I thought I'd bring out some goals that I have... to motivate myself to recover. There is another Estonian blogger who posted about the same stuff, so I am kind of stealing her idea here, but oh well.

1. I want to work out. I still love and miss running as well as bouldering. It would be perfect to finally have enough strength to do those things. At the moment I don't work out at all, I just go for a walk or something. And I miss having a goal. As soon as I allow myself running again, I will document it here as well. I want to know how I progress, how I grow stronger. I am really happy thinking about working out again!
2. I want to travel. The trip to Japan was so amazing and I need to have similat experiences again. I want to enjoy travelling and not calculate in my head that how much do I need to work out now to balance the eating out. In Japan I managed pretty well, but there were some tough moments as well. But it was a good start.
3. I want to be healthy. Here I mean that I want my bones to be well and strong. I want to have normal body functions. I don't want to feel cold all the time and worry all the time.
4. I want to enjoy spending time with my friends. I don't want to cancel meetings with friends due to food anxiety. I know that in the future I will remember the moments that enjoyed, I will remember spending times with people. I won't remember that I gave up cake. So why am I doing this to myself?
5. I want to be better at my job. I feel that my thinking is not as sharp as it could be. I want to get things easier. I want to think faster and manage my tasks better. I want to remember things more easily.
6. I want to try different foods. I don't want to always say no when someone offets me a candy. I want to pick a dessert when eating out, in addition to main meal. I want to try out different snacks and enjoy them!
7. I want to play with kids. I don't want to be the weak aunt who can't hold a baby and rock them. I want to have enough strength to run with kids. So many of my friends have kids now and I just want to enjoy my time with them.
8. I want to make people proud. For example my family. I want them to have a reason to be proud of me. Even if it is just due to the fact I beat this illness. Also I want the readers of this blog to be proud. I want to show that healing is possible. I want to be proud of mysekf! 
9. I want to be spontaneous. I want back the moments where I thought that having McFlurry at 2 am was a good idea. I want back the moments where I could randomly decided that I want to have pizza. I want to pick a coffee with syrup instead of just latte (which is already difficult as well).
10. I want to bake more. This is a random thing, but it is true. I have so many nice recipes from people and recipe sites, that I have not yet tried as I am scared. I want to bake focaccia, duch oven bread, all kinds of things! I want to make pastries and banana bread and muffins. And I also want to eat other people's snacks. There have been occasions when I have visited someone and I just am unable to have a piece of cake or something. I want the real me to come out again and enjoy life. 
11. I want to have feelings again. It doesn't matter that it won't be only good emotions. I know that if I eat more, I get feelings slowly coming back. I want to be excited and happy, I want to laugh properly. It doesn't matter that it will also bring anxiety, sadness, despair... it would be worth it.

I think there are a lot more things I could write down, but these are the main things for now. I hope to fulfil them.



Went to a bog during the weekend! Very spontanteous. It was nice. Didn't see many people either, just a few. Somehow life needs to continue despite the pandemic...