It is so difficult to be at home.

I feel so guilty.

I make myself do things that I shouldn't.

Sometimes I feel like I am living from meal time to meal time.

It is so difficult to deal with things during this quarantine. You are sitting in front of your computer, doing work or just chilling, and seeing the fridge. I have been eating proper three meals and snacks, but it is still so-so difficult. I feel like I don't have any flexibility, which is what is my goal. But I can't shake these regular things. Sometimes I do think that maybe I should go back to the hospital and stay there until they let me know I can go home. Maybe it would be like waking up in the morning on the right weight. But I don't want to go back to the hospital, I really don't.

Quarantine is making me go mad. Also I cannot stop baking bread. I think it is good though, I don't eat some light soups for lunch.

My weight has gone down a little. It is tough to admit it, but it has. I am dealing with this as well as I can and make myself eat more, but my anorexia is really happy. It is smiling and thriving. Already the mornings when my weight has gone down even by hundred grams, I feel so good. This sucks. Instead of being upset over it and taking it seriously, I feel like anorexia has grabbed my throat and telling me I am doing good. It feels exactly like so.

Don't worry though. The weight won't stay like this. I know this can't go on. I know I need to try more, eat more, be more flexible and not feel as guilty. I know it and I am taking steps towards it! I have a lot of confidence. At least at the moment. And if this moment passes, I can come back here and read this post. I promise. Also, my weight hasn't dropped too much, just a few hundreds of grams. But still. It should be the other way.

On Saturday, me and my sister had another wine evening with watching a movie. This time it was better guilt wise - I didn't have as much of guilt as I expected on the next day. Could it be... that I have done this three times, it is getting easier? If it is - I am fine with that! Next weekend we are going to do it again.

Also made this bread again as I mentioned. This time it came out even better than usuallt. Also I made some homemade hummus - so cool! It is always so expensive to buy it from the store, I am kind of excited about making it at home now.



Getting stuff from the stores for a week is getting better. There are a few things during a week I would like to have, but I have managed without and really go to the store once per week only. But I do go for a little walk every single day.

With walking is that I really love it. I usually play a podcast (my favourites are Our Plague Year and The Healthcode, also one Estonian podcast) and just walk. I still know that some of this walking is from my anorexia though. I wish I could get rid of this need to constantly do something. I have started walking less, but still I feel like I should do more.

Haven't worked out at home, except for doing a plank challenge someone said I should do on Instagram. But that is it.

I really need to gain just a couple of kilost though to get back into running. Weather is so nice as well, I could run so much. I am jealous of runners when I go out.

This is such a random post, but I had a few of these things in my head that I sort of wanted to get out. And I also think I will make a food menu post, to hold me accountable. I have postponed it, but I want to gain some control over myself, especially during those crazy times.



My favourite snack lately. It has become easier having it, at first I felt really guilty, especially due to adding milk.

Also my next challenge is going to be eating only one certain colour food. I have so many ideas already!