as if I have been here for so long and I should make progress already. I should feel better and more motivated. Gaining weight shouldn't affect me that much anymore. But there is none of that. There is no feeling better or easier. And finally I understood that I don't want to get better. I don't want to be here; the reason I have stayed here for so long is because my family and friends are expecting it. They say this is the right place. But I don't feel like it. I don't want to get well. Honestly I am still thinking back to the time before I came to the hospital, and I want to go back there.

People often say that some part of me wants to - I have lasted for so long. That I am strong and I am not giving up. But no. Even thinking logically and completely making difference between me and my illness, I still feel that I don't want to get better. This is sad and sick and I don't know if thinking like this allows me to get well or better.

Tuesday

Picking snacks is still very difficult for me. Usually I start to worry about them in the morning already. Especially about the first snack, as this needs to be sweet. I have a lot of sweet stuff, but usually they don't like what I have and make me add things, even though I have passed what is needed calorifically. And this makes me feel really upset and it is very hard. This is also why I constantly want to have the same things, yet I wanna try new stuff. It is really annoying.

Second snack is so called hospital's snack, where we can pick between yoghurt, curd cream, pastries, sandwiches, pudding etc. This was the easiest at first, but after having the same things over and over again, it became difficult. Also sometimes I want something, yet my eating disorder tells me to have something else. I have tried picking things I really want to have, but it is not easy. Well, at the moment it is okay and I am doing well, but later I have this really intense guilt and I cannot get rid of these thoughts the whole day.

Evening snack is the easiest I think. It needs to be a dairy product. I have bought different yoghurts, cottage cheese, curd cream etc, so this is fine. Sometimes I don't know what to have, but then I pick depending on the best before date. Also, really often in the evenings I would like some ice cream, but I have ran out. Need to get some the next time I am at the store.

On Friday, my parents are coming to have the big family talk with the doctor. I wish I could later spend time together only with my mum - it would be easier and she makes me feel better than my dad. We shall see how this goes; I will probably write about it - if not here, then in the next week's post.

Today I saw my psycholgist and tol her all about this "I don't want to get better"-mindset that has become quite annoying. She said that I don't have to want to get better. That I don't have energy for it, they want that instead of me for now. My task is just to hang on. Maybe while talking to her I was feeling better, but now, as this is over, I am back at the beginning. I want to go back where I was and not get well. It is sick to write something like this, but I just want to be honest.

Wedensday

Today they did EKGs on us again and in addition we had to pick the recipe for the baking day. The nurse who usually goes food shopping, wanted to do it today. I was on EKG as the others picked, which was fine, as this is a cause of lot of stress. We are making cookie cake (basically cookies, cream, cocoa). It doesn't have added sugar or butter, so it feels safer than some of the others we have made here. Still, eating it will be a challenge. And making it, too. We shall see how Friday goes. At the same time my parents are coming on Friday and I might go out with them....? Though I sort of want to have this cake with the others. We should discuss it a little.

I feel a bit calmer than duing the previous days. At the same time I am feeling worried about weigh in tomorrow. Every week it has gone up by a lot by Thursday, so I am scared. There is no strength nor motivation in me that would think it is okay. Ideally, there wouldn't be any weight gain by tomorrow, or it would be really little, as to show me that I won't blow up like a balloon - I still feel like I will.

Time passes so fast. It is already Wednesday and I am here for the fifth week. Unbelevable. I want to go back to my everyday life, though I am scared. I feel like I am so behind in everything, even though it is not logical. This is not school. I guess that if I get to talk to the doctor and my family on Friday, I can ask about going home. They should have some sort of criteria for me...

I finally got results for my bone density test. At the moment it is not ideal, the doctor called it osteopenia. It means that I don't have osteoporosis yet, and it should be reversable. So I hope I will be fine.

Today my relative came to visit me, which I was really happy about. For a moment I forgot my worries about tomorrow, but they have now come back with full force. Today, for example, there were so many extra things for me in the menu. It was difficult to accept. Especially before the weigh in... One of the nurses said today that she forgot what I told about my sleep quality, because she saw me smiling for several times. I guess this is good? I just hope that tomorrow won't bring so many negative emotions. I wish I was where I accepted my weight gain already. For example today we went for a walk and I had to be in the wheelchair again. This should motivate me. But there is none of it. I can't find any. This sucks.

But anyway. Tomorrow morning I will write down my emotions and then we will go from there...

Thursday


I have gained 600 grams, meaning I am not 41 kgs. I guess I don't need to say how today's morning affected me.

I just want to go back.